Another beautiful day, working from home. The bird feeder is rather low and I suspect that their faith in us will only go so far, until we refill it. Either that or else I'm going to open the door after hearing a faint knock and will find a flapping friend with a vendetta in my face stressing a strong hint.

As I work I enjoy checking out NPR or the New York Times podcasts. I find this time to be an excellent avenue to learn. I also get to choose what I'm going to hear instead of having the constrant scroll of doom being stuffed down my throat. Do I want to remain oblivious to the world's not so stellar moments of human fallabilities? Not so much. For me its similar to animal slaughter. I know it exists, I won't try and paint rainbows and robotic smiley faces over it but I don't need to navigate my way into the middle of it and make it my mind's soundtrack. We do need much positive energy to make this planet an even better place and while it is imperative to drop any sense aloofness to the plight of others, we aren't going to change things from a low level.

NPR also has a fabulous page for new music. This morning I have been enthralled with a new jazz find. It's jazz, yeeeeahhhh......BUT it sounds like a sensual sashay into an exotic moment. It is a strong Being on the opposite side of the room with a penetrating gaze that locks into you and the rest of the room disappears as it moves closer, all intentions to move into and inebriate you. Head here and play El Gaucho Rojo.

Step dog, aka Moaning Myrtle (its a male but anyone should be honored to have a Harry Potter reference bestowed upon them) is subtle this morning. Happy to laze on the loveseat, time punctuated by a drop by from our common love, his daddy, mi amore. At times he tries to fit himself in my tiny lap and like an odd couple with much fondness for each other, we just can't make it right and have to give in to the inflexibility of our forms. He hops back down, we are lightly sorry, but not offended. It just isn't going to happen today.

Work is good today, as it is most days, with the threat of my common sense and rational getting love blind from moment to moment. My mistakes are plain silly when they happen and are probably due to my obsessive Scorpio nature to dive deep into my heart and allow the exchange that exists between mi amore and I to swirl around and engulf me completely. It's the kind that makes you miss your turn while driving, or to not hear someone call your name. The kind that causes you to apologize to your workmates and whine that falling in love is difficult to balance with mundane chores. We should all be so happy to daydream about our actual reality and hope for an understanding smile when we misplace our sense of detail due to such escapades.

Cheers for a wonderful weekend to all!

Autumn Breeze

The sky is gray, arm in arm with the cool but mild breeze today. The end of September is blossoming into the infancy of autumn, gentle and sensual. Slow. Affectionate, like a lover with no time constraints.

I realize that everything I love to surround myself with is in my life. Rows of strong, silent but powerful trees. A garden that nourishes us. Happy animals. A large yard and then some. The best damn coffee I've ever had right down the road. Opportunities for Humanling to be a kid. A mate who is everything I could possibly want - we share so much, we exchange stories, favorite shows, ideas, future dreams. We strive for the health that will take us together into spider veins, shuffling feet and long walks with hands entwined. He strives to help me parent Humanling, for us to make a home together (currently we are in a structure with a small floor path in between boxes of my stuff and some of his dusty and stagnant things). We agree that we are a unit so that Humanling sees us as such and not as Mom and her boyfriend.

He brings home flowers often. He shows me the joy of a good wine. And an even better scotch.

Humanling now sits down to a family dinner more often than not. A severe difference from the single mommy style of me putting food in front of her and me running back into the kitchen to prepare the next day's lunches or start the dishes. We have slowed down in that respect, and sit together as a family. Something she and I have not had much experience with.

We went to Humanling's Open House at her school last night. The arrangement was such that we were to follow her schedule and sit in each classroom (7 of them) to hear each teacher's mission and ask questions, time permitting.

I'd look at him, sitting there at these middle school desks, me next to him. In the Science Lab, we were side by side and it reminded me of when we met in middle school ourselves. Only we didn't have any classes together. This time I could look over at him, how handsome he is, and my heart would explode every time he looked over at me and smiled. Or gently took my hand under the table. He asked questions in some rooms, showing care for Humanling's schooling and to help understand what our roles are in helping to shape her educational world. (Turns out, we are nearly to be full time academic teachers!)

How different it was, this time around, being in middle school with him. As kids we'd meet up in the hall only to skip class. A lot. Now we are being responsible parents, sharing sweet memories of our own middle school experience.

He wants to be the male guardian that Humanling has never had. And the best one at that. Knowing his Aries tendencies, he is not even going to have to try. He just will be.

I am freeze framing this moment so that I can always know how good life is. I work from home at least two days a week regularly. My office schedule is well timed, as is Humanling's school arrangements. He is beyond funny and intelligent. His wit leaves me breathless. Just a few of my favorite things.

I sit at night by the fireplace, cozied up on the loveseat with the man of my dreams, the first boy I ever shared a kiss filled with desire, more than a mere peck but a surge of our hormonal experimentation together. He has on his news shows, I might watch, moreso listen to what he comments on it, share a thought or two and have a book in my hand, while also being connected to him. We have a slow drink, or not. We fall asleep until one of us wakes up and leads the other to bed. This is what love feels like to me. Wanting only to expand on the goodness and open heartedness of what is already there.

What color is your Whine?

I was on the phone with my mom, going over the latest news....the celebrity deaths this week of Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett, as well as the newest friend findings on Facebook. I was trying to do something nice and maybe pick her up a bottle of wine as a little gift, just because. Or maybe for a future Sitting the Humanling favor. In gaging what she drinks, (lately I'm sure it is boxed white zinfindel), I asked her what color it was.

Me: What color is it?

Mom: I don't know. You think I would know from having it all the time.

Me: Well, is it pink?

Mom: The color pink?

{Silence}

Me: No. The number pink.


Just one of those ha ha mom moments. The woman who allowed me to watch the Excorcist when I was nine. Kids these days laugh at that movie like we laugh at the old Godzillas. Personally, I am spooked beyond the capacity of the strength of my heart at that movie. I can't even watch a commercial for it. All of my worst nightmares bear the mark of the unseen supernatural, maybe right behind a curtain so that the curtain gives it form, such as a hand thrusting out to grab me, when when the curtain is moved.....nothing is there.

On another note, I am not against people expressing their opinions. However, when it is just in mean spirit, it really isn't becoming. There have been some incredibly tasteless statements this week regarding the recent deaths. I'm all for dark humour...and there are ways of doing it. But severely kicking a person when they're gone (or as someone else pointed out, and they're right - alive) seems completely unnecessary. Whatever Michael Jackson may have done while alive, he has met his maker, its between them. When someone can show me the manual that we received on being perfect, sin-free humans, then we'll PDF it and pass it around. We'll create a Facebook group "Now You Have No Excuse". I don't condone anything that Michael was accused of at all and yeah, I wouldn't leave my child with a suspected child molester...I'd err on the side of caution but then again, I wouldn't leave my daughter with ANY male alone with a small number of exceptions. Not until she learns Tae Kwon Do and has an error rate of zero when kicking a target.

I highly doubt that anyone who reads this blog is a mean spirited person. I "know" some of you and you guys are just wonderful.

Well, as Saturday morning calls, it is time to clean and get the EPA off my back since one of the cats bombed the box again and the air is inhospitable in here.

A beautiful day to everyone!

Malcom Makes an Appearance

Me: Put your socks and sneakers on. We can't play badmitton in flip flops.
Humanling: Why?
Me: Because you'll trip all over the place. C'mon, go change.

She doesn't change.

Me: (walking into another room and calling out) Put on your socks and sneakers.

{Accordion plays in the next room}

Humanling: That song was called "You're not the boss of Me"

Then quickly adds with a huge smile -

"I'm just kidding though!"

Yeah kid. The truth in humour....

Food Matters by Mark Bittman

I could swear that I wrote this book. But due to the fact that meat is optional, I realize that my name is not Mark Bittman.

Mark champions some very common sense and real ideas. Basically, this would be very similar to how Humanling and I are already eating. There is moderation, there is anything you want, however, most of the day's calories should be whole foods - veggies, fruit, beans, as well as meat and fish, although not in huge quantities.

Mark also maintains a lesser of the evils stance with the environment - local food vs organic food that has been shipped a thousand miles and the effect of eating meat multiple times a day as far as raising livestock goes

The main idea here is to eat as many vegetables in a day that you can. The author does not subscribe to the adage of eating like a pauper at night - at least not for himself. He consumes his largest meals at night and enjoys wine with dinner.

