The Politics of a Break Up on Social Media

Hey guess what I don't feel like doing near 10pm at night?  If you were thinking along the lines of cleaning the cat litter box and perhaps taking a late shower, you win nothing but you are correct.

I am currently listening to Walk the Moon, "Shiver".  But it's making me work for a good flow of the video.  I had to caress F5 in order to bust the stutter. 

So I previously spoke of the blahness of break ups.  It's pretty sucky to be the executioner.  You know you don't want to be in it anymore and that it was really stressing you out to be in something that made you feel like running outside for air. Only you were outside and there were no more portals to escape to.

I think this one was handled gently.  Sweetly, for an ice pick if you will.  I will say that the two parties involved are both over 40 years old.  So today, regardless of the subdued and normal text message from the ex reminding me that one of my shows was on last night (I saw it this morning so I'm going to sweet talk On Demand and hope that it is there) and a benign Grumpy Cat posting on my Facebook Wall, there was a group session on his.  Mind you we have some mutual friends.  His mother is also my "friend", as my oldest daughter and my mother is his. 

IMHO, how not to handle break ups ever on social media.  Bringing them up in any sort of detail.  I chose to hide my relationship status for now hoping to avoid drama or a sudden small number of emails from men who suddenly realize that I'm single.  Because it happens.  Guys you never hear from Suddenly think to ask you how you are doing once they smell the L'homme cologne has worn off.  So for a number of reasons, I prefer to go the candle fade out route instead of the instant snuff when it comes to the public.  

I give everyone their need to express grief and receive comfort.  But as half of this former relationship, have I grown a sac, cut it off and handed it over?  Don't I have some right to privacy here?

My ex decided to grief quite publicly, in a thank you post to All who had called him to check on him.  After he posted three 80's metal break up songs - Love Stinks (Adam Sandler), Bringing on the Heartbreak and Cinderella - Don't Know What You Got Til It's Gone.  I mean really. Was this necessary?  Why not just send a skinned piglet with a lit M-80 in it's mouth to my job?

So after all the sympathy and helpful friend things that people say, all that I could think was....I'M STILL HERE.  It's like I'm IN THE ROOM.  He didn't unfriend me and well, I can SEE that shit.  So I mentioned this to him - that maybe he should consider just unfriending me if he would like to feel free to post these things.   He said no.  He said he would just stop.  And.  Sorry.  

Well after someone burns your house down and turns to you and says "Sorry." it doesn't un-ash the place. What's done is done.

I also know that if I have something really personal to say to my mom, I would private message her. Except that she doesn't know how to get to it on Facebook still.  She still posts things that people would prefer that she didn't directly on YOUR wall.  Or someone else's wall while trying to get to you.  It's cute because she's my mom.  But no one wants that. My brother has messaged me asking questions about her strange postings...."Is mom okay?  Maybe she hit the wine early?"  So then I am forced to email my mother or call her.

The ex directly posted onto his mother's wall that she may not see him smiling for a bit but it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  Ugh.  He is being a bad version (and not the Christmas specials version that I was addicted to for a moment last year) of Hallmark for today and I know I sound like the Grinch -  if he had to break it off with someone - but I'm not even famous and I can't deal with that sort of attention.  

It makes me just want to clean a litterbox.  So I am going to act on that impulse.

Lord of the Ringless

A quiet evening, listening to The Big Broadcast.  With the TV on, set to Lord of the Rings.  The fight scene is so loud in this movie that I'm sure I'll have to unplug the set in order not to hear it at all.

So not that I really mentioned in in the last two months but I had been dating Someone.  He was pretty nice to me...bent over backwards many times to try and make me happy with him.  It was reminiscent of Eddie Murphy's "Coming to America".  The scene where his parental chosen bride to be tells him that she likes whatever he likes.  Whatever makes him happy makes her happy.  Until at last he strolls out of the room post command issuing her to hop on one foot and bark like a dog.  The image haunts me.  I think I've seen it in dude form.  

While I completely appreciate the sentiment in this, I also recall a guy that I was with who was quite agreeable, but always had his own ideas.  When I'd show up to visit him he would have the plans loosely laid out.  And they were always perfect.  

The two month man of late is someone that I knew about twenty years ago and had issued a respectable No Thank You to back then after one date.  On the first date this time, he counter issued the same request.  Would I, could I act too quick?  Would I, could I get in thick?  Well, I said no again.  Clearly though, he had the instructions to the manual that gives away the shortcuts.  His response got under my skin and although I said that I wasn't ready, I gave in.  

I don't know about any of you guys but there isn't anything hotter than someone agreeing to be with you with the following words - "I'll try."

I woke up the very next morning with a Costco sized vat of dread and anxiety.  What had I done?  I wasn't ready for this.  Or maybe Cinderella just tried to squeeze into a slightly smaller shoe, being told that it is supposed to fit that way.  It took about a week for the dread feeling to go away - that's a shitload of self pep talks and convincing myself that now I was with a good person and that I shouldn't push someone away out of fear.  

But how does a person know when it is fear and when it is intuition based?  I think it is obvious that if I woke up with dread and not a refreshed sense of Spring blooming in my veins, then that was clearly a red flag.  So instead I rebelled against my own self, deciding that I don't know what's best, I will just go with this.

Until I start cringing every time the phone rings.  Until I don't want to hear certain phrases because it requires a response that I do not own.

Let's be real though.  This Someone wasn't perfect.  And I'm aware that Yours Truly is missing that gene as well.   These are a couple of nitpicky things that are easily gotten past really.  I walked into his house once to find a used Crisco slathered TEFLON frying pan just sitting there on the stove.  TEFLON?????  He isn't just a bachelor, he has produced his very own offspring.  He's a dad and he should know better.   When he answered that his daughter drinks 2-4 cans of Arizona iced tea a day, I looked at the ingredients.  High fructose corn syrup.  File under Swiss Chard, because he didn't know what that was either.

