When Life Hands You Lemons....don't make Cake!

A month ago I found out something interesting about myself. I found out that I was in a sort of reckless denial. I subscribe to whole foods on a daily basis. I carry a folded soapbox in my back pocket for any occasion in which I can whip it out in one smooth swoop and be on top of it, pointing down at those partially hydrogenated, pre-packaged food zombies, at any time.

It was with great glee that I had my recent blood test done – cholesterol, B’s, D’s and the like. I’d gone to the doctor complaining of coldness in my limbs and a tremor feeling that no one could see, but that I could feel. I’ll admit that I hoped it was simply that I had super sensitive sensors and could feel energy vibes off people, animals, lemon cake. Like a superpower! Denial gone viral!

Since we have chickens in the backyard who are quite generous with their eggs, and I happen to work in a very Cake Friendly office, I am asked frequently where my worry is of the effects of such eating. One hundred pound Naysayer that I am, I laugh - HA!!!! - with glee. I do not worry, I eat a whole foods diet. Ok and lemon cake about three times a week. A piece that is, not the whole cake. I eat cheese daily - at least twice a day. And eggs! I could go on about how much I love eggs - hard boiled with grapeseed oil mixed in or mayo! Ah, mayo - my childhood sweetheart! The dressing that would kick all other sandwich stuffers out of bed - I'd eat it layered thick on white bread. As an adult, I tried to convincingly frown upon such unsupervised tactics but still remember it being right up there with PB & J. I am also a vegetarian....so in my mind, I have equivocated my body with that of a general scale. I don't eat meat, therefore I am eating eggs. That is my meat. This piece of cake is my sirloin, Sir. Hey! I'll stab your hand with this fork, so help me, do NOT touch my cake!

Then came the phone call. I was working from home, about 10 days after my blood work. (Incidentally, most of us know but in case you don't, fasting is required for a cholesterol test. Right after mine I did not pass Go, but went directly to Burger King and got 'breakfast'). The nurse let me know that my B12 and D vitamins were barely on the radar (as I'd suspected with the B but not with the D). Then she hit the 'more serious' button on her vocal control panel and let me know that my cholesterol was 241. And that it was very high. Ouch. The next question to come since the last time I had my reading, it was described without a number, but a phrase - "Ridiculously good", was What Am I Doing Differently?

Well. That's easy. Sort of. I used to live as a single mom. I ate fairly well. I stayed away from cheese and while I enjoyed chocolate, I didn't eat cakes much. A year ago I fell massively in love. From what I can tell by stories, it's like the burning transformation from human to vampire. Intense, painful, obsessive, necessary, I'd have to come to work and simply sign off on my tiredness/dazed look/distractedness/goofy nonsensical whims with a verbal rubber stamp that stated "Falling in love is so haaaaaaaaaard!" as I'd crumple down to my desk, arms around my head. Oh it's worth it alright. I can focus a teensy bit better now, but am still crazy about my beloved. He is still never very far from my mind. And it's a good thing my mind is not broadcasted on the IMAX. It's not a family show. Creates one, maybe, but definitely not FOR one.

Ahem. Must step away from thoughts of the man that I adore for now.

The cholesterol reading was a bit of a blow to me. After all, I can almost name the dirty top 10 of pesticide laden fruits and veggies! I knew why (before we were blessed with our backyard chickens) we bought organic, cage free eggs. I knew why Red Dye #whatever shouldn't be in our food and to make a face of disgust when locating it on a label and then dutifully put the item back on the shelf while "tsk tsking" my youngin for the request. I haven't eaten one animal since 1992. Although I did own a foam finger with "We're #1" on it that represented cheese in all it's glorious palatable goodness.

