Autumn Equinox 2012

My absolute favorite time of year!!!!  Happy happy autumn equinox to you all.  Slow down in some aspects, tie up loose ends, prepare for a rest before creating the new.  Plan to be and practice who it is you are bursting to become.  I have found that now is that time.  Perhaps for others it is Spring (another great time to renew) but for me, I find that Autumn is that crinkling of the old, burn it up like a pile of dry leaves, molt, shed the skin, it's a new year.  

It's been quite a year for me.  So much unhappiness and confusion swelled to a crescendo and doubled back, doubting itself only for my soul to go all "Bitch, we're going auto-pilot and taking care of business" while my heart stood there, clutching a teddy bear, and saying, "but maybe this time....?"  Auto pilot is good.  It's what your heart, your lungs, your whole body does at every single moment.  It knows better than I do.  It's wired.  And when I get into a situation that isn't good for me, my system gives me awhile to make decisions on my own, giving me signals.  Drawing graphs, putting up billboards, making afterschool specials about it.  My blinders are tailor made by Pollyanna though.  It can Change!  Auto pilot buzzes off my two braided hairdo, smacks me on the ass and suddenly I hear myself saying things like "I'm moving out" even though inside I'm freaking out.  It got me into emotionally and psychologically safer digs.

  An abuser though, will make you feel like you are crying 'abuse' like a politician wearing a rainbow pin at a gay parade.  You start to wonder....well, there really wasn't anything physical that happened...really...a couple of small things but nothing really.  So was it abuse?  Yes.  Cutting someone down and destroying parts of their psyche to suit how you need to run a household is abuse.  But the kicker is - what if they are not completely aware of themselves?  That's a toughie.  I don't want to be on the jury for that one.  But I suspect on some level, they know.  Especially if they have a history of relationships crashing against the wall in high drama most of the time.  Patterns. Patterns.  Listen to their stories of past relationships.  If you're in a sucky situation, you might pick up on something.

My ex happens to be obsessive about emailing me constantly now to blame or cut me down.  I have tried to stay true to my karmic ideal of going out on a feather and not blasting off on a fiery rampage.  Finally after a long period of time, I finally said (in an email) that I am no longer responding to the cut down emails to the tune of Same Old.  Instead if he has a question, I will answer it.  I've been baited.  I've bit.  But I've tried to bit down with the flat teeth, not the canines. He's created a victim narrative where although with everything that I've done for him, for us, I've become the user.  Might I add, when he worked, he was a fabulous salesman.  He has a number of awards for it.  He could convince anyone who has the slightest crack in their foundation, of anything.  I had some cracks...now a cavern would be more like it.  Like a decaying tooth though, you remove the decay, you remove just a tiny bit more, and then immerse in something to neutralize, then germinate and flourish.  Ok, a tooth doesn't flourish.  But I like the pretty words so we can just agree that it makes sense? 

I'm sitting outside right now on my porch, actually cold with a light jacket on.  It's a beautiful gray day.  I'm hoping for some camera type inspiration but trying to let go of it as a Must, or else there will be disappointment.  My desire to run out and find photogenic opportunities clashes with my desire to stay home and write, read, clean guinea pig cages and just be.  One of these things is not like the other....dare you figure it out?  And seriously, while I sit here, I can hear my downstairs neighbor's AC on.  It is SIXTY SEVEN DEGREES outside.  Is he a snowman??

So I've taken this beautiful morning (lie, it's really 12:38 at this point) and used it to purge myself further of Flip.  It's like an infection though....just have to keep ingesting and living in the salve that will slowly take care of the complete septicity.  Someday it will cleansed to the point where it's not on my mind so much - or at all.  When my second marriage ended, it consumed me.  One day, months down the road, I realized that I wasn't thinking about him much anymore.  How freeing that is!

I did have a dream last night about Flip.  We were broken up still, but I realized that I was pregnant.  And I told him that I was.  But with tears in my eyes told him that he would have to realize that we probably couldn't go through with it due to health reasons.  He was not warm during any of this.  And in real life, he would have been excited to have a child.  

My interpretation is thus:  At the end of things, a late seed has been planted....yet one more opportunity to do what is easy and stay in it.  A solid opportunity to stay bound.  The hard thing to do is reject the comfort (and yes!  even being in something abusive for years or degrading can be comfortable to your psyche - it's what you get used to) and whisk your own self away to stop the cyclic insanity.  Whisk your own self away.  Not wait for someone else to do it for you because it won't happen.  And in most cases, if it does, then you didn't experience the emotional parfait that you needed to in order to really stop the cycle and get better.  You could end up rejecting a wonderful partner because you aren't aware of your comfort with the abusive, co-dependent, whatever negative relationship.  Or you may find yourself in the hands of Same Shit Different Penis. Worse, if you trade down into eerier circumstances.

