Another beautiful day, working from home. The bird feeder is rather low and I suspect that their faith in us will only go so far, until we refill it. Either that or else I'm going to open the door after hearing a faint knock and will find a flapping friend with a vendetta in my face stressing a strong hint.

As I work I enjoy checking out NPR or the New York Times podcasts. I find this time to be an excellent avenue to learn. I also get to choose what I'm going to hear instead of having the constrant scroll of doom being stuffed down my throat. Do I want to remain oblivious to the world's not so stellar moments of human fallabilities? Not so much. For me its similar to animal slaughter. I know it exists, I won't try and paint rainbows and robotic smiley faces over it but I don't need to navigate my way into the middle of it and make it my mind's soundtrack. We do need much positive energy to make this planet an even better place and while it is imperative to drop any sense aloofness to the plight of others, we aren't going to change things from a low level.

NPR also has a fabulous page for new music. This morning I have been enthralled with a new jazz find. It's jazz, yeeeeahhhh......BUT it sounds like a sensual sashay into an exotic moment. It is a strong Being on the opposite side of the room with a penetrating gaze that locks into you and the rest of the room disappears as it moves closer, all intentions to move into and inebriate you. Head here and play El Gaucho Rojo.

Step dog, aka Moaning Myrtle (its a male but anyone should be honored to have a Harry Potter reference bestowed upon them) is subtle this morning. Happy to laze on the loveseat, time punctuated by a drop by from our common love, his daddy, mi amore. At times he tries to fit himself in my tiny lap and like an odd couple with much fondness for each other, we just can't make it right and have to give in to the inflexibility of our forms. He hops back down, we are lightly sorry, but not offended. It just isn't going to happen today.

Work is good today, as it is most days, with the threat of my common sense and rational getting love blind from moment to moment. My mistakes are plain silly when they happen and are probably due to my obsessive Scorpio nature to dive deep into my heart and allow the exchange that exists between mi amore and I to swirl around and engulf me completely. It's the kind that makes you miss your turn while driving, or to not hear someone call your name. The kind that causes you to apologize to your workmates and whine that falling in love is difficult to balance with mundane chores. We should all be so happy to daydream about our actual reality and hope for an understanding smile when we misplace our sense of detail due to such escapades.

Cheers for a wonderful weekend to all!

Autumn Breeze

The sky is gray, arm in arm with the cool but mild breeze today. The end of September is blossoming into the infancy of autumn, gentle and sensual. Slow. Affectionate, like a lover with no time constraints.

I realize that everything I love to surround myself with is in my life. Rows of strong, silent but powerful trees. A garden that nourishes us. Happy animals. A large yard and then some. The best damn coffee I've ever had right down the road. Opportunities for Humanling to be a kid. A mate who is everything I could possibly want - we share so much, we exchange stories, favorite shows, ideas, future dreams. We strive for the health that will take us together into spider veins, shuffling feet and long walks with hands entwined. He strives to help me parent Humanling, for us to make a home together (currently we are in a structure with a small floor path in between boxes of my stuff and some of his dusty and stagnant things). We agree that we are a unit so that Humanling sees us as such and not as Mom and her boyfriend.

He brings home flowers often. He shows me the joy of a good wine. And an even better scotch.

Humanling now sits down to a family dinner more often than not. A severe difference from the single mommy style of me putting food in front of her and me running back into the kitchen to prepare the next day's lunches or start the dishes. We have slowed down in that respect, and sit together as a family. Something she and I have not had much experience with.

We went to Humanling's Open House at her school last night. The arrangement was such that we were to follow her schedule and sit in each classroom (7 of them) to hear each teacher's mission and ask questions, time permitting.

I'd look at him, sitting there at these middle school desks, me next to him. In the Science Lab, we were side by side and it reminded me of when we met in middle school ourselves. Only we didn't have any classes together. This time I could look over at him, how handsome he is, and my heart would explode every time he looked over at me and smiled. Or gently took my hand under the table. He asked questions in some rooms, showing care for Humanling's schooling and to help understand what our roles are in helping to shape her educational world. (Turns out, we are nearly to be full time academic teachers!)