Not only does he remind us of the obvious (which in my opinion is good because if people didn't need a reminder we wouldn't have so much obesity, cancer and heart disease) but he walks his talk in the second half of the book with some really decent recipes. Easy recipes and with variations! He is very much about individuality.

It's an easy read with an important factor - how to eat for life. You'll definitely think about your next choice.

Speaking of lifelong dietary changes, tomorrow on Scorpion Equinox, we will be speaking with guest, Christopher Gautrau. Chris, an active 30 something, is a listener of our show who was inspired after hearing our show with Tina Volpe, to try going vegetarian. He broke up with meat over 2 months ago and we are so curious to hear how he is doing, what he misses and how he decided not to look back. Chris also has a wife and two kids and frequently updates his Facebook status with the play by play of what type of excercise he is about to do or has just finished doing!

I Saw You....and HIM...walking in the rain.....

What time is it?! Summa Time! It's our vacation!

And so the words of teenybopper lyrics are blasted from my Saturn as Humanling and I drive along this morning. School is officially out today, although she's been out for days.

We did have to visit her school to pick up her things. I couldn't find my child as the entire class swarmed over like starving bees on one flower. She was hugged to a pulp and then I felt guilty for us having to leave. I noticed all the flowers and teddy bears on the teacher's desk and thought to myself...."Oh shite." I forgot to buy her teacher a gift. I'm really bad with this stuff. My calendar really needs to be an in-person task list that talks. So we left the school ("Don't touch the doorknobs!") and I went to the grocery store that we always see the teacher in and got her a gift card, along with four scratch offs. Is that legit? Can you give those kinds of gifts? Will the Humanling end up with a mug shot taken off her Amber Alert?

We dropped the gifts off at the office and left again. Only for me to hear the words that would start my adrenals at the ready mark: "My head is spinning." And then she started choking and coughing. Suddenly.

WHAT?!

So instead of going to the store to get our refrigerated probiotics, gluten free breads, etc., we came straight home so that I could "fix it" as best as I could. Propped up in bed, fan on full blast, cold wet washcloth and something on tv that is funny. Whatever it is, add humour.

It's about an hour later and she's out here doing a puzzle on the floor. Ok, that's good so far.

Rewind now to yesterday. El and I went to get our marriage license and then walked through the rain for at least a couple of hours. Well. We started off walking, then ended up sloshing, squishing and riding the flood through Central Park. The last part would have been fun if it had actually happened.

We went to the one spot I had been talking about forever, "The Mall". It's also the opening scene in "The Happening" (which scared the Eff out of me - I hate scary), the first movie in all of our (at that time) 12 years that we ever saw together in a theater. In photos, the Mall looks so serene and full of unseen energy that is unhuman. In person on day 90 of rain, it is exactly that. We couldn't gage how it would look with people deposited on benches or riding through on bikes, skateboards or other devices with wheels. It gave itself to us as the only way that I really know it. We had planned this day 3 weeks in advance so we couldn't know how the weather would be. And it was here that I pulled out his wedding ring to see if it fits. (Wasn't that a good association trick, El? Now we HAVE to get married in that spot!).

We did end up trailing a very small wedding party near the Belvedere. There were two British women laughing their giddy butts off. Something had happened that we didn't quite see but these women were at least in their 60s, more like 70s. They were doubled over, umbrella in hand, skirts full of water marks. It was so refreshing to see what had to be drunk before noon elders as opposed to complainers about the weather.

At some point I became too giddy...all of us in this region must be getting mold on our lungs. Too much moisture, it's been raining for nearly 2 weeks, almost straight. I am so glad to be container gardening so that I can just dump the water out of the bottom of the pots and then bring my traumatized veglings in.

El and I sat in a restaurant eating gluten free cheese rolls for a bit before the search was on. I love that he shows me new things based on what he already knows about me. All of his actions are dictated by generous thought (at least I think so). As we sat I excitedly told him about my idea for a book that I started. He responded positively and we mused on how marriage is like a new beginning. We will be a new entity, and in my view, we should be who we want to be.

Our marriage license states our occupations as who we are working toward being as opposed to our day jobs.

Eventually after sloshing around in CP for a long time, we (or rather, I know I was) did a Frankenstein walk to Kmart to buy dry clothes, cheap and fast. We purchased flip flops to relieve our feet from the socks that would be peeled off in a Starbucks bathroom. I needed to use my foot to free my opposite leg from my glued on jeans.

A beautiful rainy day for walking in the park.

And now my loverlies, I must take my non-ailing child out to do errands.

Summer starts Now for Humanling!

Word of Mouth in the coffee shop today: A small factoid about the 21 Gun Salute. Two men bantering back and forth to me about who is going to tell me about it. Finally one of them says that its been dragged out and he may as well just tell me....to which the 2nd guy says that well, he didn't actually retain the information that he was given in the last half hour. Finally the barista tells me: In 1776 they invented the 21 gun salute for people in the military as the numbers 1+7+7+6 = 21. Ta dah!

Made sense to me mathematically, so I was able to go home with one less thing to ponder.

I am working from home today. Humanling's school is not out yet. Their last day is Friday. Last week I checked their website looking for calendar information in order to figure out what days were half days so that I could plan accordingly and not receive that dreadful phone call about accidentally forgetting and having my child bussed over all town only to be regurgitated back at the school when no one was outside waiting for her. It has happened. I am running to be the worst mom in this town. Along with weirdest and most paranoid.

While checking the website, I see a notification for the H whatever with a 1, an F and possible an N in it....my brain quickly puts it together as the swine flu code. I checked out the notice and this was as of last Friday....one kid with a confirmed case and is back in school. This school has only 2 grades in it so it isn't that big. I called the school to confirm that they are cleaning. They said cleaning as usual, nothing different. I asked if they dealt with the keyboards on the computers in the library and the gym equipment. I didn't get a real answer to that....which leads me to think that I'm in the wrong business. I should be running a cleaning company! So I figured, ok don't panic. The principal tells me that only one other kid is out with a flu but not sure if it is the same. So I sent Humanling to school on Monday and Tuesday this week.

She came home from school yesterday telling me that her friend told her that they think her brother has the swine flu. Since it wasn't one of the kids that I typically know to be a bit with dramatic flair, I produced one sweat bead over it. People who know me - I don't actually sweat hardly at all....so that was like a bucket.

I didn't want to call the school again and sound paranoid so I called my stepdad and verbally scripted him, gave him the number and waited for his call back. The school was closed so I checked the website again. Apparently five more kids were out with a flu but were awaiting test results. As well, they indicated that a few more kids were out sick.

I am a germophobe. I developed a thick skin a long time ago when I was unpopular for hating rides at the amusement park as a kid. So no amount of teasing or mocking me is going to have an effect on my actions. I simply don't care what other people think when it comes to what is important to me. All I know is that under normal circumstances, this wouldn't be much fun and mixing it with epilepsy just sounds like a bad idea.

I made up my mind and looked at Humanling and said, "You're last day of school was today." She only had 2 and a half days left. And was going to be off anyway for one of them while I go to NY to scout out wedding locales with El. Humanling is pretty versed in hygiene. She knows what the rules are as far as that goes and that's not what I'm worried about. She's still only ten and is a tiny kid who other kids love to pick up and take her by the hand and pull her around the playground. She also has a habit of touching her face constantly. I would probably have a bee on my lips and still would be looking around for a clean tissue to remove it.

So....am I paranoid? Of course. But I'm also realistic. Seven plus kids getting sick within a week in a small school? Not going to chance it. All that she will miss is the small buffet on Friday and she can't eat anything off of there anyway. Nor would I want her to at this point with all the hands on everything. Eeeek! That's my version of hell. Or one of the many that I've conjured up.

Other versions include potatoes left to their own devices in a dark cabinet for 4 months and reaching in unbeknowest and touching all the sprouts.

But enough about me.

Today our show on Scorpion Equinox is going to feature Angelica Harris along with Corey Blake in the 2nd half hour! Angelica has quite the journey, having a husband and son both afflicted with Tourette's syndrome. She wrote a book, "Excalibur Reclaims Her King" and her website is www.angelicaharris.com. Should be very interesting!!!

Doctor Visit for a half hour vs Helicopter Mother's Observation

I would so laugh at the term "Helicopter Mom" if I wasn't one. However I do think that mine is out of necessity of my beautiful Humanling, who has had seizures upon waking up from sleep and has jellybean jar full of food sensitivities, along with sun sensitivity, noise sensitivity and just all around Feelings Sensitivity.



