One Nation, Under God...and Tree and Flower and Feather...

I didn't hate by midnight last night.  So maybe that's progress.  It waited until about 6:30pm tonight instead.  That's like an extra day thrown in!  Like a bargain!!  

Tonight there are unhappy words and spoiled feelings going on.  I'm pretty direct about what's bothering me.  If I were any further direct, I'd buy an ad on ESPN and have it air during the Mets game tonight.  In fact, the only reason that I don't is purely financial.  And that my money might be better served going toward the Phillies than to the Mets.

So more on that later.  Like I'd leave you hanging.  Or more like it, spare you some vague details.

I brought Teen-A-Ling to her neurologist's office today in order to get her all fancied up for a 24 hour EEG.  She's old enough at this point to allow me to stay in the waiting room while a scalpful of wires gets glued onto her head and then all wrapped up with sticky bandages to keep those delicate things from being trampled by teen hands and fingers.  She scratches her head and plays with her hair as if she were being paid for it.

As I waited for her I read an entire small book called "The Practice of Bodhisattva Dharma".  Flip lent it to me last night.  He is back gettin' his Buddha on, which is usually a warm weather practice it seems for him.  Perhaps he is going to keep going this time with it.  I rather enjoyed it and it was definitely food for thought.  

One thing that I realized is that I am a commitment phobe no matter what it is.  It could be reading one book.  Or having one hobby. Or focusing on one task.  But instead I have to toggle between three books at once.  Or waste much of the precious time that I could be spending on a hobby, on the indecision of what creative outlet to stoke that night.  


So it comes as no surprise to me that during my readings, I realized that I also don't believe I can commit fully to one spiritual belief entirely.  I've always enjoyed the ritual and beauty and softness of Wicca, the reverence for life of the Native Americans, the common sense of Buddhism  along with the taking the Do No Harm to further heights by including sentient beings instead of just us Two Legged geniuses.  Flip gravitates toward Buddhism 100%.  This is his way.  And that's pretty cool when people can choose like that.  I do not feel 100% about it.  I also don't feel that I have to kick out all else that I know or was brought up on for the sake of choosing just one.  Humans are not by any means the be all of the universe.  However, being here on the earth for a minute, we've managed to come up with all these parallel principles in religion.  So to me, while I'd love to commit 100% to a path, for now, I choose a few.  


Buddhism from all that I have read, and it's been a lot, can bring comfort.  It makes sense.  Sometimes though, I do feel a small frost from it and miss the loving Goddess element that comes with Wicca.  Or the highly and vocal appreciation factor that seems to go with Native American spirituality.  


I have a lot to read still on the subject, for all mentioned and will probably tip the scales numerous times during.


Now in a nutshell, I'm rather peeeeeeeved at Flip.  He simply didn't answer some questions that I had tonight, choosing instead to fight for his right to have options, I think.  I can't say what his motives are.  What I can say is that out of respect (and being badgered) I answer his questions when he is feeling like half a bridge.  I might not even like to but it gets answered.  I feel that I'm not getting the whole story from Flip with this ex of his who goes to some of those meetings.  


Well, I'd write more but I'm afraid that a glass of vodka will call me if I don't feign sleep.  

You Made Me Do Bad with Your Responsible Laundry Night!

A blog to the backdrop of "Golden Girls".  How unusual!  Hope you were sitting when you read THAT sentence!

It's been yet another day of continuing emails filled with Thorns and Fire from FLIP.  Have I mentioned that he gets mad?  Or that he hangs onto things so hard they become 2 Dimensional?  

