aMuse Me

This morning I heard a great number of birds squawking about. Upon glancing out of the window, I saw heaps and heaps of black starlings flying into our trees. It looked to be 100-200 of them. They hung out briefly until I opened the door to throw them a piece of bread. I immediately stopped throwing bits down when I realized that it was moldy.

*

I kissed my lover's mouth before going out for a walk in the chilly dusk. He tasted like a room with a cozy, warm fireplace.
*
I came back from my walk and let him know that should I die and someone shows up at my funeral to protest something or disrupt, I have a wish. My postmortem orders are to take the loudest, most disruptive person (should one show up) and throw him in the coffin, face down on top of me. Then slam the lid shut.

Let the person out after a few minutes of course. But maybe make them sweat it out a bit, maybe make them sing a few bars of my favorite Ella Fitzgerald song first or yell through the muffled wood what sign they are. They can get out a minute sooner if they know their moon and rising sign.
*
Honey is trying to close a window on his computer for a Root Mash recipe. He clicks a few times and eventually the sleepy computer catches up on it’s To Do list and shuts down all of his windows. He notes this and then says “Whatever” while getting up to finish making dinner. I said “You just Whatever’d your computer.” He stops for a moment and says “Yes I did.”

*
As I read a simple Buddhism for kids level book to my Humanling as she’s falling asleep, her fluffy white thing of a cat perches on the trunk next to the bed. The fluffy white thing loves my girl more than everything else and waits for her at night, sitting patiently upstairs, waiting for Humanling to finish Whatever It Is and go to the shared space of the bed. Or as we say, “Your ride is here.” The fluffy white thing sees that as I am reading the story, I am also an obstacle blocking the path to a united destiny of cat and human. Kitty looks at my how close Humanling is and then to see how wide the human river of me is that she has to cross.

When I left my mate for a couple of days due to our addiction to bad patterns in disagreements, he sent me an email, among many others, that burst the dam of emotion I was feeling. I stood at work, reading that the cat who hadn’t seen her human in 2 and a half days, had been crying desperately at 4am, looking for her. That finally, my mate, who loves animals but this one is the least favorite in the house. She is quite the long hair, which equates to puffs of hair floating about and the occasional old turd that got stuck in her backside, concealed by all the fur but that eventually found freedom among the floorboards.

He felt so bad for her crying that he called her to come sleep in the bed with the dog and himself. And finicky girl that she is, she actually climbed in.

Reading about Miss Kitty’s heartbreak added 2 more tons of heartbreak to my already broken heart of missing being home with my mate. I cried for the next couple of hours at my desk, crumpled Kleenex piling high in the trash bin.
And took half day and went back home to him.

*
We watched Michelle Bachman speak on one of those nightly MSNBC shows. There is something about her that COULD be so pretty. But when I look into her blue eyes I am really seeing evil skeletor.

*
During my walk tonight I noticed that I’d nearly caught up to a figure up ahead. Eventually she crossed into someone’s driveway, away from the house and into the woods. As far as I know, that direction doesn’t lead to anything that anyone would go to because then it opens into a huge, sprawling field. I would have looked at her some more as I was passing her but that would have been so shady.

For the rest of the night, she has been a mystery for me. A creepy, paranormal mystery.

The Mind of March 2nd

Random musings…

The smell of the office when I walk in ….

Coffee
Toasted bagels
Maple syrup

*
I sat in the car this morning scanning my ride to death as usual with the radio stations. Broccoli Spears was on with her newest “Hold it Against Me”. I muttered “this song is so dumb” and hit scan again. That’s right Brittany….a 41 year old mother who works at a pharma company, has the nerve to say your song is dumb and turn it onto something else in favor like Lady Gaga or Chris Brown. Because really, who am I?

*

A day was spent yesterday in negative energy….not the best for the mate and I. A series of jabs, ducks and reach outs. Eventually it was time to crawl into bed. Sometimes it’s best to make up without words. Words can be beautiful, words can be dangerous, words can begin and end major events.

I communicated to him with all that my body had to offer and right before giving in, he said “You can’t pick on me all day and then just be up against me.” I laughed and proceeded. It sounded like a green light to me.

And today is the beautiful aftermath.

*

My 12 year old gorgeously blossoming Humanling told me this morning that she received a note from the boy she danced with at the Valentine’s Day dance. It said she was annoying with her belching. I told her that boys usually don’t write to a girl unless they like them. At least if the rules carry over from the 1980s.

*

When being friendly with your beloved, do not watch a Charlie Sheen interview and then mention that his angry eyes look eerily exact to your beloved’s when he is angry. It causes problems.

*

It's going to be a day of magickal saturation. Spring is close, whether the mercury says so or not. The weather will eventually glimpse at the calendar and we will all be gloriously surrounded with fresh, raw scents of earth, flowers and enthusiasm.

Wet Noodles are Not Amusable aka The Finger Poem

I have one cold finger on my right hand.

I am asked….Why – where did you have it?

Well of course, with the other fingers on that hand, silly!

And were you doing anything different with it?

No, but isn’t that funny?!?!?!?!

No. Not really.