How different it was, this time around, being in middle school with him. As kids we'd meet up in the hall only to skip class. A lot. Now we are being responsible parents, sharing sweet memories of our own middle school experience.

He wants to be the male guardian that Humanling has never had. And the best one at that. Knowing his Aries tendencies, he is not even going to have to try. He just will be.

I am freeze framing this moment so that I can always know how good life is. I work from home at least two days a week regularly. My office schedule is well timed, as is Humanling's school arrangements. He is beyond funny and intelligent. His wit leaves me breathless. Just a few of my favorite things.

I sit at night by the fireplace, cozied up on the loveseat with the man of my dreams, the first boy I ever shared a kiss filled with desire, more than a mere peck but a surge of our hormonal experimentation together. He has on his news shows, I might watch, moreso listen to what he comments on it, share a thought or two and have a book in my hand, while also being connected to him. We have a slow drink, or not. We fall asleep until one of us wakes up and leads the other to bed. This is what love feels like to me. Wanting only to expand on the goodness and open heartedness of what is already there.

Wind and Wooing

Some rain, a lens of gray and Pooh Bear. It's a blustery day here on the mountain. Or what a small city girl like me would call a seven minute drive up a hill. It's gorgeous out today, with the wind holding high court, the sparrows all hard core, still at the feeder that sways lightly.

This is my first day home without Humanling, as she is in school, and my Grádhán, who is at work right now. (Grádhán being Gaelic for Beloved).

Yesterday my honey and I had the day off together, our first real stretch of time alone for awhile. And we spent the day in as many luxuries as we could possibly cram into a work day! Although it's only September, we are regularly tending the fireplace now, as we surprisingly have been since late August. My mom claims the weather is going to be really warm the next few days, which would most likely make mon aimee very happy since he will want the car top down.

I on the other hand, really do enjoy slightly cooler weather. Step dog gets his walk from me at high noon as long as my blood is not boiling up against my pores. Otherwise he gets the "Hurry up and do your business" look until his daddy comes home and puts the sweat in.

Last night I felt the most amazing feeling of perfection. Mon aimee sat on the (not so) far end of the loveseat with his back against the arm. I sat opposite him, both of us, legs stretched out, surrounding each other. The fireplace was going close by, the wine was wonderful as he read his paper, and me, a book by Jim Fargiano, who will be my guest on the show this week.

I am still in awe as to how life can change and take you where you never even thought about going. Sometimes you just can't be afraid to take that ticket when its offered to you.

As I've said before, I couldn't have seen what the end of the summer would bring months ago. And if you told me, I still wouldn't have believed it.

Humanling and I resided on a main road...THE main road of a small and fanatical about itself town. We love the town too. I thoroughly felt that we belonged in our apartment, situated right where we were. It was us, we were a part of it. It served me very well. When my ex, the Turd Blossom, left us in a house we'd aquired merely months beforehand, eventually my little apartment in the center of town would be our healing den.

Of course we were also breathing in maybe God doesn't even know what - directly next door and also across the street were gas stations. A corvette fix it shop was attached to the back of our building, as was a printing place where if you walked in, your stomach would react as if you downed a bottle of Everclear. (Not that I would know - especially when I was 20 years old!) Humanling's very first grand event of seizure activity occured merely months after moving into this apartment. Epilepsy doesn't have alibi's on its side, but it does have enough vague components in its web to be innocent enough until proven guilty. It could have been the environment. Or the food sensitivities that I was so lax on keeping the electric fence juiced for. Whatever it was I'm not going to know.

I've learned a lot about doctors as well in this time. Many of them are wonderful and have the knowledge that we need to stay well or start our journey back to health. However, some will strong arm and dismiss you like the gunk that sticks to the drain stem when you pull it up to clean it.