These are things he was willing to learn about though, I'm fairly certain.  It doesn't make *my* way better.  Although I do think being health conscientious is a plus.  

There were other things, major red flags, and eventually they got to me.  I started to dread weekends or the other two days of the week that I would have to make plans to spend time together.  Some things were just not on par.  Including conversation.  But if I wanted a nice touch, rubbing my back, playing with my hair or caressing my face, he definitely was awarded a blue ribbon there.

Random:  Having cats means never being able to relax when you have an open drink sitting next to you.  

And so, the time had come to take the yellow brick road backward.  He is still there if I want him to be, which is commendable.  But my earlier statement of not being ready holds.  Again - or he just wasn't the right one.  

So for now, I will leave the social media status as is.  No need to rush out and put it in his face.  

I will now go back to contemplating if I should turn up the television or continue to read lips, while wishing that I had a remote control for my living room door so that I wouldn't have to get up to close it.

I will also try to chip down this newspaper pile by reading.  When not riddled with guilt induced feelings for possibly chipping someone's heart.  

Last Stop: My Mind Without Your Storms

Sitting outside on the stoop on a sunny and cool Saturday morning.  It's more cool of course when the sun powders its nose with a cloud.  The sweater goes on.  Then the sun is back out in full force and the sweater is a burden.  Humanling is playing the DSi, as we keep each other company.  A Thousand Welcomes on the radio stream.  One of those nice things that Flip did introduce me to.  This radio station, WFUV., that was usually on in our kitchen.  He did bring a lot of new and interesting things into my life.  I hope I did the same for him.  Unfortunately when communication is necessary, there is no Toast (see previous post).  And so I turn to my teacher, Thich Nat Hahn today to see if his offerings coincide with my Now.  Of course, his messages are usually needed at all times.  And what I am feeling lately, well by "lately" I guess I mean the last three years is what he summed up.  

I'll copy and paste but I know that when I do that, my loverly lavender color changes to white.  Here is today's find:

There are days when you feel that it’s not your day, everything goes wrong. And the more effort you make, the situation becomes worse. Of course you have gone through days like that in your life. You fail in everything, you suffer, you g

et angry, people blame you, you are not happy, you are frustrated. And you tell yourself that you have to make more effort, but the more effort you make, the worse the situation becomes, and then you know that it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop everything, it’s time to go home to yourself and take refuge in yourself. You have to close your windows, the eyes, the ears; you have to close the five windows. You should not be in touch with the outside any more; you have to close the windows of your hermitage. Because there is a hermitage within yourself – that is the island of self that I want you to discover. If you continue to be on the outside, then you continue to suffer, you know. That is why in moments like that, you have to go home to the island of self, and the first thing you do is exactly what I did with my hermitage, to close the five windows. And you know that eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind, are the six windows you close. Don’t look, don’t listen, don’t touch, and don’t think. Stop everything in order to prevent the strong wind from the outside to continue to blow in and to make you miserable, because the eye is a window, the ear is a window, the mind is a window, and if you keep them open, the wind of suffering, the wind of disturbance will continue to come and make the situation worse and worse. Don’t try any more. Stop trying and shut the windows. You shut also the door, and you have to go to the chimney and make a fire. You want to get a feeling of warmth, cosiness, and comfort by practising mindful breathing, going home to yourself. And rearrange everything, your feelings, your perceptions, your emotions, they are all scattered all over, it’s a mess. You have to recognise each feeling, each emotion, and you have to collect them like I collected all the sheets of paper that were scattered a little bit all over. Practise mindfulness and concentration, and tidy up everything within yourself. You are going home, you have gone home to your island of self, and you are transformed into a place that is cosy and pleasant for you to take refuge in. Everyone has a hermitage within, very safe, very cosy, very comfortable, very calm, and they have to go home to that hermitage.
If you rely on the outside, you get lost.

That is why you have to go home and rely on something that is reliable, that is the island of self.

With Flip, any communication basically was received wrong.  Maybe sometimes it was me saying it wrong.  I'm a better writer than speaker.  However, many times he just is in such a hut of hurt that he's walled himself in without openness to see possibilities of someone trying to reach out while being discontent but with love instead of malice.  I try to hit the restart button daily.  Some days I am better with it than others.  Some days I bite the bait but am content with myself to say that I have not followed my anger to places where I would be encompassed in a lesson of Advanced Regret.  So with all renouncement of I'm So Awesome, Look What I'm Doing, I do have to acknowledge my progress in dealing with reaction when it comes to him.  I'm not done though because I am still holding it inside and boiling.  I'm just not unleashing it on him in the ways that would have me spewing venom and then later on looking back and wishing that I hadn't.  He tests me though.  Severely.  Still with the name calling.  Still emails laced with vulgarity and vitriol.  I can respond in kind or do the hard thing and resist.  While I am aware of this test, I know that I have gone to my island as stated above.  Only I haven't shut off the outside.  I moved out months ago to get away from the barrage of negativity and that was step one.  Booking the island to go to.  Going there.  Now time to shut off the communication and emerge in a better state.  But because I feel bad for him with now, no car at all, I offered to drive him in any dire need - groceries, etc.  I don't think he will take me up on it since I did say that I shouldn't even offer due to his treatment of me.  Guess I could have left that part out.  

Guess really, I should leave out the whole part of communication with the "outside" that has been the noise, the environment, the weather of my life for three years and shutter my windows.     

   

Do These 80s Make My Heart Look Hollow?

Everything about middle school makes me melangiddy.  Yes, that's melancholy and giddy together.  Like salt and sweet on the palate.  Shows that involve the heartbreak of that special age (Wonder Years, Freaks and Geeks), fresh new feelings and discoveries.  Songs from 1981-1983.  Movies from the era.  Anything with that confusing, die hard make or break oomph surging behind it.