Seeing the Beginning of Truth

I am not a dainty eater. Nor am I walking in my mother's footsteps....causing the occupants of a restaurant table to pay a rent fee for the length of time it will take to finish a meal. If you put in The Godfather when my mom picks up her fork for the first bite of a meal, you are guaranteed to see the credits, outtakes, bloopers and tour of Marlon Brando's gravesite before she is done.
I just sloppily finished my bagel while at work. Today's an incredibly special day in Corporate America. We get to wear JEANS!!!! Yes! In this economy, in this job market, there are still perks on the job. It is File Cleanup day and we are stoked in advance with an email that reminds us that YES! We CAN wear jeans!! I'm personally waiting for the day when they transition us to bib overalls in order to complete my shredding, recycling and cleaning experience.
In the midst of extracting the last 10 years full of ghosts of accomplishments and old procedures, I find that my OCD hasn't been up to par since last summer. I should be freaking out about this much OLD stuff. There must be tons of dust and bacteria in the corners of these drawers or that baggie of pumpkin seeds that I found from over a year ago when I must have been on another health kick.
Wow, a year ago. Pause for a moment to remember who we were a year ago.

Are you done yet?

I'm still thinking.

I was very different. Or my life was. Me and the Humanling. I didn't have a mate. I lived a very different life....in the center of a quaint town where walking anywhere we needed to go was taken advantage of. We walked frequently to the coffee shop, spent many nights in the library or just walking the town. I certainly do walk where I am now...only I bring along some carrot or apple for the horses that I'll pass. I scout the ground for my favorite type of kindling - smooth, dry and snaps when I touch it with the aura of my pinky. I look like such a hick (sorry, self proclaimed hicks. I feel like the Geico Caveman ad now....) when I find a long branch, pull over to the side of the road, lean it up on the bumper of the jeep and crash my foot down to bust it up into bite sized pieces for the fire . Ha - I even bought my very first maul to keep in the back of the car this past weekend at Tractor Supply. Yes.....I really did. With my own money, not a gift card.

My beau is currently in between hip surgeries. This has left us in a mutual virginal situation. He's never had to be cared for in this kind of way, with the woman taking over the entire home, people and animal duties and I've never had this extension of the caretaking duties. Or rather, in my first marriage, Humanling's dad was frequently out of work and not incredibly dependable as far as cleaning house and not getting himself into a 12 pack with his friends during the day. As a prior single mom, yes, I did plenty of caretaking but only for me and the Humanling and the small zoo. Now throw in a man and a dog. It doesn't seem like much and I really can't account for why I can feel even more worn down with one more human and animal in the mix.

I give a lot of credit to you dog owners. That's a labor of love right there. I am a cat girl. Get Cat. Put Cat in House. Feed. Change Litter. Pat pat pat. Watch it walk off after giving the Warning Glare during petting when fill has been reached. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeasy! Dogs.....that's a new shape and texture for me. I'm not used to having an extra set of eyes staring at me while I eat. Or the sound that has become the bane of my existence every evening - male dog genital slurping. Awful. Just awful. God created this sound specifically to keep me from getting too comfortable. They say that what irks you is something you need to work on, therefore I am forced to meet my lessons every day. Yes, I know that cats do it too.....but their tongues are smaller and the noise factor is greatly diminished. Plus I have girl cats so they aren't trying to swallow their appendages on a regular basis.

I have found that I am a different person in a relationship than alone. But isn't that like saying when I'm in water, I'm wet? How obvious! PLEASE! Don't bore people! But really....think about one relationship to another to being alone....how different we can be in all of these things. Maybe what's really important is the Why. Why are we different? Why are we every women? Why is it all in me? Hahaha. Sorry. Now the song is stuck in my head and will hopefully be dismissed as soon as I get into my car and head home.

But why with one person, be secure and laid back, while suddenly having epic attacks of the obsessive kind about tons of things? Or when alone, some people crumble and some are having the best time? For me I find that when alone, I am usually all about embracing positive change, transformation, progression. When in a relationship, I can start to put too much emphasis on finding out what makes the other person tick, what makes them happy and how to work with that. Why is that so bad? Well...its not. However, all things in moderation. If you find yourself all about making the other person happy, and you happen to have a person who also believes in making sure they are happy, then that guy is a lucky dude! Until the woman realizes that she's lost herself in it. Ooooo....ewwwwww.....uncomfortable topics. Resentment, passive aggressive behavior, commanding telepathy instead of communication...none of this is productive, and if it is, it won't be for long unless the pair has no issue being unhappy and kept in emotional check.
I will admit that my partner and I have only been together for seven months and two things go with that - a) we have had a few doozies of arguments and b) we are both looking toward the future together. I can't speak for him, but I'm learning who he is as opposed to the big collective grouping that involves all my past experiences, expectations and reactions. It seems like he started off the same way. And after our last mushroom cloud of an event, we decided that it can't happen that way anymore. We have to be honest - and gentle - but honest. I don't like to admit bad moods when they hit. But now if one of us feels a creeper of a mood, we just say it. I don't like admitting that now I seem to experience mood issues that orbit my cycle. That never used to be an issue. I also know that my body changes with each partner. So now instead of trying to hold it in and hold up a paper plate smiley face to block my scowl, I go to my beloved and just say basically, Welp, we're embarking on that week now. We both know what that means. Best as I can try to keep myself together, I will. But if there isn't a time to bring up suggestive hints on how I can better myself or how I do things, this will be the week that the tongue should be postponed. The moon will wane, my canines and incisors will slide back into their rightful shape and place.