Her first major seizure happened in August of 2008 and jolted me into finally taking her food sensitivities without the grain of salt. The day before the seizure, she'd indulged in nothing but all of them and multiple times. It had been quite the gluttonous summer Friday for us. We haven't had one since. We used to stop out on Friday nights, order ourselves the vegetarian version of junk food through a McDonald's drive up window. A cheeseburger, no cheese, extra onion and pickle. We felt like "normal" people who can enjoy that sort of mainstream junk stop. After that we would head to Borders for a drink that involved a lot of milk and whipped cream and sugar. Or maybe ice cream. Or maybe have pizza, full of gluten, dairy and tomatoes (one of the many nemeses for Humanling). I reasoned that it was 'once in a while' and it was 'ok to cheat'. Until her seizure that woke me out of my sleep. I thought she was kidding, and quickly my sleepy brain realized that this was exactly what I knew was possible but never thought would actually happen.

She is on two black box medications and going into puberty within the next few years. Her risk of suicide and depression being amped even one percent is jarring. She's had six seizures since August of 2008 and although it is scary and not something that I celebrate, I do celebrate that it has only been six, and not anything worse at this point.

We had to fill out standard forms for next year's school, for summer camp, etc. Her neurologist wanted a visit before filling forms out. So we did the visit that I knew would be a guilt session. I am no expert on epilepsy, but I am really good at knowing things about my daughter. I was made to feel guilty that we hadn't visited in so long. However, I knew any visits would only involve medication increases. I know that forums on the internet do not substitute for medical knowledge, but I have learned how very individual people are with this affliction. How food, sunlight, fat, protein, vitamins, herbs, emotions, hormones, can all play a part in what happens with the body. I brought this up to the neuro who stated rather curtly that food sensitivity effects on seizures "haven't been proven". Nor any other part of the diet or environment. I stated that food sensitivity is a stressor on the body and stress of any kind can produce a seizure.

She told me that two of the seizures that I saw weren't seizures. One not being possible because Humanling spoke through it. She called that one a "movement disorder". The other seizure she termed a "fainting spell" even though the child never fell, never passed out.

Then she said it was time to do a sleep deprivation EEG. This means that my child would be forced to stay awake for about 24 hours in the hopes of stressing her body enough to make her go into seizures so that she can be studied. I felt my tears about to let the dam loose and looked down, "taking notes" in order to compose myself. I finally said 'No. I'm not comfortable with that." Her neuro then reminded me that we'd have to do the simple EEG that we do every year, seeing as I'm "not comfortable". Then she stated that I am awfully calm for a parent who's child has had six seizures. I replied that anything else wouldn't be helpful.

I left there in a silent fury with a radio show to do in the next hour. Thank God for good friends and a good partner. And of course, the power of creativity since the show helped me to diffuse without going near the subject.

So I am currently on the Google path for a holistic neurologist who will hopefully take insurance. If not, then I will have to see what I can do. I want a doctor who will help me take my child off these medications and help us in another way. Humanling has been on these medications for years and I have to wonder two things - did her seizures get worse because she needs them raised? Or did they get worse because she's on them at all? Her meds were raised after the first big seizure. They didn't stop the next five.

I'm not trying to say that doctor's don't know anything. They do, but an integrative approach can at least be welcomed. She doesn't seem to believe in it.

I want to see my child feel normal and be able to process her emotions more like a person not on medication. I feel like a huge hypocrite who megaphones "natural health" everywhere and then spoon pharmaceuticals down my kid's throat twice a day.

A lifetime really needs to be at least 250 years. Imagine how much more we could learn and integrate if that were true!

Siesta Lane - Book Review

I've decided to start reviewing the books that I read on this blog now as well. After all, most of my drama - or old drama has died, the skin completely rotted away and nothing left but the bones, and really, there isn't much more to dissect with those. Life constantly moves into new territories and as a gal who usually has a book in her hand while she walks, how have I not previously done any reviews here?

I just finished "Siesta Lane" by Amy Manato. I'm not sure how some people are able to do what the author does here. She is able to take time off of what we all consider to be a "normal" and "necessary" existence in order to go move into a remote location on minimal income. People do this though and to me it almost seems to be a milestone of sorts, a bridge to cross in many lives. It's that seeking a cabin in a community without running water, etc and getting to know the cycles of nature. Amy's seems like the duality of a dance between grace and a strong reserve to recognize one's frailty.

We are, for all intensive purposes, an evolved species. We have invented and use a million more tools than others, although other species probably share their tools much more readily than to sell them for profit as we do. And at some point, it seems that many of us have convenienced ourselves into a fuzzy pool of "what is this all about?"

The pre-packaged and processed foods, time spent in front of a television, lack of knowing what plants in the wild are what, slopping down a hamburger with no reverance for the high number of lives that went into that one patty, the video games, text messages, and foils in our hair, highlighting and framing our canvases that hold the amount of Swirl and Tap Bare Essentials make up. It's what we've become with our progression up the ladder without turning around to see that the rungs behind us are breaking one by one.

The author does work, but needs to go into town to do so, as do the other members of their small community. However, she does get to know the rhythms of nature, summer and winter, how to survive them and fully realizes with the poetry of introspection, how we affect this world and how we have allowed other things to become more important.

Her account does not go into day by day details, but weaves in and out of observations, poetry written during bursts of inspirational observation and although it doesn't really play out like a story, it plays out as an easy read with some really thought provoking reminders about Life - not just human life, Life as an entity.

My first review would have been "The Daily Coyote" by Shreve Stockton, but I brought it back to the library before I could do one. However, I will say here, it was a damn good book. A true story about a brave and eccentric woman who takes in an orphaned 10 day old coyote in Wyoming, and decides to see how it goes in raising him. Shreve has a blog in which for free, once a week you can receive a photo of Charlie the coyote in his various moments of living with his unconventional clan. You can check out her blog at http://www.dailycoyote.net/.

Rainy Day O'Clock

I started my morning off at my local coffee haunt. I spoke to my brood of locals as I unpacked my jar of raw honey and prettied up my joe with a glob of it and then a sprinkle of cinnamon. I usually don't get to take too much time to sit with them and just chat so I did. I had nowhere to be in a hurry at that time and it was pouring out. One of them is a musician, always sitting with a gigantic book the size of a large print triple bible in front of him. It's always open like he's reading it but I'm pretty sure that I've never seen him reading. He is usually talking to each person that walks in. This is how I saw him moons ago and I must admit that I can be hard to warm up when a male speaks to me that I don't know. I can never tell what the intention is. Once I deem the male is not going to take my commradarie as a bedroom token, then my smile softens, my laugh is louder and I will make sure to have subsequent conversations. I've deemed my group at the coffee shop as 'safe'. As one comes in and joins our conversation, another leaves it. We speak to another former airplane pilot who recently learned that he has diabetes. He says his wife jumped on board immediately to help out and change their diets, but not before almost beating him. We talk about an inflammed spot on his leg for a bit and ponder what it can be about. Then he brings up the flight that went down recently. The musician, the pilot and I try to come up with reasons for various questions that the whole thing presents. The pilot states that a pilot will never intentionally fly into a thunderstorm and that the most dangerous thing is ice. He says that a body will sink first and then float two or three days later after it is bloated. He believes that the plane did not explode in the air high up or else the blood boils. I've never heard of this and I stopped him to hear more about that. Our blood boils? He says it does at high altitudes, that the boiling point is lower...due to air pressure...yadda yadda (I can't remember everything and I don't want to misquote him). Interesting, I didn't know. Oh - that's what it was - we were trying to figure out if these poor people had to suffer. If they had to plunge down and then drown, still being alive. He says no. The topic moves on to another man who joins us and talks about his cacti for sale. I give him every excuse as to why I don't need one right now. He counters it. We change the subject. He has a farm and today he felt would not be a useful day to do much with it. A farm? I'm intrigued. El and I talk about things like that. We both adore the richness of modern life with internet and shelter, clean, accessible running water and heat. We both adore the idea of a load of lush land, animals roaming, raising our own hens for eggs. I always throw a goat and pig in there although the pig would simply be our pet. The goat would work it on the grass, keeping the need for a constant manicure down.
Recently we've added the thought of my older daughter, Miz Eye to the mix. If we had that, we'd welcome her and her boyfriend to come live there as well with their dog. Such a peaceful and colorful thought. I think we share good ideas and build on them so nicely. And sometimes I know that we watch each other at work on daily life things and have learned to step back and really watch. Many times we adopt things from each other. Years ago I wouldn't give up My Way for anything, even if it wasn't convenient. Now it takes me mere hours before I think I like his idea better and that I'll upgrade. Then I wonder if he hasn't perfected that one simple things for years, just for me to see it and use it. I hope he also takes something from his frazzled and scattered bride, even if it is simply inspiration.