My darling girl had a chorus concert tonight.  She isn't even taking chorus this year so it's beyond me how this back alley performance invitation took place.  She didn't even practice the songs until...yesterday.  This is the first one that I've gone to without a mate.  FLIP has been to every performance with me for the last few years.  There wasn't much point in asking him to hit the pause button on his Soliloquy of why I am a horrible person and accompany me.  I know, I am horrible.  It was me that forced him to disrespect the relationship and go to a bar and drink to black out and drive and then ultimately end up with melted flower pots on the muffler.  Guilty as charged.  All I had to do was stay home except for that trip to the launder-mat - you know, exciting Karma burning type activity.    When the kid and I fold laundry, side by side, you know some kittens are suffering somewhere.  Or the terrorists are winning.  Or a strange brew of both, throwing in old women with shoe marks on their foreheads.

Miss Teen-a-ling got up on stage and I could see the anxiety eating her alive.  She has epilepsy.  This is pretty much the seventh circle of hell for me as I sit in the rather packed audience and watch her eyes blinking too much and her face showing signs of involuntary tics.  All I can imagine is the concert that no one will forget where "that poor kid" had a seizure right on stage for all to see.  Almost as bad as the dream where you are in your underwear in school, except if you've been doing your squats, your butt should make up for it.  I hovered only once - at the last show.  It embarrassed her when I ran to the front of the stage to see if she was okay. So this time I felt more like a hawk, hunting for prey. My focus was intent and my head would jerk to whatever side it needed to when the man with the fat, bald head would get in my way.  

At first I felt so bad for her.  Look at her having these tics and she's in the front row.  Everyone can see this.  And then I went somewhere peaceful....look at her. She's beautiful and she's perfect just the way that she is.  She has epilepsy and she can't be put into a bubble....she needs to have experiences - or at least try.  I can't keep her from having a life, nor should I try.  I do however, need you, Mr. Bald Guy, to move your dang head so that I can keep a protective eye on her while she's experiencing!  

Blessed Samhain to All

A happy and magical Samhain!

A day full of small blessings ....

I decided that there would be no better day than today to plant my Queen of Night tulip bulbs for next spring. When they (hopefully!) peek through the ground next Spring, I will know that my beautiful black tulips were planted when witches, ghouls and goblins roamed.

Of course I needed to offset the beautiful color of these flowers with something....so I chose pink foxtrot tulips. At first I tried to create a pattern and then in normal fashion with my character, I ended up arranging them at the lighter end of mish mosh but nontheless, they will be breathtaking. My next manuver is to be sure that the deer do not feel the same way. As much as I like the deer and we've given them nicknames (Herc and Carver, from the Wire), they've already given us enough. We pull plenty of ticks out of humans, cats and dog around here, we don't also need to find headless stems where my Samhain flowers are standing.

After a fairly short round of trick or treating tonight, my Tween-A-Ling and I sat cuddled up in her bed. Naturally the dumping of the candy all over the table had already taken place and the pupils of both mama and child, quite dilated. Mmmmmm....chocolate!!! I asked her what she would like to be more of, starting tomorrow. I gave her a couple of ideas of what I meant and she hooked onto one of them.....Joy. More joy. And I second, third and fourth that into the sunset.

We have had a great time living with my mate in the last year, but my TweenerLing has also felt the unfortunate and negative feelings that arrive, luggage and all, with a blended family situation.

When she and I were just Us Girls, living in an apartment, we did everything together. Every hour was Girl Time. Every trip out was a possibility for anything. She now shares my attention with of course, my mate. And she has turned up the dial on how unhappy his presence makes her. He has tried desperately to work with this in a positive way....and at the same time, has never had a child scorn him so much. It hits him Emo AND Ego. Being the net between sides has been quite stressful for me. It is a situation in which everyone is stressed. Even when he tries to be fun for her, she stamps a huge RETURN TO SENDER and storms off.

With his own health problems and constant pain, plus the whole ego/emo thing, he can only be charitable and turn the other cheek so much. He will eventually lash out and it isn't pretty. The tiny wars between an adult and child are uglier than you ever want to see. There is no winner and nothing about it feels good.

Tween-A-Ling's reality has simply gotten more and more depressing. And I relentlessly worry. Between the medication she is on (black box) for her epilepsy, the antibiotics for a case of Lyme and her life being shifted from happy and all mom's attention to where it is now, I thought perhaps, with this new year's door being open tonight, we could make a pact of sorts.

