Who Needs a Globe When You Have Paper

Whenever I get to interview someone that's been on NPR I feel pretty darn glowy.  When I get to interview someone that Terry Gross has interviewed, I feel like the Media Gods are handing me a gift.  Today on the radio show that I co-host with my good pal Jennifer, we interviewed Gretchen Reynolds, who not only was interviewed by Terry Gross twice, but is also a blogger for the NY Times.  I'm doubly intrigued!  So at some point I should go ahead and write up that blog for Scorpion Equinox...something that I've discovered I am terrible at keeping up with.  PR is totally not for me unless it was the only thing that I had to do.  Even eating would divert me from the task, so yes, the ONLY thing I could be assigned to. 

Dang.  I just dropped so many links it looks like the ticker tape parade just came through here.

And I just saw something stuck in my hair.  Popcorn.  White cheddar from Trader Joe's.  Holy sober sloberino.  I am out of all beer.  Porkslap, Blue Moons and Other.  A few were wasted when I saw a tiny bit of rust around the neck after the cap came off.  It wasn't until one night I employed the Eff It superpower and drank it anyway that I noted I'm here still.  Live and learn.  So I had this astrology vodka nip in the cabinet.  I drank the Scorpio one months ago.  All that was left was Pisces.  I originally picked it up for a friend who had to cancel.  She knows who she is.  I'm drinking your nip, Girlie!  Maybe I will feel more intuitive with the Pisces one.  I'm already a water sign so I may not notice the difference if there is one.  

So I have been receiving some leveled up angry emails from Flip.  I didn't think he could still be angry.  By now it has to be boring to be in a mono-emotive vibe for so long.  He is still going on with the Earth is Flat theory.  What that means to me, is that he started off with a misunderstanding two or three weeks ago.  I gave an explanation to clear up any misunderstandings that had to do with my feelings, motives or actions.  Hence, the world is not flat, the world is Round.  Now that you know the New information, you can base any thoughts, theories, questions and emotions off of this New information that completely negates the Old information.  Not so.  It makes too much sense.  Flip is disregarding the globes, the satellite photos, the high profile aliens with diagrams and proof shots.  The earth is still flat, it always was and whatever you say won't matter.  We will simply reset the computer date to before this conversation that cleared things up and will keep fighting the old fight built on false narratives. 

To me, the advice that I've heard regarding being the partner of a narcissist is really sort of against all that I believe.  They tell us to Run!!!  Run, they can't really be helped!  Or perhaps it is the rare person who can see outside of themselves and heal.  But think about it...a narcissist can not see anyone's point of view but their own.  They are never to blame.  You caused all of your woes AND theirs.  They seem to take Woes, change up the spelling and utilize it just as strongly...OWES.  You OWE them.  And they'll let you know it in no uncertain terms.  So when I hear the advice to simply Get Out before you're Got, it saddens me.  I want to believe that every situation is fixable.  But when you really think about it, how can it be most of the time?  And now this "monster" that you've invested so much into has to be thought of something poisonous and toxic in order to remove yourself and heal.  

Me personally....I'm going to need some time.  Maybe not years.  But some time.  I need to unravel the puppet strings of guilt, manipulation, shame, doubt so that I can start from the ground and build up again.  I feel hopeful so far and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks.  I have to admit that I'm fueled by every email he sends belittling me, calling me names and trying to insult me.  The untruths boil my blood but see Earth is Flat theory.  There's no helping that. All I can do is control me.  My replies will not stoop to these levels....and for some time have not.  I will admit feeling goaded and giving in at times to freezing the shit before smacking it back so I felt no splatter.  But in the last few weeks, I've done my best to avoid being sucked in.  Now I understand why it is advised with this type of personality to just cut it off completely and not speak with them.  

I've had more pleasant situations lately, one being that I stepped on a thumbtack with my bare foot yesterday.  And seeing that I walk like a descendant of Attila the Hun, my heel slammed down on it so hard that it was flat up against my heel.  I hopped over to hold on to a piece of furniture and then looked.  I wasn't in a hurry...I wasn't sure that I wanted to know what it was because it still had to come out.  It felt like it took extra long to pull it out but after my daughter's offer to do it for me, it was worth the agony.  That's ok hon, I don't need it being dragged out with your inexperienced fingers tugging and pulling it in 19 different directions on the way out.  You can just kiss me when I'm done washing the dirt off my feet from walking around barefoot, and then having a tack shove two layers of it straight into my bloodstream. 

Pisces vodka is done and now to toggle between Jon Stewart and Frasier.  Nighty night all!

My mornings, once brightened with the glow of an online NPR Morning Edition stream, now seem cluttered and packed with MSNBC news. Not a bad news channel…preferable, in fact when compared to what else is Out There.