I met Flip when we were both 12.  I was actually obsessed with his brother, who I did go out with but only because I had a relentless girlfriend who either wouldn't stop jackhammering him about asking me out or more than likely, she probably threatened to hurt him if he didn't ask me out (Rest in Peace, Tammy!).  We didn't do well as a couple and the boy that I chose was awkward with girls, quieter but incredibly mischievous.  In passing time skipping school and doing whatever it was to just be around him, I met his younger brother, who is Flip.  Long story short, his older brother had to be shoved outside with me in the freezing cold of winter for our first kiss  while our friends peeked out the window.  It was required to get back in the house.  What pressure?  Just a bunch of other 13 year olds checking us out for the big moment, a month and a half into the relationship.  We just didn't act like a couple.   We tormented each other with practical jokes, upping the ante wherever possible.  Eventually he broke it off with me.  And Flip and I started to hang out alone. Then REALLY alone.  In a barn, in elevators, in movie theaters, just to slobber all over each other every single minute that we could.  It was completely opposite of my "relationship" with his brother.  

My junior high memories used to be fun to think about.  As I watched Humanling tonight at the bowling alley, drooling over a classmate, it brought me straight back to the inevitable beauty and heartbreak of crushes and desire and the unknown.  My own junior high memories are now tainted in a sense with this relationship gone really bad with Flip.  We haven't just taken on the last three years.  Now we've altered 1982-1983 severely.  Looking back on those tender memories now just hurts as if it was a part of our current history.  Neither of us listen to Journey.  But if Journey comes on the radio, I think of That time.  Which means I am thinking of him.     When Steve Perry tells me he's coming to me with Open Arms, I believe that he's giving me a singing telegram from Flip.  When Joe Elliott is not F-F-F-Foolin', I know he means we've got some serious stuff going on.  

We would hold hands, walking through cemeteries, pretending to have accents from England, yet say we were from Florida.  He couldn't get enough of kissing me then, as we'd hit the Stop button in the elevator and shut off the lights.  There was a lot of heat for two 13 year olds!  

And now it's just a whole lot of withdrawal.  Unfortunately he seems to want all my compassion without looking outside of himself to see if anyone else was hurt from the shrapnel.  He believes that since I am the one who cut it off, I must be throwing a World Without Flip party every night.  I know that really, I'm better off.  But Pollyanna has a hard time closing the coffin lid.  If we can't get work this out, the early 80's have officially been destroyed for me.  Another submission to the one in charge of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.   

Who Needs a Globe When You Have Paper

Whenever I get to interview someone that's been on NPR I feel pretty darn glowy.  When I get to interview someone that Terry Gross has interviewed, I feel like the Media Gods are handing me a gift.  Today on the radio show that I co-host with my good pal Jennifer, we interviewed Gretchen Reynolds, who not only was interviewed by Terry Gross twice, but is also a blogger for the NY Times.  I'm doubly intrigued!  So at some point I should go ahead and write up that blog for Scorpion Equinox...something that I've discovered I am terrible at keeping up with.  PR is totally not for me unless it was the only thing that I had to do.  Even eating would divert me from the task, so yes, the ONLY thing I could be assigned to. 

Dang.  I just dropped so many links it looks like the ticker tape parade just came through here.

And I just saw something stuck in my hair.  Popcorn.  White cheddar from Trader Joe's.  Holy sober sloberino.  I am out of all beer.  Porkslap, Blue Moons and Other.  A few were wasted when I saw a tiny bit of rust around the neck after the cap came off.  It wasn't until one night I employed the Eff It superpower and drank it anyway that I noted I'm here still.  Live and learn.  So I had this astrology vodka nip in the cabinet.  I drank the Scorpio one months ago.  All that was left was Pisces.  I originally picked it up for a friend who had to cancel.  She knows who she is.  I'm drinking your nip, Girlie!  Maybe I will feel more intuitive with the Pisces one.  I'm already a water sign so I may not notice the difference if there is one.  

So I have been receiving some leveled up angry emails from Flip.  I didn't think he could still be angry.  By now it has to be boring to be in a mono-emotive vibe for so long.  He is still going on with the Earth is Flat theory.  What that means to me, is that he started off with a misunderstanding two or three weeks ago.  I gave an explanation to clear up any misunderstandings that had to do with my feelings, motives or actions.  Hence, the world is not flat, the world is Round.  Now that you know the New information, you can base any thoughts, theories, questions and emotions off of this New information that completely negates the Old information.  Not so.  It makes too much sense.  Flip is disregarding the globes, the satellite photos, the high profile aliens with diagrams and proof shots.  The earth is still flat, it always was and whatever you say won't matter.  We will simply reset the computer date to before this conversation that cleared things up and will keep fighting the old fight built on false narratives. 

To me, the advice that I've heard regarding being the partner of a narcissist is really sort of against all that I believe.  They tell us to Run!!!  Run, they can't really be helped!  Or perhaps it is the rare person who can see outside of themselves and heal.  But think about it...a narcissist can not see anyone's point of view but their own.  They are never to blame.  You caused all of your woes AND theirs.  They seem to take Woes, change up the spelling and utilize it just as strongly...OWES.  You OWE them.  And they'll let you know it in no uncertain terms.  So when I hear the advice to simply Get Out before you're Got, it saddens me.  I want to believe that every situation is fixable.  But when you really think about it, how can it be most of the time?  And now this "monster" that you've invested so much into has to be thought of something poisonous and toxic in order to remove yourself and heal.  

Me personally....I'm going to need some time.  Maybe not years.  But some time.  I need to unravel the puppet strings of guilt, manipulation, shame, doubt so that I can start from the ground and build up again.  I feel hopeful so far and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks.  I have to admit that I'm fueled by every email he sends belittling me, calling me names and trying to insult me.  The untruths boil my blood but see Earth is Flat theory.  There's no helping that. All I can do is control me.  My replies will not stoop to these levels....and for some time have not.  I will admit feeling goaded and giving in at times to freezing the shit before smacking it back so I felt no splatter.  But in the last few weeks, I've done my best to avoid being sucked in.  Now I understand why it is advised with this type of personality to just cut it off completely and not speak with them.  

