Last Stop: My Mind Without Your Storms

Sitting outside on the stoop on a sunny and cool Saturday morning.  It's more cool of course when the sun powders its nose with a cloud.  The sweater goes on.  Then the sun is back out in full force and the sweater is a burden.  Humanling is playing the DSi, as we keep each other company.  A Thousand Welcomes on the radio stream.  One of those nice things that Flip did introduce me to.  This radio station, WFUV., that was usually on in our kitchen.  He did bring a lot of new and interesting things into my life.  I hope I did the same for him.  Unfortunately when communication is necessary, there is no Toast (see previous post).  And so I turn to my teacher, Thich Nat Hahn today to see if his offerings coincide with my Now.  Of course, his messages are usually needed at all times.  And what I am feeling lately, well by "lately" I guess I mean the last three years is what he summed up.  

I'll copy and paste but I know that when I do that, my loverly lavender color changes to white.  Here is today's find:

There are days when you feel that it’s not your day, everything goes wrong. And the more effort you make, the situation becomes worse. Of course you have gone through days like that in your life. You fail in everything, you suffer, you g

et angry, people blame you, you are not happy, you are frustrated. And you tell yourself that you have to make more effort, but the more effort you make, the worse the situation becomes, and then you know that it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop everything, it’s time to go home to yourself and take refuge in yourself. You have to close your windows, the eyes, the ears; you have to close the five windows. You should not be in touch with the outside any more; you have to close the windows of your hermitage. Because there is a hermitage within yourself – that is the island of self that I want you to discover. If you continue to be on the outside, then you continue to suffer, you know. That is why in moments like that, you have to go home to the island of self, and the first thing you do is exactly what I did with my hermitage, to close the five windows. And you know that eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind, are the six windows you close. Don’t look, don’t listen, don’t touch, and don’t think. Stop everything in order to prevent the strong wind from the outside to continue to blow in and to make you miserable, because the eye is a window, the ear is a window, the mind is a window, and if you keep them open, the wind of suffering, the wind of disturbance will continue to come and make the situation worse and worse. Don’t try any more. Stop trying and shut the windows. You shut also the door, and you have to go to the chimney and make a fire. You want to get a feeling of warmth, cosiness, and comfort by practising mindful breathing, going home to yourself. And rearrange everything, your feelings, your perceptions, your emotions, they are all scattered all over, it’s a mess. You have to recognise each feeling, each emotion, and you have to collect them like I collected all the sheets of paper that were scattered a little bit all over. Practise mindfulness and concentration, and tidy up everything within yourself. You are going home, you have gone home to your island of self, and you are transformed into a place that is cosy and pleasant for you to take refuge in. Everyone has a hermitage within, very safe, very cosy, very comfortable, very calm, and they have to go home to that hermitage.
If you rely on the outside, you get lost.

That is why you have to go home and rely on something that is reliable, that is the island of self.

With Flip, any communication basically was received wrong.  Maybe sometimes it was me saying it wrong.  I'm a better writer than speaker.  However, many times he just is in such a hut of hurt that he's walled himself in without openness to see possibilities of someone trying to reach out while being discontent but with love instead of malice.  I try to hit the restart button daily.  Some days I am better with it than others.  Some days I bite the bait but am content with myself to say that I have not followed my anger to places where I would be encompassed in a lesson of Advanced Regret.  So with all renouncement of I'm So Awesome, Look What I'm Doing, I do have to acknowledge my progress in dealing with reaction when it comes to him.  I'm not done though because I am still holding it inside and boiling.  I'm just not unleashing it on him in the ways that would have me spewing venom and then later on looking back and wishing that I hadn't.  He tests me though.  Severely.  Still with the name calling.  Still emails laced with vulgarity and vitriol.  I can respond in kind or do the hard thing and resist.  While I am aware of this test, I know that I have gone to my island as stated above.  Only I haven't shut off the outside.  I moved out months ago to get away from the barrage of negativity and that was step one.  Booking the island to go to.  Going there.  Now time to shut off the communication and emerge in a better state.  But because I feel bad for him with now, no car at all, I offered to drive him in any dire need - groceries, etc.  I don't think he will take me up on it since I did say that I shouldn't even offer due to his treatment of me.  Guess I could have left that part out.  

Guess really, I should leave out the whole part of communication with the "outside" that has been the noise, the environment, the weather of my life for three years and shutter my windows.     

   

An Imagined Fart to go With the Imagined Chaos

I wonder who talked the dude on the Hoveround commercial to sing?  Not just sing, but he's super comfortable and happy looking!  And youngish to be squashing his butt into one of those semi-vehicles.

I don't know what's up today...I had three separate laughing fits today.  The Teen called me at work and as we were in casual conversation and suddenly she made this anguished tone of "Auuuggghhh!!!" and then "Azrael farted!"  That would be our cat...who you would never know had a fart mechanism when we lived with Flip. But that's because any distinct odor faults could be squarely blamed on his hound who frequently got into the garbage, cat food and drank swamp water, putting out swamp farts.  I fell apart at my air touch desk (a standing desk) and just couldn't stop laughing.  Teen was not laughing on the other end of the phone.  