It takes a day off work to exfoliate the last 10 years. I should be iconicly shiny when this day is over and my shedding of old names has completed.

When I got married in 1997, I leapt at the chance to change my name and do my part to be a 50's housewife. Ok, a 50's housewife that wore the pants in the family, earned the household pay and arranged for strong people to carry hubby to the car once he was one moment to passing out at the bar. Even after divorcing, I left my social security number under the old name. I had simply moved my maiden name when I originally changed it to the center and voila - it seemed easy enough to follow the name trail.

When I married the second time, I didn't realize at first how jealous, inthinkably possessive and fragilly insecure my suckling husband was. Yes, maybe it was because he was young or maybe it was because he already was unhappy, having tried to kill himself before he bounded into my life with a transparent ball and chain on timer, waiting to slowly become more and more visible and exposed. Many ridiculous episodes ensued bringing these to light but one of the many self perceived boo hoo indulgences was due to tax time. I had to file under my first husband's last name.

I would personally think to myself, oh well, we're getting money back right? File under the woman's name across the street! Who cares - just bring home the return! Not that I don't understand that this could be a momentary lapse in happiness for some people. Especially folks who don't want to remember that their mate is not a freshly squeezed virgin right off the tree. I mean sorry, but I do have two kids. That kind of blows any sense of denial out of the option box. This is the kind of thing that could ruin two days worth of peace in the house in my 2nd marriage.

I have changed these things now because it needs to be done. Because I am tired of calling a credit card company or utility or doctor's office and having to play the match game with names. Am I under Smith? No? Try Jones. Wait, try O'Jones, no apostrophe. I've lost all surname dignity at this point and have decided to cut my list of non essential things that I care about, slightly short of keeping this one.

As I sat inside at the DMV this morning, I saw actually how good natured our DMV employees seem to be. Unless they knew I was going to blog about DMV employee behavior today and someone whispered "A spy among us!" when I walked in. One employee was especially kind to an elderly woman who was very put off that she had to run out to her car and retrieve yet another document to bring the total weight of her paper stack to about 5.4 lbs. The DMV woman assured her that no way, she did not want her to have to stand back in line again so just come right back to the window.

As I sat waiting to have my photo re-taken, I could hear the voice of an elderly man say beyond my veil of sight, "How's my hair? It's my last one!" with a good natured tone.

I didn't realize before handing my license over that I'd already seen it for the last time as they needed a new aura to go with my name change. I remember the morning of the prior photo. It was during the marriage of my self imposed slavery, trying to give every form of food available to a being who was thirsty instead or simply didn't have a mouth. My smile in the photo made me look playful, hair tossled...deceptively happy expression. Now my license proudly takes my two toned hair (growing out all the red and allowing my natural blonde to come flowering back out now that my transition from old self to newer version is at a different phase) and allows me to fully embody that alcoholic mom look.

From there it was off to the bank where really, the only option was to close out my 10 year account and open a new one. A bank account that I'd started with my first husband, although his name was never on the account. ("When you get a job honey, THEN mama will let you hold the debit card...."). When Number Two came along, I put him on my account. They make it so easy to get married, add names but ending things isn't as easy as a flaming bonfire. I bid adieu to the account that spanned the last ten years and all that went with it that needs to be carried away with the next wind.

Going to social security after that was even better. "Here is my marriage certificate from the first marriage but this is the divorce certifiate from my last marriage". My thought process was basically that I'm not in Utah (sorry Utahians) and I should hope that this sporadic paper trail will piece together my identity.

Wonderful, all done finally. Now today I will spend time on the phone calling various direct debits to change my information so that they can continue to get their monthly payments......or WILL I?

If He Wore White, His Mom Would Have Fainted

I don't write in a couple of weeks and this is the best that I can do? I can't top this. Better known as The Not Ugly Jonas brother clumsily cascading around in a tight black cat suit.

Someone slipped this boy his very first five tequila shots and a pair of high heels. Go Joe!

Get my Fancy Gloves!

Good Sunday Morning!

Humanling and I are listening to the new Depeche Mode as I have my coffee and she draws a picture. Depeche Mode is just one of those bands that no matter how good or bad the previous effort was, I have to follow and keep up with them. Korn fell off the list a long time ago unfortunately. NIN is another one, along with Linkin Park, Bjork and Tori Amos that I have to pick up the bread crumb trail for.

I think I am blogging right now to avoid cleaning the guinea pig cages. Something in my mind knows that I still have to do it but every moment I am not doing it is quite ok with me. Plus, no matter how clean I try to keep the cat boxes, one of them (Azrael mostly) deuces it and destroys square blockage of the neighborhood in the process. It doesn't help that I use "natural" cat litter....stuff made from corn with no toxins (unless of course it is probably GMO corn...I know ingesting it is not good but can you coat a turd in it without reprecussion?) Therefore it doesn't really coat scent well. We have gotten so used to not using the overperfumed and toxic cat litter though that even using a little bit to mix in with the corn litter is just too much dust and perfume for us.

I am attempting some container gardening this year. I try to walk my talk and so I'm really trying. The Farmer's Almanac online is my virtual leader. If they say plant beets today, I plant beets. If they say throw a dime onto the yellow line in the road to yield a better green bean, then they must be right. Right?

So far we've only just planted beets and carrots. I started training our squirrels to eat off the deck a few months ago. I used to feed them on the deck and they would always be there. We are on the 2nd floor so I've been throwing their food far from where ours will be and hopefully they will keep their affairs to the ground level.

On Friday at work I can't believe I did something so silly. When you were a kid, did you ever cry during a meal that had something like corn in it? Then during the hyperventilating part, inhale the item whole and start choking? Just trying to set this up here. I heated up my food at work in the toaster oven like I always do, and it's usually quite hot, hence - heating up the food. I put a spoonful of white beans in my mouth and they were so hot that I opened my mouth to suck in some air to cool them off and of course, inhaled a bean. I managed to chew and swallow the rest before busting out, red-faced and trying to be mute about it. However, no one is allowed to cough, sneeze or wince in my workplace without inquiry from the pod people around you. Through my tears and coughs I held up my drink "I'm alright!" to drive further looks and questioning away. During this whole thing, Capricorn had been emailing me back and forth about some enviro debate we were having. Me questioning him about his possible choice of buying a third vehicle when he already has a truck, a car or two and a motorcycle. He sits close enough to me to usually let me know he can hear me laughing, etc. and then I get an email from him during all the coughing and its sticking to the topic as if nothing is going on. Not that I wanted him to ask but its just too obvious. Like if he was on fire and I went over and asked him if he can help me fix the copier. I thought it was rather funny, like perhaps he might win the debate if I were getting the Heimlich and couldn't email back right away.

And yet still, my distraction during the episode continues. I was also laughing in the middle of choking as I thought of a story that El told me once. He was on the subway and was I believe, facing someone's side with the way the seats are on some trains. He choked on his coffee and sprayed it all over the person and coughed throughout at least 15 minutes of the ride. He says the person got up and moved. I'd be so grossed out to be spattered on by a stranger in NYC.

So the thought made me just laugh and cough and laugh and cough. It makes me think to myself that I hope when I leave this planet, my last thought is funny.

Capricorn does not know I am getting married yet as whenever in the past I have given him news of a marriage or new boyfriend, his opinion is always the same - it won't work out unless it is with him. I'm not eager to hear a rehash of his opinion this time so who knows when I will drop the M bomb on him.

Speaking of my cool M bomb, I have heard from my fiance's brother on Facebook which is SO cool. My new family lives in another hemisphere so I'm sure it might be like discovering a new species for both sides. I am planning to write to his mother this weekend (maybe it will even keep me from doing the crap boxes even longer) but probably will try to use a translation site since they speak Portugese.

On Show related news - Stacy from www.SafeCosmetics.org was quite an excellent guest and left us with a very useful tool to check out what's in your name brand products and how toxic they might really be. This week's guest is going to be Sherrie Brooks Vinton, author of "Real Food Revivial" which is a kick ass book. I always think I know a little something and there is always so much more to learn! She is going to address all sorts of angles regarding the food we eat, including GMOs, labelling, factory farming, etc. She is quite the wealth of knowledge and if I didn't want to know anything about it so that I could continue to eat and supply the machine with my money and my body, I wouldn't be able to read this book. So join us on Wednesday, May 20th at 5:30pm. If you can't make it, that's fine. We're archived, baby!!! You can always find us and our shows at www.blogtalkradio.com/scorpion-equinox-. They're good to listen to during work or to download for your walk, your work out time, etc. And we have a good beat!