Joy is the answer. You and I both need more joy. Let's do that. When I ask what gives her joy, the answer I get is naturally, Ice Cream. Ok, you can't have ice cream all the time, pick something else. I gave her my example....going to a bookstore and just chilling for a bit. That brings me joy. She offered me another Joy Point...Coffee. Yes, she is correct....it is coffee as well, every day. Twice a day usually. For her.....well....she can't figure it out yet. That's ok. We'll make a list tomorrow of what brings her joy. I hope she can truly find something in her heart that we both know for sure, is not merely a groups of words to answer my question, but a stepping stone - to a higher vibration for her.

Doctor Visit for a half hour vs Helicopter Mother's Observation

I would so laugh at the term "Helicopter Mom" if I wasn't one. However I do think that mine is out of necessity of my beautiful Humanling, who has had seizures upon waking up from sleep and has jellybean jar full of food sensitivities, along with sun sensitivity, noise sensitivity and just all around Feelings Sensitivity.



Her first major seizure happened in August of 2008 and jolted me into finally taking her food sensitivities without the grain of salt. The day before the seizure, she'd indulged in nothing but all of them and multiple times. It had been quite the gluttonous summer Friday for us. We haven't had one since. We used to stop out on Friday nights, order ourselves the vegetarian version of junk food through a McDonald's drive up window. A cheeseburger, no cheese, extra onion and pickle. We felt like "normal" people who can enjoy that sort of mainstream junk stop. After that we would head to Borders for a drink that involved a lot of milk and whipped cream and sugar. Or maybe ice cream. Or maybe have pizza, full of gluten, dairy and tomatoes (one of the many nemeses for Humanling). I reasoned that it was 'once in a while' and it was 'ok to cheat'. Until her seizure that woke me out of my sleep. I thought she was kidding, and quickly my sleepy brain realized that this was exactly what I knew was possible but never thought would actually happen.

She is on two black box medications and going into puberty within the next few years. Her risk of suicide and depression being amped even one percent is jarring. She's had six seizures since August of 2008 and although it is scary and not something that I celebrate, I do celebrate that it has only been six, and not anything worse at this point.

We had to fill out standard forms for next year's school, for summer camp, etc. Her neurologist wanted a visit before filling forms out. So we did the visit that I knew would be a guilt session. I am no expert on epilepsy, but I am really good at knowing things about my daughter. I was made to feel guilty that we hadn't visited in so long. However, I knew any visits would only involve medication increases. I know that forums on the internet do not substitute for medical knowledge, but I have learned how very individual people are with this affliction. How food, sunlight, fat, protein, vitamins, herbs, emotions, hormones, can all play a part in what happens with the body. I brought this up to the neuro who stated rather curtly that food sensitivity effects on seizures "haven't been proven". Nor any other part of the diet or environment. I stated that food sensitivity is a stressor on the body and stress of any kind can produce a seizure.

She told me that two of the seizures that I saw weren't seizures. One not being possible because Humanling spoke through it. She called that one a "movement disorder". The other seizure she termed a "fainting spell" even though the child never fell, never passed out.

Then she said it was time to do a sleep deprivation EEG. This means that my child would be forced to stay awake for about 24 hours in the hopes of stressing her body enough to make her go into seizures so that she can be studied. I felt my tears about to let the dam loose and looked down, "taking notes" in order to compose myself. I finally said 'No. I'm not comfortable with that." Her neuro then reminded me that we'd have to do the simple EEG that we do every year, seeing as I'm "not comfortable". Then she stated that I am awfully calm for a parent who's child has had six seizures. I replied that anything else wouldn't be helpful.

I left there in a silent fury with a radio show to do in the next hour. Thank God for good friends and a good partner. And of course, the power of creativity since the show helped me to diffuse without going near the subject.