Fart exhibit #2...(Get it? #2?)

The Teen was sitting around in the recliner as I hula hooped.  She suddenly exclaimed, "Mmm!  Something smells good in here!"  As there was nothing cooking on the stove, I retorted with "I farted." and watched her face register her senses with what I said.  Her little nostrils opened up a bit and her eyes got wider....so finally I had to let her in on the joke.  The concentration was just too strenuous for her.

I seriously need to find a life.  The third string of uncontrollable laughter is just baseless.  I saw a Comcast bill on the floor that had fallen off of where I'd left it.  As I put it back, I thought to myself that Yay, I'm getting paid tomorrow.  Teen was sitting in a chair, facing the computer.  I came up behind her and tapped my fingers on her eyelids and sang "I'm paying the bills tomorrow!"  I hardly ever hear the next line said by anyone...."Get your fingers off my eyes!"

And yet somehow, I managed to get in my exercise for the evening.  My 30 minutes of hula hooping (I'm convinced it will whittle some things and build up others), crunches, arms workout and the Five Tibetans.  Thankfully my mind kept busy during these activities and I felt no need to  crumble in a pile of laughter.

I am going to put extra gel in my hair tonight. An asteroid the size of a "city block" is going to fly by and I don't want to have to deal with errant wisps due to whoosh factor.

Now I don't want this to sound braggy...it's not meant to be in the least.  It's just to show once again, hesitation of commitment to something.  I've mentioned before how I like Buddhism but that it isn't something that I could practice 100%.  That I still enjoy 2 cups of Wicca and a half cup of Native Americanism and an oil base of What I Was Brought Up On.  But what's funny is that I was already born with a natural inclination toward Buddhism.  I have never been one to kill anything...small bugs can rely on me to transport them to the outdoors even if it's going to make me late for work.  Nothing gets hurt...not even Christmas trees (I bought a rather cute fakey last season).  Buddhism is the spirituality that I spend the most time reading about.  I do take a lot from it and look forward to learning an asteroid's girth more about it.  


Speaking of girth though, Flip has gotten mad at me...again.  It started when an ex hit on me via font and was trying to get sexayyyyyyy.  I wrote the dude back and mentioned that I'm not interested and that he's married with kids and it's not right.  So I mentioned it to Flip.  And yep, he namesaked.  Only he claims that he was mad because .....oh it's just so exhausting.  He used words last week like projection, and living in the past.  When mentioning this stuff to him, he acted it out.  And then got mad at me for having a reaction a week or so ago that he didn't like because he's in AA with an ex live in girlfriend, God only knows how many times a week now.  AA is his life now.  Even if I were seeing him on a regular basis, I wouldn't see him unless I peeked in the windows of a closed AA meeting because as he put it tonight, for the court, he has to go to "as many AA meetings as possible".  If I were actually in a normal relationship with him and seeing him, or trying to spend time with him, I wouldn't actually be able to.  Beeeeeecause....he went out to the bar that night to piss me off, got loaded, blacked out and crashed his car into a planet two galaxies over and ended up with an aggravated DWI.  He's so competitive he can't even get an average DWI.


So then, and I am guessing that most people would understand this feeling, he ends up in AA with his ex.  Seeing her multiple times a week and telling me to 'manage my insecure feelings' myself and that he will not go out of his way to be sure that they aren't having to sit together, etc. Well, I just told that dude off and he's not even in the same state as me yet I get the third degree somehow.  But he won't politely wave from across the room and be sure to keep it that way.  I admitted it...I'm not so evolved that I'm okay with this arrangement.  I *calmly* (at first) admitted that yes, this makes me incredibly uncomfortable.  Especially that part about hiding the truth for a couple of weeks and lying about small details.  Yes, that will frost my feathers. But instead of seeing my vulnerable feelings as they are, as me asking questions in order to get information so that I can better assess and manage, he throws me a concrete bag full of "manage your own insecure feelings" and puts on his crown.


He has to go to court again in a month.  So as he put it tonight, he wants to be sure to go to "as many AA meetings as possible".  Well.  I hate to sound selfish but he got himself into this double twister cone of shit on his own and these AA meetings aren't because he wants to stop drinking...it's because he wants to look good for the court, which is understandable.  This happened to him because he used to yell at me if I even spoke of going to a bar with a friend and not with him, yet he decided to get me back (his words as he was drunk, just having been released from the police) and go out to upset me.  Double dutch standard y'all. What am I doing with this baggage?  I should run an airline because I do not lose baggage.


Well now that I'm ruminating about this and all the cumulative damage done to me emotionally and mentally is bubbling up like a nasty bitch, I shall go find something talented to watch on the Tele.  

One Nation, Under God...and Tree and Flower and Feather...

I didn't hate by midnight last night.  So maybe that's progress.  It waited until about 6:30pm tonight instead.  That's like an extra day thrown in!  Like a bargain!!  

Tonight there are unhappy words and spoiled feelings going on.  I'm pretty direct about what's bothering me.  If I were any further direct, I'd buy an ad on ESPN and have it air during the Mets game tonight.  In fact, the only reason that I don't is purely financial.  And that my money might be better served going toward the Phillies than to the Mets.