***Quick note to those who work in offices around other people.......There is no reason to snap your fingers and clap your hands for the duration every time you get out of your seat and walk around. The annoyance factor is off the charts.***
Back to our program.

I've been through 2 marriages and a basketful of meaningful/less relationships and thought I'd learned a lot. And I did! But now its taking those results and applying them here. This for me is one of the biggest learning relationships. That's not a bad thing at all - in fact, its actually liberating. It's not necessarily my partner that I am being forced to look at. It's me. And for some reason, it's sort of a relief. It means that I can try to identify my issues, work on them and hopefully, eventually, wipe them off the map! Or at least pencil them in rather than have them solidified in Sharpie. That's what this relationship is bringing to me and to him too. I'm looking forward to figuring it out and feeling free from my own restraints. Think I'll go make a pot of coffee now and celebrate!

Ditch Day

I love ditching. At my place of employement, we are extremely lucky to give a heads up that we want a day off without having to explain ourselves. We're given a ration of days to use for the whole year to cover the gamut of reasons.

I took today off because I received one of those disgusting grid-like listings in the mail that tells me I need to show up for court. Old life and good intentions vs The Bank for a foreclosure-like episode. I currently live in an apartment that I love. When I was married to Number Two, he couldn't stand how small my former apartment was and we needed room for all his music equipment so that we could try to make him happy. Wah. It took six months to buy this particular home, and when we did, he walked out of it 2 months after the first mortgage payment was made. How fast can you spell F**cked?

The divorce itself has been over since last September but his lawyer said that in the divorce language I needed to agree to go bankrupt if the house foreclosed. A rock and a hard place. Both embroidered with broken glass and barbed wire fences.

As of last Friday I was told to go this morning to court to let "them" know that there is a short sale that is pending. As far as I know, Number Two gets information and tells me nothing. I find out something small and then have to make a string of phone calls. But anyhoo, enough about him, this blog is not a forum to add his energy to.

So after wanting to blow the whole thing off and not show, I decided I should definitely go. I dressed Court Like (my Jester hat was a silly/sultry hybrid). The parking was all filled up and I had to park 2 streets away and walk. This is where my books come in handy. Since I can read and walk at the same time, I did. Something told me that I wanted to walk on the other side of the street, where I lived as a child and see what the neighborhood felt like but I didn't. The rational side took over and assessed all nerd-like that the courthouse would be easier to cross over to if I stayed on the current side.

As I was reading, it was like a be-be hit my lapel and bounced off, smacking the page of the book that I was on. It took my mind to register....did someone throw something at me? Did dirt somehow get splashed on me? What the hell.....? My worst fear....seriously - bird crap. AHHHH! I stopped in my tracks because when it comes to bird crap, I'm not versed in it. My mind had to compute what this meant. I started to walk back to my car when I realized that I had napkins in my purse. So I cleaned off the lapel as best as I could and looking at the book page, wasn't sure what to do. So I dragged it across the wet grass. The page is stained and was now sopping wet. I turned around and walked back toward the court house. Cleared security and went straight to the bathroom to scrub. I found out that I was also in the wrong court room (the paper was wrong - I didn't dyslex over the droppings) and found that and settled in. Until a guy asked me what my case was, and then proceeded to tell me that it was not going forward. Gah! Would it kill someone to contact me with this? So I am glad that I'm not sitting in a court room all day and have some free time.

I went to Borders for a bit to read my own books and get questions ready for this week's guest. I saw a beautiful girl there with a glass pot of brewed tea and a steaming cup beside her as she worked. Her skin was flawless. Or compared to mine it was. I have all this uneven tone and just by eating I can turn even better colors. Caffeine, gluten, dairy.....all bring my face to a nice funky pinkish/red on my cheeks. Beauty sells I tell you. When I left there I found myself in the mood for a nice cup of tea that wasn't caffeinated. So I stopped into the local healthfood store and found orange tea. It looks and sounds a lot more exotic than that but I've simplified it a bit here.

I just saw an email from my library telling me that the crapped on book is due. I'll be more than happy to bring it back after it dries.

I had a fabulous weekend with El...we celebrated the 13th anniversary of our first date. We went out all dately dressed for falafel & hummus. Then we trekked over to an outdoor seating arrangement where we could take in the night time and a martini. From there we drove to a park but my first selection was so advanced dark that I was too spooked. My second choice was a good one and I laid down a cloth for us to sit, lit a candle and pulled out a radio with a pre-made CD of songs to slow dance to. Not stupid songs. Not even modern songs actually....most of them were all old jazz standards. I handed him red & white ribbon to tie as high as he could to the tree and we turned it into a Maypole. Then we sat down for these awesome gluten free cupcakes from Babycakes in NYC. A very nice night indeed.

The frog you see up there comes from this story. At the party store where I picked up the ribbon, I saw this tiny little frog toy. I pulled it out when El, Humanling and I went hiking on Sunday. I busied him with a camera and then quickly put the frog on the ground and then exclaimed quietly for him to look at my find. This photo is the one he took of the frog that he thought existed. I warned him to be shhhhhh and don't scare it. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Poor El. Then I smacked my hand down on it forcefully and told him it was a fake. I now need an angel over my shoulder....he's got a lifetime to get me back. Who knows when....or where!!!

