The seasons are flowing nicely so that hard ass winter is behind us and Spring is safely docking for all to enjoy. Flowers have bloomed, the woodcock has laid her speckled, safely colored brown eggs and the garden has started. I’ve been busy with life, as we all know our own components of life to be busy for us. Whether that be playing games on Facebook, doing dishes, taking care of loved ones or kicking back with irretrievable hours of American Idol.
So much has been going on this year that my life of one year ago is unrecognizable. The boyfriend and I have opened the gate door to the Buddhist path. For my 40th birthday last November, I asked that we spend some time at the Buddhist monastery that is close to us. He loved it so much that it was also his request for his 40th which just passed. (Scoprio – Aries blend – the Mars umbrella channels much electricity!) To put what I am reading so far into practice is slowly working it’s way in naturally. I studied Buddhism many years ago but am just that kind of spunky American that finds a little of this and a dash of that and sproings off to the next thing that flits through my mind. I sometimes wonder if I have no memory retention or if I wasn’t paying attention to begin with!
I’ve played the field with all kinds of wonderful spiritual and religious theories and teachings. It appears at times that I like hanging on to my favorite parts of specific ones. That whole ritual thing with paganism….I had some good times with that in the past! Do I really and honestly believe that I’m going to throw a black safety pin in with two turntables and a microphone while closing one eye and chanting So Mote It Be, that my spell will work? Not anymore. Scott Cunningham helped shoe horn me out of that mode. His very uncomplicated versions worked more with intention than props. Props are great! Sometimes they help you more get into that Intention focus than if you simply went without Atmosphere.
Did I enjoy Catholicism? Hm. Well, I’m not sure. I suppose it feels more stable to have a *someone* probably looking out for you that will listen to your schpeel daily, without making you feel bad.
I thought about coffee bean worship but it would be off color to consume your God I suppose. However, it would totally feed into the Namaste thing when passing a fellow coffee drinker on the street…..The God in me sees the God in you. Waving to strangers no longer applies to Jeep owners!
So Buddhism has made its appearance again for me. The boyfriend is a typical Aries in the regard of liking something and delving head first, without water in the pool. He is all about eating, drinking, talking, referencing the Buddha teachings. And he is a Show Me guy. There is no faith in his fodder. He likes science, as do I. Although in order for me to keep enjoying my pagan ties, I like some Faith and Magic.
What I do find with rudimentary Buddha teachings, before delving in as much as I possibly can, is that they are instantly applicable to everything in life. Does that mean that I’m saying the answers are easy? Hellllll to the No. It’s hard sometimes to do the right thing instead of doing the Nice Nice thing.
One change in our lives is that the boyfriend has a disease called Avascular Necrosis. The blood flow to his hips is insufficient and because he is young, it had been decided that he do the Core Decompression surgery that was suggested. Basically they drill a hole into your thigh bone that goes into your hip in order to help the flow. The hole stays empty – ah, the empty mind, the empty hip bone! Anyhoo (and I hope many Buddhists enjoy the beautiful term Anyhoo), he has been out of work since January in order to have the two surgeries and recover. I am currently the Bacon carrier. And I’m vegetarian!
This has shown to be a blessing and a challenge. My job is absolutely necessary. Without my insurance, my Domestic Partner does not get medical care or surgeries. He would simply have to create much more debt or allow his bones to collapse and then figure out how to get a total hip replacement. Because I work, we can keep paying our rent. I know he did not ask for this disease. And he currently is not taking in disability or unemployment. He is feeling better lately and that’s good. That is less that I have to do around the house in addition to working and caring for the 11 year old Humanling Deviling.
Sigh….but I can’t seem to keep my right thought in place. Would I much rather be home tending to the bird feeder, taking walks with the dog, reading to my heart’s desire, meditating, working out where I can and simply being allowed to Just Be without anyone home most of the time? Wheee ha! YEAH I would! That’s how his days go. I think the only time I have alone is in the bathroom or on the drive to and from work. Those long moments of quiet are not a part of my day. He can develop and advance himself in the mindful directions he chooses for now. Again, he did not ask for this disease and it is not his fault.
What is my fault is resentment. Not resenting that he has it, but resentment in a way that makes me think to myself, that I’ve done a lot of care taking between single mommyhood and now with him being in recuperation mode. Will I ever have it any easier? I know that my role is huge. But I admit, when I hear his relaxed voice talk about all the things he got to do during the day, I do feel bad that well, I feel BAD! I’d love to be enjoying life in a pace that does not involve the clock, the calendar, the work day. I think it baffles him when he drops his newest learnings of Buddhism on me and I am a blank slate that resembles repel-cro! It’s not that I don’t want to learn….it’s that I haven’t gotten that far in my readings, and not only that, I have much of the World still suckling on my hemispheres (haha…almost wrote Hempispheres….) and my mind usually is on a leash, outside the fence of Contemplation and Free Thought that Doesn’t Involve Work or Domestic Duties.
I get the Monday Blues like nobody’s business! How Zen is that???
The good thing here is that I am being thrown constant opportunity to apply what I am learning. And damn, some of it is HARD. Staying present is a work of wonder, if I can stay there. Although I do find that my mind races to what needs to be made for dinner, what item I might need to Google for my radio show or other sudden epiphany, and of course, being a very hot-blooded 40 year old, many many scenarios of affection and debauchery with my mate.
Which in essence, is Desire. What is the root of suffering in Buddhism? Craving. Craving my honey’s touch, attention, affection and desire for me. That’s a tall order for me to land a hoop in. I don’t see that one coming anytime soon. Without asking though, I believe he is more or less on that path. What do you do when one of you is balancing craving and the other one (namely, Me, the guilty one!) is craving that wonderful, beautiful, physical relationship that exists very deeply between two people? True, sex is not the thing that runs relationships. Or it *shouldn’t*. I don’t personally see why it has to be completely balanced unless it is causing a problem. It’s not unhealthy for you. I see why food should be balanced, work and play should be balanced, but if two people want to, why not enjoy a wonderful, bond-encouraging romp as much as you can?
Well….that is part of my challenge. That and wishing that the lottery numbers would show up as my phone number, I’d be called and would get to live a simple life at home, with garden, flowers and chickens, calendar thrown to the wind.
It’s about the Middle Way. I am Desperately Seeking the Middle Way. Or not. If I were desperate then I suppose I’d take a few days off work to axe my way there. But desperation is usually the opposite of Wise and choices that follow. So I am wanting to meander down the Middle Way and see how that feels.
Can a caretaker or the person who supplies all the Benji’s reach mindfulness and the Middle Way as easily as the person who has no time constraints? I can’t answer that but I can just put myself out there - here – on my path of new tastes.
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