The Dark Side of A Projected Gemini Influence

It's a work day!  And I'm sitting on the porch, sun glaring off the screen, making it multi-functional.  I can see how my hair looks against it.  I took the day off since I knew I would be home late last night from my wonderful event in the city.  

I'm wondering if there was some sort of Gemini something in the astrological dice yesterday.  A duality.  I had what was a great time and one of the absolute worst times lately.  

The book I had ordered from the Strand had not yet arrived and the author event was upon me! So I called them and come to find out, they just hand me the book when I get there.  Whoo hoo!  I didn't know this well enough in advance so I had emailed Flip.  I remembered that I saw one of my books there, Door Wide Open by Joyce Johnson, still on a shelf.  I emailed him a simple email to ask if it was there and if he would please put it in his mailbox for me to pick up.  Did I use the word simple?  Yes, for me it was.  He couldn't answer simply.  He had to say that I had a few books there still and would I need a hazmat bag so that I don't catch his cooties.  We are 42, folks. Both of us.  Just saying.

I replied without any notice to the cooties.  Asked if he could put them in a bag and put them at the end of the driveway and that I had 2 small books of his that I could put in the mailbox or in the spot where he leaves my books.  He couldn't just give me a nice answer.  Instead he emailed with the same basic speech he's been sending me for over a month I think.  He's been going off every single day, whether I address it or not.  I've told him that I'm not doing this anymore.  What is he gaining by emailing me this stuff day after day?  It's more that he is forcing his perspective on me constantly, as if one day I'll say, "Huh.  You were right.  I do see it that way now.  I so DID 'fuck and chuck' you, just as you said I did!  Amazing!  Gee, I'm sorry."  

The back-story on that being that yes we had a physical reunion about a month ago, maybe longer, at my suggestion.  I've written about it.  His ex who appears only when I'm gone calling while I was on the phone with him and he trying to brush it under the rug, then telling me when I called him on it that they call each other in hard times.  Meanwhile, during my relationship with him, had I discussed our relationship with my exes, he would have flipped out and figured out a way to make me feel like I'd done wrong.  Three years of conditioning by him and he rewrites every rule he's inflicted on me.  If I were to rewrite it, I'd be effed.  If he does it, I'm still effed.  So whatever. 

So instead of doing this nice and easy, I receive emails that I am a pig.  That I don't deserve respect.  Are you tired of this? Do you think you've heard this before if you normally follow this blog?  Well you have.  Pretty much all the time.  Because he keeps going.  The batteries do not die with this one.

I'll be honest...I'm not with anyone.  I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not priming anyone to be my boyfriend and I'm not speaking with any dudes who could turn into one.  I don't even feel that I'd be ready to inflict myself on another person.  I need a little time to be normal again.  I had emailed him numerous times asking him where my books would be.  I didn't tell him that I had an event, I just figured I could ask for my things and since he isn't put out by driving them anywhere, he could handle the task.  Oh Gods of Assumption, why do I pray to thee?  He sent back all of my emails at this point writing simply 'Unread'.  So I put in the subject line, "books, end of driveway please".  I know even if he isn't opening them, he can't miss that.