I've done this.  I am aware now - I pushed away someone who, if I were to write a checklist of all that I wanted in a man, would take home prizes for every category.  But I wasn't aware.  I was brought up in a violent home with a very critical and unaffectionate parent.  Breadcrumbs is what I learned.  Take the crumbs, whatever you can get. Hang on to it.  Once you get a crumb, that means you've gotten that hard won approval - finally!  Yes!  He SEES me.  He cares!  I win!  But it's just a crumb.  It isn't going to sustain you for very long.

Just for the record, my parent has changed in the later years and all is forgiven - unspoken forgiveness. We are human, there are no instructions and our parents can only do what they learned if they aren't aware either.  While it is one of the best things to happen that we can have a 100% better relationship than when I was little, it doesn't mean that my issues disappeared.  Now I'm on an island, no longer in that relationship with my father, and am stuck with the bill.  Now that I am aware (due to therapy, self reflection and lots o time listening to podcasts and reading on the internet) I can choose to do something with it.  It's not something I would bring up to my father, I'm sure he has his own thoughts and guilt about stuff.  But as a self-aware adult, I can stop choosing relationships that repeat the cycle in some way.  I can create a welcome sign for the guy who meets the checklist.

Phew, told you this is a new year.  A renewal.  My autumn.  I'm going to marry it.  

Happy Equinox!!!  

Starbucks, The Realizations You Giveth Me

I have been enjoying a couple of hours here at Starbucks this morning.  Right up until the mobile diaper smell wafted by.  Was it the Bathroom?  The garbage?  Or the Butler!?!

On my drive this morning to drop off my EKG lingerie, I had so many thoughts.  Wonderful, meaningful, WORLD CHANGING thoughts!!!  Ok, well maybe just a little more mild than all that. I do think much better outside of the house.  Especially when I am not driving to work.  There are those days where on my way to work I have some nice creative conversations with myself, or stop along the way to capture a few moments on the camera.   I noticed today though, a long drive with no office to answer to afterward, felt like leveling up a bit.  More room expanded, more clear ideas sought me out.  I still haven't bought that lotto ticket though.

Dear God, I hope that Typhoid Bill across from me is not contagious.  He has been hacking all morning from that table directly in my line of air current.  

There is one event this weekend that I am looking forward to nearly above all others.  The neighboring town's library book fair.  HOLY HELL I can't wait!!!!  This is why I should cut up my library card.  Why do I need it?  Why do I need to browse through, window shopping, and then take out books that I won't get to on time?  Because then, if I really did want to read it, I'll hang onto it until I finish it.  Even if it is a painful $7.00 in fees later.  This is one reason why I look around my house and think, well shall I continue to be a Collector or an actual reader?  

The next event is I'M GOING TO CVS!!!  They nearly exclusively sell the Salma Hayek skin care line, Nuance.  She was on Rachel Ray yesterday and I think I can trust Salma.  I've heard good things about the line and she threw her grandmother's influence into the mix so when they choose G'mas over G-strings, it makes it more legit for me.  The best part is that everything is basically under $20.  One of the items is even a little over $5.  Salma is a Virgo.  I knew I liked her.  That and her Got Milk commercial even though I don't believe in drinking milk.  Uh oh....mind confrontation.  Don't believe in the one ad.....but wait, the Grandmother was involved!  So only one of them has to be bogus....has to be the milk ad.  That's my final ruling.

Heart of hearts....I found out that Joyce Johnson, former girlfriend to Jack Kerouac, is going to be at the Strand book store in NYC on September 26th promoting her new book.  I'm gonna Mariah Carey dis bitch and Make it Happen.  She may very well be the last living member of that most inspiring and fascinating Beat generation group.  I keep thinking...no, the money to get there, gotta buy the book....wah wah wah....but she's not Jif peanut butter in the bread aisle.  I can't just go there next week or the week after or in two years and I can has Joyce Johnson.  A scale tipper for sure.  Spend the dough, get the sitter, see the Johnson.  Oh dayum....don't be wrong - it's an elderly woman.  Then again, she was of the Beat Era.  