Unfortunately for me, the volume is usually two notches past Comfortable. The type of volume where you’d like to ask for it to be turned down, but *can* live with it for awhile longer, in the hopes that you will actually adjust to it. Kind of like when you are in bed at night and think you *might* have to pee but maybe you can live with the level of discomfort. Wait, that’s a possible bad example. I will usually get up so that I don’t lie there awake with both the discomfort, and also the fear of having *that dream* in which you are peeing and then will possibly wake up in a horrifyingly warm and wet self fulfilling prophecy.

Even more unfortunate is the amount of sleep that Mate obtained throughout the loud MSNBC blast with multiple reviews of the same story. I not only know today’s news, but I can repeat it loudly, a few times. He did wake up long enough to switch to the more enthusiastic (read: even louder) sports channel, and promptly, while sitting up, most likely with finger still on the remote (possibly on the Up volume button), fell back asleep.

Eventually the blob of protoplasm known as Man and His Dog, move to the bed. Our soundtrack continues to be the enthusiastic sports channel, with even more boisterous commercials. I turn around to see them lying on my side of the bed, dog, moreso. The mystery of why my side of the bed and blanket stink like dog has been exposed.

I am working from home and when I’m working from the office used to wonder a few things. Mate hasn’t been working since January, due to illness, surgeries, convenience (believe it or not during the summer when the Humanling was out of school) and now, what is considered by various doctors to be in the cauldron, a dash of post Lyme’s, a half cup of fibromyalgia, a block of IBS, hyper-mobility in the joints, AVN and before adding the lid to the pot, I’m going to add the opinionated spice of Too Much Attention To Aches and Pains. He can be well enough to garden, to take the Non Bed Freshening dog on walks and hikes, achieve 500 pushups in the morning and other greatest hits. Some days he is merely a pile of pain. Some days he feels great. With what I can see, it isn’t looking good for him to have a job anytime soon….unless the boss is a saint to allow him plenty of time to rest and lie around with a newspaper.

As I watch him sleep, my mind racing to things it shouldn’t. An example? No, I couldn’t possibly. No really! Well ok, maybe just one….

My mind starts to replay all the housekeeping lectures that I’ve heard. I need only turn around and see dust-bunnies that are the size of dust-Mercedes. Or the piles of stuff that need to be sorted through, or his sliding stack of mail that would be a hazard ski trail for a ladybug.

Now I can’t say for sure, but I suspect I’m slowly being driven to the outer regions of my sanity. One of the recent conversations that I had with someone involved this very strategy. And guess what – it wasn’t brought up by me! I thought she might have been a seer or stargazer, but as it turned out, she was merely listening to me talk. This is her hypothesis and it fits like a sanity-threatening glove.

I think it is time to take a break and go down and do squats. I’m a squat back-stabber. I happen to love squat results but hate the act of doing them. However, for now they are engaging enough to keep my mind from trying to jump the fence near the border!

Another beautiful day, working from home. The bird feeder is rather low and I suspect that their faith in us will only go so far, until we refill it. Either that or else I'm going to open the door after hearing a faint knock and will find a flapping friend with a vendetta in my face stressing a strong hint.

As I work I enjoy checking out NPR or the New York Times podcasts. I find this time to be an excellent avenue to learn. I also get to choose what I'm going to hear instead of having the constrant scroll of doom being stuffed down my throat. Do I want to remain oblivious to the world's not so stellar moments of human fallabilities? Not so much. For me its similar to animal slaughter. I know it exists, I won't try and paint rainbows and robotic smiley faces over it but I don't need to navigate my way into the middle of it and make it my mind's soundtrack. We do need much positive energy to make this planet an even better place and while it is imperative to drop any sense aloofness to the plight of others, we aren't going to change things from a low level.

NPR also has a fabulous page for new music. This morning I have been enthralled with a new jazz find. It's jazz, yeeeeahhhh......BUT it sounds like a sensual sashay into an exotic moment. It is a strong Being on the opposite side of the room with a penetrating gaze that locks into you and the rest of the room disappears as it moves closer, all intentions to move into and inebriate you. Head here and play El Gaucho Rojo.

Step dog, aka Moaning Myrtle (its a male but anyone should be honored to have a Harry Potter reference bestowed upon them) is subtle this morning. Happy to laze on the loveseat, time punctuated by a drop by from our common love, his daddy, mi amore. At times he tries to fit himself in my tiny lap and like an odd couple with much fondness for each other, we just can't make it right and have to give in to the inflexibility of our forms. He hops back down, we are lightly sorry, but not offended. It just isn't going to happen today.

Work is good today, as it is most days, with the threat of my common sense and rational getting love blind from moment to moment. My mistakes are plain silly when they happen and are probably due to my obsessive Scorpio nature to dive deep into my heart and allow the exchange that exists between mi amore and I to swirl around and engulf me completely. It's the kind that makes you miss your turn while driving, or to not hear someone call your name. The kind that causes you to apologize to your workmates and whine that falling in love is difficult to balance with mundane chores. We should all be so happy to daydream about our actual reality and hope for an understanding smile when we misplace our sense of detail due to such escapades.

Cheers for a wonderful weekend to all!