After discussing what I thought was good progress with Humanling's neurologist, the doctor basically made me feel like what I'd done was gas the house in my sleep and then called for help and deemed myself a hero. She only sees my Ling for an hour or two a year and then wipes my theories and observations off her shoulder. The last time I left there, I made sure to get enough refills for her prescription and am winging the rest. I've wanted to wean Humanling off one of her two medications that she takes daily. I'd love for her to be off both of them but patience....one thing at a time. In talking with our holistic chiropractor and homeopath as well, I've learned things about Humanling's medications that the neuro didn't think to tell me years ago, as Humanling has been on these meds twice a day for more than half of her life (she had started out with petit mal seizures as a wee one).

For one, her calcium is leeched out on a high level. I never knew I'd have to especially monitor this. When one part of the body is out of balance, the house of cards starts to shift and then crumble.

For two, both meds come with the possible risk of suicide. With my already sensitive to the world child hurtling toward pre-adolescence, I don't want to have to worry about the added kick in the ass to set her off on self destruction.

So I decided to start weaning her off one of the meds...the Zarontin, which I was told wasn't really helping her seizures anymore - its really for the petit mals, which we don't see much at all. I was told by the holistic chiropractor that this med in particular doesn't court the liver very well.

It took all summer, but we are down to the very last part of the wean. My girl will be off the Zarontin in a week. She has not had any seizures and has not exhibited any negative effects, with the exception of some irritation and aggravation, which will occur within days whenever a dose is increased or decreased.

I am not impressed with her neuro's attitude that environment nor food has any play in what happens to the brain. I am not blown away by the Raise the Meds and Mix in Some More until we show 100% no seizures attitude. Sure, drug her up, she won't have quality of life, but she won't seize, right?

This is strictly for my daughter. I know other people have it different and have to have many meds to control their seizures, so I'm not knocking what others have to do. I do however, believe in my intuition and don't believe that I am sheeple enough to follow orders that don't feel right to me.

I will probably have to leave this neurologist because she will more than likely have a tribal ceremony to hack off my head and feed my rebellious brains to the rats who are being drugged in trials and are having suicidal thoughts of hanging themselves by the tail from the top of the lab cage. I know I will receive a derogatory report in bold letters that tell me basically Who do I Think I am, with no experience or degree or white coat and taking matters into my own hands.

Oh well.

I don't have all the answers but I do feel this was the right move. And if it isn't, then I will humbly start putting her back on. But I won't know if I was right if I do nothing except move along, chewing my cud. Baaaaaaaaaa.

The tornado that predictably shows up in my life from time to time was completely inconspicuous and off the radar at the start of this summer. I am with the first boy who shared a first kiss and hours of teenage curiosity with me. What kind of crazy world is it to lose track of someone for 25 years and then run into them, with all components ready to turn the gears into its right action? It's beautiful, poetic and awe inspiring for me, on a daily basis. We immediately both felt the same intensity and now, 2 months later, are sharing a home together with all our animals - canine, feline, rodent, crustacean and human. He's such an amazing person to open his heart and home to follow what we are both feeling, even if others think we are nuts.

We live with nothing but greenery around us....plenty of carless, peopleless space for my stepdog Ziggy and my Terror of a Feline, Azrael, to run outside without event. My Humanling is nowhere near industry and has learned those childhood things that I was lucky to have but that have nearly stepped over kids these days. Catching toads, snipping dinner out of the garden, going outside into the yard without a parent looming to watch for predators. Humanling does not want to miss one garden trip, or stroll with the dog in the fields out back. She's even tried to climb a tree. I am relishing that my daughter is being handed down human experience instead of just stories.

Speaking of human experience, I have a couple of cages to clean out for my Kebobs (the guinea pigs). The crustaceans could use new digs today too. And later on, I will be making a scrumptous chick pea salad to bring to my most wonderful Honey's family get together.

I go to bed at night, my head on my beautiful man's shoulder, and feel like there is nothing in the world that could be more perfect.

Catching a breath....