I have a couple of observations to make - one, people buy a lot of those yogurt and berry concoctions here at Starbucks.  Nice breakfast choice.  Maybe next time I'll bump the veggie egg sandwich in favor of.  Two, I am so thankful that my kids are 25 and 13.  I do not want to be chasing around any screaming little Ids through a store, finding myself silly enough to book a friend date at the same time so that I can attempt to listen to my childless friend as my kid pulls out the supporting coffee cup in a pyramid display.  You don't even have to look up to know the sound of a terrified mother's flip flops flapping by to keep their kid from licking the bathroom door handles.

Our show with Kaleah was pretty awesome yesterday I must say.  So glad to have had her on.  I'll bet if Flip listened to that show he'd ask me how I feel now that I've ripped off the SuperJerk mask and revealed that I Am The Narcissist. 

If Only Ounces of Misery Lead to More Butt Muscle

I was attempting to blog last night but my mind puttered out and decided that it didn’t feel like doing anything except go to  Relationship Crapola Land.  That’d be great if I had something new or constructive to say.  Or even that I was in a great relationship and here’s me and my significant other going out to dinner/staying in bed with a book/parallel playing while I am on the computer and he watches tv/or walking together, gently caressing fingers. 

Sorry, can’t offer any of that up.  Not even for myself to read because it would have to be labeled fictitious.  So fine, I was in a mood with writer’s block bonus.  More importantly, I noticed that the first things onto the screen were relationship type complaints.  I know now that the partner of a narcissist really suffers…suffers in a different way than the narcissist…who usually will not know or acknowledge what they are doing.  The first thing that should have concerned me in my writings last night was that of the impending Skype session to see my grandpyre’s first birthday!  Being three hours behind my time, I was anticipatoried out and closed my eyes until I got the text to get on the computer.  And it was awesome.  I watched that little guy wander all over the room, enjoying his newfound mobile freedom.   He was outta here, bitches!  He was excited, there were colorful toys all over the place and I got to see him on his first birthday.  Monumentous, technology.  Except that they couldn’t see me.  Looks like I could have left my hair up and avoided the extra pouf of makeup without doing harm.

Today’s it is the motions.  All I could think when I woke up was, Must get up and work.  And I work from home today so that’s A-mazing!  Yayuh!  However, I find it tougher and tougher to get out of bed lately.  I’m getting out, it’s just harder.    But for some reason, way later in the day, I have no problem driving to the track to walk for nearly an hour. 

I gotta keep the conversation minimal with Flip.  I set out my fancy set of teeth to bite the bait when it is offered.  I tell myself that I’ll open the email, I’ll read it and then just not answer it if it is going to be derogatory or if I find myself needing to defend myself against his untruths about me. 

Ego Fail.  90% of the time.  Other times I’m stellar about closing it back up and ignoring it.  I think it is because I am trying too hard to make sure he hears the real story before he gives his version to the next girl.  I know those stories.  I’ve heard them.  With his description, rarely do any of his exes come off as sound, moral people.  I can see that I’m getting thrown into that bucket too which makes me respond.  No!  Don’t tell your futures that I was THIS and THAT!  That’s wrong!  I tried so hard to give you everything!  Then my ego notes that the deaf ears are still attached to the typing fingers pointing at me in CAPS that I am indeed THIS and THAT even though I’ve explained myself with rationale.  The Earth is Flat again.  Deflate.

So onward for now.  My mind is mush, I feel like someone put Monsanto cotton in my head.  It’s not even original mush.  It’s sterile, infected, no original thought mush.

I recently thought about a woman who was mentioned on a PBS airing of Ken Burns’ Prohibition.  She was a journalist in the 1920s and went by the pseudonym of “Lipstick”.  She wrote saucy details about the nightlife in clubs and speakeasies.  And of course, she was a SHE.  Those were the only details that I could remember.  However, Google to the rescue in my ADHD moment of need.  Lois Long is her name, springing forth both the use of her name for Flapper ha-has and a wonderment of whether or not the creator of Lois Lane had heard of her.  She did write for the New Yorker, after all. 

My intrigue so far leads me only to archives of the New Yorker.  They do allow me to read one grouping of articles that spans from 1937 through 1946 , but then they want me to you know…commit…subscribe!  I’ll read what I can in the meantime.  What is noted is that for a gal who enjoyed being Flapperish and loving the night life, she did not resonate with the idea of women  being photographed from or even really allow clothes to demonstrate what we now embrace as Boo-tay.  As Miz Long (if you’re nas-tay!) says, “Women, though less favored structurally by Nature, insist on tucking in their shirts and buying waist-length sweaters, and seem to take masochistic pleasure in being seen (and even photographed) from the rear.  It passes my understanding.” 