I showed up...no books at the end of the driveway.  Sigh.  Drive down the long driveway and then I start beeping the horn. Eventually I get out to knock.  I can hear him before I can see him and hear the word 'obnoxious'.  Then he opens the door, his mouth already going, him telling me something like, "You look good.  Too bad....blah blah blah blah" (something along the lines of an insult) and I don't hear the rest.  I'm busy tossing his two neatly wrapped up books into his chest.  He is still going on.  It goes ugly.  FFFFFFuuuuuuugly.  And this time I am not proud that I've even stooped to looking the slightest bit annoyed.  I certainly acted it.  And it wasn't right. I was so fed up from all the accusatory emails, the name calling, the lack of respect and while I am still paying for his health insurance.  I am fed up for paying off his jeep, for paying for his trip to the wedding this summer, for running to his side if he needed me, while I was ignored much of the time.  Fed up for the years of repression, wild assumptions and mean things he has said to my daughter.  Fed up for every good intention being turned into a violation  or expectation.  I spit at him.  I did.  And I immediately hated myself for it.  Ugh. Why why why why. Why did I stoop to this?  I've been doing so good at not reacting to his crap.  He told me to get out and somehow all my books ended up on the ground.  I picked them up as he went inside. Somewhere in this he called me a whore.  Why, I am not sure.  Don't twelve year old boys do that when they aren't sure what it means, just that it's insulting?  Don't guys do that when you won't give them any?   Then I looked up to see him coming toward me and quickly put The Witching Hour out in front of me.  He came out to spit in my face.  But Anne Rice saved me with her big storybook.  He stormed back inside, leaving his dog bewildered and stuck outside alone.  I shouted twice that his dog was outside.  He didn't come out.  I left.  I saw him in my rear view mirror finally go out and get his dog.

I fumed all the way to my next stop.  I wished I had just chuckled his crap off.  But as I thought of how he needed to control the situation and make me go to his door for my books instead of having no contact as I'd asked for (it's easier and it sure would have avoided all of this).  I was mad at his need for control.  And my reaction to having to deal with it.  

I stopped at Starbucks on the way to my train and sat for a moment, composing.  I knew the right thing would be an apology - only for my behavior...no matter what HE did or said, I can only take care of things on my side of the fence.  By the Grace of God (because even God seems to have a limit as to how much energy can be used for this) I got his voicemail.  I spoke evenly, apologizing for my behavior but also saying why couldn't he have just put the things outside instead of needing to be controlling?  And that his mouth was going before he even opened the door.  And...that I don't even want to speak to him again.

I got a tall bold coffee with room, picked out some pomegranate vanilla cashews and a croissant and headed for the train. The rest of that story will be a different post.  I don't want to taint my trip with this nonsense.

He called my cell phone alone over 25 times.  He was calling it from 3pm until at least midnight. He figured out how to text from the computer and started texting me saying that I had major cleavage showing and making assumptions that I was seeing someone, even though I told him just yesterday morning that I wasn't.  Not that it was any of his business.  But he's the guy who will smear you all over creation and people will believe him.  His own therapist is duped in my opinion.  

Now somehow, he knew I wasn't home.  Nah, it's not that easy - I don't answer my phone or email him back when I AM home much of the time.  Something else was going on.  My hunch was that he was checking my driveway.  You have to go into my driveway to check it.  You can't necessarily see if I'm home by passing by.  He sounded so sure in his texts that he knew I wasn't home...that my daughter wasn't home on a school night.  He accused me of going out on a mother daughter date...of taking my daughter with me so I could go screw some guy (his words).  He claimed to have called the police on me and said that I could be arrested but that he chose not to press charges.  At one am, he attached a message to a statement about the insurance, saying not to cancel him just yet - he wanted to be tested for STDs now. The message attached to it saying that he could still have me arrested if he chose.  So he put an insurance statement in a sandwich with a possible arrest.  I have my own reasons for believing he didn't call the police and I won't divulge that here.  But it would be awfully surprising for him to want to be in touch with police.

STDs???  Can you get them from a toilet seat? The last person that I was with was him.  And unless he's taking home the trash, then he shouldn't have any worries.  He's just being insulting.

At one a.m., I heard a car pull into the driveway.  I had all my lights off thankfully, but for the Golden Girls.  Dorothy would kick ass, even dead I know she would.  I saw him view my car, turn around and leave.  He was stalking me, just as I knew he was.  Now how could he in the right frame of mind be doing this?  Over 25 cell phone calls to me?  How many went to my home number?  He called my mother three times while I was out.  She refuses to answer the phone for him.  We aren't even together and he is calling my mother late at night to harass her?

I emailed him right away and told him that if he ever stalks me again I will have him arrested.  

You have to realize, he has to blow into a breathalyzer to start his car.  His license is restricted.  I can probably have him arrested for violating his license privileges.  As well as stalking once I show phone records.  