47 - a number that I never really gave thought to at this time of year. I'm basically right next to CT still, but have moved a few steps up the mountain into NY state. It's 47 degrees out and according to http://www.weather.com/, as a bonus, the degree unit is degrading in value since it only feels like 45 degrees. Granted, it's still 7:24am, but the weather has been really wearing that sockhat with the stripes and Goodwill jewelry. Wacky wacky weather!



Personally I enjoy weird weather. Maybe its the 2012 thing. Maybe its atomospheric drama. Or simply that I am not a good candidate for patience, beauty and healthy communication during hot weather.



Today is my first born's birthday, Miz Eye. I'm working from home, streaming NPR, half listening to Tom's trademark tongueroll when the windowsill slams down on his neck (I introduced Humanling to Tom and Jerry early on!) and thinking about how time flies. Miz Eye is 22 today, I am 39.



All parents know that kids change your life but that first born is the major elevator drop of consciousness. WHOMP! And the descent into this underground, yet rooted world of love and expansion now hands you your membership card. My girl was the very first person I fell in love with, unconditionally pure.



I was seventeen when she was born and lucky for me had graduated with my class on that stuffy and hot field in June 1987. Only I knew that I wasn't being handed that mysterious rolled up scroll in order to baton it to college that fall. Instead, I gave birth on the first day back to school for our city and had a room full of students visiting that night to see my new being.




As for this strange weather we are having here this summer, file this next one under Build a Fire in August! We really lit the fireplace but in my head I like to pretend that we simply built a campfire indoors. Humanling has been Law of Attractioning a fireplace for eons now and I did tell her that someday maybe we'd have one. I have to say that I think we LOA'd this situation and didn't realize it at the time. Certain things I'd envisioned in my head are exactly what our new life holds. Without me thinking about location or with who, here it is.




While it sounds callous in a sense to speak of the new without publicly mourning the old, we are very happy. I will say though, that I do feel bad for how things went down with El. Things should have never gotten so far and I made a irrevocable mistake. Any scar that I was trying to heal with him, I've deepened more than I ever could previously.


I thought by this age I wouldn't be hurting people anymore. That I would be honest and know what I want. And I thought I did with El. I wasn't passionate enough about it but it made sense and I really wanted to fix the past. Sometimes it's best to walk away. That situation is one of those slippery slopes to hell greased with all of my good intentions.



My life is so different now. I feel those things for someone that I should feel if I'm going to be in a committed relationship. I want to come home to this person, wake up in the middle of the night and find his arm around me, be inspired to bring him home surprises and feel like a princess whenever he does the same.


And the number one thing for me is that I actually want to be around someone this much. I haven't felt that in years. I had no idea that I actually wanted to be around someone in a 'normal' relationship scenario! I had been spending my time chess moving people and time in a way that kept things brief. I'm re-learning how to merge my own interests and time with another.

I started this post a couple of days ago. I am amused this morning by a text message from Miz Eye, who celebrated her birthday a couple of nights ago. She simply wanted to relay to me that I was right - Everclear is a horrible accessory to a hangover (Moms are right for a reason, kid! You might want to remember that I was 22 for 365 days!)

In gearing up to get Humanling back to school, and a new school district in a new state at that, I am working from home since this town does not shove their kids into school before September. I feel like the last 2 months have been brain draining and that any wit I may have leased has been revoked. Between falling in love and spending those late night hours talking and getting to know each other as adults (as opposed to those juvenille delinquents we became together) and then acting on the decision to live together, we feel as though we are finally able to start to get our bearings again once everything is in its place. If I had any intelligence, it definitely hopped a horse down the road and is Wild Firing its way into undetectable, winding paths. But at the end of the day, the fire is roaring in the fireplace, Humanling has breathed in clean air and more than likely eaten from the garden, while I am happy to have that perfect contact, when my honey puts his arms around me full frontal so I can feel his heart beating.

Wow, that's so Hallmark. Ewwwwww. How embarrassing. And humbling.