Happy Belated Beltane!

Hello everyone - everytime I'm away from the Bloggersphere I miss you guys terribly. And yet at night, I've mostly been able to get away from the computer by 9:30-10pm. I try to minimize exposure since I work on one all day long. That and sometimes I just feel dull AND scattered. So that's no fun for anyone around me - scattering dullness hither and thither!

I am pre-caffeine at the moment but am ok with that. There is Irish jig music playing in the kitchen to keep the running dishwasher and boiling eggs company. The Electric Company show is playing in here. I'm too lazy to shut one of them off. Or maybe I'd rather write while the moment is lending itself in this way.

The radio show is going wonderfully for us and it does take extra time to work on - probably another reason (ha ha...a BIG reason) why I haven't blogged in so long! Upcoming on our show is a man who's son was murdered in an act of gang violence (his son was not in a gang, he was a pizza delivery boy). Azim Khamisa reached out to his son's 14 year old killer and realized there were victims on both sides of the gun. This man is amazing. He has built a foundation in his son's honor and did what many people think they cannot do. He took his son's death and turned it around to an act of forgiveness so huge - many of us probably have no idea what that feels like. Anyway, if you're interested, he will be on with us this week.

We are excited, it seems we have Martha Stewart's holistic vet, Dr. Shawn coming onto our show (Alan hurry and get a cat!), along with Sherrie Brooks Vinton who wrote Real Food Revival. We'll be having a show on apartment gardening and have tentatively scheduled someone on to discuss the disappearance of the bees. We're not totally sure if she can make it yet as the time difference is huge (she is in England). And of course, I have to mention again, I love Bruce Lipton, he will be on in October.

At the start of this post, the Humanling walked over to me and mentioned that she found a new loose tooth. Before I got to the last paragraph, I was poked on the shoulder so that I could see the bloody tooth, now in her hand. She's so funny. Just couldn't leave it in there. Well I guess this shows me a spot of her determination. And I can be rest assured that her fingers will not be in her mouth out in public, wriggling germs all over it.

Kyyo and Yuki have their two different cages and are beautiful little boys. Very different personalities as Yuki is rambunctious and fearless (except when Kyyo is put with him).

Azrael and Princess are chasing each other through the house from time to time now and I do catch them sleeping on my bed close to each other but not cuddling. Azrael had a pissfest last week when Humanling took out the bubbles and started blowing them. Princess just looked so absolutely adorable swatting them with her little Persian paw. We never see this side of her. Azrael eventually had it up to *here* with the cuteness and pounced on her.

Humanling's dad is in a spot of trouble for sure. He has been charged with assault in the first degree. He gave me the story and it sounds as though it was self-defense for a friend but I am told by someone else that he has very little chance of getting out of this. Apparently, outside of a bar some Iraq vets and Cavey's friend (we'll call him Scott Fargus), Scott were in an ugly verbiage. Cavey basically said to Scott, Come on, let's just go home. But then the Vets called them "old" and really, Scott can't back down ever. Never does. Problems ensued, Scott was held down and repeatedly tasered in the Hoo Hahs and Cavey had no choice but to do whatever it was that he had to in order to stop it. The next step was advanced violence on Cavey's part to get the guys off Scott and apparently Cavey is the only one who was arrested. He came to my house, drink in hand. When I say drink. I mean like an open glass that you would walk around your house with or what your friend's mom gave you when you visited. A drinking glass. It had an orange soda and alcohol in it. I don't know who drove him or allowed it in the car, but he got here and sobbed when he got to the part of what he had done. It's possible that he will be gone for quite some time but we'll have to see because somehow that guy is greased and slips out of many things.

And now, for a nice bit of happening. Today is May 2nd, that day 13 years ago that I fell completely for a guy and we'd never been able to fully make it work, no matter how good it felt. Much of it I believe is my own issue but at the same time, I don't believe where we are now is possible without any of it. But with time and determination and genuine feelings, we've decided its time to make it all worthwhile. I'm a-changing his name on here too. It used to be :doot: but now it's gonna be El. El as in L as in Lobster. We're getting married this summer in NYC! We're looking at July 25th right now as the date. His mom will be here from Brazil and I think she's never been here before. He also hasn't seen his family in over a decade so we coincided the wedding with the visit.

So now we are getting things together for this July and it isn't a whole lot of time, but its time enough. A good Virgo & Scorpio team we are and this is our first working project!

My mom would love us to do it in CT but she just is paranoid of getting lost in Manhattan. The woman grew up in Brooklyn. But I can understand her fear. We're pretty sure everyone will get there juuuuust fine.

So Alan, I might be in the neighborhood more than I was. We were down there, Humanling and I a couple of weeks ago. Humanling had a seizure though (probably out of too much sun exposure and excitement and lack of sleep) the morning of going down (but she is fine when its over and her day is to continue as usual unless she's really tired) and then on the train ride back when I went to wake her to get off the train. Humanling's seizures are always upon waking when they occur. I've been lucky to be a part of some good yahoo groups and am learning from another person or two's experience. For this train trip I had some very very nice young guys carry Humanling off during the tail end of the seizure because that was our stop and I had our bags too.

