Sorry Your Idea Sucked

“After lunch, we made love like it was the 4th of July. And because it was the 4th of July, it felt exceptionally patriotic. I even wore my British flag t-shirt to commemorate the evening.” ~ Jarod Kintz

I do not "celebrate" patriotic holidays in typical beer can crushing, hot dog gullet stuffing, Yay fireworks type of manner.  If we really think about freedom, then I am free as all get out, celebrating that I am home, doing whatever I want.  I am not at the helm of the clock, being driven to "arrive" or space my booze accordingly for the 35 minute drive home.  Welcome to my freedom - from guilt, from plans, from expectations!  Whee ha!  {Lights sparkler}

This morning I had total free choice in chasing a cat that had a dragger.  I could have let her handle the matter with dignity, on her own at some point.  But that would mean total acceptance of cat poop germs wherever her butt may kiss.  Rahveenha is skittish.  And incredibly affectionate.  We've nicknamed her Violently Happy.  At about nine months old, she is the baby of the bunch.  She has this incredible heightened sense when I am trying to catch her for a "reason".  Usually she comes running when I call her.  Today, she and her butt blob hid under the futon.  She then ran pretty much on everything that I wouldn't want her to be on...the bed, the pillows on the futon....she may as well have opened the refrigerator door and sat on everything in there.  It's one of those pursuits that you can't give up no matter what.  Unless you're ok with getting out a shit detector and wandering around the house, paper towels, cleaner and keen eyesight in tow.  You really have to get into one of those "That's it, I fucking had it!" moods, where the possibility of being scratched was not even a thought. The best part is, I had just finally made my coffee and was ready to sit down.  

Before all of this I thought to myself.....I'm not huge on these holidays.  On being all Hot dog and Hamburgery for a day.  Then again, I'm vegetarian.  But still.  We have options these days, y'all.  But still, it'd be nice since I'm home to make something gorgeous for breakfast for my Humanling.  Try to show her that she means more to me than a bagel in the mornings.  The Mister had already left onto his day's pursuits and so now it was me and the kitchen.  I can do this.  

Working with what I had, I decided on a cheapy, eggless "french toast".  Bread in the oven, butter it up, sliced bananas and blueberries on top with real maple syrup mother fuckers.  Real. After googling if it ever goes bad after being opened.  In the fridge - where the cat did not go.

I proudly handed her the "surprise!" breakfast plate.  Her face went long.  Her eyebrows fell from the weight of advanced disappointment.  Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to give you twinkies with sprinkles for breakfast today. The SAD fare - Standard American Diet.  

Needless to say, I was maybe pissed for a moment.  (*Moment = an hour).  

I pulled out my superpowers of guilt, passed down to me from the guru herself, and delivered a short speech on gratitude.  Then left the room to discover the shit smear that was easily traced back to the litter box.   I complained to my mom on the phone, who laughed the words "HAHAH..she's fourteen!...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA".  My response was closer to the letters "Pffff".  

About a half hour later I received a note.  

{Smiling Parent}

And a Dash of Guilt!

I don't know why I attempt to write while there is a movie on that I love.  That movie would be AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.  Right now is the one with that loser Dorothy Umbridge.  Man I hate her and wish I could envelope her in a room with a bunch of guy farts the morning after a baseball game and a stag.  

I'm rockin' the Guilt today. For a few things.  I figure if I'm going to feel bad about one thing, might as well invite the rest to show up so that I can just absorb it all at once.  Like taking accelerated courses.  It just gets you past the fact that much faster.  But first things first...some purple chapstick and maybe a small glass of bourbon.  AND to make note of the amazing scenery in AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.  

Ok it's about ten minutes later and I didn't do anything except put on chapstick.  How the heck can I write the blues without any booze?  

After a week long "fight" with FLIP that really was an ongoing sort of fight after he closed his eyes and basically pinned the tail on the Bad Option of getting me back for some imagined slight, he decided it was time to get the dregs of my stuff (approximately one car load) out of his house.  I noted that it would include the Best Cat Ever, Azrael, who I've had for 8 years.  I'm sure it is no surprise that there isn't a strand of thought about this that was pleasant.  Getting the rest of my dregs was like the equivalent of vacuuming up every corner of his house to be sure that nothing of me exists there at all.  

The worst of it was to open the cat carrier door.  Azrael loves both me and FLIP.  She readily stepped into it to check it out since she has a ton of trust.  I then put her outside in it for air as I got the last of the things that I could fit into my car.  

At the old place, she was able to come and go as she pleased.  The scents of every season,  beautiful spring and summer days...it was all hers to wander around.  The yard was expansive and far away from the road.  She was great about boundaries and protected her property.  She comes when you call her.  She became quite the athlete, racing up a thick tree just to stop mid-way and look at you to be sure that you were taking in her prowess.  

Now she is back in an apartment.  All she can do is look out the window but not go anywhere.   I feel like I've jailed her.  She was friends with his dog and now she has only guinea pigs who will simply stare at her and hope that she will give them some munchies.

Her response here has been good thus far, but I'm not sure that she really knows yet that she isn't going outside.  If FLIP and I were still somewhat together or friendly, I could allow her to go over there some days to enjoy what she enjoys.

The other guilt is regarding FLIP.  I hate doing this to him.  He has crossed so many lines, including knocking on my door at 11:38pm the other night, waking up my daughter.  He has hurt me with so much disrespect during this relationship that rationally, I should be able to forgive.  But there are just too many deep seated emotional stab wounds.  He doesn't apologize for much.  He turns it around instead so that I'm the one who has to apologize.  So while I understand how unhealthy this relationship really was, I still feel bad.  I guess that's just one of those things I inherited from my mom.  He's called me every name in the book, he's told me during moments of heated exchange about how great sex was with his ex, about how even certain people were much better than me.  But when sober of anger, he insists this was all just to upset me.  This is just one thing of so many.  So I know the decision is a good one....and yet, while he is feeling upset that I left and won't apologize, I am feeling bad for all of it.  He does not see himself or the vengeful tendencies that he has.  Instead he parrots what I say to him.  For instance, "FLIP, you are acting like a total doo doo head!".  Then he would say to me "YOU are acting like a total doo doo head!"  And there you have a good amount of what is being said, just insert whatever adjective and it'll work.