Well I am certain that the noxious fumes have amped since I've been writing so it is time to dutifully attend to my furry children.

x0x0x0x

Ben Franklin Croissant?

Hooray for work from home Thursday! I'm here with my buddies, Regis & Kelly. I've actually thought about asking Regis to help me find a good restaurant in NYC to accomodate our apres wedding detail. Normally this might be an easy task. However, we have my ultra prized Humanling with us and any tipping of the scales regarding sleep, excitement, diet or sun can predispose her to a wedding day or day after seizure. She will need to be handled with the utmost care and I am entrusting one or two of my closest buds to shuttle her to and fro over the state lines. One of those buddies is Organic, who is thankfully lending me her services and steely enough to take on the challenges of feeding my darling. Not to mention the potential challenge of being present when Humanling awakens as this is her number one seizure time. So I thank Organic for being that person who is going to be there (and ha ha...hope I didn't just scare the heck out of her.....its a POSSIBILITY not a probability....maybe that will make it seem easier...). My other wonderful and close friend would have to fly in from CA if she is to attend. She is half of Scorpion Equinox with me. She has a wonderful and gorgeous pup who is definitely her "child". It's seeming almost impossible to make it out here with my niece, Hennessy (that's her dog's name) so we might have to do a possible Skype or cell phone presence during the wedding. The same may have to do for my older child, Miz Eye. She is in Arizona and more than likely isn't playing the Lotto fast and furious enough to land those plane tickets.
Back to the Humanling's diet....we are both gluten free and mainly dairy free. By 'mainly' I mean that we are able to have butter (and are encouraged to have lots of it) and we have also been told that people with sensitivities to dairy can indeed have heavy cream. That something about the heavy cream is not processed the same as milk foods. Or rather, isn't processed at all if you look at some of the labels. Or perhaps I was told that really it is what is in the heavy cream as opposed to not in the milks. Regardless, we are encouraged to have plenty of that as well. I must admit, since adding a lot more fats to Humanling's diet, I think - *think* she seems to be doing pretty well with it. However, eating out is another story. I make every single one of her meals. Eating out is a huge pain in the cheeks. She also cannot have corn or corn products, soy and soy products or anything with tomatoes. I really need to just open my own restaurant and call it "Humanling Can Have This".

When we were in NYC recently, we had a wonderful lunch at a macrobiotic restaurant. I love the places that will give you a Bean of the Day! This is a huge staple here in our house.
So the dilemma is sort of this - having everyone eat according to my daughter's needs. Is this fair? Can people enjoy one meal without meat or that it isn't standard fare? Do I expect everyone to understand or do I give in and pack her a peanut butter and jelly and hope for the best? I don't like that idea. My own opinion might be too opinionated and I don't want to offend anyone at all, including the lucky man who inherits all of this on July 24th. My own opinion is personally, can people just deal for one meal. We're paying for it anyway. If they are still hungry afterwards there are plenty of other places to go. It's NYC after all! Perhaps I can strike up a bargain that I will give up first dibs on anything else if I can just take the restaurant choice.On another note.....am I the only person to have a micro freak about people who handle cash, handling your food? With their bare hands? I ordered a croissant this morning (yes, I did say we are gluten free, yes I am a hypocrite but I'm a hypocrite away from Humanling's eyes at the moment!) I like to have a croissant here and there...they aren't my main staple and I don't even have them once a week but when I work from home I do like one here and there. So I went to my favorite place where they give good croissant and ordered one to go just toasted. I figured that I would put my own butter on at home since its organic. Then the girl at the register picked one up with her bare hands, cut it in half for me and toasted it herself. Thanks but no thanks. She's handling all kinds of money and its not like I'd go and tell her boss....he was standing right there. Yeah, I know its really not a big deal to most people. But for my money, I came home ripped it up for the squirrels and made something else to eat. What a bizarre situation for me to have to point it out so I just dealt. I hate that I'm not loud enough to speak out on that at the time and spent the money on it anyway when I'm trying to save money, nevermind throw it outside for the squirrels to nibble on.

So I have croissant on the craving mind now. I thought about hitting up a Dunkin Donuts down the road....I love the thought. And having a nice coffee with it. The reality is that yes, while DD employees grab your baked goods with a wax paper, its still probably chock full of GMOs, gluten and the coffee comes in a styrofoam cup. But a nice thought, nontheless. And one I will continue to think about for a few hours.

Regarding American Idol, I don't think it is cut and dry for Adam. I'd like Adam to win however, I never saw Kris as a contender. Have all the women given up on Adam because Kris is hetero? Kris is unavailable too as the married Idol boy. Yeah, Adam's a screamer but he is not forgettable. Kris is just as cute as my widdle kitty cat Princess only he sings in human. He's not bad to listen to at all, he can sing. But I think in this competition he is a good looking quiet guy who can sing as opposed to perform. And it is a contest. If he were just himself, such as a John Mayer, its a different story. Either way, I don't vote so can't wait to see who will be chosen for the crown and will be the leading member of the Brady Bunch tour they are doing this summer.

Gratitude

I'm cozy at my job at the moment just enjoying how wonderful it really is. We aren't hovered over, the coffee is free and we have email. (If I were working at a grocery store I definitely would not be writing this at the moment)!

The air smells wonderful. Humanling bounced out of bed this morning without prompting simply to get dressed and attempted to make her own breakfast. I was a tad helicopter though, trying to show her how exactly to slice the butter for her tapioca toast.

My drive in was filled with wonderful thoughts on the things I am learning about myself through small frustrations and even more, I thought about the wonderful person who has chosen to be with me. Humanling has no choice, wah ha ha ha!!!!!! But El has a choice. I hope the amazing things we see in each other can only explode into a higher consciousness that simply moves us up a rung as individuals and as a unit.

We also have a wonderful show today with Stacy from Safe Cosmetics.org. If you are interested in what is in your daily routine and what to look for in order to make informed choices and set a new bar for supply and demand in our products that will better our own health and that of our earth as a result, tune in today, May 13th at 5:30 EST. www.blogtalkradio.com/scorpion-equinox-

Have an awesome day!!

That Father Complex again

Happy Belated Mother's Day Mama's to anything - human, animal, ideas!

El, Humanling and I went to my mom's in the morning and brought Everything bagels & coffee. My dad called while we were there and I waved goodbye to my fiance since basically I need to take vacation days off work if I get on the phone with my dad. Our conversations are few and far between. I spoke to him for like 45 minutes. My dad sounds incredibly unhappy and I feel like he always has been but his desolation appears to become more obvious as he gets older. His wife is having a BBQ on July 25th - same day as the wedding. So I gently said well, can you miss the BBQ and that there will always be those types of gatherings but I'm only doing this this one time. It kind of put him in a hard situation since his wife has already been buying food - yes, for July 25th - and has people coming in from out of town, etc. Her birthday is July 26th. I believe she will be 50. So I see that it is a big deal and then I told him that I didn't want him to have to hear about it or have trouble at home so don't worry about it if he can't do it. He was trying to tell me that he needed to be at this BBQ so I finally just gave in and said that's fine. Although in my head of course I was thinking, no, its not really ok with me right now but I'll get used to it and I guess I really wanted him to step up to something and show me that maybe I might mean an effort of some sort for him. But I get his situation. Part of me thinks that he's just getting older and now his wife is probably stronger than him in many ways now since she is only 50 and he's 65 and he's just diverting to her. Then he said maybe he'll just get in his truck, run up his credit cards as much as he can and just keep driving and never come back. I wasn't really too sure about how to respond to that and fought off the urge to yell, "Look! A Monkey!" and throw the phone back at my mom.

So we left my mom's and I suppose my spirit was crushed for a while but I wanted to have a lovely day ....it just took awhile for me to get back into the swing of it. I'm very fortunate to have an understanding mate. But, my mom surprises me sometimes with some good ideas and so she had suggested earlier, why don't we change the date by one day. That would make it a Friday (and funny enough, the previous two weddings were on a Friday). She said that she wouldn't have to take the day off work and then I thought about it and thought hm, then Humanling would have an extra day to recoup before going to camp on Monday, maybe the park and the restaurant might not be as crowded as a Saturday. Just maybe the flow would be good. And what's weird is, the moon is in Virgo at that time...El, Humanling and I all have Virgo moons. Eek! A house full of Virgo moons!!! There will be a lot of Just In Case items under one roof!