Now of course, the Rear is the Starbucks of the body.  People can’t get enough of it.  We spend so much time thinking about it, working for it, staring at and coveting other butts.  Wonder what she would have thought of a whole society thinking that butts are the living end.

Who Needs a Globe When You Have Paper

Whenever I get to interview someone that's been on NPR I feel pretty darn glowy.  When I get to interview someone that Terry Gross has interviewed, I feel like the Media Gods are handing me a gift.  Today on the radio show that I co-host with my good pal Jennifer, we interviewed Gretchen Reynolds, who not only was interviewed by Terry Gross twice, but is also a blogger for the NY Times.  I'm doubly intrigued!  So at some point I should go ahead and write up that blog for Scorpion Equinox...something that I've discovered I am terrible at keeping up with.  PR is totally not for me unless it was the only thing that I had to do.  Even eating would divert me from the task, so yes, the ONLY thing I could be assigned to. 

Dang.  I just dropped so many links it looks like the ticker tape parade just came through here.

And I just saw something stuck in my hair.  Popcorn.  White cheddar from Trader Joe's.  Holy sober sloberino.  I am out of all beer.  Porkslap, Blue Moons and Other.  A few were wasted when I saw a tiny bit of rust around the neck after the cap came off.  It wasn't until one night I employed the Eff It superpower and drank it anyway that I noted I'm here still.  Live and learn.  So I had this astrology vodka nip in the cabinet.  I drank the Scorpio one months ago.  All that was left was Pisces.  I originally picked it up for a friend who had to cancel.  She knows who she is.  I'm drinking your nip, Girlie!  Maybe I will feel more intuitive with the Pisces one.  I'm already a water sign so I may not notice the difference if there is one.  

So I have been receiving some leveled up angry emails from Flip.  I didn't think he could still be angry.  By now it has to be boring to be in a mono-emotive vibe for so long.  He is still going on with the Earth is Flat theory.  What that means to me, is that he started off with a misunderstanding two or three weeks ago.  I gave an explanation to clear up any misunderstandings that had to do with my feelings, motives or actions.  Hence, the world is not flat, the world is Round.  Now that you know the New information, you can base any thoughts, theories, questions and emotions off of this New information that completely negates the Old information.  Not so.  It makes too much sense.  Flip is disregarding the globes, the satellite photos, the high profile aliens with diagrams and proof shots.  The earth is still flat, it always was and whatever you say won't matter.  We will simply reset the computer date to before this conversation that cleared things up and will keep fighting the old fight built on false narratives. 

To me, the advice that I've heard regarding being the partner of a narcissist is really sort of against all that I believe.  They tell us to Run!!!  Run, they can't really be helped!  Or perhaps it is the rare person who can see outside of themselves and heal.  But think about it...a narcissist can not see anyone's point of view but their own.  They are never to blame.  You caused all of your woes AND theirs.  They seem to take Woes, change up the spelling and utilize it just as strongly...OWES.  You OWE them.  And they'll let you know it in no uncertain terms.  So when I hear the advice to simply Get Out before you're Got, it saddens me.  I want to believe that every situation is fixable.  But when you really think about it, how can it be most of the time?  And now this "monster" that you've invested so much into has to be thought of something poisonous and toxic in order to remove yourself and heal.  

Me personally....I'm going to need some time.  Maybe not years.  But some time.  I need to unravel the puppet strings of guilt, manipulation, shame, doubt so that I can start from the ground and build up again.  I feel hopeful so far and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks.  I have to admit that I'm fueled by every email he sends belittling me, calling me names and trying to insult me.  The untruths boil my blood but see Earth is Flat theory.  There's no helping that. All I can do is control me.  My replies will not stoop to these levels....and for some time have not.  I will admit feeling goaded and giving in at times to freezing the shit before smacking it back so I felt no splatter.  But in the last few weeks, I've done my best to avoid being sucked in.  Now I understand why it is advised with this type of personality to just cut it off completely and not speak with them.  

I've had more pleasant situations lately, one being that I stepped on a thumbtack with my bare foot yesterday.  And seeing that I walk like a descendant of Attila the Hun, my heel slammed down on it so hard that it was flat up against my heel.  I hopped over to hold on to a piece of furniture and then looked.  I wasn't in a hurry...I wasn't sure that I wanted to know what it was because it still had to come out.  It felt like it took extra long to pull it out but after my daughter's offer to do it for me, it was worth the agony.  That's ok hon, I don't need it being dragged out with your inexperienced fingers tugging and pulling it in 19 different directions on the way out.  You can just kiss me when I'm done washing the dirt off my feet from walking around barefoot, and then having a tack shove two layers of it straight into my bloodstream. 