Man, I hate Malfoy's dad.  He is such an evil, pompous ass.

The only other guilt is my not hiding the chocolate well enough.  It appears that my girl ate a bunch of it while I was not looking today.  That explains a lot.

Oh I hate this part....Gary Oldman's character dies.  Can't Harry have anything?  Sheesh!

On a bright note, I finally went out and had a fabulous time with an old friend today.  Time ticked at an advanced speed.  We shared drinks and appetizers and company.  Sometimes that's all you need.  That hug of an old friend that reminds you of how much space apart does not matter.  Just time together.

Even Harry Potter won out in the end of this one as he said to Voldemort...."You're the weak one. And you'll never know love,or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."

Images of October 1st

The very last of the tomatoes...



My Azrael doing her best to be a storm cloud in the wind....

Simplicity in black and white

The beauty of autumn flowers!

Happy October 1st!

Where the Mind Floats

The Weather lady on MSNBC this morning seemed to be talking to a bunch of unstable Americans. Her tone during the weather had that feeling of a careful It’s-Going-To-Be-Okay-Now-Come-Down-From-There-With-That-Sword sort of message. Sing songy, no weapons needed….“And up here in Albany, it’s going to be 35 degrees and sunny!!”
*
My beautiful honey, I love that you tell me so much. But I don’t really need to know every single thought running through your head. I think it is more for you than it really is for me. You talk out loud to remember…but I have not yet found storage where I can cart all this information so that I have space left in my head for my own thought rivers to flow without dams.
*
I’ve heard the car commercials and now I want a swaggering guitar rhythm as my soundtrack when I check the mail.
*
My honey saw a headline “Kate’s dress leaked!” and wondered what bodily function of hers failed. I swooped in with my frilly cape and tights and allowed the estrogen to translate the headline to him and let him know that the dress she is wearing was probably leaked onto the internet before she wanted anyone to know.
*
Last night I read an article in the NY Times about Dennis the Menace from Sunday’s paper. I am stubborn Irish and will not give up on reading something until I actually read it. I will carry it around for years until I have finally read it. Yesterday I happened to get to the article sooner than later. The article mentioned Dennis’s evil veins pumping his evil blood and how there was a Starling infestation in his grumpy neighbor’s trees. So Dennis put liver up there and attracted a pile of cats instead. I thought it was timely to have had our own Starling infestation yesterday morning.

I wonder if I would have thought about it any differently had I read about the Starlings on Sunday before seeing them on Monday.
*
After an intimate space with my mate, I spent some time looking up at his face and told him that if I ever were to have one photo only of him forever, it would be the “after” image. The stubble on his face frames and contrasts his lips in a way that only biology can get right.
But the threat of him shaving it off still hangs in the balance.
*
Whenever I ingest lemons or oranges, I feel like I am glowing with sunshine.
*
Sometimes thoughts out of nowhere pop into my head. Actually, this one came due to mate’s activity across the room as I work. I’m going to start a band called Angry and Farting. Only he isn’t angry. Just farting.
*
The dog is doing ‘Gross Dog Noises’ Greatest Hits’ while I am eating. It all sounds so gross….his snorting and licking that makes his tongue sound like it’s 2 feet thick and has marinated in a vat of saliva for a week. I have to turn on some music to put a buffer between me and this assault of saturated noise.
*
As I was walking back from getting the mail, I noticed that the landlord’s shovel was lying down on the ground. I know that it was previously standing up in snow. The snow has melted. I wondered what that moment in time was where the shovel finally broke free and fainted to the ground.
*
I was putting Humanling to bed and was sitting with her, just relaxing. She was closing her eyes and twirling my hair through her fingers when suddenly her poofy white cat launched off the bed and landed squarely in front of my bad ass hunter cat Azrael. The poofy white thing then sharpened her claws on the carpet in a very deliberate and In Your Face Azrael sort of way, while Azrael sat there with hybrid look of disbelief and boredom.

aMuse Me

This morning I heard a great number of birds squawking about. Upon glancing out of the window, I saw heaps and heaps of black starlings flying into our trees. It looked to be 100-200 of them. They hung out briefly until I opened the door to throw them a piece of bread. I immediately stopped throwing bits down when I realized that it was moldy.

*

I kissed my lover's mouth before going out for a walk in the chilly dusk. He tasted like a room with a cozy, warm fireplace.
*
I came back from my walk and let him know that should I die and someone shows up at my funeral to protest something or disrupt, I have a wish. My postmortem orders are to take the loudest, most disruptive person (should one show up) and throw him in the coffin, face down on top of me. Then slam the lid shut.

Let the person out after a few minutes of course. But maybe make them sweat it out a bit, maybe make them sing a few bars of my favorite Ella Fitzgerald song first or yell through the muffled wood what sign they are. They can get out a minute sooner if they know their moon and rising sign.
*
Honey is trying to close a window on his computer for a Root Mash recipe. He clicks a few times and eventually the sleepy computer catches up on it’s To Do list and shuts down all of his windows. He notes this and then says “Whatever” while getting up to finish making dinner. I said “You just Whatever’d your computer.” He stops for a moment and says “Yes I did.”

*
As I read a simple Buddhism for kids level book to my Humanling as she’s falling asleep, her fluffy white thing of a cat perches on the trunk next to the bed. The fluffy white thing loves my girl more than everything else and waits for her at night, sitting patiently upstairs, waiting for Humanling to finish Whatever It Is and go to the shared space of the bed. Or as we say, “Your ride is here.” The fluffy white thing sees that as I am reading the story, I am also an obstacle blocking the path to a united destiny of cat and human. Kitty looks at my how close Humanling is and then to see how wide the human river of me is that she has to cross.