Epilepsy is a tricky thing. Very delicate to handle sometimes. And when things are going well for months with no seizures, I slip into a comfort zone and that's when it will happen again. She always needs enough sleep, not too much sun or excitement and high protein/fat, lower carbs it seems. It's all trial and error. But I'm grateful that it is what it is. I've heard horror stories from other parents and I will take our hand, thank you.

It does indeed feel like coffee time now. I must get the homestead cleaned up for the date with my Virgoian fiance later to celebrate a whole new world that opened up 13 years ago.

A big hug for everyone and I hope you all have a beautiful and inspiring weekend!

x0x0

Morning Thoughts

Humanling is in school today after a 90 minute delay. I'm having coffee from one of my favorite coffee places and am waiting for the go ahead from one of my teammates that we can move forward with today's work. Signing on early, I already took care of a bunch of stuff and have the luxury of a few quiet moments.



"Quiet moments" are composed of the following molecules :



~Regis Philbin learning to walk in home (sorry peeps, I heart Regis, I don't even care that he dyed his hair a la Dick Clark. Ok actually I do care - the gray was quite handsome)



~Two tiny snowflakes outside my window flirting, doing a mating dance around each other, alternately fleeing and chasing.



~Their dance called the rest of the colony and now its snowing.



~The mute button on my remote - when Regis & Kelly go to commecial, I am previewing mantra music on Amazon.



~Hearing the book cart outside being rolled to the front of the bookstore for passerby to browse through. With the salt and ice on the ground, the cart is more vocal than it usually is.



~And at this point, only the tried and true precipitation couples are still together, chasing, falling. The snow has lightened up from the infatuation phase.



******



I am left to think about some things that I wrote yesterday. Stepping back from men and their glorious attributes, gifts, challenging and fufilling energies helps me to think more. Is over analyzing a bad thing though? Look at the first four letters in analyze.



I love the male energy, but wax and wane.....too much of a good thing can quicken one's pace to get to the running shoes. I'm alone today without co-workers, without my Ling home with me (they were off school yesterday and have I ever mentioned that her business card someday will read Chatterbox Extraordinaire?). I feel like its the first time that I've had in a few weeks to just Be. No complaints though - I have enjoyed my energies swirling in the mix, be it with my little dime (Humanling turned 10 this week), my interactions with Organic, or with the various energies beyond the Send button.



Content deep breath......a tree has fallen but I'm the only one who hears it get back up.

I Saw Mama Kissing my Kindegarten Teacher

It was during this time frame one year that my little Ling was going to a pretty cool nursery school. One with a swimming pool year round and a pony ride once a week. And it was affordable for even me.

The staff was young. Amongst the women caring for my HL during the day was also a guy. He was somewhere near 23, an Aquarian, me being ten years older. He also had this killer Australian accent.

I managed to discreetly nab this boy's attention and we had a very colorful athletic team between the two of us. We had decent conversations, yes, but I can't seem to remember much about those. I knew my place as the older, settled down with a child, mama and he was my kicks on and off for some time. The next year he would be Humanling's teacher.

I hope all of you have that one moment, that one move that stands out. Better if you have more! Aussie and I had broken it off for a bit...me choosing to date one of my exes, not knowing that Aussie and I were anything like a real item (although I've learned that many of my assumptions on this in the past were definitely not what the other side was cheering on). Yet I still had to bring Humanling where he worked, day in and day out, usually picking her up near 5:30pm. One night when I got there, the place was nearly empty. There were still workers hanging around. He and I were both sort of bittersweet about the whole cease and desist. He saw me and gave me the sad eyes. Truly sad eyes...not cute little boy puppy eyes with the big ole bottom lip hanging out. I walked past him to get Humanling and felt a firm grip on the back of my shirt. Not violent or rough, just enough to firmly pull me back, against the front of his body. He put his face in my hair, took a deep breath and then let me go.

He almost sold me in that one moment.

He didn't right away and he wouldn't for keeps. We went back and forth for a bit, enjoying watching the boundaries blur in the distance while we ran past.

We still talk....he lives in another country technically now - England. However, he's here for a few months now and trying to get me to say yes to a night of hanging out. Before he left last year, he told me that he could see us married and that he wanted to take Humanling and I to his homeland and we'd live there, chilling on the beach. As a childhood cancer survivor, he has no time to hold grudges or waste too much time on being stagnant and bored.

Wow. The beach huh?

He should be here for about another month. I keep meaning to get together with him but I've allowed life to be full of fluff lately, amongst some actual project planning and time spent with a certain Capricorn male, also 10 years younger...although as usual, I hold them at arms length, not wanting to get too involved but wanting to enjoy what we have to offer each other, each of us suckling sweetness from the time shared. I'm not sure that's what the Goat has in mind, in fact I know it isn't the utmost favorite position to be in. For Christmas, he helped me out quite a bit with some financial issues and on top of it, gives me a beautiful ring with a couple of small diamonds in it. He's been very good at playing his hand and being the right thing at the right time. He is always that wonderful, responsible Saint Bernard with the barrel under his chin, making sure that I never have to worry about certain things if he can help it. In turn, I do my best to be as wonderful as our positions allow. We have our own excellent chemistry and he is finally almost 30, which is nicer than when we dated when he was in his early 20s. We also work together all day long (well, not together directly, but he sits basically six feet away from me with obscured view). People at work know our past history but probably have no idea about the black and white photo shoot the other night.