So more on that later.  Like I'd leave you hanging.  Or more like it, spare you some vague details.

I brought Teen-A-Ling to her neurologist's office today in order to get her all fancied up for a 24 hour EEG.  She's old enough at this point to allow me to stay in the waiting room while a scalpful of wires gets glued onto her head and then all wrapped up with sticky bandages to keep those delicate things from being trampled by teen hands and fingers.  She scratches her head and plays with her hair as if she were being paid for it.

As I waited for her I read an entire small book called "The Practice of Bodhisattva Dharma".  Flip lent it to me last night.  He is back gettin' his Buddha on, which is usually a warm weather practice it seems for him.  Perhaps he is going to keep going this time with it.  I rather enjoyed it and it was definitely food for thought.  

One thing that I realized is that I am a commitment phobe no matter what it is.  It could be reading one book.  Or having one hobby. Or focusing on one task.  But instead I have to toggle between three books at once.  Or waste much of the precious time that I could be spending on a hobby, on the indecision of what creative outlet to stoke that night.  


So it comes as no surprise to me that during my readings, I realized that I also don't believe I can commit fully to one spiritual belief entirely.  I've always enjoyed the ritual and beauty and softness of Wicca, the reverence for life of the Native Americans, the common sense of Buddhism  along with the taking the Do No Harm to further heights by including sentient beings instead of just us Two Legged geniuses.  Flip gravitates toward Buddhism 100%.  This is his way.  And that's pretty cool when people can choose like that.  I do not feel 100% about it.  I also don't feel that I have to kick out all else that I know or was brought up on for the sake of choosing just one.  Humans are not by any means the be all of the universe.  However, being here on the earth for a minute, we've managed to come up with all these parallel principles in religion.  So to me, while I'd love to commit 100% to a path, for now, I choose a few.  


Buddhism from all that I have read, and it's been a lot, can bring comfort.  It makes sense.  Sometimes though, I do feel a small frost from it and miss the loving Goddess element that comes with Wicca.  Or the highly and vocal appreciation factor that seems to go with Native American spirituality.  


I have a lot to read still on the subject, for all mentioned and will probably tip the scales numerous times during.


Now in a nutshell, I'm rather peeeeeeeved at Flip.  He simply didn't answer some questions that I had tonight, choosing instead to fight for his right to have options, I think.  I can't say what his motives are.  What I can say is that out of respect (and being badgered) I answer his questions when he is feeling like half a bridge.  I might not even like to but it gets answered.  I feel that I'm not getting the whole story from Flip with this ex of his who goes to some of those meetings.  


Well, I'd write more but I'm afraid that a glass of vodka will call me if I don't feign sleep.  

aMuse Me

This morning I heard a great number of birds squawking about. Upon glancing out of the window, I saw heaps and heaps of black starlings flying into our trees. It looked to be 100-200 of them. They hung out briefly until I opened the door to throw them a piece of bread. I immediately stopped throwing bits down when I realized that it was moldy.

*

I kissed my lover's mouth before going out for a walk in the chilly dusk. He tasted like a room with a cozy, warm fireplace.
*
I came back from my walk and let him know that should I die and someone shows up at my funeral to protest something or disrupt, I have a wish. My postmortem orders are to take the loudest, most disruptive person (should one show up) and throw him in the coffin, face down on top of me. Then slam the lid shut.

Let the person out after a few minutes of course. But maybe make them sweat it out a bit, maybe make them sing a few bars of my favorite Ella Fitzgerald song first or yell through the muffled wood what sign they are. They can get out a minute sooner if they know their moon and rising sign.
*
Honey is trying to close a window on his computer for a Root Mash recipe. He clicks a few times and eventually the sleepy computer catches up on it’s To Do list and shuts down all of his windows. He notes this and then says “Whatever” while getting up to finish making dinner. I said “You just Whatever’d your computer.” He stops for a moment and says “Yes I did.”

*
As I read a simple Buddhism for kids level book to my Humanling as she’s falling asleep, her fluffy white thing of a cat perches on the trunk next to the bed. The fluffy white thing loves my girl more than everything else and waits for her at night, sitting patiently upstairs, waiting for Humanling to finish Whatever It Is and go to the shared space of the bed. Or as we say, “Your ride is here.” The fluffy white thing sees that as I am reading the story, I am also an obstacle blocking the path to a united destiny of cat and human. Kitty looks at my how close Humanling is and then to see how wide the human river of me is that she has to cross.

When I left my mate for a couple of days due to our addiction to bad patterns in disagreements, he sent me an email, among many others, that burst the dam of emotion I was feeling. I stood at work, reading that the cat who hadn’t seen her human in 2 and a half days, had been crying desperately at 4am, looking for her. That finally, my mate, who loves animals but this one is the least favorite in the house. She is quite the long hair, which equates to puffs of hair floating about and the occasional old turd that got stuck in her backside, concealed by all the fur but that eventually found freedom among the floorboards.

He felt so bad for her crying that he called her to come sleep in the bed with the dog and himself. And finicky girl that she is, she actually climbed in.