When I left my mate for a couple of days due to our addiction to bad patterns in disagreements, he sent me an email, among many others, that burst the dam of emotion I was feeling. I stood at work, reading that the cat who hadn’t seen her human in 2 and a half days, had been crying desperately at 4am, looking for her. That finally, my mate, who loves animals but this one is the least favorite in the house. She is quite the long hair, which equates to puffs of hair floating about and the occasional old turd that got stuck in her backside, concealed by all the fur but that eventually found freedom among the floorboards.

He felt so bad for her crying that he called her to come sleep in the bed with the dog and himself. And finicky girl that she is, she actually climbed in.

Reading about Miss Kitty’s heartbreak added 2 more tons of heartbreak to my already broken heart of missing being home with my mate. I cried for the next couple of hours at my desk, crumpled Kleenex piling high in the trash bin.
And took half day and went back home to him.

*
We watched Michelle Bachman speak on one of those nightly MSNBC shows. There is something about her that COULD be so pretty. But when I look into her blue eyes I am really seeing evil skeletor.

*
During my walk tonight I noticed that I’d nearly caught up to a figure up ahead. Eventually she crossed into someone’s driveway, away from the house and into the woods. As far as I know, that direction doesn’t lead to anything that anyone would go to because then it opens into a huge, sprawling field. I would have looked at her some more as I was passing her but that would have been so shady.

For the rest of the night, she has been a mystery for me. A creepy, paranormal mystery.

Seeing the Beginning of Truth

I am not a dainty eater. Nor am I walking in my mother's footsteps....causing the occupants of a restaurant table to pay a rent fee for the length of time it will take to finish a meal. If you put in The Godfather when my mom picks up her fork for the first bite of a meal, you are guaranteed to see the credits, outtakes, bloopers and tour of Marlon Brando's gravesite before she is done.
I just sloppily finished my bagel while at work. Today's an incredibly special day in Corporate America. We get to wear JEANS!!!! Yes! In this economy, in this job market, there are still perks on the job. It is File Cleanup day and we are stoked in advance with an email that reminds us that YES! We CAN wear jeans!! I'm personally waiting for the day when they transition us to bib overalls in order to complete my shredding, recycling and cleaning experience.
In the midst of extracting the last 10 years full of ghosts of accomplishments and old procedures, I find that my OCD hasn't been up to par since last summer. I should be freaking out about this much OLD stuff. There must be tons of dust and bacteria in the corners of these drawers or that baggie of pumpkin seeds that I found from over a year ago when I must have been on another health kick.
Wow, a year ago. Pause for a moment to remember who we were a year ago.

Are you done yet?

I'm still thinking.

I was very different. Or my life was. Me and the Humanling. I didn't have a mate. I lived a very different life....in the center of a quaint town where walking anywhere we needed to go was taken advantage of. We walked frequently to the coffee shop, spent many nights in the library or just walking the town. I certainly do walk where I am now...only I bring along some carrot or apple for the horses that I'll pass. I scout the ground for my favorite type of kindling - smooth, dry and snaps when I touch it with the aura of my pinky. I look like such a hick (sorry, self proclaimed hicks. I feel like the Geico Caveman ad now....) when I find a long branch, pull over to the side of the road, lean it up on the bumper of the jeep and crash my foot down to bust it up into bite sized pieces for the fire . Ha - I even bought my very first maul to keep in the back of the car this past weekend at Tractor Supply. Yes.....I really did. With my own money, not a gift card.

My beau is currently in between hip surgeries. This has left us in a mutual virginal situation. He's never had to be cared for in this kind of way, with the woman taking over the entire home, people and animal duties and I've never had this extension of the caretaking duties. Or rather, in my first marriage, Humanling's dad was frequently out of work and not incredibly dependable as far as cleaning house and not getting himself into a 12 pack with his friends during the day. As a prior single mom, yes, I did plenty of caretaking but only for me and the Humanling and the small zoo. Now throw in a man and a dog. It doesn't seem like much and I really can't account for why I can feel even more worn down with one more human and animal in the mix.

I give a lot of credit to you dog owners. That's a labor of love right there. I am a cat girl. Get Cat. Put Cat in House. Feed. Change Litter. Pat pat pat. Watch it walk off after giving the Warning Glare during petting when fill has been reached. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeasy! Dogs.....that's a new shape and texture for me. I'm not used to having an extra set of eyes staring at me while I eat. Or the sound that has become the bane of my existence every evening - male dog genital slurping. Awful. Just awful. God created this sound specifically to keep me from getting too comfortable. They say that what irks you is something you need to work on, therefore I am forced to meet my lessons every day. Yes, I know that cats do it too.....but their tongues are smaller and the noise factor is greatly diminished. Plus I have girl cats so they aren't trying to swallow their appendages on a regular basis.

I have found that I am a different person in a relationship than alone. But isn't that like saying when I'm in water, I'm wet? How obvious! PLEASE! Don't bore people! But really....think about one relationship to another to being alone....how different we can be in all of these things. Maybe what's really important is the Why. Why are we different? Why are we every women? Why is it all in me? Hahaha. Sorry. Now the song is stuck in my head and will hopefully be dismissed as soon as I get into my car and head home.

But why with one person, be secure and laid back, while suddenly having epic attacks of the obsessive kind about tons of things? Or when alone, some people crumble and some are having the best time? For me I find that when alone, I am usually all about embracing positive change, transformation, progression. When in a relationship, I can start to put too much emphasis on finding out what makes the other person tick, what makes them happy and how to work with that. Why is that so bad? Well...its not. However, all things in moderation. If you find yourself all about making the other person happy, and you happen to have a person who also believes in making sure they are happy, then that guy is a lucky dude! Until the woman realizes that she's lost herself in it. Ooooo....ewwwwww.....uncomfortable topics. Resentment, passive aggressive behavior, commanding telepathy instead of communication...none of this is productive, and if it is, it won't be for long unless the pair has no issue being unhappy and kept in emotional check.
I will admit that my partner and I have only been together for seven months and two things go with that - a) we have had a few doozies of arguments and b) we are both looking toward the future together. I can't speak for him, but I'm learning who he is as opposed to the big collective grouping that involves all my past experiences, expectations and reactions. It seems like he started off the same way. And after our last mushroom cloud of an event, we decided that it can't happen that way anymore. We have to be honest - and gentle - but honest. I don't like to admit bad moods when they hit. But now if one of us feels a creeper of a mood, we just say it. I don't like admitting that now I seem to experience mood issues that orbit my cycle. That never used to be an issue. I also know that my body changes with each partner. So now instead of trying to hold it in and hold up a paper plate smiley face to block my scowl, I go to my beloved and just say basically, Welp, we're embarking on that week now. We both know what that means. Best as I can try to keep myself together, I will. But if there isn't a time to bring up suggestive hints on how I can better myself or how I do things, this will be the week that the tongue should be postponed. The moon will wane, my canines and incisors will slide back into their rightful shape and place.