And on another note, I wonder about the Virgoian :doot:. Ever since we met in 1996, he was the guy that I always thought I'd want to end up with. Every single time God places him into my hands, with more glued together spots than the previous time, I somehow manage to set him free again. Inevitably I go through the WTF GIRL??? AM I CRAZY?! cycle over and over. On paper, he's the closest to being what I'd want ever. Just something about the energy once we get together. Or maybe its just timing. I spend too much time thinking about it.

I can easily envision the life we would have at the very least. We'd live in his digs in NYC. There'd be a two parent family for Humanling. We'd have no car and I'd be stoked about that. Humanling would grow up in NYC, which I would consider a privledge. He and I would constantly have wonderful things to do, ideas between the two of us that would just always work. We cook side by side and completely agree on hygenic issues with food handling (a biggie with me). He is a good guy for a Veg girl as he has already stated that he wouldn't bring meat in the house. He has a great Brazillian accent. He's artistic without direction so perhaps our union would create direction for both of us, although I work mine out currently and do craft shows. I know he is happy with the little things, as am I. He gives killer massages and knows how to give me my personalized Shark Sleeper Hold - playing with my hair until I fall into a sleep so deep, I need a snorkel.

Virgo also pays attention to the food sensitivities and wants to learn more about them. He's one of very few people I can trust to leave my Humanling with. Most people don't know how to feed her, and that's understandable. Some people are aware but think that I'm being dramatic on the culinary flair and will feed her *whatever* anyway. My mom is paranoid of doing the wrong thing so I'm relieved to say that she can be counted on to not ruin HL's diet if I go to a movie and have her babysit.

So for someone who doesn't want to worry about relationship issues.....I suppose I'm one foot into the plaza and glancing into the window of the wide world of the intracacies of coupledom. I just know, like many other things, I can't run from them forever. Decisions have never been my strong point.

The holidays were fabulous, but after that I became mentally lazy, addicted to this online game of Bouncing Balls ( ha ha...yeah. I know.) and didn't read many blogs, didn't write many blogs (or should that be rephrased to "any" blogs), fell in love with I-Carly's Jerry Trainor (Spencer, Carly's older brother & guardian who is really 31, almost 32 in real life, thank God), started putting ketchup on virtually everything including all beans, and have been trying to figure out how to incorporate all that I would do in the perfect day into my current days without getting up earlier than 6:45am. I'm also reading a book called "We Plan God Laughs" and it has many scary parts in it as far as the grave misfortunes of others. I end up with really bad anxiety if the planets are at all crooked in alignment that day. I suppose in order to help others, and to help myself, I need to face all that head on and be able to be aware of it, while maintaining a steady heartbeat.

I have been enjoying a fabulous meditational ride, even one to the point of tears. Time to keep reaching, keep writing and most definitely keep reading all those good blogs that I love and have to tune back in to! Much love & Blessings!!

Many Doors in This Cloud

I scheduled to take today off a couple of weeks ago. I was certain that it would involve Borders.



It certainly does involve reading and coffee. But it also involves:

~gas conservation by not driving across town to Borders where I will BMOB anyway and read

~financial conservation by not using the gas nor buying a cup of coffee with the change I will need to buy it on Thursday morning

~hammering down the laundry pile that was born sometime in the summer (complete with odd and not so reminiscent nor friendly odors)

~A fabulous kick ass walk outside!!! OMG Loveys....it is a very warm day here in CT. It's got to be in the 60s. I look completely stupid in my mismatching gloves and peacoat.

~all Humanling's gifts wrapped and stashed. In the kitchen. Top shelf of the pantry. Covered in a blue sheet. All uninteresting things to my Ling - kitchen, pantry (higher levels) and linens. If I keep them in my closet, I may as well just point them out to her since she believes what is mine is hers. Which really is mostly true anyway.

~The rehabbing of the dishes in the final phases. I didn't just ignore the blog for weeks....I ignored clutter.

~Being alone all day long with those Trader Joe's sexy truffles. They can go and go but I have to stop and rest after one.

~A wonderful morning meditation

~A Long Walk, Part 2

~Accepting the gift of societal sharing by sniffing the smoke tinged air in my apartment that seeps in from the apartment next door. It's not on my wish list, but it's reality.

Speaking of the scary crew next door, they've been evicted. One of them already left. Apparently he and his buddy divorced and the other guy won custody of the cigarette smoke, knocks on the door at all hours and parade of Shady kicks going up and down the stairs. The remaining guy, who has eyes the color of those Trader Joe's truffles, and a frontal demeanor that is most charming, will be bouncing his happy butt out the door in January from what I hear. I hope both guys will figure out what went awry for them and move forward into healthy situations.

I hope the next neighbor is a little more at ease with clean air.

I walked the railroad tracks to the house that is currently still up for sale that housed my past marriage. I know the other cares nothing about it. And I'm glad to be out of there too. I took a long look at it, searching the windows for evidence of my or our previous existence. It was everywhere. Even the Christmas lights and snowflake decor that I used last year in an attempt to make a Too Big for me house, more festive in the face of constant showings and interruptions. They are now all crammed into a garbage bin outside. I can't remember putting them there.