So I am currently on the Google path for a holistic neurologist who will hopefully take insurance. If not, then I will have to see what I can do. I want a doctor who will help me take my child off these medications and help us in another way. Humanling has been on these medications for years and I have to wonder two things - did her seizures get worse because she needs them raised? Or did they get worse because she's on them at all? Her meds were raised after the first big seizure. They didn't stop the next five.

I'm not trying to say that doctor's don't know anything. They do, but an integrative approach can at least be welcomed. She doesn't seem to believe in it.

I want to see my child feel normal and be able to process her emotions more like a person not on medication. I feel like a huge hypocrite who megaphones "natural health" everywhere and then spoon pharmaceuticals down my kid's throat twice a day.

A lifetime really needs to be at least 250 years. Imagine how much more we could learn and integrate if that were true!

Ben Franklin Croissant?

Hooray for work from home Thursday! I'm here with my buddies, Regis & Kelly. I've actually thought about asking Regis to help me find a good restaurant in NYC to accomodate our apres wedding detail. Normally this might be an easy task. However, we have my ultra prized Humanling with us and any tipping of the scales regarding sleep, excitement, diet or sun can predispose her to a wedding day or day after seizure. She will need to be handled with the utmost care and I am entrusting one or two of my closest buds to shuttle her to and fro over the state lines. One of those buddies is Organic, who is thankfully lending me her services and steely enough to take on the challenges of feeding my darling. Not to mention the potential challenge of being present when Humanling awakens as this is her number one seizure time. So I thank Organic for being that person who is going to be there (and ha ha...hope I didn't just scare the heck out of her.....its a POSSIBILITY not a probability....maybe that will make it seem easier...). My other wonderful and close friend would have to fly in from CA if she is to attend. She is half of Scorpion Equinox with me. She has a wonderful and gorgeous pup who is definitely her "child". It's seeming almost impossible to make it out here with my niece, Hennessy (that's her dog's name) so we might have to do a possible Skype or cell phone presence during the wedding. The same may have to do for my older child, Miz Eye. She is in Arizona and more than likely isn't playing the Lotto fast and furious enough to land those plane tickets.
Back to the Humanling's diet....we are both gluten free and mainly dairy free. By 'mainly' I mean that we are able to have butter (and are encouraged to have lots of it) and we have also been told that people with sensitivities to dairy can indeed have heavy cream. That something about the heavy cream is not processed the same as milk foods. Or rather, isn't processed at all if you look at some of the labels. Or perhaps I was told that really it is what is in the heavy cream as opposed to not in the milks. Regardless, we are encouraged to have plenty of that as well. I must admit, since adding a lot more fats to Humanling's diet, I think - *think* she seems to be doing pretty well with it. However, eating out is another story. I make every single one of her meals. Eating out is a huge pain in the cheeks. She also cannot have corn or corn products, soy and soy products or anything with tomatoes. I really need to just open my own restaurant and call it "Humanling Can Have This".

When we were in NYC recently, we had a wonderful lunch at a macrobiotic restaurant. I love the places that will give you a Bean of the Day! This is a huge staple here in our house.
So the dilemma is sort of this - having everyone eat according to my daughter's needs. Is this fair? Can people enjoy one meal without meat or that it isn't standard fare? Do I expect everyone to understand or do I give in and pack her a peanut butter and jelly and hope for the best? I don't like that idea. My own opinion might be too opinionated and I don't want to offend anyone at all, including the lucky man who inherits all of this on July 24th. My own opinion is personally, can people just deal for one meal. We're paying for it anyway. If they are still hungry afterwards there are plenty of other places to go. It's NYC after all! Perhaps I can strike up a bargain that I will give up first dibs on anything else if I can just take the restaurant choice.On another note.....am I the only person to have a micro freak about people who handle cash, handling your food? With their bare hands? I ordered a croissant this morning (yes, I did say we are gluten free, yes I am a hypocrite but I'm a hypocrite away from Humanling's eyes at the moment!) I like to have a croissant here and there...they aren't my main staple and I don't even have them once a week but when I work from home I do like one here and there. So I went to my favorite place where they give good croissant and ordered one to go just toasted. I figured that I would put my own butter on at home since its organic. Then the girl at the register picked one up with her bare hands, cut it in half for me and toasted it herself. Thanks but no thanks. She's handling all kinds of money and its not like I'd go and tell her boss....he was standing right there. Yeah, I know its really not a big deal to most people. But for my money, I came home ripped it up for the squirrels and made something else to eat. What a bizarre situation for me to have to point it out so I just dealt. I hate that I'm not loud enough to speak out on that at the time and spent the money on it anyway when I'm trying to save money, nevermind throw it outside for the squirrels to nibble on.