Reading about Miss Kitty’s heartbreak added 2 more tons of heartbreak to my already broken heart of missing being home with my mate. I cried for the next couple of hours at my desk, crumpled Kleenex piling high in the trash bin.
And took half day and went back home to him.

*
We watched Michelle Bachman speak on one of those nightly MSNBC shows. There is something about her that COULD be so pretty. But when I look into her blue eyes I am really seeing evil skeletor.

*
During my walk tonight I noticed that I’d nearly caught up to a figure up ahead. Eventually she crossed into someone’s driveway, away from the house and into the woods. As far as I know, that direction doesn’t lead to anything that anyone would go to because then it opens into a huge, sprawling field. I would have looked at her some more as I was passing her but that would have been so shady.

For the rest of the night, she has been a mystery for me. A creepy, paranormal mystery.

Although I can’t be home every day enjoying the moment to moment blooming that happens during this magical season, I am grateful that the corporate campus where I work has quite the mini ecosystem. As I leave the building and pass the truck docks, I soon come to a small gathering of pine trees, the majestic holders of their quiet corner. Underneath are pine needles is soft and a deep breath will afford you that earthy dirt smell from these microscopic woods. Further down, past the sections made for stretchers and toners where they keep horizontal bars and wooden stumps, is the opening to the pond walk.

This is where I usually become more alert. As a starving reader who can never have enough time to soak in the words of others in the written form, I taught myself by age 21 to walk and read at the same time. Ok, I realize that this post can very well end up on the Darwinian award pages somewhere on the net, but really, so far, knock on whatever is eco-friendly and handy, I have not tripped and lost my front teeth, my dignity or unintentionally shown my underwear. Nor have I simply tripped. Or walked into walls. There are some clever co-workers who have fun with it and will walk directly toward me, hoping to win that first Noun prize – the first person, place or thing that I ever walk into (besides a bar! Ha ha! Well I AM Irish.) Yes, they are so cute and clever and who can blame them? I’d do it too I suppose. And I realize they are doing nothing more than simply reaching out in their own way to make some sort of contact.
Although walking straight into them full force with a book spine is probably not exactly probably the most pleasant.

I digress.

Whenever I enter Pond Area, my walk becomes the most alive. There are, many times, two of whatever creature is stirring. Two ducks. Two geese. Two turtles basking in the sun. Many tadpoles right now. A handful of birds. But mostly, for me, the presence of a Crow.
I realize that many folks associate the Crow’s appearance as a negative thing. I happen to love black birds of all types, but the crow is one of them that I look at and wonder to myself if I will ever pet one. Yeah, I’m forty and I said I want to pet one.

Usually, I will see only one at the pond. It might not be there at the moment I walk into the area, but then I have fun and say lightly and sing songy, “Black biiiiiiiiird….”. And then Snow White shows up and tries to kick my ass for nature rights.

What really happens is that within 20 or 30 seconds of my being in the area, a crow will show up or show itself somehow. I’ll be close enough to it so that we are aware of each other. Then I’ll say “Hi.”. Plain and simple. “Hi.”

The crow stays a moment and then flies off. I don’t know why I find this amusing, but I do. And it happens every time I talk my walks at work.

Other times there will be a small club’s worth of deer standing around looking all Gangsta. Deer do look Gangsta in case you didn’t know. If there is one of you and eight of them, it’s not very hard.

I usually stop under a Sycamore tree at the pond and sit, cross legged underneath, put my book down and attempt to meditate for a few minutes. I don’t work for Google or Amazon.com so it isn’t some extended yoga session. It’s literally five minutes at the moment but very peaceful. If you’re worried about looking like some kinda DAMN fool while other co-workers are brisk walking and chatting with their work wives/husbands, then I can’t promise that you’ll escape that feeling doing such a thing at work. I usually wait until it is Off Peak time for mine. I eat at my desk while working so that I can enjoy my alone time with whatever author out with Crow, turtles and Deer and the Gang.

The somewhat amusing thing (and it has to be amusing because you can’t take life too seriously when it isn’t warranted) is the Sign of the Dead memorialized near the pond. A metal sign, posted in the ground like a grave marker with a number of metal plates on it. Some of them are inscribed with those who have worked here and passed on. After those are a good number of shiny, unused metal plates, just waiting for someone to come unscrew one, have it engraved, and put it back on.

I wonder to myself if those people retired first. I don’t know why that is a point of any kind, but the thought of them dying before retirement makes me wonder how much they lived.
And that’s the point of squeezing in walk time. That’s what I want to do. I want to read and walk on Off Peak time. I want to have what communication I can with Crow as it swings by and then flies in the opposite direction, like a game of chase when I say “hi.” I want to feel brave (or alive enough to feel plain stupid) for passing a pack of degenerate deer (you can’t prove that they aren’t) on the same side of the path. And I want to look as though I’m waiting for a local and organic apple to fall off a Sycamore tree while I meditate for a splash in time. It’s about living my truth as much as I can…all the while learning what my own truths are and how they change. Because life is impermanent and it is change in every moment. As the saying goes, You never step into the same river twice.