The house has a heart, I know it does. (Yes, you can tune out if my looney vibes are starting to freak you out, I won't be offended. No one gets offended in my world....wah ha ha!)

So I basically blessed it with love. Then turned to walk away, just looking back for a moment at the pitiful For Sale sign that had fallen off the post and onto the ground.

The rest of my walk was simply reading (yeah I do that) and saying hi to most everyone I passed. I did feel one tree's energy in particular as I passed.

Right now my Humanling is in an afterschool art class so I have extra time alone. I'm using it to make her dinner. My cat alerted me that the baby squirrel was on the deck. I checked and there wasn't much for it to nibble on so I grabbed from the Squirrel stash that I keep near the deck door. I grabbed a plastic bunch with disgusting black and green intentions underneath. Of course, I am cooking right now. I threw it in the garbage but still. It existed at the same time of the food on the stove. It existed right in front of my face. And now exists in the room still, but at a lower level in the garbage. My mind searches a million times....could it have gone airborne? Would it have gone into the food? It's in the wrap. I didn't have it open and run around the kitchen with it shaking the bag. I have to remember this. But hey, that's currently one of my Special Features. Until it isn't.

Fletch! Starring Bernie Siegal, MD

While cooking a banana bread from scratch that didn't make it to its full incarnation, I spilled a little gluten free flour here and there. I was also reading a holistic magazine in between doing various tasks that added to the banana bread not coming out right. I looked and saw that I'd spilled some flour on Bernie's head. Immediately I remembered that childhood favorite - the picture of the happy man and you had a magnet pen and arranged his hair and facial hair and he smiled no matter what world of hurt you decorated him with. I've decided that now that I'm single, I have time to do this:



This is old man in the hills Bernie. Or possibly Vodka straight from the Potato Bernie.

This is Kid N Play Bernie. Who remembers the parallelogram flat top?!

I get the chills with THIS cool Bernie. Mmmmm Mm! Give me that bad boy!

I think Bernie's a well rounded individual who doesn't mind being the understudy for Marie Antoinette.

Why can't Bernie be the nice hunk of cheese in the Underworld? I think the world is going gentler now so this should catch on and be seen on all the informercial channels.

This is probably why the banana bread burned.

Who Writes in Pencil?

One of my favorite websites used to be Found Magazine. I'd pop up daily, as if entering my usual coffee shop...getting my usual and settling down to swap tidbits with the locals.



The site is basically the junk drawer in the kitchen. Lists, notes, random photos. All found somewhere and sent in to the website.


Why are we so interested in other's peoples personal lint? I don't know, but I am. My imagination automatically throws everyone into the


I saw this list on the ground next to my stoop. It's written in Old People and its written in pencil. I thought it was a rather handsome list, just dying to be on the cover of So I Don't Forget monthly. Each item is stunningly scratched off in what had to be a travelling pencil on this contained scavenger hunt.

I can see why the fifth one down was not crossed off however. My suggestion would be to check Facebook for Lorraine Swiss. Tell her I said Hi.

They Don't Make Things The Way They Used To

Humanling and I went to the craft store for some jewelry supplies. I found something for her to make that seemed simple and easy. There were these little round tubes that you place on a plastic pegboard to create a pattern and then iron (whoops, didn't read that part - I don't have an iron and was going to use the curling iron). Being the anal Capricorn that she is, she read the package and told me that it had been Safety Tested and she seemed pleased with it.

As I did the dishes in the kitchen, I heard a sudden coughing and Humanling emerged, face beet red, eyes milking with Choke Tears. She couldn't speak and my mind thought of four things - get her outside closer to other neighbors who might know what to do, slap her on the back, ask if she can speak and hope for the best and....the faucet is still on - I'd better shut that off.

Once outside, she was able to talk. She had put one of those pieces in her mouth and swallowed. She's nine. I am hoping that this is the wildest thing she ever attempts.

She couldn't produce a reason as to Why this happened right away.

Until I heard her say with grave disappointment, "This product was NOT Safety Tested!!!"

Just call her Quality Control Inspector #13.

Animal Wrongs (aka WTF, Cat?!)

It's another OCD dinner night. Humanling and I walked back from the library (why do people stare? Is it the scarves & mittens? Are we a bit anxious to acclimate to the season's dressings?). It's time for a light dinner.

Eggs? Sure.....

until I stick them in the bowl of water and then one end bobs back up. So are they bad if the WHOLE egg floats or if one end bobs back up? I don't know and my laptop was walking in bitch tracks so there was no easy access. My mother, the Non Beets Maker (who claims that she did - but she also uses a fry daddy so I don't trust that kind of propaganda) would probably just sigh and chalk up yet one more odd thing of mine to my father not being around at the right times. So I didn't call her. She has courage. Just opens the egg carton, CRACK, cook, done.

Not me. I pull out the bright lights to look for cracks, the bowl of water that gives tinier cracks away and tells me if they float. Or sort of float.

I put the eggs back. I wasn't sure and didn't want to throw out probable eggular innocense.

I ended up making gluten free, grilled soy cheeses. With a side of salted ketchup. (How is my blood pressure 98/60? Must be all the eggs I put back in the fridge.)