Pisces vodka is done and now to toggle between Jon Stewart and Frasier.  Nighty night all!

I'm not Paranoid, YOU are!

Tonight I was busy writing (for a moment really) for my other blog, Even Though Epilepsy Sucks...so I thought I would do something simple here to at least stick my head out of the Quiet sand.  I have not relapsed at this point.  I maybe would have.  But then I look at all the emails that have been sent to me in the last 6 days.  Most of them unfriendly.  I notice that Flips toggles between narcissist traits and those of Paranoid Personality Disorder.  Unfortunately, any attempt to tell someone that you think they are either of these things is going to get ugly.  They won't believe you anyway.  (The font in red are my thoughts after his quote).  

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder

A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
• Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
• Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
• Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
• Persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
• Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
• Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

What I have next are basically one liners from a compilation of emails that I've received from Flip over the last 6 days.  It doesn't cover everything but it's a pretty good synopsis of what I've been hearing for years now whenever there is a disagreement.  It took me a long time to consider any of this 'abuse'.  

You are a very cruel and vindictive person. I will not forget the pleasure that you are taking in the way you're breaking up with me and kicking me out of your life FOREVER.

You created a fight so that you could break up with me. You did it intentionally. 

The pleasure you take in hurting me is truly sick

You are by far the most vindictive and hurtful girl I've ever known

Fucking phony

YOU started the yelling AND the fighting AND the disrespect. ALL YOU!!!!!

You did this on purpose. 

But YOU are the only one pointing the finger of blame all the time

You are a very sick human being!

YOU want sympathy for feeling lonely in a relationship? That's why I went to McGrath's in the first place

JESUS you are a HUGE hypocrite!

Do you have any idea how much shit you have put me through since you've moved out.

I didnt blame u at all drama queen.

Real compassionate little girl.

I've tried much harder than you.

Do you imagine yourself to be a picnic in a relationship? Do you imagine yourself such the perfect "partner". 

And you yelled out your window as you made me unwelcome at your house - "you don't want to speak to me ever again". – Not what I said.

This is a perfect example of your very delusional victimhood bullshit.

I don't know why you continue to try and portray this martyrdom picture of yourself to me.

But you definitely DID say as you shut the window in my face that you don't ever want to speak to me again. –*Note- this is not what I said.

This bullshit victim story about how your so neglected is all made up in your very insecure and completely self centered mind. 

Stop playing games like a fucking child.

You deserved to be hung up on.

Funny, you called me more in the 5 minutes that you were so desperate to get off on dumping me, than you did the entire month that I got my DWI.....that's the kind of "partner" you are.

I can't believe one word you say about other guys or anything like it.

blah blah blah new guy blah blah blah I don't read the emails thoroughly blah blah blah making shit up to suit my cause.

blah blah blah, I'm an insensitive person, blah blah blah, you're not good enough for me, blah blah blah, I'm the perfect partner

it is really fucked up of you to drag things out for me

You are a very sick little girl.

 It's not enough that you lied to me about your feelings and broke my heart, you have to make up lies about me and tell people you're in danger? - (Note:  This was an assumption he made)

I am on the hurt end of this. This wasn't my choice, it was yours entirely.  – (Note: The hurt started before the break up for me.  That’s the difference.)

Pure paranoid delusional psycho babble.

You want to go and find how every many guys it takes to make you happy and I don't want to be around to see it. 

No wonder you got so insecure about me going to McGrath's....because for you, going out to a bar DOES mean that you're hooking up with someone else. Are you screwing him already or do you think you can finish disentangling your life from the "man you're so in love with" first?  - (More assumptions.  I've been home every night save for one night that I went out for a couple of hours.)

I can't believe how completely full of shit you are and how easily you can lie about love. You are a woman of very low character.

Get your shit and go be with your new boyfriend you heartless lying cheat. – Complete incorrect assumption

What kind of woman tells a man she wants to marry him and then less than two weeks later goes and finds another man behind his back because she's not getting laid enough during the week. You said you liked the sex so much, but all of the sudden you're content to have none? You are a liar. I'm not stupid. I can see the truth here . - Huge Assumption

Because you'll never have me again.

You went out and found someone else because my depression is too annoying to you.

but stop selling this bullshit that you were in love with me. You don't know what it means to truly love another. 