This was someone that I cared about very much for so long.  Someone who is steadily declining.  I am trying desperately to get away from even speaking to him because we were not healthy together and something about him is provocative.  He provokes, goes on and on...accuses and takes out ads in the Superbowl with his fantastical assumptions.  I certainly don't hate him.  I need to get my own self healthy and not do it under the pressure of a split brain where one side is trying to reflect and heal while the other is shutting off ringers and deleting emails or defending my character.  The whole thing is really sad, embarrassing and at the same time very human.  I am hesitant to be this candid with my dirt but no one's life is perfect.  And this is my journey.  It's going uphill to steady from here.

I'm not Paranoid, YOU are!

Tonight I was busy writing (for a moment really) for my other blog, Even Though Epilepsy Sucks...so I thought I would do something simple here to at least stick my head out of the Quiet sand.  I have not relapsed at this point.  I maybe would have.  But then I look at all the emails that have been sent to me in the last 6 days.  Most of them unfriendly.  I notice that Flips toggles between narcissist traits and those of Paranoid Personality Disorder.  Unfortunately, any attempt to tell someone that you think they are either of these things is going to get ugly.  They won't believe you anyway.  (The font in red are my thoughts after his quote).  

Symptoms of Paranoid Personality Disorder

A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

• Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her
• Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates
• Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her
• Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events
• Persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights
• Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack
• Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner

What I have next are basically one liners from a compilation of emails that I've received from Flip over the last 6 days.  It doesn't cover everything but it's a pretty good synopsis of what I've been hearing for years now whenever there is a disagreement.  It took me a long time to consider any of this 'abuse'.  

You are a very cruel and vindictive person. I will not forget the pleasure that you are taking in the way you're breaking up with me and kicking me out of your life FOREVER.

You created a fight so that you could break up with me. You did it intentionally. 

The pleasure you take in hurting me is truly sick

You are by far the most vindictive and hurtful girl I've ever known

Fucking phony

YOU started the yelling AND the fighting AND the disrespect. ALL YOU!!!!!

You did this on purpose. 

But YOU are the only one pointing the finger of blame all the time

You are a very sick human being!

YOU want sympathy for feeling lonely in a relationship? That's why I went to McGrath's in the first place

JESUS you are a HUGE hypocrite!

Do you have any idea how much shit you have put me through since you've moved out.

I didnt blame u at all drama queen.

Real compassionate little girl.

I've tried much harder than you.

Do you imagine yourself to be a picnic in a relationship? Do you imagine yourself such the perfect "partner". 

And you yelled out your window as you made me unwelcome at your house - "you don't want to speak to me ever again". – Not what I said.

This is a perfect example of your very delusional victimhood bullshit.

I don't know why you continue to try and portray this martyrdom picture of yourself to me.

But you definitely DID say as you shut the window in my face that you don't ever want to speak to me again. –*Note- this is not what I said.

This bullshit victim story about how your so neglected is all made up in your very insecure and completely self centered mind. 

Stop playing games like a fucking child.

You deserved to be hung up on.

Funny, you called me more in the 5 minutes that you were so desperate to get off on dumping me, than you did the entire month that I got my DWI.....that's the kind of "partner" you are.

I can't believe one word you say about other guys or anything like it.

blah blah blah new guy blah blah blah I don't read the emails thoroughly blah blah blah making shit up to suit my cause.

blah blah blah, I'm an insensitive person, blah blah blah, you're not good enough for me, blah blah blah, I'm the perfect partner

it is really fucked up of you to drag things out for me

You are a very sick little girl.

 It's not enough that you lied to me about your feelings and broke my heart, you have to make up lies about me and tell people you're in danger? - (Note:  This was an assumption he made)

I am on the hurt end of this. This wasn't my choice, it was yours entirely.  – (Note: The hurt started before the break up for me.  That’s the difference.)

Pure paranoid delusional psycho babble.

You want to go and find how every many guys it takes to make you happy and I don't want to be around to see it. 