The eclipses bulldozed whatever foundation I thought that I had this summer and forced me into cleaning house once and for all. Sudden, unforeseen changes. I couldn't have guessed any of this ahead of time. But every day I am thrilled to be happier and happier.

Some popcorn with this feature?

Holy Time Freeze Crapman! Time has flown! And I haven't known how to start the next post.


There must be something about my astrological chart that spells SUDDEN CHANGE periodically. This blog is named for this very tornado that swoops through and sloughs off my old life and deposits me in new and enchanting situations. Ok, maybe not always enchanting but life is never boring. I'm lucky that I know how to spell "bored".


In a nutshell ~


~ I did not get married as planned in July



~ I am no longer in that relationship



~ I am in the process of moving into NY state from CT.



Things with El could have been nice most likely. The wrecking ball blast was once again, all my doing. He is a great guy, has a lot of qualities that any sane woman would love. However, every single time we've broken up, it's due to me somehow feeling like I needed space. I haven't had this issue with other people so it perplexes me.



When we decided to get married, I still felt we needed to live separately.



Knock Knock!

Who's There?

Red Flag!

Red Flag Who?

Run dummy! It's a freakin' red flag!!!! Why are you still standing there planning a wedding?



He went along with whatever I had wanted and I honestly thought we were just being unconventional. What I found crazy was that I have lived with people and not felt cramped or smothered but with him in NYC and me in CT, I still felt that just the every other weekend was too much. I guess it was our energy together somehow.



What did happen though to be honest, to push my decision into action mode, was that I was out at my usual health food haunt and heard my name. I looked a handsome man in the eyes trying to place him, wondering what the connection was and if I should feel awkward (hey I did live a number of moments through my 20s!). He was someone that I hadn't seen in nearly 25 years. We were each other's first kiss when we were 13. We used to skip school constantly and check into a barn, movie theater or elevator (and hit the stop button, then the lights) and make out.



He asked if I was married. I said I'd been married twice and was supposed to be married soon. He repeated to me later on what I didn't remember saying but what he picked up on - I said I was "supposed to" get married, not "I'm getting married".

I couldn't walk away from that conversation without contacting him again. There was an immediate and magnetic pull toward him that I couldn't figure out. Why was this happening if I was supposed to be getting married?

I was overcome with the feeling that I Had No Choice. That I couldn't not see or speak to this person again in a way that was way more than a casual How YOU doin? When we left the store, contact info in hand, we spoke a few minutes longer and we met his dog until the rain started to close the curtain on the momentary reunion. I ran to the car with Humanling and as soon as we got in, huffing and laughing, she blurted out, "I really like that guy." A really odd thing for her to say. She usually does not say anything like that. My heart sunk further. "Supposed" to get married, I feel a tremendous pull toward this person and now my daughter has to further complicate things by offering up her pure assessment, which happens Never.

I left that parking lot with a shot of adrenaline and a smile that encompassed my entire being.

Now being nearly 40, and being me in general, I don't adhere to Contact Timeline Rules. If I want something, then I want it and I'll go on my own timeline. I emailed him that afternoon to say hi and he returned it in the same day. We reminesced a small amount but the main idea was to do it in person. He had a surgery scheduled about five days after I ran into him so we'd have to wait at least a week.

It was a really long week. Time dragged between emails. That super obsessive addiction kicked in of needing to hear from him. The day came, the drive to him was intense and I felt like I was driving to something bigger than I could realize.

A month and a half later, we are living together with five furry beings (my cats, guinea pigs and his dog) and the five crustaceans. Humanling loves it here. It's about 40 minutes from where we were living and is basically at the top of what us city dwellers think is a mountain. There are horses and cows and open space everywhere. What I don't see or miss are the two gas stations, dry cleaners, printers or corvette fix it shop all either attached to or immediately surrounding our home.