So now I have emailed my dad's wife to let her know that I changed the date and even if she can't make it because she has to prepare for her BBQ the day after, I'd really like for him to come down with the rest of us for this. I noticed that he was present at her son's wedding just a couple of months ago and to get my George Carlinesque father into a tux is like shaving an armadillo but if it can be done, he looks Smooth. Unless he simply doesn't want to go, I'd like to see him there. If he doesn't go I'm going to have to do a bit of work in order to not be severely let down.

I noticed on Sunday while deciding to allow myself to feel the Weird and stew in a mope in El's arms, that my mind was reverting instinctively to where it has always gone with my father. Back to feeling let down and on guard (as opposed to En guard! with a fencing tool!). I suddenly felt crystal clear that I was catching my old pattern right in the act. My innate belief that men cannot be trusted to make me happy, that they will let me down and disappoint me and that I am not good enough to receive some effort on their behalf. I can't say that any of this is really true as far as my life has gone, but it was included when I was assembled. But my father and I still at this age have merely learned to accept how things are without making it work on a satisfying level for both of us. I feel he is defensive in many ways and gives up at the sight of a rain drop because he figures its not worth it. I feel that I have given past my comfort level here and there and have gotten knocked down for it and ridiculed in front of other family members. So I keep my distance and I am safe.

In contemplation at the park, while Humanling sailed high on a swing, and El had his arms around me, I realized that I really have these issues that stem from being ridiculed and let down by someone that I had always wanted the praise from. I also realized that I can't keep re-creating the scenes in the same way because El is nothing like that and if I were to write down everything I wanted in a person, he is it.

My dad is my dad though. I've learned so much from him being who he is and in inheriting some of his challenging qualities, have learned more about how to express them for the higher good.

And...he left me a message tonight. I believe he said the new wedding date works for him. This is beyond wonderful - and bizarre. As it may be hard to picture an apple bearing cactus with sprinkles showing up in the backyard, it is an odd thought to think of my dad being a dense mass of energy in NYC. It's like worlds colliding.

On another note - I made whipped cream tonight! The amazing simple tricks we can learn. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow in order to get the Humanling to eat the strawberries.

Playing Craps

So yeah that whole gotta eat better thing....I'll start later today. Or tomorrow. And put that on a loop. I've got to keep the end result in mind...a nice clean ultrasound with no evidence of said fibroid. The tech and I will be all "Say whaaa? There's nothing here!" I'll keep telling myself that as I PMS my way through my sensitivities, face flushing with the croissant I'm having for breakfast today. I couldn't be anymore beautiful unless I were part of a tribal nation where the warpaint is on for battle.

Humanling and I went to Borders and I was very good and didn't buy any junk to eat, mostly because she was sitting there and would call me out on it. I did get a coffee though, which had a shot of hazelnut in it. And by "shot" I mean most likely one fourth of it because it tasted severely off and did not satisfy the afternoon coffee craving. It's currently abandoned, in the cup holder in the car, waiting to be dumped out on the road (I'm parked on the road) so that someone's tire can track it down a few feet, Hazel style.

As I sat there with my coffee at Borders, I suddenly realized - Hey! What happened to the inspiration of the girl with the teapot the other day? She was nowhere in sight so instead I became comfortable with my skin having a revolt over more bad stuff.

Until I had a chance to shower, I felt like there was a dirty zoo all over me. Between yesterday and today its been nothing but cleaning piggie cages, litter boxes and the poor hermit crabs - they are done every so often - months and months go between. I finally gave them some nice purple sand today. They really perk up when the tank is done. We also gave both guinea's a bath in a used baby bathtub that we purchased today. One of them was so so about it and the other one caused a universal no no and pooped in the tub. Twice. The acoustics in the bathroom do not comfortably accompany a loud and long "Ewwwwwwwwww" by the duo of Humanling and I.

That's Azrael up there with Kyyo. Despite the ominous and maximum evil staredown in this photo, Az is really the best cat I've ever known. She hasn't promised not to eat my little boys but she doesn't mind posing with them.

El is taking the train in tonight so that we can celebrate Mama's Day tomorrow. Wow, this should be really nice. Last year after visiting me own mere, I was alone for the day with Humanling and we went to the park. It feels nice to do this with someone else now.

The weather is gorgeously gray and humid. I'm not huge on high humidity but my hair really soaks it in after a washing. I like this since usually it walks around pretending to be a starving mane, thin, limp and more straight. Straight outta the shower in this weather, its all precursor to Slash. Humanling's dad has the wavy hair too so I have to wonder when her hair is going to abandon the straight and narrow.

Time to enjoy hanging with the Ling. Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

The Nose's Best Friend

It's a gorgeous day to work from home. Actually, the only definition really of a not good day to work from home is if its zero degrees outside and the heater is busted. It's rainy here and I've got Regis & Kelly on.

One or more of the cats has completed an angry deposit into the litter box, most likely on purpose. Whenever it happens while I'm home I have no choice but to assume that the powerful death scent of the Killer Krap is meant to destroy everyone in the home.

Today is Regis's big day! Lil Kim getting booted off Dancing With the Stars meant Regis finally getting his glory moment of having her on the show to dance. And boy did she. If anything is going to give me inspiration for a little excercising before finding that exquisite dress that will turn me into a summer goddess for my wedding, it was her one minute stint. Regis finally got to dance with her as well. I don't think he could get any higher if the earth itself grew a fist and tossed him into the ionosphere.

I started this rainy morning by seeing Humanling off on the school bus and then walking, all makeupless and apparently having dropped any pride or ego in the hallway with my beautiful attire that can probably be found under keywords: crazy cat lady.

So after walking in the drizzle and taking a few sips off my hot coffee, ducking under weeping tree branches, heavy with saturated, wet flowers - all while protecting the coffee! - I knocked over the coffee nearly as soon as I sat down to work. I can't say that I'm thoroughly impressed with myself on that one. Especially since Humanling dumped over her chocolate almond milk/heavy cream drink this morning and I gave her a small helping of Grrrrr over it. So I say to the Universe - What?! Am I not allowed to miff on a spill? If I do, then my coffee cup goes side heavy and instantly gives my rug a that everlasting coffee scent?

Warning, my vegetarianism is tapping me on the shoulder for its turn here at the board. I'm hearing about this cow that escaped from a slaughterhouse in Queens yesterday. Apparently they have named it and are finding a home for it. I have heard it termed "Molly earned her freedom" by busting out. Why is that? It's sad that a cow has to be born already 'owned' and would have to do something as unlikely as busting out of a dank slaughterhouse in order for people to suddenly think it's a cute and honorable animal when moments before, if Molly had gotten hung and slit, no one would care. I get the mentality but its undeniably hypocritical. Just saying.

As far as my own personal health journey right now, well ok, so I've been way off the mark this week especially. Sugar is one ring horned devil that I really need to burn at the stake. I'd love to not hate on people who CRAVE fruit and say that oh, they don't really like cake or cookies. Whatever. Let me see the back of your pantry.

I am trying to drink more tea instead of coffee. Ok, not really trying but I did today. And ok it was because my carpet slurped it up.

In doing the laundry today, I pulled the clothes out when they were done and realized that the jacket that had gotten bird ass bombed was in there. I had to throw them all back in for one more wash. I'm sorry people but these weren't ordinary birds. This bird was a Moss Avenue bird. I grew up in that area. It's pretty slummy. Who knows where those birds have been.

As far as American Idol goes last night, I've never seen a female leave more gracefully and with power than Allison. Maybe that can be disagreed with but I think for her age and experience, she was pretty durn amazing. I don't recall it ever being down to three guys though. Perhaps they'll form a Barbershop Trio and call it a draw.

I am looking foward to the weekend, time with my little Humanling and then time with El. Something about it feels relaxing. We may not ever be sitting with all the chores and cooking but we're doing it together. I can cook all day if we're standing there together. If we were a 1600s couple we'd starve to death eventually because he wouldn't be able to hunt since I wouldn't feel like making anything unless he was standing there with me.

Time to enjoy being home and enjoy the smell and sound of the rain.