***Quick note to those who work in offices around other people.......There is no reason to snap your fingers and clap your hands for the duration every time you get out of your seat and walk around. The annoyance factor is off the charts.***
Back to our program.

I've been through 2 marriages and a basketful of meaningful/less relationships and thought I'd learned a lot. And I did! But now its taking those results and applying them here. This for me is one of the biggest learning relationships. That's not a bad thing at all - in fact, its actually liberating. It's not necessarily my partner that I am being forced to look at. It's me. And for some reason, it's sort of a relief. It means that I can try to identify my issues, work on them and hopefully, eventually, wipe them off the map! Or at least pencil them in rather than have them solidified in Sharpie. That's what this relationship is bringing to me and to him too. I'm looking forward to figuring it out and feeling free from my own restraints. Think I'll go make a pot of coffee now and celebrate!

The Nose's Best Friend

It's a gorgeous day to work from home. Actually, the only definition really of a not good day to work from home is if its zero degrees outside and the heater is busted. It's rainy here and I've got Regis & Kelly on.

One or more of the cats has completed an angry deposit into the litter box, most likely on purpose. Whenever it happens while I'm home I have no choice but to assume that the powerful death scent of the Killer Krap is meant to destroy everyone in the home.

Today is Regis's big day! Lil Kim getting booted off Dancing With the Stars meant Regis finally getting his glory moment of having her on the show to dance. And boy did she. If anything is going to give me inspiration for a little excercising before finding that exquisite dress that will turn me into a summer goddess for my wedding, it was her one minute stint. Regis finally got to dance with her as well. I don't think he could get any higher if the earth itself grew a fist and tossed him into the ionosphere.

I started this rainy morning by seeing Humanling off on the school bus and then walking, all makeupless and apparently having dropped any pride or ego in the hallway with my beautiful attire that can probably be found under keywords: crazy cat lady.

So after walking in the drizzle and taking a few sips off my hot coffee, ducking under weeping tree branches, heavy with saturated, wet flowers - all while protecting the coffee! - I knocked over the coffee nearly as soon as I sat down to work. I can't say that I'm thoroughly impressed with myself on that one. Especially since Humanling dumped over her chocolate almond milk/heavy cream drink this morning and I gave her a small helping of Grrrrr over it. So I say to the Universe - What?! Am I not allowed to miff on a spill? If I do, then my coffee cup goes side heavy and instantly gives my rug a that everlasting coffee scent?

Warning, my vegetarianism is tapping me on the shoulder for its turn here at the board. I'm hearing about this cow that escaped from a slaughterhouse in Queens yesterday. Apparently they have named it and are finding a home for it. I have heard it termed "Molly earned her freedom" by busting out. Why is that? It's sad that a cow has to be born already 'owned' and would have to do something as unlikely as busting out of a dank slaughterhouse in order for people to suddenly think it's a cute and honorable animal when moments before, if Molly had gotten hung and slit, no one would care. I get the mentality but its undeniably hypocritical. Just saying.

As far as my own personal health journey right now, well ok, so I've been way off the mark this week especially. Sugar is one ring horned devil that I really need to burn at the stake. I'd love to not hate on people who CRAVE fruit and say that oh, they don't really like cake or cookies. Whatever. Let me see the back of your pantry.

I am trying to drink more tea instead of coffee. Ok, not really trying but I did today. And ok it was because my carpet slurped it up.

In doing the laundry today, I pulled the clothes out when they were done and realized that the jacket that had gotten bird ass bombed was in there. I had to throw them all back in for one more wash. I'm sorry people but these weren't ordinary birds. This bird was a Moss Avenue bird. I grew up in that area. It's pretty slummy. Who knows where those birds have been.

As far as American Idol goes last night, I've never seen a female leave more gracefully and with power than Allison. Maybe that can be disagreed with but I think for her age and experience, she was pretty durn amazing. I don't recall it ever being down to three guys though. Perhaps they'll form a Barbershop Trio and call it a draw.

I am looking foward to the weekend, time with my little Humanling and then time with El. Something about it feels relaxing. We may not ever be sitting with all the chores and cooking but we're doing it together. I can cook all day if we're standing there together. If we were a 1600s couple we'd starve to death eventually because he wouldn't be able to hunt since I wouldn't feel like making anything unless he was standing there with me.

Time to enjoy being home and enjoy the smell and sound of the rain.

Happy Belated Beltane!

Hello everyone - everytime I'm away from the Bloggersphere I miss you guys terribly. And yet at night, I've mostly been able to get away from the computer by 9:30-10pm. I try to minimize exposure since I work on one all day long. That and sometimes I just feel dull AND scattered. So that's no fun for anyone around me - scattering dullness hither and thither!

I am pre-caffeine at the moment but am ok with that. There is Irish jig music playing in the kitchen to keep the running dishwasher and boiling eggs company. The Electric Company show is playing in here. I'm too lazy to shut one of them off. Or maybe I'd rather write while the moment is lending itself in this way.

The radio show is going wonderfully for us and it does take extra time to work on - probably another reason (ha ha...a BIG reason) why I haven't blogged in so long! Upcoming on our show is a man who's son was murdered in an act of gang violence (his son was not in a gang, he was a pizza delivery boy). Azim Khamisa reached out to his son's 14 year old killer and realized there were victims on both sides of the gun. This man is amazing. He has built a foundation in his son's honor and did what many people think they cannot do. He took his son's death and turned it around to an act of forgiveness so huge - many of us probably have no idea what that feels like. Anyway, if you're interested, he will be on with us this week.