I've had more pleasant situations lately, one being that I stepped on a thumbtack with my bare foot yesterday.  And seeing that I walk like a descendant of Attila the Hun, my heel slammed down on it so hard that it was flat up against my heel.  I hopped over to hold on to a piece of furniture and then looked.  I wasn't in a hurry...I wasn't sure that I wanted to know what it was because it still had to come out.  It felt like it took extra long to pull it out but after my daughter's offer to do it for me, it was worth the agony.  That's ok hon, I don't need it being dragged out with your inexperienced fingers tugging and pulling it in 19 different directions on the way out.  You can just kiss me when I'm done washing the dirt off my feet from walking around barefoot, and then having a tack shove two layers of it straight into my bloodstream. 

Pisces vodka is done and now to toggle between Jon Stewart and Frasier.  Nighty night all!

I'm not Paranoid, YOU are!

Tonight I was busy writing (for a moment really) for my other blog, Even Though Epilepsy Sucks...so I thought I would do something simple here to at least stick my head out of the Quiet sand.  I have not relapsed at this point.  I maybe would have.  But then I look at all the emails that have been sent to me in the last 6 days.  Most of them unfriendly.  I notice that Flips toggles between narcissist traits and those of Paranoid Personality Disorder.  Unfortunately, any attempt to tell someone that you think they are either of these things is going to get ugly.  They won't believe you anyway.  (The font in red are my thoughts after his quote).  

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder

A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
• Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
• Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
• Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
• Persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
• Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
• Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

What I have next are basically one liners from a compilation of emails that I've received from Flip over the last 6 days.  It doesn't cover everything but it's a pretty good synopsis of what I've been hearing for years now whenever there is a disagreement.  It took me a long time to consider any of this 'abuse'.  

You are a very cruel and vindictive person. I will not forget the pleasure that you are taking in the way you're breaking up with me and kicking me out of your life FOREVER.

You created a fight so that you could break up with me. You did it intentionally. 

The pleasure you take in hurting me is truly sick

You are by far the most vindictive and hurtful girl I've ever known

Fucking phony

YOU started the yelling AND the fighting AND the disrespect. ALL YOU!!!!!

You did this on purpose. 

But YOU are the only one pointing the finger of blame all the time

You are a very sick human being!

YOU want sympathy for feeling lonely in a relationship? That's why I went to McGrath's in the first place

JESUS you are a HUGE hypocrite!

Do you have any idea how much shit you have put me through since you've moved out.

I didnt blame u at all drama queen.

Real compassionate little girl.

I've tried much harder than you.

Do you imagine yourself to be a picnic in a relationship? Do you imagine yourself such the perfect "partner". 

And you yelled out your window as you made me unwelcome at your house - "you don't want to speak to me ever again". – Not what I said.

This is a perfect example of your very delusional victimhood bullshit.

I don't know why you continue to try and portray this martyrdom picture of yourself to me.

But you definitely DID say as you shut the window in my face that you don't ever want to speak to me again. –*Note- this is not what I said.

This bullshit victim story about how your so neglected is all made up in your very insecure and completely self centered mind. 

Stop playing games like a fucking child.

You deserved to be hung up on.

Funny, you called me more in the 5 minutes that you were so desperate to get off on dumping me, than you did the entire month that I got my DWI.....that's the kind of "partner" you are.

I can't believe one word you say about other guys or anything like it.

blah blah blah new guy blah blah blah I don't read the emails thoroughly blah blah blah making shit up to suit my cause.

blah blah blah, I'm an insensitive person, blah blah blah, you're not good enough for me, blah blah blah, I'm the perfect partner

it is really fucked up of you to drag things out for me

You are a very sick little girl.

 It's not enough that you lied to me about your feelings and broke my heart, you have to make up lies about me and tell people you're in danger? - (Note:  This was an assumption he made)

I am on the hurt end of this. This wasn't my choice, it was yours entirely.  – (Note: The hurt started before the break up for me.  That’s the difference.)

Pure paranoid delusional psycho babble.

You want to go and find how every many guys it takes to make you happy and I don't want to be around to see it. 

No wonder you got so insecure about me going to McGrath's....because for you, going out to a bar DOES mean that you're hooking up with someone else. Are you screwing him already or do you think you can finish disentangling your life from the "man you're so in love with" first?  - (More assumptions.  I've been home every night save for one night that I went out for a couple of hours.)

I can't believe how completely full of shit you are and how easily you can lie about love. You are a woman of very low character.

Get your shit and go be with your new boyfriend you heartless lying cheat. – Complete incorrect assumption

What kind of woman tells a man she wants to marry him and then less than two weeks later goes and finds another man behind his back because she's not getting laid enough during the week. You said you liked the sex so much, but all of the sudden you're content to have none? You are a liar. I'm not stupid. I can see the truth here . - Huge Assumption

Because you'll never have me again.

You went out and found someone else because my depression is too annoying to you.

but stop selling this bullshit that you were in love with me. You don't know what it means to truly love another. 

You just want to look like a neglected victim so that your new guy and your friends don't see the very shallow truth.

 I won't call it making love because it was only that for me. You only kept me around for casual sex until you found another guy. Just like I always knew you would. –( It was obviously doomed anyway then.  Should have let me leave sooner.)

 You would NEVER tell the truth. I can see the writing on the wall. It's not hard to figure out. You ALWAYS want sex.

There is no way you would go from marriage to break up over not enough attention and then want to be completely alone and have NO sex. - Assumption

One night at a bar and two days later, relationship over, on to the next one. It's still cheating even though you broke up with me after you met him. I know very well that you will NEVER admit the truth, but it's obvious. – horrible assumption

And what makes you think that I have any desire to touch you in "any way shape or form" after you dumped me for being depressed and immediately ran to another man.