Serene Life...Take Two!

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? How About Now? Now? Now?

No.

The complexity of relationships. The complex simplicity of Buddhism. I’m wondering to myself how to merge forks into smooth flowing streams. I’m having Charlotte Kasl on my radio show soon (date not yet secured but she said she’d be on!) and what a good question for me to ask her – Who’s truth is THE truth? Is there more than one truth when dealing with individual minds? I understand that Buddhism tells us that there is no separation but I can clearly tell you that the mind that hopped in the shower this morning and drove off to get more bloodwork done is not the same mind that is sitting here writing this. So if our barriers are down and the Kick Ass God in you is the Kick Ass God in me, how do we assimilate that into our very vibe?

Many times during a ‘Lively Discussion’ (I hate to say ‘argument’!) I will say things that I believe are the truth as I see it….or maybe that is perception and a totally different thing altogether. I would think you need perception to see truth though. So if I believe I am saying one thing and his truth is that I am saying something other than what I actually mean when I am communicating, who’s ‘truth’ is going to be The Truth?

As much as I’d like to silently win, I’m not looking for the Gold Medal in owning the AH HA-SEE-I AM RIGHT AND OWN ALL THE TRUTHS NYAH NYAH NYAH category. I’m looking for us both to see the middle road, what is really there and if we aren’t agreeing on which side of the street the fire hydrant is really on, then to be able to understand that maybe I was going down the road so that it was on my left, but maybe you were in the opposite direction so that it was on your right….therefore, maybe we are both right…or at least both to the understanding of where the thought comes from.

The trick that I want to see pulled out of the proverbial sleeve is thought transference! I want to be able to say something and instead of having it Picasso’d into nothing that I’d meant it to be by my partner, I want to simply graph it into his cerebral Inbox and have him see what I really mean. I never believed in that Mars/Venus corn filled crap in my earlier days. Or even last year. Until Mars united the Warriors together – the Aries and the Scorpio and allowed us our playing field – play hard, love hard, fight to destroy – survivors optional.

*A momentary Brain Break as the dog crotch snorkels and my concentration is going into the wood chipper*

Ok. Absence of nerve grating sounds has resumed.
I have so much work to do on myself…especially to follow this path. The sound of the dog licking is enough to make me want to run down the dotted lines of the highway at rush hour.

I drive my mate crazy – whether my truths are real or imagined. I wonder sometimes if his calm as of this year, demeanor is more a product of not having an actual 9-5 workday anymore. He has been home since January due to surgeries and illness – not illness that keeps him in bed, but that keeps him from working. He gets a lot done in the house normally and I have no idea how to cook anymore since I usually don’t have to. I have to say, a House Husband is a sweet deal most of the time.

Sometimes though, I realize that I am on a schedule. Or rather, he is not on a schedule. There is no having to go to bed early for him because he doesn’t *have* to get up and work. He has time to pursue reading and interests and really really Get It. To allow it to soak in. To contemplate. I admit, I don’t do my best contemplating while driving to work and singing “Telephone”. Nor do I contemplate well during a 5 minute bathroom break. Nor coming home to homework whipping duties or after school/work schedules. That’s when the house is most psychedelicly active with everything in sight coming to life as distraction, falling in the path of a School/Work night schedule.

And maybe I feel in the way sometimes since my honey seems to have wonderful and serene days by himself at home, but then on days that Humanling and I are home, it feels almost like we are destroying his Silence and Serenity schedule that he has gotten used to. Perhaps it is all self esteem on my part, perhaps if I would just go to Snopes.com, I would find my truth exposed as a sham.

I’m discovering that I used to think we sat home very well together but that now since he has gotten his daily routine into what it is, that now perhaps I am not used to it or rather, I don’t depend on myself enough to go live and soak in joy…that I am waiting for him to have joy with me. That’s unfair to him, myself and the 11 year old Devil In the Making. One of my goals is to learn to simply live with or without the doting attention of a partner.

I am in the right line. I just haven’t gotten to the counter to have my ticket ripped yet.

How Fail at Applying Buddhism to a Lover's Spat

I’m going to do my honey and I an online outing. We both have really bad and childish tempers. We do pretty well in any argument – to a point. Then we fall apart and break down and resort to suckish behavior. It’s embarrassing. If aliens were looking down and preserving the argument for later viewing, I don’t think I could stomach my own behavior. And I’m sure he would probably get one of those travelling cartoon cracks that start in one part of his body and travel throughout his entire being so that he crumbles into dust on the floor if he saw himself as well!

With our combined readings and random philosophizing, you’d think that we’d be prepared for any potential Showdowns. We’ve pre-discussed how our next fight should be. We know all about Right Speech, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness.

We spoke of how we are going to incorporate Right This, Right That and The Other Right Thing into our parenting efforts with Humanling. Naturally she’d see our example and learn. Naturally our home is now and will always be swirled in love.

So kids, how’d it go?! The Deets! Must know the deets!!!

Well we had a lovely span of time with no disagreements. We felt honeymoonish! Aghast at how our former pre-Buddhist (and in my case I prefer a pagan-buddhist hybrid) acted out during disagreements. Such folly! What jerks! How Unenlightened!