Scorpion Equinox Guest Information

Tonight's guest on Scorpion Equinox was Azim Khamisa. Whew. If you need an inspiration revival, look no further. Check out Azim's interview on the Blogtalk button in the right side of the column and see his website at http://www.azimkhamisa.com/. Azim also has co-authored a new book out called "The Secrets of the Bulletproof Spirit: How to Bounce Back from Life’s Hardest Hits".



In other Scorpion Equinox related news, we were honored also to have Dawson Church on our show in February with Nick Ortner regarding EFT. Besides Dawson's hearty laugh and fabulous accent, he also has a book out called "Genie in Your Genes." If you enjoy epigentics or mind and body information, you really have to check him out. See http://www.geniebestseller.com/. For a very limited time, you can also win an e-book Kindle by ordering "Genie in Your Genes".

I love this gig.

And it starts....

I am so glad that I'm getting married this summer. Looks like I will need El to get ready to flex his Extra Dad muscles soon enough. Cavey can flex dad muscles but it's like that tree in a forest contemplation....would we know if we never see him?

Humanling is starting the pre pre pre serious crush. The kind where I've heard the boy's name every day for a few days. The kind where everytime she mentions him he is "funny" or "kind" to her. AND THE KIND WHERE THEY LOST RECESS TOGETHER! Apparently he high fived her and they both had recess revoked.

Well today, Troy and Gabriella apparently sat in an auditorium together watching the grade five band and held hands. I tried to ask everything the "right" (read: non abrasive) way so that I can continue to stay in the loop.

Humanling started the hand cuddle. And Little Boy did not let go. Unless he was afraid she'd hit him.

And so since my hair is free of gray, apparently there has been a summoning.

On another note, I have American Idol on and do I need to even express the Wow that goes with show opener, Adam Lambert?

Although the judges seemed sort of lukewarm on the duet between Kris and Danny, I thought it was pretty good. And this is why I will not see my invitation in the mail anytime soon to come warm the seat next to Simon.

On to feed the boys now. I'm hearing a distinct Wheeting in the air going on in the other room. I'm sure they are ready for their bedtime meal.

Ditch Day

I love ditching. At my place of employement, we are extremely lucky to give a heads up that we want a day off without having to explain ourselves. We're given a ration of days to use for the whole year to cover the gamut of reasons.

I took today off because I received one of those disgusting grid-like listings in the mail that tells me I need to show up for court. Old life and good intentions vs The Bank for a foreclosure-like episode. I currently live in an apartment that I love. When I was married to Number Two, he couldn't stand how small my former apartment was and we needed room for all his music equipment so that we could try to make him happy. Wah. It took six months to buy this particular home, and when we did, he walked out of it 2 months after the first mortgage payment was made. How fast can you spell F**cked?

The divorce itself has been over since last September but his lawyer said that in the divorce language I needed to agree to go bankrupt if the house foreclosed. A rock and a hard place. Both embroidered with broken glass and barbed wire fences.

As of last Friday I was told to go this morning to court to let "them" know that there is a short sale that is pending. As far as I know, Number Two gets information and tells me nothing. I find out something small and then have to make a string of phone calls. But anyhoo, enough about him, this blog is not a forum to add his energy to.

So after wanting to blow the whole thing off and not show, I decided I should definitely go. I dressed Court Like (my Jester hat was a silly/sultry hybrid). The parking was all filled up and I had to park 2 streets away and walk. This is where my books come in handy. Since I can read and walk at the same time, I did. Something told me that I wanted to walk on the other side of the street, where I lived as a child and see what the neighborhood felt like but I didn't. The rational side took over and assessed all nerd-like that the courthouse would be easier to cross over to if I stayed on the current side.

As I was reading, it was like a be-be hit my lapel and bounced off, smacking the page of the book that I was on. It took my mind to register....did someone throw something at me? Did dirt somehow get splashed on me? What the hell.....? My worst fear....seriously - bird crap. AHHHH! I stopped in my tracks because when it comes to bird crap, I'm not versed in it. My mind had to compute what this meant. I started to walk back to my car when I realized that I had napkins in my purse. So I cleaned off the lapel as best as I could and looking at the book page, wasn't sure what to do. So I dragged it across the wet grass. The page is stained and was now sopping wet. I turned around and walked back toward the court house. Cleared security and went straight to the bathroom to scrub. I found out that I was also in the wrong court room (the paper was wrong - I didn't dyslex over the droppings) and found that and settled in. Until a guy asked me what my case was, and then proceeded to tell me that it was not going forward. Gah! Would it kill someone to contact me with this? So I am glad that I'm not sitting in a court room all day and have some free time.

I went to Borders for a bit to read my own books and get questions ready for this week's guest. I saw a beautiful girl there with a glass pot of brewed tea and a steaming cup beside her as she worked. Her skin was flawless. Or compared to mine it was. I have all this uneven tone and just by eating I can turn even better colors. Caffeine, gluten, dairy.....all bring my face to a nice funky pinkish/red on my cheeks. Beauty sells I tell you. When I left there I found myself in the mood for a nice cup of tea that wasn't caffeinated. So I stopped into the local healthfood store and found orange tea. It looks and sounds a lot more exotic than that but I've simplified it a bit here.

I just saw an email from my library telling me that the crapped on book is due. I'll be more than happy to bring it back after it dries.

I had a fabulous weekend with El...we celebrated the 13th anniversary of our first date. We went out all dately dressed for falafel & hummus. Then we trekked over to an outdoor seating arrangement where we could take in the night time and a martini. From there we drove to a park but my first selection was so advanced dark that I was too spooked. My second choice was a good one and I laid down a cloth for us to sit, lit a candle and pulled out a radio with a pre-made CD of songs to slow dance to. Not stupid songs. Not even modern songs actually....most of them were all old jazz standards. I handed him red & white ribbon to tie as high as he could to the tree and we turned it into a Maypole. Then we sat down for these awesome gluten free cupcakes from Babycakes in NYC. A very nice night indeed.

The frog you see up there comes from this story. At the party store where I picked up the ribbon, I saw this tiny little frog toy. I pulled it out when El, Humanling and I went hiking on Sunday. I busied him with a camera and then quickly put the frog on the ground and then exclaimed quietly for him to look at my find. This photo is the one he took of the frog that he thought existed. I warned him to be shhhhhh and don't scare it. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Poor El. Then I smacked my hand down on it forcefully and told him it was a fake. I now need an angel over my shoulder....he's got a lifetime to get me back. Who knows when....or where!!!

Happy Belated Beltane!

Hello everyone - everytime I'm away from the Bloggersphere I miss you guys terribly. And yet at night, I've mostly been able to get away from the computer by 9:30-10pm. I try to minimize exposure since I work on one all day long. That and sometimes I just feel dull AND scattered. So that's no fun for anyone around me - scattering dullness hither and thither!

I am pre-caffeine at the moment but am ok with that. There is Irish jig music playing in the kitchen to keep the running dishwasher and boiling eggs company. The Electric Company show is playing in here. I'm too lazy to shut one of them off. Or maybe I'd rather write while the moment is lending itself in this way.

The radio show is going wonderfully for us and it does take extra time to work on - probably another reason (ha ha...a BIG reason) why I haven't blogged in so long! Upcoming on our show is a man who's son was murdered in an act of gang violence (his son was not in a gang, he was a pizza delivery boy). Azim Khamisa reached out to his son's 14 year old killer and realized there were victims on both sides of the gun. This man is amazing. He has built a foundation in his son's honor and did what many people think they cannot do. He took his son's death and turned it around to an act of forgiveness so huge - many of us probably have no idea what that feels like. Anyway, if you're interested, he will be on with us this week.

We are excited, it seems we have Martha Stewart's holistic vet, Dr. Shawn coming onto our show (Alan hurry and get a cat!), along with Sherrie Brooks Vinton who wrote Real Food Revival. We'll be having a show on apartment gardening and have tentatively scheduled someone on to discuss the disappearance of the bees. We're not totally sure if she can make it yet as the time difference is huge (she is in England). And of course, I have to mention again, I love Bruce Lipton, he will be on in October.

At the start of this post, the Humanling walked over to me and mentioned that she found a new loose tooth. Before I got to the last paragraph, I was poked on the shoulder so that I could see the bloody tooth, now in her hand. She's so funny. Just couldn't leave it in there. Well I guess this shows me a spot of her determination. And I can be rest assured that her fingers will not be in her mouth out in public, wriggling germs all over it.

Kyyo and Yuki have their two different cages and are beautiful little boys. Very different personalities as Yuki is rambunctious and fearless (except when Kyyo is put with him).