 And I will sleep with the first girl who offers whether it works or not. – (Note: Great.  Have fun.  At least she’ll get your time and energy for a few minutes.)

There is no "abuse" drama queen

Hope you enjoy your new guy because you'll never have me again.

nd your logic as usual makes not a damned bit of sense. 

And I have been on the other side of how you go from one relationship to the other. I have seen your character.....so save the indignant crap.

Now that you went out and got a guy behind my back, you've officially broken EVERY promise you've ever made to me. - ( I didn't)

That way your new guy and your facebook friends won't see you for the kind of woman that you really are. ( I don't air my stuff out on FB)

I guarantee that there are plenty of women who would appreciate my very attentive love making since you don't anymore. Maybe I'll just sleep with the first one to offer just to get you out of my heart.

Things didn't work out with (an ex) and I and she did some messed up things, but oddly enough, I always knew that her love was sincere. I can't say that about you. - This one really blew my mind since for 2 1/2 years I financially took care of our home together, put him on my health insurance and stood by him through surgeries.  Ok, good that your ex crackhead girlfriend who cheated on you repeatedly was sincere.  

 That way you can keep your time and email boxes free (like you needed to last night) for your new guy.

That's what you really want right? Me out of your life forever so that you can be happy with the other guy. Do you tell him you want to marry him too?

        You have been taking a giant shit on me for days. You have tried to trap me into legal trouble even....WTF. Talk about foul.....that is way below the belt backstabbing. (Paranoid because he tried to manipulate me and say he couldn't drop my stuff off due to a license limitation legally.  So I said that I guess his license wasn't legal to allow him to drive over and scream at me on Saturday.  That caused him to lie in emails to me saying he didn't drive himself over here and that I was lying.  So untrue.  I saw him pull in the driveway.  Unless that car was Kit and Hasselhoff rented it out, he was alone)        

You are not a good woman at all.

Ms. Judgmental.

There are so many different, positive ways, that you could have approached about me not spending as much time with you – Hahahah…That was done.  There was just no follow through on his part. 

That's name calling and "abuse"? You will stoop to any kind of ridiculous twisting in order to play the victim.

You haven't been "disrespected".

YOU are not being disrespected.....

And there you have it.  What I feel is a typical list of things someone with PPD and NPD would say.  

Act Normal

As predicted, Sadness and Regret finally met up and gossiped at the bar.  They showed up here, next to my bedside this morning and waited patiently.  They waited for my normal dream with Flip in it, where the band As Was played silver paper.  But things were together.  He was in a room with a shut door and another person and I had asked, maidlike, if I could come in (I think I had a tray of tea or something).  He said they were going over Family Business.  I went in anyway, the door being unlocked.  Then the gift opening happened. 

I don't know why I am attempting to write at the moment.  The house needs so much...the broom is lonely.  The dishes are tired of sitting in their breakfast mess.  The piggies need attention and I need to spend money that I don't have on laundry before they start to culture. 

After staying awake for awhile, and remembering all these happy Self Happiness boosting statements and theories, such as Happiness is a Choice!, I thought to myself, it's too early to just Choose it.  Maybe it isn't, maybe I'm being a jerk to the new age community.  What I don't want to do is slug around slowly leaving trails of melancholy everywhere for life to slip and fall on. 

Flip of course has been calling over and over.  When will he get the hint that I won't pick up?  He is not a fair player on the phone and I'm done being abused and disrespected.  I sent that shit into a time capsule, due to land on the planet I'm So Done as soon as possible.

His emails have twisted my words well, and I'm sure I will take my rightful slot next to the others who's stories that I heard in the beginning made my mouth drop.  "Really???  How could she do that to you??"  Well, I'm wondering now how much of it was true.  How much was twisted fantasy.  Or are the stories true and these women broke off into their roles as cheaters because they weren't getting something from him that they needed?  I'll never know the answers to this theory and what's the point of knowing anyway.  I'm not crazy.  Well, I'm more mental than I was three years ago but I'm not that type of crazy.  I have been called names, told that I abandoned him (that is a major issue for the narcissist).  And my return arguments are futile....I believe he abandoned us and me during the relationship.  I just made it official. 

It's time to find the mojo to clean up and be joyful.  Although I will say that money does not buy happiness but it sure buys the hell out of not worrying about paying bills and getting food.  So right now I see with a bi-monthly check the holidays creeping up, the back to school items and a birthday that my daughter is obsessed with for a friend who never calls her.  Time to Happy Up!

Time to bust out my I'm Motivated persona!

The Beer and Bad Movie Diet

Okay I wasn't watching a movie when I first started writing.  But by the end of this I have on Sweet Home Alabama with Reese Witherspoon. Back to our regularly scheduled blog....

Beer and baseball highlights.  I say that like I'm such the game watcher.  Truth be told, I was watching Freaks and Geeks all night with my wee one, while playing Monopoly.  

It was hotter than a Fother Mucker today. The animals put on their expression of "suffering" and I did a small rain dance of non-exertion in my head.  Eventually, a storm came through and the people marvelled and put up their photos of my storm on Facebook.  

Know what I love?  When I go to therapy and say all the perfect stuff, as if I walk around life doing that.  It's that couch.  The darnest, most smartest and sane crap comes out as if a string shows up on my back.  I said things in a way that if I could just hang on to it long enough to word to Flip, I'd make sense.  To me. He doesn't care to listen to my voice or read my font for what it is.  It's all just held against me later.  Look, if you're not gonna hold your body against me, don't do it with my words either.

I hate to say this because I'm aware how it makes me sound but no amount of being sober, AA meetings multiple nights, if not all nights, a week or depression meds are going to change his personality and path of thinking.  I have to hire someone to keep watch on my words.  I never know what's going to hit him wrong and start the newest branch on the Tree of Offense.  

Wait, newsflash. I put on the Yankees/Angels game and that ain't no CJ Wilson pitching!!!!  Time to turn the channel.  