It crept in out of nowhere. I’d spill the beans on how it started but who really remembers how any fight starts? I’m so bad at remembering how a fight starts sometimes that I just feel like calling a truce based on Why are we Doing This, again?

I suppose it doesn’t matter how it started but it had something to do with and ex girlfriend calling the night before….which triggered my memory that an ex boyfriend (who is currently on a completely different continent) had contacted me via Facebook to mention that he’d be in the country in May. And not on the other side of it. He wanted to get together for coffee and words. Those two things happened the night before. We used our Buddhist wisdom to talk through it in a newfound calm plane of existence. We went to bed happy and without incident.

Somehow, by the next morning, something about it festered and mutated with a Darwinian punch and what ensued was nearly something that sent the relationship to ash over the next couple of days.

That’s where it started. It’s hard to really find that moment where things go from Ok, We’re Trying To Stay the Path and Argue at the Same Time…to…Oh My Lotus! I Can’t Stand When You Bring That Up Every Time!

Needless to say, we were terrible. A big fat, flaming with gasoline ‘F’ in application of Buddhist philosophy in a moment of Ugly. We found ourselves lawyering Buddhist ways against each other to support our own position. Never stepping into the Same River Twice being a crowd favorite. We took each other’s deepest and most tender dealings of past bad decisions and opened fire with it. The secrets and issues we’d discussed at an earlier time with understanding and compassion, were now used as weapons.

Unfortunately, we are the couple you will hear yelling for one of two reasons. One…..heh, heh….The Good Stuff. Two….an Embarrassing Abandonment of How to be an Adult during a Disagreement.

For damage control, I’d purchased earlier last week, “If the Buddha Married” by Charlotte Kasl. I figured that if I read ahead of time, before the next blow out, we’d be armed with some major new knowledge that would help us out so that we could spare ourselves yet one more explosion of word shrapnel. I didn’t quite get past the Introduction in the book when the fight ignored its post dated moment and decided to show up early.

Yesterday morning, after wasting the entire Beltane holiday in the throes of a new argument low, I sat outside in the grass of our backyard reading some of the book. I got to a part that resonated strongly – especially with so much raw and unaccounted for emotion and hurt still woven throughout. It goes like this:

Take a moment to think of your partner (or special friend) as your beloved. Take a deep breath, relax your belly, and let the meaning of the word drench your heart – this special person who wants what you want – to be loved, to be free of suffering, and to experience joy. This imperfect being who has chosen you as you have chosen him or her. This one whose touch, voice, habits and smells are embedded in your senses. This one who shares the journey with you for better or worse.

How that hits me. I’m one of those weirdo mates that has to walk by an unsuspecting and comfortably sitting partner and simply bend down to bury my nose in his scalp, like a fresh bouquet of boyfriend! His scent is something that conjures up nothing but warmth.

Now when it comes to these bouts of Nasty (and I don’t mean the Come Hither Miss Jackson kind), my own beloved will tell me, no matter how angry or hurt, that I am the one he is in love with and wants to have a life with. I don’t know what kind of fight can cause anyone to not soften up a little when that sort of vulnerability is thrown at them. When he tells me these things, my defenses immediately spot a park and recklessly leave me for a shady tree. That is probably one of the best things for one of us to do. It does not necessarily mean that the fight is over. Or that there won’t be another ascension into a fiery tirade for the neighbors to hear. But it means something.

And whether or not I have gotten very far into If the Buddha Married, Buddhism supports direct learning experience over teachings. Teachings are important. But teachings without experience don’t mean enough.

When I read Charlotte Kasl’s passage above in the yard, I was overcome with such remorse and sadness and longing for my partner. Yes, she understands perfectly! And if you have or have ever had one of those Significant Other sort of things, then you do too – their specific walk, scent, the way they move or have a way of placing their things in a specific order in the house. I’d miss it!

I think what counts for us is that we truly want to be together. The love, attraction, desire, passion and will are all there. Our problem is confliction style. His mostly. Ok, that was a joke.
However, we did just learn on the heels of my beloved’s two hip surgeries, that he also has a Lyme’s disease relapse. More blood tests are needed to see exactly what is happening to him. There is a lot of stress if we allow it to get to us. His being that his body that he really kept in great shape for so long and that had so much strength is now not where he enjoyed it being. While I tend to just imagine that the wind will blow in what we need for a bill or two here and there, he bases his worry about our finances on reality since I am the only one working. What a buzzkill!

My stress is usually based on something like “ How come I had to ask for a cuddle this morning in bed instead of him just offering?!” Nice, huh? His love is beyond the physical….I am on a rickety jalopy to Buddhism with my focus being so much on the physical. He gladly cuddles when I ask so my perception of him not wanting to and then getting impatient while I wait for the golden offer is not based in reality, or the Truth as it Really Is.

While we figure it out, we are hoping to go back to that Aloof version of ourselves…you know – the couple that doesn’t have that bratty temper tantrum kind of fight that alerts neighbors that we aren’t naked and enjoying the other sort of noise. I’m sure experience is going to whip us well but might as well enjoy a few painful lashes along the way!