So I have croissant on the craving mind now. I thought about hitting up a Dunkin Donuts down the road....I love the thought. And having a nice coffee with it. The reality is that yes, while DD employees grab your baked goods with a wax paper, its still probably chock full of GMOs, gluten and the coffee comes in a styrofoam cup. But a nice thought, nontheless. And one I will continue to think about for a few hours.

Regarding American Idol, I don't think it is cut and dry for Adam. I'd like Adam to win however, I never saw Kris as a contender. Have all the women given up on Adam because Kris is hetero? Kris is unavailable too as the married Idol boy. Yeah, Adam's a screamer but he is not forgettable. Kris is just as cute as my widdle kitty cat Princess only he sings in human. He's not bad to listen to at all, he can sing. But I think in this competition he is a good looking quiet guy who can sing as opposed to perform. And it is a contest. If he were just himself, such as a John Mayer, its a different story. Either way, I don't vote so can't wait to see who will be chosen for the crown and will be the leading member of the Brady Bunch tour they are doing this summer.

Happy Belated Beltane!

Hello everyone - everytime I'm away from the Bloggersphere I miss you guys terribly. And yet at night, I've mostly been able to get away from the computer by 9:30-10pm. I try to minimize exposure since I work on one all day long. That and sometimes I just feel dull AND scattered. So that's no fun for anyone around me - scattering dullness hither and thither!

I am pre-caffeine at the moment but am ok with that. There is Irish jig music playing in the kitchen to keep the running dishwasher and boiling eggs company. The Electric Company show is playing in here. I'm too lazy to shut one of them off. Or maybe I'd rather write while the moment is lending itself in this way.

The radio show is going wonderfully for us and it does take extra time to work on - probably another reason (ha ha...a BIG reason) why I haven't blogged in so long! Upcoming on our show is a man who's son was murdered in an act of gang violence (his son was not in a gang, he was a pizza delivery boy). Azim Khamisa reached out to his son's 14 year old killer and realized there were victims on both sides of the gun. This man is amazing. He has built a foundation in his son's honor and did what many people think they cannot do. He took his son's death and turned it around to an act of forgiveness so huge - many of us probably have no idea what that feels like. Anyway, if you're interested, he will be on with us this week.

We are excited, it seems we have Martha Stewart's holistic vet, Dr. Shawn coming onto our show (Alan hurry and get a cat!), along with Sherrie Brooks Vinton who wrote Real Food Revival. We'll be having a show on apartment gardening and have tentatively scheduled someone on to discuss the disappearance of the bees. We're not totally sure if she can make it yet as the time difference is huge (she is in England). And of course, I have to mention again, I love Bruce Lipton, he will be on in October.

At the start of this post, the Humanling walked over to me and mentioned that she found a new loose tooth. Before I got to the last paragraph, I was poked on the shoulder so that I could see the bloody tooth, now in her hand. She's so funny. Just couldn't leave it in there. Well I guess this shows me a spot of her determination. And I can be rest assured that her fingers will not be in her mouth out in public, wriggling germs all over it.

Kyyo and Yuki have their two different cages and are beautiful little boys. Very different personalities as Yuki is rambunctious and fearless (except when Kyyo is put with him).