That worked out well. I then put our little display of triangle and square finger sandwiches out.

And then SHE walked by. The Devil with the bumper car antenna that sticks up in the air scraping along the side of the plate as she walked by. I can still hear the sound - Sccccrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Well half of the plate was still good. I gave that to Humanling. My throat still hurts from yellling at the devil. It's not enough that I shovel her offenses to the olfactory world into the garbage constantly. Or feed her. Or trip over her because she thinks my every move is another can of cat food. She has to completely ruin a dinner that she wouldn't even eat!

Well, let me tell you. Her plan was ALL IN VAIN. Because I'm not rushing to the cabinet for the soft Psssssh! of a cat food can opening. She has food and water and I see her Scccrreeeeeeeee and raise her an absence of a Pssssssssh!

But What Will Our Gang Colors Be?

I stood with my buddy Organic tonight talking, Humanling interjected with her own current event.

Since she had these tonight, and announced it, we are going to start a band. And it will be called
"A Million Farts".

Any ideas for a logo?

Humanling Runs the Mafia

If I were in Boys Over Flowers, I would have received a red note on my locker.

I've been marked.

After being scolded for being 'touched' with a hula hoop three times (I'd asked after Time Numero Uno not to know the feeling of being touched with said Hoop and yet it happened two more times while the eyes of the antagonist locked with mine - and YES it bothered me - it was the Point), Humanling gave considerable thought to our relationship in her time out.

She came to the kitchen and announced to me, "You have crossed to the Dark Side of our Friendship".

This means, that I have been "kicked out of the family."

She is now a self-observed orphan, seeing as this is a one parent circus. It's almost as funny as when Cavey and I are on the phone and he precedes a sentence involving some sort of Humanling life-schedule-diet change with "We'll have to....." as if he is ever in the 3-D context of her day.

"We" who? Me and my last name? Is the cat signing school forms now?

I'm pleased and tickled to announce that although the pay off was tough, one hug later, I was back into the linear family line. Since two points don't actually make a circle. Or any other shape.

One...Two..Three....Contaminate!

Is it my imagination or is there a Flash Mob of people who *suddenly* have a cold this week?

things She can do

When I was little I wasn't a girly girl. I climbed trees and collected tadpoles. But I couldn't do the following:

arm farts

burp on cue

burp real loud

Humanling, with no training from me, can:

Arm fart ferociously

Burp on cue AND like a sailor so that heads in the same zip code will turn, see that it came out of a 52 lb little girl and then laugh

Burp words

Give herself a wedgie (I have never, nor will I try to. Buying from Victoria's Secret alone though qualifies).

Fall down or somehow get me to touch her while walking past the local coffee shop where there is an instant audience assembled. For a bonus she may then yell in pain and a clearly abused fashion that she's gotten hurt and that I have done it. Three words ring up and down the street- YOU HURT ME!!!

****That last one would have gotten my mouth and tongue smacked straight off my face when I was little.

! Pffffffff !

People, I have to debunk a theory right now. The whole Bad Mood thing in females. Usually the first thing people (highly ignorant strands) will say is "Must be that time of month....". Well guess what. It ain't that time. So what gives. My work day thus far is consisting of one major theme - "What the F*ck is THIS now?"

My copy and paste function, which is essential for getting today's stuff done today and not when Star Wars 10 comes out, has foreclosed and moved on.

I have the radio on and although I'm really happy for the gal who likes licking other feminine lips to obtain that cherry chapstick flavor, I'm done hearing about it. Yes honey, many of us have done this. It's called Free Drinks. Whoo hoo!

Ok, my Opinions session is over.

Wait, one more.

Dear Usher,

Nothing says 'Neutered' more than a dumb ass song about doing some girl in a club with the whole 'making love' tag on it. I don't know what Boardroom posse Ok'd this sorry attempt at Rawness. Hideous and harmless. On top of it, the whole trying to be melodic about taking this chick outside and giving it to her 'and I don't care who's Watchin'...Watchin'..........Watchin.....' was the last straw to drop your rice sac to the floor uselessly.

And to think that someone bought me an Usher poster for my 35th birthday. If I still had it I'd put a bouquet of daisies in front of where the carcass to his manhood used to be. Can someone say large skin tag?

Sorry Usher. I'm not hating but someone has to be a man about it.

..... okay. Done. .....

I Don't Have To Be What I'm Scared Of

A window into a moment that only I witnessed - Conversations with Humanling. I'm almost 40 (in a year and a half) so I don't remember what we were talking about to bring this World of Threatening Menace down on her Candyland.

Me: Does this mean you'll watch Harry Potter with me?

HL: I don't want to watch Harry Potter because its in 3-D.




Me: I'm 3-D, you're 3-D.

HL: You're 3-D but I'm not because I'm scared of 3-D.

What Humanling Knows

So you all know, if you have any questions, I have been informed by little Pre Tweener Humanling of the following:

"I am an expert about bees and air bags."

And she does know about air bags. Many times while I'm driving she will read the manual to the Saturn like its a Dr. Seuss saga. She obsesses over the pictures of the air bag light being on and no matter what my answer is, I am still asked repeatedly if an airbag will destroy your nose when full throttle erecting. Ha ha....a sensual airbag indeed.