We are excited, it seems we have Martha Stewart's holistic vet, Dr. Shawn coming onto our show (Alan hurry and get a cat!), along with Sherrie Brooks Vinton who wrote Real Food Revival. We'll be having a show on apartment gardening and have tentatively scheduled someone on to discuss the disappearance of the bees. We're not totally sure if she can make it yet as the time difference is huge (she is in England). And of course, I have to mention again, I love Bruce Lipton, he will be on in October.

At the start of this post, the Humanling walked over to me and mentioned that she found a new loose tooth. Before I got to the last paragraph, I was poked on the shoulder so that I could see the bloody tooth, now in her hand. She's so funny. Just couldn't leave it in there. Well I guess this shows me a spot of her determination. And I can be rest assured that her fingers will not be in her mouth out in public, wriggling germs all over it.

Kyyo and Yuki have their two different cages and are beautiful little boys. Very different personalities as Yuki is rambunctious and fearless (except when Kyyo is put with him).

Azrael and Princess are chasing each other through the house from time to time now and I do catch them sleeping on my bed close to each other but not cuddling. Azrael had a pissfest last week when Humanling took out the bubbles and started blowing them. Princess just looked so absolutely adorable swatting them with her little Persian paw. We never see this side of her. Azrael eventually had it up to *here* with the cuteness and pounced on her.

Humanling's dad is in a spot of trouble for sure. He has been charged with assault in the first degree. He gave me the story and it sounds as though it was self-defense for a friend but I am told by someone else that he has very little chance of getting out of this. Apparently, outside of a bar some Iraq vets and Cavey's friend (we'll call him Scott Fargus), Scott were in an ugly verbiage. Cavey basically said to Scott, Come on, let's just go home. But then the Vets called them "old" and really, Scott can't back down ever. Never does. Problems ensued, Scott was held down and repeatedly tasered in the Hoo Hahs and Cavey had no choice but to do whatever it was that he had to in order to stop it. The next step was advanced violence on Cavey's part to get the guys off Scott and apparently Cavey is the only one who was arrested. He came to my house, drink in hand. When I say drink. I mean like an open glass that you would walk around your house with or what your friend's mom gave you when you visited. A drinking glass. It had an orange soda and alcohol in it. I don't know who drove him or allowed it in the car, but he got here and sobbed when he got to the part of what he had done. It's possible that he will be gone for quite some time but we'll have to see because somehow that guy is greased and slips out of many things.

And now, for a nice bit of happening. Today is May 2nd, that day 13 years ago that I fell completely for a guy and we'd never been able to fully make it work, no matter how good it felt. Much of it I believe is my own issue but at the same time, I don't believe where we are now is possible without any of it. But with time and determination and genuine feelings, we've decided its time to make it all worthwhile. I'm a-changing his name on here too. It used to be :doot: but now it's gonna be El. El as in L as in Lobster. We're getting married this summer in NYC! We're looking at July 25th right now as the date. His mom will be here from Brazil and I think she's never been here before. He also hasn't seen his family in over a decade so we coincided the wedding with the visit.

So now we are getting things together for this July and it isn't a whole lot of time, but its time enough. A good Virgo & Scorpio team we are and this is our first working project!

My mom would love us to do it in CT but she just is paranoid of getting lost in Manhattan. The woman grew up in Brooklyn. But I can understand her fear. We're pretty sure everyone will get there juuuuust fine.

So Alan, I might be in the neighborhood more than I was. We were down there, Humanling and I a couple of weeks ago. Humanling had a seizure though (probably out of too much sun exposure and excitement and lack of sleep) the morning of going down (but she is fine when its over and her day is to continue as usual unless she's really tired) and then on the train ride back when I went to wake her to get off the train. Humanling's seizures are always upon waking when they occur. I've been lucky to be a part of some good yahoo groups and am learning from another person or two's experience. For this train trip I had some very very nice young guys carry Humanling off during the tail end of the seizure because that was our stop and I had our bags too.

Epilepsy is a tricky thing. Very delicate to handle sometimes. And when things are going well for months with no seizures, I slip into a comfort zone and that's when it will happen again. She always needs enough sleep, not too much sun or excitement and high protein/fat, lower carbs it seems. It's all trial and error. But I'm grateful that it is what it is. I've heard horror stories from other parents and I will take our hand, thank you.

It does indeed feel like coffee time now. I must get the homestead cleaned up for the date with my Virgoian fiance later to celebrate a whole new world that opened up 13 years ago.

A big hug for everyone and I hope you all have a beautiful and inspiring weekend!

x0x0

Can I Just Take the Extra Hour From Work Tomorrow To Not Vacuum?

Who had beautiful weather today??? Today had on its GOOD makeup! We wore light sweaters if we even needed that.

I should be sitting down with my jewelry and creating some things for the next three upcoming shows....BUT...I've chosen to do dishes, laundry and everything in between. Ever do that? You have something to tend to and suddenly you don't mind doing the litter box? I love making jewelry but as many folks who do crafts know, lots of little pieces and *things* and they're not always in the best organization. Making something requires opening all the containers and pulling out all the components. It has been started. And then Humanling's hungry buzzer went off and I had to go be all mom and stuff.

She's having those mung bean things again. How could I make jewelry while my small motor skills were all messed up from shuddering?

*Important Note*

This week we are having a healer on our show. This is a call in show and if you would like to speak with Glen Philips, it would be a great time to call in. He is also an animal communicator. Our call in number is (646) 716-5953 and this show is on March 11th at 5:30 EST for one hour.

Both my co-host and I have had healing sessions with Glen previously. Mine was over a year ago. He is just so wonderful and gentle and is an empath. He knew I was thirsty because he was thirsty.

But back to other personal items. We have a new family member! I'd take a photo of her but the camera doesn't turn corners or act as a downward periscope. We are the second home for Princess, a 4 1/2 year old indoor cat. She came from a great home but they have three children, all under the age of seven. The mom felt it best that she go somewhere where she may have more attention.