Azrael and Princess are chasing each other through the house from time to time now and I do catch them sleeping on my bed close to each other but not cuddling. Azrael had a pissfest last week when Humanling took out the bubbles and started blowing them. Princess just looked so absolutely adorable swatting them with her little Persian paw. We never see this side of her. Azrael eventually had it up to *here* with the cuteness and pounced on her.

Humanling's dad is in a spot of trouble for sure. He has been charged with assault in the first degree. He gave me the story and it sounds as though it was self-defense for a friend but I am told by someone else that he has very little chance of getting out of this. Apparently, outside of a bar some Iraq vets and Cavey's friend (we'll call him Scott Fargus), Scott were in an ugly verbiage. Cavey basically said to Scott, Come on, let's just go home. But then the Vets called them "old" and really, Scott can't back down ever. Never does. Problems ensued, Scott was held down and repeatedly tasered in the Hoo Hahs and Cavey had no choice but to do whatever it was that he had to in order to stop it. The next step was advanced violence on Cavey's part to get the guys off Scott and apparently Cavey is the only one who was arrested. He came to my house, drink in hand. When I say drink. I mean like an open glass that you would walk around your house with or what your friend's mom gave you when you visited. A drinking glass. It had an orange soda and alcohol in it. I don't know who drove him or allowed it in the car, but he got here and sobbed when he got to the part of what he had done. It's possible that he will be gone for quite some time but we'll have to see because somehow that guy is greased and slips out of many things.

And now, for a nice bit of happening. Today is May 2nd, that day 13 years ago that I fell completely for a guy and we'd never been able to fully make it work, no matter how good it felt. Much of it I believe is my own issue but at the same time, I don't believe where we are now is possible without any of it. But with time and determination and genuine feelings, we've decided its time to make it all worthwhile. I'm a-changing his name on here too. It used to be :doot: but now it's gonna be El. El as in L as in Lobster. We're getting married this summer in NYC! We're looking at July 25th right now as the date. His mom will be here from Brazil and I think she's never been here before. He also hasn't seen his family in over a decade so we coincided the wedding with the visit.

So now we are getting things together for this July and it isn't a whole lot of time, but its time enough. A good Virgo & Scorpio team we are and this is our first working project!

My mom would love us to do it in CT but she just is paranoid of getting lost in Manhattan. The woman grew up in Brooklyn. But I can understand her fear. We're pretty sure everyone will get there juuuuust fine.

So Alan, I might be in the neighborhood more than I was. We were down there, Humanling and I a couple of weeks ago. Humanling had a seizure though (probably out of too much sun exposure and excitement and lack of sleep) the morning of going down (but she is fine when its over and her day is to continue as usual unless she's really tired) and then on the train ride back when I went to wake her to get off the train. Humanling's seizures are always upon waking when they occur. I've been lucky to be a part of some good yahoo groups and am learning from another person or two's experience. For this train trip I had some very very nice young guys carry Humanling off during the tail end of the seizure because that was our stop and I had our bags too.

Epilepsy is a tricky thing. Very delicate to handle sometimes. And when things are going well for months with no seizures, I slip into a comfort zone and that's when it will happen again. She always needs enough sleep, not too much sun or excitement and high protein/fat, lower carbs it seems. It's all trial and error. But I'm grateful that it is what it is. I've heard horror stories from other parents and I will take our hand, thank you.

It does indeed feel like coffee time now. I must get the homestead cleaned up for the date with my Virgoian fiance later to celebrate a whole new world that opened up 13 years ago.

A big hug for everyone and I hope you all have a beautiful and inspiring weekend!

x0x0

Can't the Director of HSM Just Write My Story Too?

Thankfully I have a nine year old girl.

This enabled me to see Zac Efron without a shirt on, showing off his new 21 year old biceps.

We had to practically camp out to get into High School Musical 3, but because of my usual tendency to show up somewhere early due to OCD, we had prime seats.

