I am not a dainty eater. Nor am I walking in my mother's footsteps....causing the occupants of a restaurant table to pay a rent fee for the length of time it will take to finish a meal. If you put in The Godfather when my mom picks up her fork for the first bite of a meal, you are guaranteed to see the credits, outtakes, bloopers and tour of Marlon Brando's gravesite before she is done.
I just sloppily finished my bagel while at work. Today's an incredibly special day in Corporate America. We get to wear JEANS!!!! Yes! In this economy, in this job market, there are still perks on the job. It is File Cleanup day and we are stoked in advance with an email that reminds us that YES! We CAN wear jeans!! I'm personally waiting for the day when they transition us to bib overalls in order to complete my shredding, recycling and cleaning experience.
In the midst of extracting the last 10 years full of ghosts of accomplishments and old procedures, I find that my OCD hasn't been up to par since last summer. I should be freaking out about this much OLD stuff. There must be tons of dust and bacteria in the corners of these drawers or that baggie of pumpkin seeds that I found from over a year ago when I must have been on another health kick.
Wow, a year ago. Pause for a moment to remember who we were a year ago.
Are you done yet?
I'm still thinking.
I was very different. Or my life was. Me and the Humanling. I didn't have a mate. I lived a very different life....in the center of a quaint town where walking anywhere we needed to go was taken advantage of. We walked frequently to the coffee shop, spent many nights in the library or just walking the town. I certainly do walk where I am now...only I bring along some carrot or apple for the horses that I'll pass. I scout the ground for my favorite type of kindling - smooth, dry and snaps when I touch it with the aura of my pinky. I look like such a hick (sorry, self proclaimed hicks. I feel like the Geico Caveman ad now....) when I find a long branch, pull over to the side of the road, lean it up on the bumper of the jeep and crash my foot down to bust it up into bite sized pieces for the fire . Ha - I even bought my very first maul to keep in the back of the car this past weekend at Tractor Supply. Yes.....I really did. With my own money, not a gift card.
My beau is currently in between hip surgeries. This has left us in a mutual virginal situation. He's never had to be cared for in this kind of way, with the woman taking over the entire home, people and animal duties and I've never had this extension of the caretaking duties. Or rather, in my first marriage, Humanling's dad was frequently out of work and not incredibly dependable as far as cleaning house and not getting himself into a 12 pack with his friends during the day. As a prior single mom, yes, I did plenty of caretaking but only for me and the Humanling and the small zoo. Now throw in a man and a dog. It doesn't seem like much and I really can't account for why I can feel even more worn down with one more human and animal in the mix.
I give a lot of credit to you dog owners. That's a labor of love right there. I am a cat girl. Get Cat. Put Cat in House. Feed. Change Litter. Pat pat pat. Watch it walk off after giving the Warning Glare during petting when fill has been reached. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeasy! Dogs.....that's a new shape and texture for me. I'm not used to having an extra set of eyes staring at me while I eat. Or the sound that has become the bane of my existence every evening - male dog genital slurping. Awful. Just awful. God created this sound specifically to keep me from getting too comfortable. They say that what irks you is something you need to work on, therefore I am forced to meet my lessons every day. Yes, I know that cats do it too.....but their tongues are smaller and the noise factor is greatly diminished. Plus I have girl cats so they aren't trying to swallow their appendages on a regular basis.
I have found that I am a different person in a relationship than alone. But isn't that like saying when I'm in water, I'm wet? How obvious! PLEASE! Don't bore people! But really....think about one relationship to another to being alone....how different we can be in all of these things. Maybe what's really important is the Why. Why are we different? Why are we every women? Why is it all in me? Hahaha. Sorry. Now the song is stuck in my head and will hopefully be dismissed as soon as I get into my car and head home.
But why with one person, be secure and laid back, while suddenly having epic attacks of the obsessive kind about tons of things? Or when alone, some people crumble and some are having the best time? For me I find that when alone, I am usually all about embracing positive change, transformation, progression. When in a relationship, I can start to put too much emphasis on finding out what makes the other person tick, what makes them happy and how to work with that. Why is that so bad? Well...its not. However, all things in moderation. If you find yourself all about making the other person happy, and you happen to have a person who also believes in making sure they are happy, then that guy is a lucky dude! Until the woman realizes that she's lost herself in it. Ooooo....ewwwwww.....uncomfortable topics. Resentment, passive aggressive behavior, commanding telepathy instead of communication...none of this is productive, and if it is, it won't be for long unless the pair has no issue being unhappy and kept in emotional check.
I will admit that my partner and I have only been together for seven months and two things go with that - a) we have had a few doozies of arguments and b) we are both looking toward the future together. I can't speak for him, but I'm learning who he is as opposed to the big collective grouping that involves all my past experiences, expectations and reactions. It seems like he started off the same way. And after our last mushroom cloud of an event, we decided that it can't happen that way anymore. We have to be honest - and gentle - but honest. I don't like to admit bad moods when they hit. But now if one of us feels a creeper of a mood, we just say it. I don't like admitting that now I seem to experience mood issues that orbit my cycle. That never used to be an issue. I also know that my body changes with each partner. So now instead of trying to hold it in and hold up a paper plate smiley face to block my scowl, I go to my beloved and just say basically, Welp, we're embarking on that week now. We both know what that means. Best as I can try to keep myself together, I will. But if there isn't a time to bring up suggestive hints on how I can better myself or how I do things, this will be the week that the tongue should be postponed. The moon will wane, my canines and incisors will slide back into their rightful shape and place.
***Quick note to those who work in offices around other people.......There is no reason to snap your fingers and clap your hands for the duration every time you get out of your seat and walk around. The annoyance factor is off the charts.***
Back to our program.
I've been through 2 marriages and a basketful of meaningful/less relationships and thought I'd learned a lot. And I did! But now its taking those results and applying them here. This for me is one of the biggest learning relationships. That's not a bad thing at all - in fact, its actually liberating. It's not necessarily my partner that I am being forced to look at. It's me. And for some reason, it's sort of a relief. It means that I can try to identify my issues, work on them and hopefully, eventually, wipe them off the map! Or at least pencil them in rather than have them solidified in Sharpie. That's what this relationship is bringing to me and to him too. I'm looking forward to figuring it out and feeling free from my own restraints. Think I'll go make a pot of coffee now and celebrate!
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