Ba-Gawk!

Yesterday I worked from home. It’s like winning the $5 lottery scratch off! Five days a week would feel like probably one of those Set For Life deals.

It was a grey Spring day. My honey and I traipsed out to let the chickens out for the day. We found that one of the girls has already given us an egg. We aren’t sure that we’ll ever lose the awe of seeing that wonderful, smooth, brown egg just waiting in the nest for us. As we walked in the second time to check on them (and collect three more eggs), they came to greet us. Most of them flying in their weird I Could Fly If I Really Wanted To way, over to where we stood.

Ah. Maybe they are starting to trust and like us. A wonderful flappy greeting it was!

That being done, I come back to my lap top to work. And maybe write this blog.

Or maybe I did that *on my break*.

I put the water on for our 2nd pot of coffee as Honey has cracked the four eggs and after grating parmesean cheese and going outside to pick some chives from under the kitchen window, and then made us omelettes. As he cracked the first two eggs, we stood over them, studying them. Wow. The same thing we spend all that money on at the store a few times a week. Not knowing where they came from. Now we are singing and talking to and feeding the very same beings that are gifting us with wonderful eggs.

I’m sure people get used to it. But there is just something about wanting to really protect and keep those hens happy – as sentient beings and also because we are grateful that they are feeding us.

This will be an interesting journey. I realize that you don’t have to be vegetarian to be Buddhist. I went vegetarian 18 years ago so this whole catching bees and wasps and letting them outside, not eating things that poop, and pretending not to see the stray house ant here and there is not new to me. My honey on the other hand is full force soaking in everything Buddhist…right down to founding Buddhism in our game of Civilization on the computer. Except for the vegetarian part. He still adores eating meat a few times a week. I know he wants to go by everything that the Buddha mentions….especially as he goes along and it makes sense to him. And all of it has, thus far. So….will he ever go veg?

I will not pose the question. To me that’s a very individual choice for someone who is responsible for their own nutrition.

He had chicken for dinner tonight and my vegetarian Humanling looked at it, horrified…..wondering which one of the new girls he captured and was now steaming with heat on his plate. None of them met the axe of course – but it showed a very valuable thing to her. She is now identifying with our girls in the back and then seeing it on the plate. It’s different when it’s all store bought and you haven’t been feeding what’s now on your plate, having had its last great poop!

One thing I will need to learn is how to harness my wild mind into some sort of focus. Unfortunately, the only time it seems to be hyper focused is when the dog is crotch snorkeling. That will be my big challenge. Not to just quietly Not Draw Attention to how annoying the snorting and licking is. Without saying it out loud, I am still focused on it. Perhaps Step Doggie has many things to teach my stubborn but willing, mind.

To Be or Not to Just Be!

The seasons are flowing nicely so that hard ass winter is behind us and Spring is safely docking for all to enjoy. Flowers have bloomed, the woodcock has laid her speckled, safely colored brown eggs and the garden has started. I’ve been busy with life, as we all know our own components of life to be busy for us. Whether that be playing games on Facebook, doing dishes, taking care of loved ones or kicking back with irretrievable hours of American Idol.

So much has been going on this year that my life of one year ago is unrecognizable. The boyfriend and I have opened the gate door to the Buddhist path. For my 40th birthday last November, I asked that we spend some time at the Buddhist monastery that is close to us. He loved it so much that it was also his request for his 40th which just passed. (Scoprio – Aries blend – the Mars umbrella channels much electricity!) To put what I am reading so far into practice is slowly working it’s way in naturally. I studied Buddhism many years ago but am just that kind of spunky American that finds a little of this and a dash of that and sproings off to the next thing that flits through my mind. I sometimes wonder if I have no memory retention or if I wasn’t paying attention to begin with!

I’ve played the field with all kinds of wonderful spiritual and religious theories and teachings. It appears at times that I like hanging on to my favorite parts of specific ones. That whole ritual thing with paganism….I had some good times with that in the past! Do I really and honestly believe that I’m going to throw a black safety pin in with two turntables and a microphone while closing one eye and chanting So Mote It Be, that my spell will work? Not anymore. Scott Cunningham helped shoe horn me out of that mode. His very uncomplicated versions worked more with intention than props. Props are great! Sometimes they help you more get into that Intention focus than if you simply went without Atmosphere.

Did I enjoy Catholicism? Hm. Well, I’m not sure. I suppose it feels more stable to have a *someone* probably looking out for you that will listen to your schpeel daily, without making you feel bad.

I thought about coffee bean worship but it would be off color to consume your God I suppose. However, it would totally feed into the Namaste thing when passing a fellow coffee drinker on the street…..The God in me sees the God in you. Waving to strangers no longer applies to Jeep owners!

So Buddhism has made its appearance again for me. The boyfriend is a typical Aries in the regard of liking something and delving head first, without water in the pool. He is all about eating, drinking, talking, referencing the Buddha teachings. And he is a Show Me guy. There is no faith in his fodder. He likes science, as do I. Although in order for me to keep enjoying my pagan ties, I like some Faith and Magic.