So she is here, under the furthest corner of my bed, nearly folded in thirds to keep herself safe. Az the Demon has only had the pleasure of sniffing under the door. We're hoping that Miss Princess will come check us out tonight during the night. Humanling is sad that she can't touch her yet. Although as an adult, we know these things better, we know that the frightened animal will come out, we still feel sad for their insecurity. I gave her former owner a baggie full of coconut hershey kisses for his sad kids. And oh yes they did...they made coconut filled kisses. They are amazing. And I'm not a huge wax chocolate fan.

In other news, the economy seems alive and well in my neck of the woods. On our walk this morning, there was a roll of sushi on the ground. See people?! We have money. We can buy sushi and throw it around like confetti around here!

Things are lowtide in guyville. Single dad has emailed me every day, and we do have a good repoire. I'm just a Princess hiding in the furthermost corner under the bed when it comes to relationships. He's asked me for the Saturday night slot to check out a comedy club. I miiight, Rabbit...I might....

That would involve babysitters though. I usually don't have an army of them hanging around...especially people who know the food code.

Capricorn has been hovering over/flirting with his friend's wives on Facebook and enjoying his new spot at work with new faces around him. I do notice the sudden increase in time spent around certain desks and well, that's ok. We're free agents. The constant need for all this attention and ego stroking does nothing for me though and doesn't have me running in his direction. I mean we all like attention, but you haven't seen THIS. Well, you probably have in someone else.

After asking me to hang out over and over ( I usually decline because I like to try and get things done - read up for the upcoming shows, research ideas for new shows, meditate, stay connected with God - God and I are SO gonna be BFF's, do the jewelry, look for new shows and oh yeah...feed and raise that humanic animal that calls me 'mom') he finally asks for a moment of my time at work. What I have to briefly say here, is that I actually have two jobs at work. I was a guinea pig a year and a half ago to test out people covering two positions. I'm always busy for the most part. He seems to float around like a tumbleweed for a good part of the day, coffee cup in hand, talking to the womens. I don't actually know what he does. And I've asked. I just don't get a straight answer.

So all that said, he comes to my desk and asks if he can walk me to my car when I leave. That would be fine but he wants to *talk*. I dash out of there on a strict schedule to come home, boot up the laptop and get my butt outside to welcome the Ling home off the schoolbus.

I tell him that he has to stop talking as soon as I get to my car if that's the case because I have a schedule. He gets sorta Eh with me and I'm Eh with him but as we're walking, he goes back to his desk, so I simply say I'll email him later.

When I finally get to my car, I turn around and there he is. He had to have run partially to get to where he was. There are tears in his eyes and he says he feels like crying and that he can't take it anymore.

I can't speak Crumb so I'm not sure exactly what they feel like but I'm pretty sure I was experiencing the emotions of a crumb. I felt really bad for him and that I somehow had something to do with this. I said we'd figure out when to talk since he said he had so much to say.

He came over later on and he did bring with him a wonderful vacuum cleaner of his that he didn't want and had hardly used. My house is 100% looking hot since getting sucked.

He started to talk but then said he forgot all of what he wanted to say. This is kinda how things go with him. And he's a guy who writes things down all the time. Normally he would have a 3rd draft with him and read off of it. So I don't know what that's all about.

And I knew he would be up in arms about Princess so I didn't tell him until Friday. I knew he would say to me "you already have enough to do, you don't have time as it is, blah blah blah".

This is why I don't do the relationship thing with him. We don't think alike mostly ever. I am grateful for this awesome vacuum cleaner and did offer money for it. I just don't know what this person sees for potential with us. It's just very odd for him to say these deep and heartfelt things and then he makes passes at the wives. I'm no prude and I believe in flirting but I probably wouldn't hit up my friend's hubbies on a social network and instigate.

So pluh.

We're trying hard to downsize here in the apartment since it gets cluttered fast. I keep trying to tell myself that as we went to the Goodwill and bought a few things. I can't help it - the shoes are such a steal!!! And I got this KILLA spring dress! Even the check out ladies were hatin'....in a nice way of course. I am a paying customer, after all. Humanling hated me for three stretches of a nanosecond because I refused to buy her a lava lamp that didn't bounce.

New shoes, vacuumed house, beautiful day.

And if anyone needs a little healing work or wants to discuss their animal, call us this Wednesday!

The Forces of Az

Right before delving into my veggies after the Tiger Lilly incident, I consulted with Google regarding the potential toxicity of Tiger Lillies and their pollen. Apparently, Wikipedia has heard me -

While most parts of the plant are edible for humans, the pollen is considered poisonous. All parts of the plant are toxic to cats, resulting in kidney failure in a few days after eating it.

Well this sort of frightens me. I had them away from the cat, however, kitty was near the flowers somehow while I slept one night because I saw the pollen on her back.

This set me off terribly. When I freak out, what you see is a normal person, talking calmly and plugging in numbers, balancing checks. My insides however started to rot and break down.

Freaking out protocol involves emailing the circle of friends who never fail to Kiss the Boo Boo and Make it Mostly Better. That would be my wonderful friend in California who we call Auntie Mame, my local wonderful friend Organic and I emailed the giver of the homicidal pistils and staimins. Next Time, make it Roses, I said to him.

Now this is the cat who is basically the most annoying thing in my life. The bane of my existence. I have gotten sore throats yelling at her to get off the table, off the guinea pig cage (where she Lords over the poor little guy and swats at him, sending him wheeting into his wooden shelter) and to get away from the plants. I can't stand her most of the time. But. I'd NEVER get rid of her. She is family.

She tears through the house like a Budweiser Clydesdale on fire, for no humanly visible reason. She slithers around corners and targets open cups of water. I admit, there are times I chase her out of boredom just to see her do the rainbow arch with her back - I like to gage the moment she goes from arch into Dash!

She's a jerk, like a human. But she comes back after all the teasing and yelling with a love that is beyond human and she comes over deliberately and puts one paw out on my arm. It's all very direct, very much from her soul by using her eyes.

