Can't the Director of HSM Just Write My Story Too?

Thankfully I have a nine year old girl.

This enabled me to see Zac Efron without a shirt on, showing off his new 21 year old biceps.

We had to practically camp out to get into High School Musical 3, but because of my usual tendency to show up somewhere early due to OCD, we had prime seats.

It opened with what from my view was an eight foot tall vision of Efron's face, sweating and panting. That director knows what's up. Who's taking all these little girls, running down the movie corridors to this movie? Yeah, maybe its daddy's weekend for custody, but its mostly mom that probably *sacrificed* her time to go.

I could almost do without busting into song constantly but being as the word *Musical* is in the title, I've been forewarned. Buyer Beware.

As the two main characters, Troy and Gabriella, struggle with their usual teen events that trigger ballads and rebellious This Is Who I Am songs with a tang of guitar in it, I turn to the last week that has passed.

I guess for all intensive purposes, I'd have to say that things for now have wound down with :d00t:.

Something Miss Darbus said reminded me of why this all went down - (Yes, Miss Darbus the drama teacher in HSM) - It takes courage to follow your intuition.

My intution has been nagging at me that I still am not ready to plunge after my laborious duties to my ex the Turd Van Blossom. I am slowly undepleting from the whole thing. I am capable of dating. I am capable of wanting someone. I am not at this time taking my heart out of the vault however. It's not time. Not because I'm bitter on love. But because its what intution tells me. Take it easy, girl! No pushing things into a heavy relationship just yet. I have things to accomplish and focus on right now.

I have a child with epilepsy who sleeps next to me at night. I won't allow her to sleep in her own room. Her more major seizures have been coming out of consciousness in the morning and if she weren't next to me, I wouldn't be privvy to that. (Is that how to spell privvy? If it isn't, I'm leaving it anyway. I like it.) Most of my time is spent thinking of what I will be feeding her and I (we're gluten free and dairy free for those who aren't familiar) AND we're vegetarian but do eat eggs. Neuro issues are complex. I have to watch what she eats and make it count whatever she does eat (we're skinny girls....we don't eat a lot in one sitting). Now she's had the petit mal seizures for years...those aren't anything that I've had to worry about too much. I was told they could go away or blossom into more wonderful, complex seizures later on. She's been on two medications for years.

It would seem that we were thrown in the pool for the more wonderful seizures as well since Humanling had one in August. That one was straight up frightening. I knew what it was but couldn't sleep or eat for days after that. I was seeing the :doot: during this and had asked for some extra time to myself because it was just draining and I really just couldn't spend any more energy on relationship type pursuits for that time, whether or not I realized it. I just knew that I needed time. Humanling was also not gluten free right before the seizure. She was Mostly gluten free. The day before the seizure, she'd had more gluten than a bakery.

So we went strict.

And then she had a sleep over last week. I sent her with a militant list, her own food (including bread) snacks and meds. Only to have the parent drop her off the next morning with a drive by of an apology of *I gave her an english muffin. Sorry. Hope nothing bad happens but she said she was hungry*.

That would be the same as if I gave her child a jar of peanut butter. You see, I thought she'd understand because HER kid has a peanut allergy. On top of it, Humanling informed me (yes, she tells on herself, and I didn't prompt it) that her friend dispensed vitamins to her. At night and in the morning. Well guess what. I'm one of those freak moms that many moms love to have a joke about - *GOD, slightly wound tight, eh?* The vitamins she had were full of dyes, not to mention a child should not dispense vitamins without the parent knowing and not at night and in the morning.

Four mornings after gluten, Humanling wakes up in a seizure. We've been free of them for over 2 months. Was it the gluten? Was it the nature of the beast? Coicidence that the gluten was present days beforehand?

Now in :doot:'s correspondance with me, he is very hurt, very inside his feelings and himself right now. I understand that. I really really do. I also understand that he has some personal issues going on that might compound that. In his reaction to my honesty of laying it all out...and I did....meaning - he didn't do anything wrong. I tried to say that there is no blame. There is a timing thing, yes. I did run with it from the beginning and then slowly pulled away over time. I was too consumed by that initial reunion and disbelief that he was still there - still available, still wanting to spend time with me. But then I realized that I'm just not ready still. I thought I was ready, I tried to be ready. But....I'm just not. . Maybe there is blame and I'm not seeing it. But I don't even blame the Turd VB for leaving because it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to be with me, didn't want to be a family or a step dad anymore and he left. Isn't that the right thing to do?