No wonder you got so insecure about me going to McGrath's....because for you, going out to a bar DOES mean that you're hooking up with someone else. Are you screwing him already or do you think you can finish disentangling your life from the "man you're so in love with" first?  - (More assumptions.  I've been home every night save for one night that I went out for a couple of hours.)

I can't believe how completely full of shit you are and how easily you can lie about love. You are a woman of very low character.

Get your shit and go be with your new boyfriend you heartless lying cheat. – Complete incorrect assumption

What kind of woman tells a man she wants to marry him and then less than two weeks later goes and finds another man behind his back because she's not getting laid enough during the week. You said you liked the sex so much, but all of the sudden you're content to have none? You are a liar. I'm not stupid. I can see the truth here . - Huge Assumption

Because you'll never have me again.

You went out and found someone else because my depression is too annoying to you.

but stop selling this bullshit that you were in love with me. You don't know what it means to truly love another. 

You just want to look like a neglected victim so that your new guy and your friends don't see the very shallow truth.

 I won't call it making love because it was only that for me. You only kept me around for casual sex until you found another guy. Just like I always knew you would. –( It was obviously doomed anyway then.  Should have let me leave sooner.)

 You would NEVER tell the truth. I can see the writing on the wall. It's not hard to figure out. You ALWAYS want sex.

There is no way you would go from marriage to break up over not enough attention and then want to be completely alone and have NO sex. - Assumption

One night at a bar and two days later, relationship over, on to the next one. It's still cheating even though you broke up with me after you met him. I know very well that you will NEVER admit the truth, but it's obvious. – horrible assumption

And what makes you think that I have any desire to touch you in "any way shape or form" after you dumped me for being depressed and immediately ran to another man.

 And I will sleep with the first girl who offers whether it works or not. – (Note: Great.  Have fun.  At least she’ll get your time and energy for a few minutes.)

There is no "abuse" drama queen

Hope you enjoy your new guy because you'll never have me again.

nd your logic as usual makes not a damned bit of sense. 

And I have been on the other side of how you go from one relationship to the other. I have seen your character.....so save the indignant crap.

Now that you went out and got a guy behind my back, you've officially broken EVERY promise you've ever made to me. - ( I didn't)

That way your new guy and your facebook friends won't see you for the kind of woman that you really are. ( I don't air my stuff out on FB)

I guarantee that there are plenty of women who would appreciate my very attentive love making since you don't anymore. Maybe I'll just sleep with the first one to offer just to get you out of my heart.

Things didn't work out with (an ex) and I and she did some messed up things, but oddly enough, I always knew that her love was sincere. I can't say that about you. - This one really blew my mind since for 2 1/2 years I financially took care of our home together, put him on my health insurance and stood by him through surgeries.  Ok, good that your ex crackhead girlfriend who cheated on you repeatedly was sincere.  

 That way you can keep your time and email boxes free (like you needed to last night) for your new guy.

That's what you really want right? Me out of your life forever so that you can be happy with the other guy. Do you tell him you want to marry him too?

        You have been taking a giant shit on me for days. You have tried to trap me into legal trouble even....WTF. Talk about foul.....that is way below the belt backstabbing. (Paranoid because he tried to manipulate me and say he couldn't drop my stuff off due to a license limitation legally.  So I said that I guess his license wasn't legal to allow him to drive over and scream at me on Saturday.  That caused him to lie in emails to me saying he didn't drive himself over here and that I was lying.  So untrue.  I saw him pull in the driveway.  Unless that car was Kit and Hasselhoff rented it out, he was alone)        

You are not a good woman at all.

Ms. Judgmental.

There are so many different, positive ways, that you could have approached about me not spending as much time with you – Hahahah…That was done.  There was just no follow through on his part. 

That's name calling and "abuse"? You will stoop to any kind of ridiculous twisting in order to play the victim.

You haven't been "disrespected".

YOU are not being disrespected.....

And there you have it.  What I feel is a typical list of things someone with PPD and NPD would say.