Sure I can't nearly reach my arm outside the living room window for a cup of coffee anymore. I don't have the boys across the street at the auto place who ride that silly ATV thingy (girlspeak) for a half hour back and forth on the sidewalk pretending they are riding it in the field with wild abandon. It reminds me of the baby monkey in the cage that cuddles up with the wire mamma. They take what they can get. But they were helpful when my car battery needed changing and told me to just swing on over after I'd had breakfast so that I could pay. No hurry.

There were many awesome things about that place. It's my first space after my divorce that was totally for me and Humanling. I healed very nicely there and became who I am now, the person who is ready for the relationship that is calling me with a megaphone and gong. The history that we share is endearing and the path we've stepped on together is inevitable and magnetic. I thought I was a person who never wanted to spend too much time in one sitting with someone. I thought I was the person who needed very little physical time together, an air of aloofness, like a cat. I've found out that I'm completely the opposite in this situation. I can't wait to be with him at the end of the day. I don't roll over in bed to get space. I don't try to slither out of bed after 'activities' in order to get away and be alone. I fold into him, tucking myself wherever I fit and have found that there's no effort....we flow and fit as naturally as the passage of breath.

I never thought I would be that person.

Which is why I told El that we would be living apart until we felt the need to do otherwise. I couldn't sleep next to him for a few reasons.

I know I am quite the candidate to be charged with a villianous act in hurting someone...the same someone that I hurt over and over again. I was never looking for something "better" and in truth, wasn't looking for anything at all. I would have gone through with the wedding as far as I can tell, except that I ran into the most unexpected person in the world, now the only person I can think of in my expansive and cluttered imagination, who could have possibly caused me to change my world in a matter of moments.

When he asked us to move in, it felt like the natural next step and on the timeline that it happened. At the moment our home is cluttered with furniture and boxes, with currently uncharted destinations. I'm all good with that though. It doesn't matter what our schedules are, when someone is doing something that doesn't involve the other one, if someone wants to be a newshound and watch tv (hint: not me). We are in each other's presence...exactly where it feels right.

What color is your Whine?

I was on the phone with my mom, going over the latest news....the celebrity deaths this week of Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett, as well as the newest friend findings on Facebook. I was trying to do something nice and maybe pick her up a bottle of wine as a little gift, just because. Or maybe for a future Sitting the Humanling favor. In gaging what she drinks, (lately I'm sure it is boxed white zinfindel), I asked her what color it was.

Me: What color is it?

Mom: I don't know. You think I would know from having it all the time.

Me: Well, is it pink?

Mom: The color pink?

{Silence}

Me: No. The number pink.


Just one of those ha ha mom moments. The woman who allowed me to watch the Excorcist when I was nine. Kids these days laugh at that movie like we laugh at the old Godzillas. Personally, I am spooked beyond the capacity of the strength of my heart at that movie. I can't even watch a commercial for it. All of my worst nightmares bear the mark of the unseen supernatural, maybe right behind a curtain so that the curtain gives it form, such as a hand thrusting out to grab me, when when the curtain is moved.....nothing is there.

On another note, I am not against people expressing their opinions. However, when it is just in mean spirit, it really isn't becoming. There have been some incredibly tasteless statements this week regarding the recent deaths. I'm all for dark humour...and there are ways of doing it. But severely kicking a person when they're gone (or as someone else pointed out, and they're right - alive) seems completely unnecessary. Whatever Michael Jackson may have done while alive, he has met his maker, its between them. When someone can show me the manual that we received on being perfect, sin-free humans, then we'll PDF it and pass it around. We'll create a Facebook group "Now You Have No Excuse". I don't condone anything that Michael was accused of at all and yeah, I wouldn't leave my child with a suspected child molester...I'd err on the side of caution but then again, I wouldn't leave my daughter with ANY male alone with a small number of exceptions. Not until she learns Tae Kwon Do and has an error rate of zero when kicking a target.

I highly doubt that anyone who reads this blog is a mean spirited person. I "know" some of you and you guys are just wonderful.

Well, as Saturday morning calls, it is time to clean and get the EPA off my back since one of the cats bombed the box again and the air is inhospitable in here.

A beautiful day to everyone!