Well. I'd have a bourbon tonight but I went to my very first AA meeting last night in support of someone else. Actually, I'm joking about not having the bourbon. I haven't poured it yet though. I'm actually not even sure that I want it. I maybe would like one of those delicious cookies in the Pepperidge Farms bag that's hiding from the Ling, on the top shelf in the cabinet.
A pause has been taken, the cookies and last of the booze snuggling with three ice cubes in my glass. It's been sitting there nearly a full ten minutes without further attention given. The Big Bang Theory is on so therefore my brain has not thought of a thing to write while indulging in such goodness.
.....so as I write this now it is a day later. Bourbon and cookies happened yesterday indeed. Ok, CookIE. Singular. I'm pretty good with keeping the sweets tame.
I was offered an olive branch in the form of a bagel with cream cheese from a local bakery. On Saturday morning, the man that I hate and love at any given moment, stopped by with goodies for me and the Ling. As any of you who have been in love know, when you haven't visited the playground of your object d'sire in a while, it doesn't take much to crush your resolve like the thin ice that shows up on the tops of puddles. We hugged. I was done right there. The hug involves not some platonic pat on the back or hands that don't move. Those were roaming hands....big, capable, wonderful hands roaming all over my back, shoulders, lower back....did I mention how done I was at this point. I heard myself ask if I might see him that day. So within hours, I walked into the house we used to share, wearing something date-like. I don't care that he's seen me in sweats and nearly looking like Miss Ewww of the Month on my work from home days. I wasn't sure what to expect after clearing through all the shrapnel of emails in the last few weeks stating that anything carnal was pretty much off limits. To which I was determined not to bother showing any interest. Until the bagels and porn hug showed up.
What can I say. I'm weak. And no longer on a three week plus streak of nothing. But that man can take me down without having to use much strength. And it was his idea.
It makes me ponder more on the subject of actual chemistry between two people. Not the romantic notion of chemistry, but the thing that interacts and dances on an ascension until it can be satisfied. I can't say that I've had it like this before and I cannot say that I've suffered in the hands of intimacy throughout my life. Suffered Much. But this is different. This is a different animal...a higher plane where I can't ignore the magnetism, even when I'm angry. Where not having him for more than 2 or 3 days starts to bring my mood down. Going as long as we did during the last drought brought me to a depression. It is a big way that I communicate. I'm not wonderful with saying the words sometimes. But if I feel it, then I can put words to shame with a touch.
I'm convinced that if we never had to talk, we'd be a pretty harmonious and well taken care of couple.
I was once married to a guy who read into everything that was said. We'd go over things and over things and it was just to a point of insanity. He had issues with everything that was said. So one day I came up with an idea, an experiment. Let's not speak for one whole hour. We can write things down or communicate however, but no talking. We ended up naked, then at a bookstore browsing. When the hour was up, he requested one more hour. It was amazing. Unfortunately, you can't go through life not speaking. So we divorced.
But now again, whether it works or doesn't, and with new issues we have to face, he's reeled me back in just enough to ache in between the spaces that I don't see him. Will that last? Knowing our track record, I'll be pissed off by midnight tonight and will want to delete this post. For now though, my body is flooded with happy feelings and the memory of the gush of butterflies when he took my hand tonight and brought it to his lips. 50 Shades of Shit....I'm happy for now.
I was offered an olive branch in the form of a bagel with cream cheese from a local bakery. On Saturday morning, the man that I hate and love at any given moment, stopped by with goodies for me and the Ling. As any of you who have been in love know, when you haven't visited the playground of your object d'sire in a while, it doesn't take much to crush your resolve like the thin ice that shows up on the tops of puddles. We hugged. I was done right there. The hug involves not some platonic pat on the back or hands that don't move. Those were roaming hands....big, capable, wonderful hands roaming all over my back, shoulders, lower back....did I mention how done I was at this point. I heard myself ask if I might see him that day. So within hours, I walked into the house we used to share, wearing something date-like. I don't care that he's seen me in sweats and nearly looking like Miss Ewww of the Month on my work from home days. I wasn't sure what to expect after clearing through all the shrapnel of emails in the last few weeks stating that anything carnal was pretty much off limits. To which I was determined not to bother showing any interest. Until the bagels and porn hug showed up.
What can I say. I'm weak. And no longer on a three week plus streak of nothing. But that man can take me down without having to use much strength. And it was his idea.
It makes me ponder more on the subject of actual chemistry between two people. Not the romantic notion of chemistry, but the thing that interacts and dances on an ascension until it can be satisfied. I can't say that I've had it like this before and I cannot say that I've suffered in the hands of intimacy throughout my life. Suffered Much. But this is different. This is a different animal...a higher plane where I can't ignore the magnetism, even when I'm angry. Where not having him for more than 2 or 3 days starts to bring my mood down. Going as long as we did during the last drought brought me to a depression. It is a big way that I communicate. I'm not wonderful with saying the words sometimes. But if I feel it, then I can put words to shame with a touch.
I'm convinced that if we never had to talk, we'd be a pretty harmonious and well taken care of couple.
I was once married to a guy who read into everything that was said. We'd go over things and over things and it was just to a point of insanity. He had issues with everything that was said. So one day I came up with an idea, an experiment. Let's not speak for one whole hour. We can write things down or communicate however, but no talking. We ended up naked, then at a bookstore browsing. When the hour was up, he requested one more hour. It was amazing. Unfortunately, you can't go through life not speaking. So we divorced.
But now again, whether it works or doesn't, and with new issues we have to face, he's reeled me back in just enough to ache in between the spaces that I don't see him. Will that last? Knowing our track record, I'll be pissed off by midnight tonight and will want to delete this post. For now though, my body is flooded with happy feelings and the memory of the gush of butterflies when he took my hand tonight and brought it to his lips. 50 Shades of Shit....I'm happy for now.
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