Back to the shit.  I'm tired of everything I say being held against me like a brand new layer of the old fight.  I could recite the alphabet and once I got to F, I'd be accused of using a secret code for telling him to Fuck Off. Just can't win sometimes.  Unless you walk away.  It FEELS like you aren't winning but really, Charlie Sheen is right beside you.

This beer mug is so damn heavy that every time I drink, my stomach muscles tighten like they do when you lift something heavy. So my having this beer is really good for my abs.  They don't tell you that on Fitness.com.  

It was one of those work from home days where it got sweltering hot in here.  So I decided to roast beets, cook black beans on the stove and make mac and cheese for the kid.  Not homemade...it was gluten free and boxed.  And delish.  I took enough bites to threaten her getting any at all.

For the most part, I guess I have to say that I told Flip in an email that we should just unfortunately, cap this now. I mean it has been, but it's been with a small glimmer of hope I guess.  I'm not sure why.  I know absolutely that it won't work, that I would never be happy and lost myself in this whole thing years ago.  He's really a good person (we all say that don't we...but everyone is a good person somewhere inside in varying degrees).  I just happen to think that I've been undone and re-trained, which happens to an extent in any relationship....but this was drastic.

I have to sturdy myself for the path ahead and do it because there is no choice but to enjoy what it offers.  What's the alternative and why would it do any good?

And a Dash of Guilt!

I don't know why I attempt to write while there is a movie on that I love.  That movie would be AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.  Right now is the one with that loser Dorothy Umbridge.  Man I hate her and wish I could envelope her in a room with a bunch of guy farts the morning after a baseball game and a stag.  

I'm rockin' the Guilt today. For a few things.  I figure if I'm going to feel bad about one thing, might as well invite the rest to show up so that I can just absorb it all at once.  Like taking accelerated courses.  It just gets you past the fact that much faster.  But first things first...some purple chapstick and maybe a small glass of bourbon.  AND to make note of the amazing scenery in AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.  

Ok it's about ten minutes later and I didn't do anything except put on chapstick.  How the heck can I write the blues without any booze?  

After a week long "fight" with FLIP that really was an ongoing sort of fight after he closed his eyes and basically pinned the tail on the Bad Option of getting me back for some imagined slight, he decided it was time to get the dregs of my stuff (approximately one car load) out of his house.  I noted that it would include the Best Cat Ever, Azrael, who I've had for 8 years.  I'm sure it is no surprise that there isn't a strand of thought about this that was pleasant.  Getting the rest of my dregs was like the equivalent of vacuuming up every corner of his house to be sure that nothing of me exists there at all.  

The worst of it was to open the cat carrier door.  Azrael loves both me and FLIP.  She readily stepped into it to check it out since she has a ton of trust.  I then put her outside in it for air as I got the last of the things that I could fit into my car.  

At the old place, she was able to come and go as she pleased.  The scents of every season,  beautiful spring and summer days...it was all hers to wander around.  The yard was expansive and far away from the road.  She was great about boundaries and protected her property.  She comes when you call her.  She became quite the athlete, racing up a thick tree just to stop mid-way and look at you to be sure that you were taking in her prowess.  

Now she is back in an apartment.  All she can do is look out the window but not go anywhere.   I feel like I've jailed her.  She was friends with his dog and now she has only guinea pigs who will simply stare at her and hope that she will give them some munchies.

Her response here has been good thus far, but I'm not sure that she really knows yet that she isn't going outside.  If FLIP and I were still somewhat together or friendly, I could allow her to go over there some days to enjoy what she enjoys.

The other guilt is regarding FLIP.  I hate doing this to him.  He has crossed so many lines, including knocking on my door at 11:38pm the other night, waking up my daughter.  He has hurt me with so much disrespect during this relationship that rationally, I should be able to forgive.  But there are just too many deep seated emotional stab wounds.  He doesn't apologize for much.  He turns it around instead so that I'm the one who has to apologize.  So while I understand how unhealthy this relationship really was, I still feel bad.  I guess that's just one of those things I inherited from my mom.  He's called me every name in the book, he's told me during moments of heated exchange about how great sex was with his ex, about how even certain people were much better than me.  But when sober of anger, he insists this was all just to upset me.  This is just one thing of so many.  So I know the decision is a good one....and yet, while he is feeling upset that I left and won't apologize, I am feeling bad for all of it.  He does not see himself or the vengeful tendencies that he has.  Instead he parrots what I say to him.  For instance, "FLIP, you are acting like a total doo doo head!".  Then he would say to me "YOU are acting like a total doo doo head!"  And there you have a good amount of what is being said, just insert whatever adjective and it'll work.

Man, I hate Malfoy's dad.  He is such an evil, pompous ass.

The only other guilt is my not hiding the chocolate well enough.  It appears that my girl ate a bunch of it while I was not looking today.  That explains a lot.

Oh I hate this part....Gary Oldman's character dies.  Can't Harry have anything?  Sheesh!

On a bright note, I finally went out and had a fabulous time with an old friend today.  Time ticked at an advanced speed.  We shared drinks and appetizers and company.  Sometimes that's all you need.  That hug of an old friend that reminds you of how much space apart does not matter.  Just time together.

Even Harry Potter won out in the end of this one as he said to Voldemort...."You're the weak one. And you'll never know love,or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."

Make Amends, Make Nightmares, Make New Amends

I am currently listening to yet one more podcast on one of my favorite dudes - Dr. Bruce Lipton.

I'm also cooking rice balls. And no, no one that I know.

I got the communication axe today from the :doot:. I also received an email a number of days ago from a friend of mine that I 'grew up with' in my 20's. She, like me, like many people, are reassessing who they are, the things that they've done and going back to make certain things clear or make amends or explain themselves to others that they've exposed themselves to in the past.