It opened with what from my view was an eight foot tall vision of Efron's face, sweating and panting. That director knows what's up. Who's taking all these little girls, running down the movie corridors to this movie? Yeah, maybe its daddy's weekend for custody, but its mostly mom that probably *sacrificed* her time to go.

I could almost do without busting into song constantly but being as the word *Musical* is in the title, I've been forewarned. Buyer Beware.

As the two main characters, Troy and Gabriella, struggle with their usual teen events that trigger ballads and rebellious This Is Who I Am songs with a tang of guitar in it, I turn to the last week that has passed.

I guess for all intensive purposes, I'd have to say that things for now have wound down with :d00t:.

Something Miss Darbus said reminded me of why this all went down - (Yes, Miss Darbus the drama teacher in HSM) - It takes courage to follow your intuition.

My intution has been nagging at me that I still am not ready to plunge after my laborious duties to my ex the Turd Van Blossom. I am slowly undepleting from the whole thing. I am capable of dating. I am capable of wanting someone. I am not at this time taking my heart out of the vault however. It's not time. Not because I'm bitter on love. But because its what intution tells me. Take it easy, girl! No pushing things into a heavy relationship just yet. I have things to accomplish and focus on right now.

I have a child with epilepsy who sleeps next to me at night. I won't allow her to sleep in her own room. Her more major seizures have been coming out of consciousness in the morning and if she weren't next to me, I wouldn't be privvy to that. (Is that how to spell privvy? If it isn't, I'm leaving it anyway. I like it.) Most of my time is spent thinking of what I will be feeding her and I (we're gluten free and dairy free for those who aren't familiar) AND we're vegetarian but do eat eggs. Neuro issues are complex. I have to watch what she eats and make it count whatever she does eat (we're skinny girls....we don't eat a lot in one sitting). Now she's had the petit mal seizures for years...those aren't anything that I've had to worry about too much. I was told they could go away or blossom into more wonderful, complex seizures later on. She's been on two medications for years.

It would seem that we were thrown in the pool for the more wonderful seizures as well since Humanling had one in August. That one was straight up frightening. I knew what it was but couldn't sleep or eat for days after that. I was seeing the :doot: during this and had asked for some extra time to myself because it was just draining and I really just couldn't spend any more energy on relationship type pursuits for that time, whether or not I realized it. I just knew that I needed time. Humanling was also not gluten free right before the seizure. She was Mostly gluten free. The day before the seizure, she'd had more gluten than a bakery.

So we went strict.

And then she had a sleep over last week. I sent her with a militant list, her own food (including bread) snacks and meds. Only to have the parent drop her off the next morning with a drive by of an apology of *I gave her an english muffin. Sorry. Hope nothing bad happens but she said she was hungry*.

That would be the same as if I gave her child a jar of peanut butter. You see, I thought she'd understand because HER kid has a peanut allergy. On top of it, Humanling informed me (yes, she tells on herself, and I didn't prompt it) that her friend dispensed vitamins to her. At night and in the morning. Well guess what. I'm one of those freak moms that many moms love to have a joke about - *GOD, slightly wound tight, eh?* The vitamins she had were full of dyes, not to mention a child should not dispense vitamins without the parent knowing and not at night and in the morning.

Four mornings after gluten, Humanling wakes up in a seizure. We've been free of them for over 2 months. Was it the gluten? Was it the nature of the beast? Coicidence that the gluten was present days beforehand?

Now in :doot:'s correspondance with me, he is very hurt, very inside his feelings and himself right now. I understand that. I really really do. I also understand that he has some personal issues going on that might compound that. In his reaction to my honesty of laying it all out...and I did....meaning - he didn't do anything wrong. I tried to say that there is no blame. There is a timing thing, yes. I did run with it from the beginning and then slowly pulled away over time. I was too consumed by that initial reunion and disbelief that he was still there - still available, still wanting to spend time with me. But then I realized that I'm just not ready still. I thought I was ready, I tried to be ready. But....I'm just not. . Maybe there is blame and I'm not seeing it. But I don't even blame the Turd VB for leaving because it was the right thing to do. He didn't want to be with me, didn't want to be a family or a step dad anymore and he left. Isn't that the right thing to do?