I called the vet in my contained panic and basically was told to watch and wait. Which is the definition of Doom. Doom never just suddenly hits - WHAM! Doom is an impending event. Something that eats you alive as you think about all of its faces and variables.

When I walked into the house that day, I called for my Wizard of Az and she came immediately, reporting for duty, SIR. That's Az. Forgives it all, thinks its always getting better. And acting perfectly fine. The cat is Rasputin.

The next morning as she did the morning tussle between my feet as I tried to walk into the kitchen, I only mock hated her as I fell against the wall, happy that I still have the cat who thinks she's a Reindeer, named Dasher.

Heard from the Living Room Floor

Humanling sits during a hiatus from house cleaning (of which she has merely moved a set of balloons from the room). The sound of Whiskered Satan's claws tackling the screens in the open window starts to grate on the nerves of anyone who has to live with her.

Handling it no more, she bursts.

"GEEZ AZRAEL!!!!!! Does she have to do EVERYTHING??!!!!!!!!"

And then, fluffing her aura back in place and adjusting her tipped halo...

"I'm trying to play solitare."

Half of All Cat Food is Wasted

In my house.

Because I am the definition of Insanity (doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results), THIS happens a number of times per week.

Azrael's food is right in the path of where the pantry is. If you ask me why its right THERE, I won't have a good answer. I switch it up sometimes and move it over slightly but moving from stove to pantry frequently causes me to gear up and kick it swiftly, knocking the dry bits out once it hits the gate at full velocity.

I'm not sure what I will try to fix first....cutting down the acid in my diet (i.e. the extra caffeine that I honor a rung below God) or cat food feng shui.

Animal Wrongs (aka WTF, Cat?!)

It's another OCD dinner night. Humanling and I walked back from the library (why do people stare? Is it the scarves & mittens? Are we a bit anxious to acclimate to the season's dressings?). It's time for a light dinner.

Eggs? Sure.....

until I stick them in the bowl of water and then one end bobs back up. So are they bad if the WHOLE egg floats or if one end bobs back up? I don't know and my laptop was walking in bitch tracks so there was no easy access. My mother, the Non Beets Maker (who claims that she did - but she also uses a fry daddy so I don't trust that kind of propaganda) would probably just sigh and chalk up yet one more odd thing of mine to my father not being around at the right times. So I didn't call her. She has courage. Just opens the egg carton, CRACK, cook, done.

Not me. I pull out the bright lights to look for cracks, the bowl of water that gives tinier cracks away and tells me if they float. Or sort of float.

I put the eggs back. I wasn't sure and didn't want to throw out probable eggular innocense.

I ended up making gluten free, grilled soy cheeses. With a side of salted ketchup. (How is my blood pressure 98/60? Must be all the eggs I put back in the fridge.)

That worked out well. I then put our little display of triangle and square finger sandwiches out.

And then SHE walked by. The Devil with the bumper car antenna that sticks up in the air scraping along the side of the plate as she walked by. I can still hear the sound - Sccccrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Well half of the plate was still good. I gave that to Humanling. My throat still hurts from yellling at the devil. It's not enough that I shovel her offenses to the olfactory world into the garbage constantly. Or feed her. Or trip over her because she thinks my every move is another can of cat food. She has to completely ruin a dinner that she wouldn't even eat!

Well, let me tell you. Her plan was ALL IN VAIN. Because I'm not rushing to the cabinet for the soft Psssssh! of a cat food can opening. She has food and water and I see her Scccrreeeeeeeee and raise her an absence of a Pssssssssh!

My Clairvoyance is ON

My cat's name - Azrael.

The Thing that I've been taking care of for the last four years. The being that has me yelling more sailor nouns, verbs & adjectives put together than any arty production ever produced. The clear winner in Who Gets Yelled at More - Her or Humanling.

The cat that drives me insane, makes me hurl cups of water at myself from odd angles, sits her furry arse anywhere and on anything that she wants and spends her whole entire nightly existence zipping around the house like a fool.

I'm talking to my coffee guy out in the back of my place this morning and he mentions to me that Azrael means something. Something that I didn't know. Makes perfect sense now. I probably better be nice to her now.

Azrael
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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This article is about the angel of death. For other uses, see Azriel.

Artistic depiction of the angel of death
Azrael (angel of death) is the archangel of death. It is an English form of the Arabic name Azra'il or Azra'eil (عزرایل), the name traditionally attributed to the angel of death in Islam and some Hebrew lore.[1] The Qur'an never uses this name, referring instead to Malaikat al-Maut (which translates directly as angels of death; not one angel). Since it is not mentioned either in the Qur'an nor Hadith, it is not part of the religion. It is thought by some to be legendary or adapted from other religions. It is also spelled Izrail, Izrael, Azrail, Ezraeil, Azraille, or Ozryel. Chambers English dictionary uses the spelling Azrael. The name literally means Whom God Helps.[1]
Contents[hide]
1 Background
2 In art and literature
3 See also
4 References
5 External links
//

[edit] Background
Although some sources have speculated about a connection between Azrael and the human priest Ezra,[2] he is generally depicted as an archangel whose history long predates this figure.[3] Rather than merely representing death personified, Azrael is usually described in Islamic sources as subordinate to the will of God "with the most profound reverence."[4] In Jewish mysticism he is identified as the embodiment of evil, not necessarily or specifically death itself.[1] Depending on the outlook and precepts of various religions in which he is a figure, Azrael may be portrayed as residing in the Third Heaven.[5] He has four faces and four thousand wings, and his whole body consists of eyes and tongues, the number of which corresponds to the number of people inhabiting the earth. He will be the last to die, recording and erasing constantly in a large book the names of men at birth and death, respectively.[6]

[edit] In art and literature
Azrael, as both a character or a more abstract concept has been adopted by many different artists, musicians, poets, and authors over the centuries to express or evoke a variety of different meanings or emotions in the reader – often drawing on the cultural resonance of the name for effect.