I myself had re-lit the bonfire this year by sending a snail mail to the :doot: to apologize for past deeds while re-assessing my life after Turd Van B, plopped himself out the door. Perhaps reassessments should fall under the Don't Dial While Drunk category because it seems to shake the frail foundation that was already on a dangerous fault line.

These things have a way of opening up past stitches for some. With :doot: I kept having the feeling that I should send him the letter to make amends and if he wished, let it go. There were no strings attached, no contact needed. I just wanted to try and smooth the kinks of the karmic past.

It turned out that the reconciliation caused for both of us, an immeasurable amount of strong feelings and we decided to get back into it with each other. Only I wasn't ready. I have not been alone in my adult life without a partner for very long, ever. Once Turd left, it was finally my chance to see who I am and pursue the energies that I have been trying to wrap myself in.

Eventually I felt it wasn't right for me to be a part of a union anymore. I went into it too fast, too excited by the doors being open that I had thought were merely props. Then I found that spending time together, although enjoyable, was not adding to my life as I wanted it to. That I wasn't 'done' figuring out who I am or what I would need from a relationship. Especially bringing Humanling into things.

Am I truly this wrecking ball that coldly destroys relationships with one brush against the self destruct button? Do I purposely sabotage them? I didn't think so. I just wasn't ready. And told :doot: so. And it generated a lot of animosity of which I feel bad about.

On my personal path down the laundry chute, my reality has told me that there is no blame. Circumstances are what they are. Turd and I were in a very unhappy marriage that I tried with all of my cellular structure to make right on an hourly basis. (Note: it's tough for a Pollyanna to be married to someone who is bi-polar and tried to take his own life). The marriage path for us wasn't working to our benefit, so he did the right thing and left. That doesn't take away the tremendous pain that went with it but I don't like to keep my shoulders down for the count. I don't let it go to Three.

And as much as I wanted to blame him for everything that followed, I knew he made the right choice and really, I blamed myself for staying in a tense situation. I should have left as soon as he had issues with everything I wore or who I spoke with. I should have left when he threatened to leave me because he got me pregnant. But I didn't. All of it made me resolve to fix it up even better.

So why is it that I try to nip things in the bud with :doot: and come clean that I feel my energies need to not be stretched as thin, that my intuition tells me that I need to stay on my spiritual and parental path, and I end up in a dirty ten gallon hat carrying a sawed off shotgun and a coil of rope intended for my next victim?

It makes me sad because now I am trying to wrestle with myself not to judge. Not to be disappointed that I thought we were both going to be in a grown up relationship and part nicely, like they do on TV and found that I am on the playground, wearing fake pearls and an adult's dress and shoes that are too big? I'm sad that I thought we could settle this in this lifetime with grace and that he folded two rounds ago.

He mentioned that although he doesn't wish me into a freefall, he also does not wish me happiness and mentions that I might find this petty. As a person who is single handedly raising a child, yes I do find it petty. I don't have downtime for heartbreak. I have a little being who depends on me and my vibe very much affects her and her health. I'm sorry that :doot: cannot know this feeling. Maybe it just comes with the whole alien experience of a person coming out of your body.

I'm not trying to create a Vs seesaw. I'm trying to milk the teats of one more failed relationship to extract and analyze and avoid for the next time. I know I did the right thing. The energy is not being wasted for either of us. Him wanting more and me wanting to go back into hibernation from relationships. Or as one of my friends tells me ( Hi Ham - yes, it's you!) if it was right, I'd want to spend every moment with him. I can try to open my mouth to argue with that but I know she's got me beat. Simplistic as it sounds, she has given me the permission to realize that I can put the key down. No matter how much I try, it won't fit the lock.

Can't the Director of HSM Just Write My Story Too?

Thankfully I have a nine year old girl.

This enabled me to see Zac Efron without a shirt on, showing off his new 21 year old biceps.

We had to practically camp out to get into High School Musical 3, but because of my usual tendency to show up somewhere early due to OCD, we had prime seats.

It opened with what from my view was an eight foot tall vision of Efron's face, sweating and panting. That director knows what's up. Who's taking all these little girls, running down the movie corridors to this movie? Yeah, maybe its daddy's weekend for custody, but its mostly mom that probably *sacrificed* her time to go.

I could almost do without busting into song constantly but being as the word *Musical* is in the title, I've been forewarned. Buyer Beware.

As the two main characters, Troy and Gabriella, struggle with their usual teen events that trigger ballads and rebellious This Is Who I Am songs with a tang of guitar in it, I turn to the last week that has passed.

I guess for all intensive purposes, I'd have to say that things for now have wound down with :d00t:.

Something Miss Darbus said reminded me of why this all went down - (Yes, Miss Darbus the drama teacher in HSM) - It takes courage to follow your intuition.

My intution has been nagging at me that I still am not ready to plunge after my laborious duties to my ex the Turd Van Blossom. I am slowly undepleting from the whole thing. I am capable of dating. I am capable of wanting someone. I am not at this time taking my heart out of the vault however. It's not time. Not because I'm bitter on love. But because its what intution tells me. Take it easy, girl! No pushing things into a heavy relationship just yet. I have things to accomplish and focus on right now.

I have a child with epilepsy who sleeps next to me at night. I won't allow her to sleep in her own room. Her more major seizures have been coming out of consciousness in the morning and if she weren't next to me, I wouldn't be privvy to that. (Is that how to spell privvy? If it isn't, I'm leaving it anyway. I like it.) Most of my time is spent thinking of what I will be feeding her and I (we're gluten free and dairy free for those who aren't familiar) AND we're vegetarian but do eat eggs. Neuro issues are complex. I have to watch what she eats and make it count whatever she does eat (we're skinny girls....we don't eat a lot in one sitting). Now she's had the petit mal seizures for years...those aren't anything that I've had to worry about too much. I was told they could go away or blossom into more wonderful, complex seizures later on. She's been on two medications for years.