You just want to look like a neglected victim so that your new guy and your friends don't see the very shallow truth.

 I won't call it making love because it was only that for me. You only kept me around for casual sex until you found another guy. Just like I always knew you would. –( It was obviously doomed anyway then.  Should have let me leave sooner.)

 You would NEVER tell the truth. I can see the writing on the wall. It's not hard to figure out. You ALWAYS want sex.

There is no way you would go from marriage to break up over not enough attention and then want to be completely alone and have NO sex. - Assumption

One night at a bar and two days later, relationship over, on to the next one. It's still cheating even though you broke up with me after you met him. I know very well that you will NEVER admit the truth, but it's obvious. – horrible assumption

And what makes you think that I have any desire to touch you in "any way shape or form" after you dumped me for being depressed and immediately ran to another man.

 And I will sleep with the first girl who offers whether it works or not. – (Note: Great.  Have fun.  At least she’ll get your time and energy for a few minutes.)

There is no "abuse" drama queen

Hope you enjoy your new guy because you'll never have me again.

nd your logic as usual makes not a damned bit of sense. 

And I have been on the other side of how you go from one relationship to the other. I have seen your character.....so save the indignant crap.

Now that you went out and got a guy behind my back, you've officially broken EVERY promise you've ever made to me. - ( I didn't)

That way your new guy and your facebook friends won't see you for the kind of woman that you really are. ( I don't air my stuff out on FB)

I guarantee that there are plenty of women who would appreciate my very attentive love making since you don't anymore. Maybe I'll just sleep with the first one to offer just to get you out of my heart.

Things didn't work out with (an ex) and I and she did some messed up things, but oddly enough, I always knew that her love was sincere. I can't say that about you. - This one really blew my mind since for 2 1/2 years I financially took care of our home together, put him on my health insurance and stood by him through surgeries.  Ok, good that your ex crackhead girlfriend who cheated on you repeatedly was sincere.  

 That way you can keep your time and email boxes free (like you needed to last night) for your new guy.

That's what you really want right? Me out of your life forever so that you can be happy with the other guy. Do you tell him you want to marry him too?

        You have been taking a giant shit on me for days. You have tried to trap me into legal trouble even....WTF. Talk about foul.....that is way below the belt backstabbing. (Paranoid because he tried to manipulate me and say he couldn't drop my stuff off due to a license limitation legally.  So I said that I guess his license wasn't legal to allow him to drive over and scream at me on Saturday.  That caused him to lie in emails to me saying he didn't drive himself over here and that I was lying.  So untrue.  I saw him pull in the driveway.  Unless that car was Kit and Hasselhoff rented it out, he was alone)        

You are not a good woman at all.

Ms. Judgmental.

There are so many different, positive ways, that you could have approached about me not spending as much time with you – Hahahah…That was done.  There was just no follow through on his part. 

That's name calling and "abuse"? You will stoop to any kind of ridiculous twisting in order to play the victim.

You haven't been "disrespected".

YOU are not being disrespected.....

And there you have it.  What I feel is a typical list of things someone with PPD and NPD would say.  

Act Normal

As predicted, Sadness and Regret finally met up and gossiped at the bar.  They showed up here, next to my bedside this morning and waited patiently.  They waited for my normal dream with Flip in it, where the band As Was played silver paper.  But things were together.  He was in a room with a shut door and another person and I had asked, maidlike, if I could come in (I think I had a tray of tea or something).  He said they were going over Family Business.  I went in anyway, the door being unlocked.  Then the gift opening happened. 

I don't know why I am attempting to write at the moment.  The house needs so much...the broom is lonely.  The dishes are tired of sitting in their breakfast mess.  The piggies need attention and I need to spend money that I don't have on laundry before they start to culture. 

After staying awake for awhile, and remembering all these happy Self Happiness boosting statements and theories, such as Happiness is a Choice!, I thought to myself, it's too early to just Choose it.  Maybe it isn't, maybe I'm being a jerk to the new age community.  What I don't want to do is slug around slowly leaving trails of melancholy everywhere for life to slip and fall on. 

Flip of course has been calling over and over.  When will he get the hint that I won't pick up?  He is not a fair player on the phone and I'm done being abused and disrespected.  I sent that shit into a time capsule, due to land on the planet I'm So Done as soon as possible.