Azrael and Princess are chasing each other through the house from time to time now and I do catch them sleeping on my bed close to each other but not cuddling. Azrael had a pissfest last week when Humanling took out the bubbles and started blowing them. Princess just looked so absolutely adorable swatting them with her little Persian paw. We never see this side of her. Azrael eventually had it up to *here* with the cuteness and pounced on her.

Humanling's dad is in a spot of trouble for sure. He has been charged with assault in the first degree. He gave me the story and it sounds as though it was self-defense for a friend but I am told by someone else that he has very little chance of getting out of this. Apparently, outside of a bar some Iraq vets and Cavey's friend (we'll call him Scott Fargus), Scott were in an ugly verbiage. Cavey basically said to Scott, Come on, let's just go home. But then the Vets called them "old" and really, Scott can't back down ever. Never does. Problems ensued, Scott was held down and repeatedly tasered in the Hoo Hahs and Cavey had no choice but to do whatever it was that he had to in order to stop it. The next step was advanced violence on Cavey's part to get the guys off Scott and apparently Cavey is the only one who was arrested. He came to my house, drink in hand. When I say drink. I mean like an open glass that you would walk around your house with or what your friend's mom gave you when you visited. A drinking glass. It had an orange soda and alcohol in it. I don't know who drove him or allowed it in the car, but he got here and sobbed when he got to the part of what he had done. It's possible that he will be gone for quite some time but we'll have to see because somehow that guy is greased and slips out of many things.

And now, for a nice bit of happening. Today is May 2nd, that day 13 years ago that I fell completely for a guy and we'd never been able to fully make it work, no matter how good it felt. Much of it I believe is my own issue but at the same time, I don't believe where we are now is possible without any of it. But with time and determination and genuine feelings, we've decided its time to make it all worthwhile. I'm a-changing his name on here too. It used to be :doot: but now it's gonna be El. El as in L as in Lobster. We're getting married this summer in NYC! We're looking at July 25th right now as the date. His mom will be here from Brazil and I think she's never been here before. He also hasn't seen his family in over a decade so we coincided the wedding with the visit.

So now we are getting things together for this July and it isn't a whole lot of time, but its time enough. A good Virgo & Scorpio team we are and this is our first working project!

My mom would love us to do it in CT but she just is paranoid of getting lost in Manhattan. The woman grew up in Brooklyn. But I can understand her fear. We're pretty sure everyone will get there juuuuust fine.

So Alan, I might be in the neighborhood more than I was. We were down there, Humanling and I a couple of weeks ago. Humanling had a seizure though (probably out of too much sun exposure and excitement and lack of sleep) the morning of going down (but she is fine when its over and her day is to continue as usual unless she's really tired) and then on the train ride back when I went to wake her to get off the train. Humanling's seizures are always upon waking when they occur. I've been lucky to be a part of some good yahoo groups and am learning from another person or two's experience. For this train trip I had some very very nice young guys carry Humanling off during the tail end of the seizure because that was our stop and I had our bags too.

Epilepsy is a tricky thing. Very delicate to handle sometimes. And when things are going well for months with no seizures, I slip into a comfort zone and that's when it will happen again. She always needs enough sleep, not too much sun or excitement and high protein/fat, lower carbs it seems. It's all trial and error. But I'm grateful that it is what it is. I've heard horror stories from other parents and I will take our hand, thank you.

It does indeed feel like coffee time now. I must get the homestead cleaned up for the date with my Virgoian fiance later to celebrate a whole new world that opened up 13 years ago.

A big hug for everyone and I hope you all have a beautiful and inspiring weekend!

x0x0

Ramble On 2009

It is a gorgeous windy and sunny day here where I am. We've done our visiting for the day and are free to walk, play or well....ok, clean, as I am finding that's what I'm making time for.

We had a fabulous show with Jeff Bell last Thursday regarding my favorite pastime, OCD. And to me, it always helps to hear that I am not alone, although our individual battles each and every time can make us feel that way.

This week on Scorpion Equinox, we're going to have The Green RN, Lesly Federici. Awesome stuff for anyone who has more interest in going green or knowing what is lurking in your personal and house cleaning products, food, etc.

Today is the first day since Lent began that I could delve back into any sort of salty chip type food - doritos, fritos, potato chips and also baked goods - cookies, cake, pastries, etc. I was terrific during Lent and didn't partake. This was sooo healthy for me and although most of the time it was easy, it would be late at night when I was starving and just wanted a 'bite' of 'something' that I would think about it.

My mom of course had three different bags of chips at her house today and my appetite chirped up that yes, it's time to have the chips! It's true people. You can't eat just one.

We didn't happen to have any ready made food on hand upon getting home so besides coffee and potato chips, I've had a couple of chocolates and popcorn. I am suddenly finding myself in a foul mood and confused as to why my dip in bubbly energy has gunned the gas. I'm guessing lack of healthy food and I should know myself better. I have done the coffee then 2 bite sized chocolates before and it always results in This Mood. But that's what addicts do - they think it will be different somehow or will get away with it This Time.

Humanling is so bored that she is currently watching college women's bowling. I didn't know it existed. I wouldn't have denied its presence, but I wouldn't have thought they televised it on one of our mere 100 channels.

The poofy white soul that we recently acquired, known in her previous home as "Princess" and known here as "Princess" (I really thought about calling her Saphara, and at times do, or "Animal" as I call Azrael at times) seems to be doing well. Besides the fact that I didn't realize the bed decorations could purr or yawn. She loves being on the bed. If I could just set her up with a litterbox on the bed, along with her food, she'd never get down.

She and Az are not longtime buddies still, but they will tolerate each other's energy as they both find a spot on top of my 5 foot long body to lay on. Azrael will be the one who tries to inch her way up to my face. Maybe to smother me for bringing another animal home. Or maybe Iraq isn't the only culture that considers the foot to be the lowest form of dignity.

In the wake of our other little boy passing recently, we took in two guinea pigs from a rescue situation. Two baby males, Yuki and Kyyo. They also hate each other. Instead of buying a hot dress this week, I've purchased another cage so that Yuki can stop pretending he's a bird on a ledge, avoiding being on the ground where Kyyo will give him another beating. Alpha's everywhere! Yuki's cage should be here tomorrow. Petdiscounters.com is the fastest shipping place I've ever used. They are in NY state so I have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as I order something some guy from the warehouse loads up his car, grabs a coffee and heads on over. I've never actually seen a package dropped off.

The love life has revived and is where it should be. That'll be a tale for a nice rainy day kids.

Ah, and now the power of OCD and the need to get in the know so that the OCD can shut itself in the dryer for a few cycles and shrink itself a bit. I have had for years a fibroid that is a nice size. I'm a tiny girl so these things can really pronounce themselves well on a small frame. You wouldn't really know unless I was nekked but I know its there. I also know it is there because of a number of variables in my past. Some of them being emotional, much of it being stress from bad relationships that I should have walked out of, some of it being from food sensitivities and the stress on my liver to detox a cumulative effect to filter out the excess estrogen. I have not been diligent enough in detoxing...i.e. drinking enough water, excercising in order to sweat and pass the toxins through easier, relaxing more, doing more yoga - or any yoga lately for that matter and staying away from sugar, caffeine or alcohol. Alcohol is the least of my worries. I might drink twice a month - if that. Many times I go for months without a drop. I only drink when there is company. Does Humanling count as 'company'? (Kidding).

Caffeine is a mountain. I heart coffee like I heart anything else effective for living. It's not merely a drink, its an atmosphere. It's a house full of paintings, a library full of knowledge, the path full of possibilities. I'm not addicted.

Sugar - well, I try. Sugar goes in the coffee. I've tried agave but have for whatever bizarre reason it gives me a sore throat. I probably eat chocolate every day.

Now I've seen my gyn lately and it seems that I will go for an ultrasound in 6 months to see what's all going on in there. I'm determined to get into fully balanced health and not have to do anything further regarding this. She wasn't worried about anything for the time being.

However, some days I am optimisitic. Other days I am convinced that something way wrong is going on and that really makes my mood slink into a realm that doesn't make me feel like myself.

So I figured going public would force me into really doing something about it. I need to be healthy (and for the most part think I am) for myself and mainly for the Humanling.

I have read that tea helps prevent certain gyn issues so I am putting black tea into the diet and hoping it will help. I'll be off making some soon, but know that I really need to get out of this mood or else the tea will make it much worse.

So now, it is time to finish my veggies and then move on to planting some herbs with the child.

I wish everyone a beautiful day!