I didn't bother the :doot: with Humanling's seizure. He was still trying to deal with whatever it is on his end that he is working through. All I know is that right now, I felt that at first, I was being typecast again, as the wicked one. The one who lures people in with the intention of raking their heart out with a dull fork and throwing it against the gas station window across the way to watch it splat and then catch itself over and over on the way down, like a sticky hand. For some reason, I just don't think he thinks right now that I have a side. That really, what I am doing is withdrawing from our verbal contract and not giving it a second thought. But I have my life, full of things, as does anyone else. My time and energy is tied up 98% with the little being that I'd wanted with all of my heart and am keeping my promise to take care of her. I just want the leftover 2% to do with what I will, without having to uphold my end of a serious relationship. It sounds so selfish. But someday I will have time for that relationship. Or rather, will make the time without feeling that other things are being neglected. Like myself.

Or..put into other words....I have a ton of other things on my mind that crowd and try to take 2nd place (Humanling gets 1st).

I don't like to hurt people, ever. Which is why I haven't retaliated at all with Turd, but really really fought it. But in the end, Good won and evil was boiled into a sweet pudding. I didn't want to hurt :doot: and question my motives as to why this is all happening. I certainly didn't foresee it like this, but I haven't figured out the In-between. Or if its fair for the other person to deal with an in-between.

Back to Miss Darbus - It takes courage to follow your intuition.

I need my time with the Humanling. She is going to grow up and toss me for someone with a bit more testosterone someday. Mine and the :doot's dates had to be a day long and a night - it was an LDR and you can't really just hang for a movie and go home after that. You can't just have dinner together and do the small spurt thing. When you live that far, your dates have to be long. You have to be serious it seems and you have to be ready for the next logical step to bridge the gap.

I need what time is mine, after Humanling is asleep, to follow my pursuits, to connect with friends, to budget (Ha ha ha! Yeah right! More like creative accounting. More like calling the car company to make an arrangement so that Shades's car is still there in the morning, more like calling the Internet Gods to let them know a payment just went out so that I can still work from home, more like know that we can't live the standard American diet because its poison - therefore things are a tad pricier...or that because of all the bounced checks so as to pay who needs paying - about $800 was missing from my direct deposit last week due to fees and covering those checks....you can imagine what is left for the next two weeks is a fun challenge for me). The :doot: doesn't see this side. What does he see? I don't know. But I'm more than occupied. I'm wondering at all times, just how am I going to do the switch and lift the cup game of what is getting paid on time and what will take some mathematic spacing on the calendar. My guess is that of course after having Me Time for three years, the :doot: is maybe also in a very good place to take the next step. I sound like a train wreck on the other hand. Freshly divorced a month ago.

It's fall and its fair time as well. I'm usually making things to sell at the fairs. Humanling has an agenda as well that I have to work with. Or I'm in front of the stove for hours, which I love, but it is time consuming.

I'm voracious about reading. I need to devour, I need to learn. My goal since I was 22 was to go into energy healing. I need to be serious about this because its still what I read about, its still my interest, my passion. Is this why a monk is alone? To focus, to study, to caretake (clean, cook, etc)? I'm not comparing myself to a monk. I don't have that kind of focus just yet.

My house is in disarray today. I'm out of focus. I want to do something quality with Humanling today. And I want to read. To excercise, to study, to create. It whirlwinds around my head and instead, I will either take action, or wander from room to room picking up tiny things that have easy answers as to where they should be.

One question is - Will I ever date? I guess I would if it seemed right. It's not a goal, but its not an obsolete idea either. To get me to make a date to go anywhere or have anyone in my house sometimes takes pulling teeth. I'm an extrovert while out but once I'm in, my world seals off.

The other question would be - will Humanling will ever sleep at someone else's house again.

And....will there be a HSM 4? And would Troy lose a game of strip poker in it?