His emails have twisted my words well, and I'm sure I will take my rightful slot next to the others who's stories that I heard in the beginning made my mouth drop.  "Really???  How could she do that to you??"  Well, I'm wondering now how much of it was true.  How much was twisted fantasy.  Or are the stories true and these women broke off into their roles as cheaters because they weren't getting something from him that they needed?  I'll never know the answers to this theory and what's the point of knowing anyway.  I'm not crazy.  Well, I'm more mental than I was three years ago but I'm not that type of crazy.  I have been called names, told that I abandoned him (that is a major issue for the narcissist).  And my return arguments are futile....I believe he abandoned us and me during the relationship.  I just made it official. 

It's time to find the mojo to clean up and be joyful.  Although I will say that money does not buy happiness but it sure buys the hell out of not worrying about paying bills and getting food.  So right now I see with a bi-monthly check the holidays creeping up, the back to school items and a birthday that my daughter is obsessed with for a friend who never calls her.  Time to Happy Up!

Time to bust out my I'm Motivated persona!

My Name is Shades and I'm a Flipaholic

What could possibly be so awesome that you are doing sitting home all the time that you don't have any inclination to see your insignificant other?  Well there are a few answers here I'm sure you all have!  They may have something to do with good computer virus protection, crocheting or abusing the letter Zzzzzzzzzz.  Well I don't know exactly.  But the events of this day have me on an Emotion Watch.  That's just where you are waiting for the bus of emotions to come in that may be very different, although very appropriate to a certain situation. Right now I'm in Matter of Fact mode.  


Matter of Fact, there was some bad buzzing this morning on the phone with Flip and he decided to be disrespectful, allowing himself to launch off the podium over and over again, speaking over me, in fact, not letting me speak at all.  I remained quiet during his diatribes and then when I would speak, he kibashed it before it could leave zygote form.  So eventually I broke it off.  I've felt nearly no sadness all day although I know it's really just that Sadness hasn't gotten the memo yet.  Sadness is off visiting a boyfriend this weekend and I'm being babysat by Flatliner.  Nothing.  


I don't enjoy hanging out with Flatliner, even though you think this may be a good thing.  It only puts off the inevitable.  That the tide of Sadness will pull back abnormally, like a tsunami and then come gushing out to destroy the unaware.  


I've been brushing up on my studies of living with or being involved with a Narcissist.  I personally think it is important to note that you really need to live with one in order to get the total bang for your buck on mental and emotional abuse.  It's called Gaslighting.  No one can see it, you can't prove it and it doesn't happen with others around.  You don't even know what the fark is going on.  You think you're the crazy one.  They're so damn good at convincing you that it's you, it's always you. They can speak so logically, whipsmart on their feet, and you suddenly start experiencing a ton of self doubt where you never had any before.  You think your IQ went from reasonable to a slow crawl of Duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh.  It took me well over a year to even notice that possibly, this wasn't really my issue.  That these things weren't actually true.  The narcissist will work you over so well that you will doubt yourself immensely and believe that well, you must have said or done this or that or they wouldn't sound so sure about it.  Until you actually give yourself the heads up and start really training yourself to watch your train of thought and memorize what comes out of your mouth.  To keep a log of what was said and done.  And then you realize...right there!  Right there...there's the sleight of hand!  But even that isn't enough proof.  


It's been said that the person who falls in love with the narcissist has the same physiological and chemical bodily activity as a heroin addict.  That's how strong it is.  That many people who don't get out and eventually can't handle the World of Mental that this dynamic produces, will basically lose their mind and many commit suicide.  


You would think that because I moved out, I'd had an immunity shot.  Not so.  I still tried beyond what I wanted to years ago with him.  But tried because he had me convinced that I wasn't committed or dedicated and was nothing but a Runner.  He won for a long time.  


He hasn't tried to really spend time or effort on us in awhile.  Not a whole lot of in persons for two people who live seven minutes apart.  Not a whole lot of contact for two people who lived together.  I expressed what I needed.  It went duly noted but ignored anyway.  As soon as he heard the words of break up today, he suddenly called me over and over.  He suddenly could email. And suddenly I heard his car pull into my driveway, to which I locked the downstairs door, not giving him the chance to even get up the stairs to pound away at the door that was now the  only thing that would physically separate us.  I closed the windows and curtains as best as I could.  He shouted up to me on the front lawn.  Hey village!  I know this is really public but watch me have the crazies in front of everyone!  What he really said was something to the extent of WTF but I shouted down that he didn't want to talk to or see me before so forget it now.  


He shouted and yelled and eventually went away.  All day the blaming emails.  The low blows, the comments of my love being phony.  He's blown up my phone but I refuse to answer since as soon as he hears "hello" he will go off and not stop.  When he's done, I still won't be able to speak.  He's never enjoyed sharing the soapbox.