Depiction of Azrael by Mikhail Vrubel
In literature, Azrael has been featured by a variety of authors, across a broad range of styles and countries. Recently in the West, he has been written about by Terry Pratchett in both Reaper Man and Good Omens, the latter coauthored by Neil Gaiman and as the main character in Anne Rice's "Servant of the Bones." He also forms part of the underworld pantheon in the Dragon King series by Stephen Lawhead. Philip Pullman's Lord Asriel from The Golden Compass might also be an allegory for Azrael. The playwright Arthur Miller wrote in Azrael as a character in "The Creation of Life and Other Business", while the Mexican poet Amado Nervo wrote a poem entitled Azrael. The character has even found a place in popular culture – emerging as a costumed superhero named Azrael in the fictional Batman universe, and in the French graphic novel "Poulet aux prunes". He even formed the title of the CSI: NY episode "Here's To You, Mrs. Azrael", featuring a homicidal mother. Also, he appeared as a character played by Jason Lee in the Kevin Smith movie Dogma though in a vastly different interpretation, as a fallen muse and demon, rather an angelic assassin. In music, Azrael has been written about in both songs and albums by such varied acts as Demons & Wizards, Coil, The Nice, Crimson Glory and VNV Nation – classically, Asrael is a symphony by Czech composer Josef Suk, dating from 1906. In the comic book genre, writer Marc Guggenheim wrote Azrael as the warrior/angel of death whom Wolverine has to fight every time he suffers a lethal wound in order to save his soul, which is returned to his physical body if he is victorious.[7]. It is also the name of the Wizard Gargamel's cat in the cartoon The Smurfs and the name of the leader of the fictional chapter of Space Marines from Games Workshop known as the Dark Angels. The Swedish black metal band Marduk named one of their songs Azrael, on their album La Grande Danse Macabre. The name also features in the 1996 PC game Azrael's Tear; the game also featured a specific Biblical quote relating to Azrael's function as Angel of Death.

**And Yes, she does guard organic vanilla body cream rather well, doesn't she?

The What Happened!???! (without Mark Wahlberg)

I got issues. You knew that. Perhaps you are even reading this to make your own issues look like actions of normalcy. I love my horrible animal, Azrael. Oh yeah, she looks real cute up there, huh. But unlike the guinea pig and the hermit crabs, she is mobile, all of the time. Much to my disgust and constant protest, she is now blatantly being all leisurely about sitting her furry arse on the kitchen table. She can cruise the house stealthily, without so much as a click of a claw at times. She hates her water bowl. Probably because she can't tip it over and ruin my hour when I step in it with a clean, dry sock. Also because, it has a very straight up purpose of being her very own ration of water in her very own bowl to put her curious face in whenever she wants to. She'd rather lurk about instead, waiting for a chance to hover over any open cup of water that I might leave out. I wouldn't even trust for her a second if I walked out of the room and my cup was in another zip code. Her face would be in it sure as I saw one of my co-workers clutching a rubik's cube as he walked around today. And no, it wasn't my imagination. And it wasn't 1981.

So I get a Cup O'Tap yesterday and decide to put it in the kitchen cabinet to keep it safe so that I can walk the house and do chores without having to cradle the cup to me bosoms to keep the Feline Face with special guests, E.coli Paws, out of it. (She's an indoor Mew, therefore in my opinion, when a litter box is introduced as a prop, all cats have enchanted E.coli'd paws).

Anyone see the Happening with Mark Wahlberg? I generally, in most moon phases and civilizations, heart Mr. M'ky Mark's acting skillz. In this movie, without giving the whole booty away for free, basically *something* happens that causes people to suddenly become confused, stop what they are doing, sometimes walk backwards, and then under a complete and utterly savage compulsion, kill themselves as soon as possible. Usually in less time than it takes to open the wrapper to a Drumstick ice cream.

Today I go into the cabinet to grab a cup for Humanling's Quench Request, and it looked like a moment from The Happening. I was on mom duty auto pilot. I opened the door and saw a cup higher than my head (I'm big enough to get on rides but small enough for someone to pick up and walk off with) and trance like, grabbed for it. If this were caught on camera, you'd see what appears to be quite a self aggressive throw of a full cup of water all over myself, as if it were acid. (hey, if they had shown enough ways to die and got creative about it besides being all pro-innate the way they did - walking off buildings, slamming yourself into a tree, or dashing through a window, they very well could have done a cup of acid from the cabinet shot.)

And then CUT! I'M AWAKE! Water, all over my clothes and my brain is firing all kinds of immediate and to the point punctuation to figure out why this is so.

(Said in Newman Speak) - Azrael!

And yet five seconds later I am still standing there like a statue, cup in hand, standing in a pool of water. Damn cat has so far added about 600 extra hours of chores to my life in the last four years. But that's what happens when you try to tame the Devil as he mates with a Tornado.

Someday though, that cat is gonna trip just the right person for me. And it will all be worth it.

Karamel Kitten Kream

Humanling: What kind of ice cream do we have?

Me: Vanilla

{cat is clawing and scratching the hell out of chair at this time}

HL: What other kind do we have?

Me: Azrael. We have Azrael flavored ice cream because I am going to kill her.

*Dear PETA and animal rights activists - Yep, me too. Kidding. We're clear?

Hangers Rule Which Country, Again?

Do you ever just hear talking and realize that its you? Especially if there isn't another qualifying being around to answer you?

I was clearing hangers off the bed tonight (In lieu of Mother's Day, mine are not Wire Hangers). We recently moved here so there won't be any sense as to what is where for now. I took about 40 hangers out of the kitchen today and threw them on my bed, only to have to throw them somewhere else, hours later.

The evil animal who uses a pink litterbox was lurking around, trying to get a suckerpaw into the guinea pig cage. I don't remember thinking too much about it but suddenly I went into cult mode and started auto-talking.

"You are angering the Hangers, Cat. The Hangers don't like cats who knock over their food dish all the time. " I probably had a 3rd or 4th sentence in there before actually hearing myself.

Do hangers hate? And if they hate cats, have they been cited by PETA as a threat, complete with hidden camera video and Action Alert for all to sign?