What I do find with rudimentary Buddha teachings, before delving in as much as I possibly can, is that they are instantly applicable to everything in life. Does that mean that I’m saying the answers are easy? Hellllll to the No. It’s hard sometimes to do the right thing instead of doing the Nice Nice thing.

One change in our lives is that the boyfriend has a disease called Avascular Necrosis. The blood flow to his hips is insufficient and because he is young, it had been decided that he do the Core Decompression surgery that was suggested. Basically they drill a hole into your thigh bone that goes into your hip in order to help the flow. The hole stays empty – ah, the empty mind, the empty hip bone! Anyhoo (and I hope many Buddhists enjoy the beautiful term Anyhoo), he has been out of work since January in order to have the two surgeries and recover. I am currently the Bacon carrier. And I’m vegetarian!

This has shown to be a blessing and a challenge. My job is absolutely necessary. Without my insurance, my Domestic Partner does not get medical care or surgeries. He would simply have to create much more debt or allow his bones to collapse and then figure out how to get a total hip replacement. Because I work, we can keep paying our rent. I know he did not ask for this disease. And he currently is not taking in disability or unemployment. He is feeling better lately and that’s good. That is less that I have to do around the house in addition to working and caring for the 11 year old Humanling Deviling.

Sigh….but I can’t seem to keep my right thought in place. Would I much rather be home tending to the bird feeder, taking walks with the dog, reading to my heart’s desire, meditating, working out where I can and simply being allowed to Just Be without anyone home most of the time? Wheee ha! YEAH I would! That’s how his days go. I think the only time I have alone is in the bathroom or on the drive to and from work. Those long moments of quiet are not a part of my day. He can develop and advance himself in the mindful directions he chooses for now. Again, he did not ask for this disease and it is not his fault.

What is my fault is resentment. Not resenting that he has it, but resentment in a way that makes me think to myself, that I’ve done a lot of care taking between single mommyhood and now with him being in recuperation mode. Will I ever have it any easier? I know that my role is huge. But I admit, when I hear his relaxed voice talk about all the things he got to do during the day, I do feel bad that well, I feel BAD! I’d love to be enjoying life in a pace that does not involve the clock, the calendar, the work day. I think it baffles him when he drops his newest learnings of Buddhism on me and I am a blank slate that resembles repel-cro! It’s not that I don’t want to learn….it’s that I haven’t gotten that far in my readings, and not only that, I have much of the World still suckling on my hemispheres (haha…almost wrote Hempispheres….) and my mind usually is on a leash, outside the fence of Contemplation and Free Thought that Doesn’t Involve Work or Domestic Duties.

I get the Monday Blues like nobody’s business! How Zen is that???

The good thing here is that I am being thrown constant opportunity to apply what I am learning. And damn, some of it is HARD. Staying present is a work of wonder, if I can stay there. Although I do find that my mind races to what needs to be made for dinner, what item I might need to Google for my radio show or other sudden epiphany, and of course, being a very hot-blooded 40 year old, many many scenarios of affection and debauchery with my mate.
Which in essence, is Desire. What is the root of suffering in Buddhism? Craving. Craving my honey’s touch, attention, affection and desire for me. That’s a tall order for me to land a hoop in. I don’t see that one coming anytime soon. Without asking though, I believe he is more or less on that path. What do you do when one of you is balancing craving and the other one (namely, Me, the guilty one!) is craving that wonderful, beautiful, physical relationship that exists very deeply between two people? True, sex is not the thing that runs relationships. Or it *shouldn’t*. I don’t personally see why it has to be completely balanced unless it is causing a problem. It’s not unhealthy for you. I see why food should be balanced, work and play should be balanced, but if two people want to, why not enjoy a wonderful, bond-encouraging romp as much as you can?
Well….that is part of my challenge. That and wishing that the lottery numbers would show up as my phone number, I’d be called and would get to live a simple life at home, with garden, flowers and chickens, calendar thrown to the wind.

It’s about the Middle Way. I am Desperately Seeking the Middle Way. Or not. If I were desperate then I suppose I’d take a few days off work to axe my way there. But desperation is usually the opposite of Wise and choices that follow. So I am wanting to meander down the Middle Way and see how that feels.

Can a caretaker or the person who supplies all the Benji’s reach mindfulness and the Middle Way as easily as the person who has no time constraints? I can’t answer that but I can just put myself out there - here – on my path of new tastes.

One Lump of Buddism in my Coffee today please

A person getting enlightened is like the moon reflecting in the water. The moon does not get wet, the water is not disturbed. Though it is a great expanse of light, it reflects in a little bit of water; the whole moon and the whole sky reflect even in the dew on the grass; they reflect even in a single drop of water. Enlightenment not disturbing the person is like the moon not piercing the water. A person not obstructing enlightenment is like the dewdrop not obstructing the heavens.-Dogen, "Flowers Fall"

.....dang. Wasn't that THE MOST? I WISH I could have written that....and not only b.s.'d my way through it, experienced it daily , owned it and worn the recycled t-shirt that went with it!

I swear though, I'm on my way. When I look back, I can no longer even see the starting point.