This is where it stands.  Emotion Watch.  And then should I not relapse again, the finding of pieces and rebuilding.  

I'd Help you out if I Didn't Believe the World is After Me

Welp.  I'm not having a bourbon or any other wonderful alcoholic beverage that keeps those newly acquired 'womanly' ten pounds on me.  So instead I must have some more of that banana blueberry bread that Teen-A-Ling and I made last night.  Did I use the words 'Kick' and 'Ass' at all?  Because I certainly should have.  

Suddenly with the flurry of words being typed, my protector, Azrael of Pawling, has decided to jump up on the arm of the chair and sniff around to be sure that no evil was afoot.  Or afont.  

The teen had her EEG head gear taken off this morning.  The ride there and back was probably about 50 minutes longer than the appointment itself. The woman removing the sexy headgear was rather perturbed with our lateness.  We were apparently not fashionable on her runway at all.  

So I've wasted a ton of time today thinking about Flip and all that goes with the last week, month, 10 hours....because I haven't heard from him since then.  

I caught myself ruminating and finding that I am annoyed to have spent this much thought on it.  When I ask for direct clarification something that I am feeling a bit insecure about and instead I receive a short dialog about managing my own feelings and that he will not answer those questions, then I feel as though perhaps I must be in the wrong Oz.  Because I would answer such questions. And I have answered the most ridiculous of questions for him in the last 3 years, right up to last week.  Suddenly, he appears to feel calm, enlightened and in control.  He turned it around on me instead.  Based on the last three years, I am familiar with this drill but always think it isn't happening again until later on when I can think about it more.

In fact, my being direct and stating exactly what I wanted to know, and even requested that if I am off please do tell me,  sent him into letting me know that I was treating him like sh!t.  Really?  How about letting me feel horrible and not sharing what's really going on?  Is that treating someone like sh!t or something slightly less harsh...fungus maybe.  That must be it because I'm being kept in the dark (hahahahah).  I am emotionally vulnerable and he does not respond in a way that I would think a lover would if they cared.  

I let him know that while it's nice that his friends think he is this 'good listener' and people think he has all this great 'insight' (told to me by Frankencomplex himself) and that he values being a help to others, but he is not bringing it home.  He isn't listening to my pain, he isn't trying to make it any better.  I know we are all responsible for our own icky, nasty, corners of the closet *stuff*.  But we open up our deepest darkest to our loved ones...or we should be able to.  Especially if it has something to do with them.  In the amount of time that I have been with him, he cannot hear anything that I am uncomfortable with that has to do with him directly.  Instead it turns into my own character flaw.  So again, while he is enjoying the new spurts of ego boosting from those who appreciate how he has insight or a kind word for them, the well for me to try and draw from is empty.  

There may be times that I think his *stuff* is based on non-reality from anything that I've done but I will answer or clarify the best that I can for him.  Because if I don't, he'll keep asking or he will email over and over and be sure to mention it in every correspondence.  And because sometimes really, it's just compassionate to answer because of all his suffering.  I guess he really does not have the same kind of compassion for me.  

So one of my friends mentioned that perhaps Flip is passive aggressive and urged me to look into it.  I did and while standing in that room of pathos, check out a door on another wall....Borderline Personality.  Eh...maybe.  How about Narcissist?  Oh definitely some traits there.  Wait.....Paranoid Personality....holy banana handles....I've struck oil!!!  How can I possibly get someone with this disorder to hear me?  And how is his therapist missing this?  I know that I'm a Google Therapist but either she isn't recognizing it or she is only working with what is presented to her.  She doesn't know anyone else's side of the story. 

So now that I've felt safe enough to get some of the good stuff from him, I'm back to square one.   Time to reset that Empty Aching bite all over again.  It's so backward that I can trust him with my body but not my emotions.  

I just flipped through channels to see what's on and found a repeat of the MTV Movie Awards.  The song that I avoid the most and have knee-jerk channel changing reactions to, was the live band playing.  Isn't there enough hate in the world?  I know many people love this song...that one by FUN - "Set the World on Fire" I think.  Well I hate it and wish that it would invert itself out of this galaxy.  

Earlier I had on some cooking show...which I adore watching.  Unless they are dicing up animals.  So those bastage barbarians were just throwing mussels on the fire, or pulling the hook out of the fish's mouth so that it only had to contend with dying and not pain in the mouth plus dying.  

That's most of the world, I know, but then again, I love humanity but many times am annoyed by the individual drops in the ocean.