It would seem that we were thrown in the pool for the more wonderful seizures as well since Humanling had one in August. That one was straight up frightening. I knew what it was but couldn't sleep or eat for days after that. I was seeing the :doot: during this and had asked for some extra time to myself because it was just draining and I really just couldn't spend any more energy on relationship type pursuits for that time, whether or not I realized it. I just knew that I needed time. Humanling was also not gluten free right before the seizure. She was Mostly gluten free. The day before the seizure, she'd had more gluten than a bakery.

So we went strict.

And then she had a sleep over last week. I sent her with a militant list, her own food (including bread) snacks and meds. Only to have the parent drop her off the next morning with a drive by of an apology of *I gave her an english muffin. Sorry. Hope nothing bad happens but she said she was hungry*.

That would be the same as if I gave her child a jar of peanut butter. You see, I thought she'd understand because HER kid has a peanut allergy. On top of it, Humanling informed me (yes, she tells on herself, and I didn't prompt it) that her friend dispensed vitamins to her. At night and in the morning. Well guess what. I'm one of those freak moms that many moms love to have a joke about - *GOD, slightly wound tight, eh?* The vitamins she had were full of dyes, not to mention a child should not dispense vitamins without the parent knowing and not at night and in the morning.

Four mornings after gluten, Humanling wakes up in a seizure. We've been free of them for over 2 months. Was it the gluten? Was it the nature of the beast? Coicidence that the gluten was present days beforehand?

Now in :doot:'s correspondance with me, he is very hurt, very inside his feelings and himself right now. I understand that. I really really do. I also understand that he has some personal issues going on that might compound that. In his reaction to my honesty of laying it all out...and I did....meaning - he didn't do anything wrong. I tried to say that there is no blame. There is a timing thing, yes. I did run with it from the beginning and then slowly pulled away over time. I was too consumed by that initial reunion and disbelief that he was still there - still available, still wanting to spend time with me. But then I realized that I'm just not ready still. I thought I was ready, I tried to be ready. But....I'm just not. . Maybe there is blame and I'm not seeing it. But I don't even blame the Turd VB for leaving because it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to be with me, didn't want to be a family or a step dad anymore and he left. Isn't that the right thing to do?

I didn't bother the :doot: with Humanling's seizure. He was still trying to deal with whatever it is on his end that he is working through. All I know is that right now, I felt that at first, I was being typecast again, as the wicked one. The one who lures people in with the intention of raking their heart out with a dull fork and throwing it against the gas station window across the way to watch it splat and then catch itself over and over on the way down, like a sticky hand. For some reason, I just don't think he thinks right now that I have a side. That really, what I am doing is withdrawing from our verbal contract and not giving it a second thought. But I have my life, full of things, as does anyone else. My time and energy is tied up 98% with the little being that I'd wanted with all of my heart and am keeping my promise to take care of her. I just want the leftover 2% to do with what I will, without having to uphold my end of a serious relationship. It sounds so selfish. But someday I will have time for that relationship. Or rather, will make the time without feeling that other things are being neglected. Like myself.

Or..put into other words....I have a ton of other things on my mind that crowd and try to take 2nd place (Humanling gets 1st).

I don't like to hurt people, ever. Which is why I haven't retaliated at all with Turd, but really really fought it. But in the end, Good won and evil was boiled into a sweet pudding. I didn't want to hurt :doot: and question my motives as to why this is all happening. I certainly didn't foresee it like this, but I haven't figured out the In-between. Or if its fair for the other person to deal with an in-between.

Back to Miss Darbus - It takes courage to follow your intuition.

I need my time with the Humanling. She is going to grow up and toss me for someone with a bit more testosterone someday. Mine and the :doot's dates had to be a day long and a night - it was an LDR and you can't really just hang for a movie and go home after that. You can't just have dinner together and do the small spurt thing. When you live that far, your dates have to be long. You have to be serious it seems and you have to be ready for the next logical step to bridge the gap.

I need what time is mine, after Humanling is asleep, to follow my pursuits, to connect with friends, to budget (Ha ha ha! Yeah right! More like creative accounting. More like calling the car company to make an arrangement so that Shades's car is still there in the morning, more like calling the Internet Gods to let them know a payment just went out so that I can still work from home, more like know that we can't live the standard American diet because its poison - therefore things are a tad pricier...or that because of all the bounced checks so as to pay who needs paying - about $800 was missing from my direct deposit last week due to fees and covering those checks....you can imagine what is left for the next two weeks is a fun challenge for me). The :doot: doesn't see this side. What does he see? I don't know. But I'm more than occupied. I'm wondering at all times, just how am I going to do the switch and lift the cup game of what is getting paid on time and what will take some mathematic spacing on the calendar. My guess is that of course after having Me Time for three years, the :doot: is maybe also in a very good place to take the next step. I sound like a train wreck on the other hand. Freshly divorced a month ago.

It's fall and its fair time as well. I'm usually making things to sell at the fairs. Humanling has an agenda as well that I have to work with. Or I'm in front of the stove for hours, which I love, but it is time consuming.

I'm voracious about reading. I need to devour, I need to learn. My goal since I was 22 was to go into energy healing. I need to be serious about this because its still what I read about, its still my interest, my passion. Is this why a monk is alone? To focus, to study, to caretake (clean, cook, etc)? I'm not comparing myself to a monk. I don't have that kind of focus just yet.

My house is in disarray today. I'm out of focus. I want to do something quality with Humanling today. And I want to read. To excercise, to study, to create. It whirlwinds around my head and instead, I will either take action, or wander from room to room picking up tiny things that have easy answers as to where they should be.

One question is - Will I ever date? I guess I would if it seemed right. It's not a goal, but its not an obsolete idea either. To get me to make a date to go anywhere or have anyone in my house sometimes takes pulling teeth. I'm an extrovert while out but once I'm in, my world seals off.

The other question would be - will Humanling will ever sleep at someone else's house again.

And....will there be a HSM 4? And would Troy lose a game of strip poker in it?