Welp. I'm not having a bourbon or any other wonderful alcoholic beverage that keeps those newly acquired 'womanly' ten pounds on me. So instead I must have some more of that banana blueberry bread that Teen-A-Ling and I made last night. Did I use the words 'Kick' and 'Ass' at all? Because I certainly should have.
Suddenly with the flurry of words being typed, my protector, Azrael of Pawling, has decided to jump up on the arm of the chair and sniff around to be sure that no evil was afoot. Or afont.
The teen had her EEG head gear taken off this morning. The ride there and back was probably about 50 minutes longer than the appointment itself. The woman removing the sexy headgear was rather perturbed with our lateness. We were apparently not fashionable on her runway at all.
So I've wasted a ton of time today thinking about Flip and all that goes with the last week, month, 10 hours....because I haven't heard from him since then.
I caught myself ruminating and finding that I am annoyed to have spent this much thought on it. When I ask for direct clarification something that I am feeling a bit insecure about and instead I receive a short dialog about managing my own feelings and that he will not answer those questions, then I feel as though perhaps I must be in the wrong Oz. Because I would answer such questions. And I have answered the most ridiculous of questions for him in the last 3 years, right up to last week. Suddenly, he appears to feel calm, enlightened and in control. He turned it around on me instead. Based on the last three years, I am familiar with this drill but always think it isn't happening again until later on when I can think about it more.
In fact, my being direct and stating exactly what I wanted to know, and even requested that if I am off please do tell me, sent him into letting me know that I was treating him like sh!t. Really? How about letting me feel horrible and not sharing what's really going on? Is that treating someone like sh!t or something slightly less harsh...fungus maybe. That must be it because I'm being kept in the dark (hahahahah). I am emotionally vulnerable and he does not respond in a way that I would think a lover would if they cared.
I let him know that while it's nice that his friends think he is this 'good listener' and people think he has all this great 'insight' (told to me by Frankencomplex himself) and that he values being a help to others, but he is not bringing it home. He isn't listening to my pain, he isn't trying to make it any better. I know we are all responsible for our own icky, nasty, corners of the closet *stuff*. But we open up our deepest darkest to our loved ones...or we should be able to. Especially if it has something to do with them. In the amount of time that I have been with him, he cannot hear anything that I am uncomfortable with that has to do with him directly. Instead it turns into my own character flaw. So again, while he is enjoying the new spurts of ego boosting from those who appreciate how he has insight or a kind word for them, the well for me to try and draw from is empty.
There may be times that I think his *stuff* is based on non-reality from anything that I've done but I will answer or clarify the best that I can for him. Because if I don't, he'll keep asking or he will email over and over and be sure to mention it in every correspondence. And because sometimes really, it's just compassionate to answer because of all his suffering. I guess he really does not have the same kind of compassion for me.
So one of my friends mentioned that perhaps Flip is passive aggressive and urged me to look into it. I did and while standing in that room of pathos, check out a door on another wall....Borderline Personality. Eh...maybe. How about Narcissist? Oh definitely some traits there. Wait.....Paranoid Personality....holy banana handles....I've struck oil!!! How can I possibly get someone with this disorder to hear me? And how is his therapist missing this? I know that I'm a Google Therapist but either she isn't recognizing it or she is only working with what is presented to her. She doesn't know anyone else's side of the story.
So now that I've felt safe enough to get some of the good stuff from him, I'm back to square one. Time to reset that Empty Aching bite all over again. It's so backward that I can trust him with my body but not my emotions.
I just flipped through channels to see what's on and found a repeat of the MTV Movie Awards. The song that I avoid the most and have knee-jerk channel changing reactions to, was the live band playing. Isn't there enough hate in the world? I know many people love this song...that one by FUN - "Set the World on Fire" I think. Well I hate it and wish that it would invert itself out of this galaxy.
Earlier I had on some cooking show...which I adore watching. Unless they are dicing up animals. So those bastage barbarians were just throwing mussels on the fire, or pulling the hook out of the fish's mouth so that it only had to contend with dying and not pain in the mouth plus dying.
That's most of the world, I know, but then again, I love humanity but many times am annoyed by the individual drops in the ocean.
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