I didn't bother the :doot: with Humanling's seizure. He was still trying to deal with whatever it is on his end that he is working through. All I know is that right now, I felt that at first, I was being typecast again, as the wicked one. The one who lures people in with the intention of raking their heart out with a dull fork and throwing it against the gas station window across the way to watch it splat and then catch itself over and over on the way down, like a sticky hand. For some reason, I just don't think he thinks right now that I have a side. That really, what I am doing is withdrawing from our verbal contract and not giving it a second thought. But I have my life, full of things, as does anyone else. My time and energy is tied up 98% with the little being that I'd wanted with all of my heart and am keeping my promise to take care of her. I just want the leftover 2% to do with what I will, without having to uphold my end of a serious relationship. It sounds so selfish. But someday I will have time for that relationship. Or rather, will make the time without feeling that other things are being neglected. Like myself.

Or..put into other words....I have a ton of other things on my mind that crowd and try to take 2nd place (Humanling gets 1st).

I don't like to hurt people, ever. Which is why I haven't retaliated at all with Turd, but really really fought it. But in the end, Good won and evil was boiled into a sweet pudding. I didn't want to hurt :doot: and question my motives as to why this is all happening. I certainly didn't foresee it like this, but I haven't figured out the In-between. Or if its fair for the other person to deal with an in-between.

Back to Miss Darbus - It takes courage to follow your intuition.

I need my time with the Humanling. She is going to grow up and toss me for someone with a bit more testosterone someday. Mine and the :doot's dates had to be a day long and a night - it was an LDR and you can't really just hang for a movie and go home after that. You can't just have dinner together and do the small spurt thing. When you live that far, your dates have to be long. You have to be serious it seems and you have to be ready for the next logical step to bridge the gap.

I need what time is mine, after Humanling is asleep, to follow my pursuits, to connect with friends, to budget (Ha ha ha! Yeah right! More like creative accounting. More like calling the car company to make an arrangement so that Shades's car is still there in the morning, more like calling the Internet Gods to let them know a payment just went out so that I can still work from home, more like know that we can't live the standard American diet because its poison - therefore things are a tad pricier...or that because of all the bounced checks so as to pay who needs paying - about $800 was missing from my direct deposit last week due to fees and covering those checks....you can imagine what is left for the next two weeks is a fun challenge for me). The :doot: doesn't see this side. What does he see? I don't know. But I'm more than occupied. I'm wondering at all times, just how am I going to do the switch and lift the cup game of what is getting paid on time and what will take some mathematic spacing on the calendar. My guess is that of course after having Me Time for three years, the :doot: is maybe also in a very good place to take the next step. I sound like a train wreck on the other hand. Freshly divorced a month ago.

It's fall and its fair time as well. I'm usually making things to sell at the fairs. Humanling has an agenda as well that I have to work with. Or I'm in front of the stove for hours, which I love, but it is time consuming.

I'm voracious about reading. I need to devour, I need to learn. My goal since I was 22 was to go into energy healing. I need to be serious about this because its still what I read about, its still my interest, my passion. Is this why a monk is alone? To focus, to study, to caretake (clean, cook, etc)? I'm not comparing myself to a monk. I don't have that kind of focus just yet.

My house is in disarray today. I'm out of focus. I want to do something quality with Humanling today. And I want to read. To excercise, to study, to create. It whirlwinds around my head and instead, I will either take action, or wander from room to room picking up tiny things that have easy answers as to where they should be.

One question is - Will I ever date? I guess I would if it seemed right. It's not a goal, but its not an obsolete idea either. To get me to make a date to go anywhere or have anyone in my house sometimes takes pulling teeth. I'm an extrovert while out but once I'm in, my world seals off.

The other question would be - will Humanling will ever sleep at someone else's house again.

And....will there be a HSM 4? And would Troy lose a game of strip poker in it?