I fell in love, got comfortable (still stayed 100 lbs on the outside but there is a vending machine mentality apparently going on inside!) and ate 'whole foods'. All the fat in everything. I scoffed at low, reduced or no fat. I even put heavy cream in my coffee - twice a day. This phone call ended all that in a moment. I love my kids. Love my mate. Love books. In fact, I'm not sure that's even in the right order.....I have been petitioning the universe to become a vampire simply because there are way too many books to read. Either way, this high cholesterol crap has got to go. The doctor put me on a STRICT LOW FAT diet. For anyone to look at me, this is laughable. An oxymoron almost. True story though. My love affair with lemon cake ended without even a head tilt backwards. Especially when I'd look at my bookshelf. I MEAN....young daughter. It's unfair enough that her father is what he is and is hands off (except to once in a while use the hands to dial her back after she's called him) in her upbringing and will probably only serve to teach her later on where the happy hours are. I can control to a degree what's up with me and as it stands now, still haven't figured out if I want to be buried or burned whilst waiting for Edward Cullen to change me. Nor do I want my child to be transported to a world of downfall without a fight by being handed over to the other side of the family when I have my own ideas about the You've Inherited a Humanling heirarchy in the untimely event of. Which hopefully ain't gonna happen anytime soon. Therefore, f**k off, Lemon Cake and on weekdays, cheese and eggs.

Travelling through the grocery store, my supportive and caring spouse, started to read the labels for me. I'd always looked at labels...but at ingredients. Never at fat and cholesterol measurements. He showed me what to look for. He is careful to balance dinner out so that I am taken care of (and he's a fabulous cook so I ain't mad!). We did learn that my devilish crush - lemon cake - has 75 mg of cholesterol in one serving. And I was eating that about three times a week.

It's been nearly a month since I gave up sugar (except in my coffee - and then it's usually local honey instead), all cookies and desserts, and my precious cheese & eggs. I will on the weekends have eggs once, maybe both days. Maybe one of those days I will grate parmesean into them. I did enjoy a croissant this weekend with my eggs. 40 mg of cholesterol. It is a lot. But it is no longer routine outside of my dreams.

What I have noticed in my month of constant excercise and dietary change:
PMS is a different entity than it was. (men: it isn't really that graphic - you can skip this paragraph if you still can't grasp the whole Aunt Flo thing ). I used to have sore boobs mid cycle that would ride all the way to the end. I had one nasty headache a month - right beforehand. And my face would proudly display one grand flare up - usually on my chin. This month - none of that. We'll see if it is due to the change. But so far, that's already quite a change.
My facial skin, stubborn Irish derma that flushes if I laugh, go outside in the sun, get hot, eat something hot, eat something acidic, or simply mind my own business and exist at times, has a tone that looks more even now. It will still throw me under the Flush Bus at times but not as badly as it was.

My body is processing food much better than it was. It was more clogged without these changes. I must mention that I've also upped my water intake. All good things. Simple things. Things that make sense. But I grew up in 1970s America. You ate twinkies and Tab soda. Crunchy cheese doodles and Orange Crush. Mr. Kool Aid burst through your parents living room panelling while the whole entire neighborhood gaggle of kids were sitting there, dying of thirst, in need of something chug-worthy that had Red Dye #Whatever in it.

So while initially I felt insulted by myself and my own choices - in food, in excercise regime, in knowledge and self love, I knew it could only be one of those wonderful catalysts that can serve in a huge positive lesson. And life change.

And while I rarely miss the sugar, my hand is up to my ear right now - thumb and first finger out, middle and ring tucked in, pinky out - whispering to Cheese - "Call me!"

Food Matters by Mark Bittman

I could swear that I wrote this book. But due to the fact that meat is optional, I realize that my name is not Mark Bittman.

Mark champions some very common sense and real ideas. Basically, this would be very similar to how Humanling and I are already eating. There is moderation, there is anything you want, however, most of the day's calories should be whole foods - veggies, fruit, beans, as well as meat and fish, although not in huge quantities.

Mark also maintains a lesser of the evils stance with the environment - local food vs organic food that has been shipped a thousand miles and the effect of eating meat multiple times a day as far as raising livestock goes

The main idea here is to eat as many vegetables in a day that you can. The author does not subscribe to the adage of eating like a pauper at night - at least not for himself. He consumes his largest meals at night and enjoys wine with dinner.

Not only does he remind us of the obvious (which in my opinion is good because if people didn't need a reminder we wouldn't have so much obesity, cancer and heart disease) but he walks his talk in the second half of the book with some really decent recipes. Easy recipes and with variations! He is very much about individuality.

It's an easy read with an important factor - how to eat for life. You'll definitely think about your next choice.

Speaking of lifelong dietary changes, tomorrow on Scorpion Equinox, we will be speaking with guest, Christopher Gautrau. Chris, an active 30 something, is a listener of our show who was inspired after hearing our show with Tina Volpe, to try going vegetarian. He broke up with meat over 2 months ago and we are so curious to hear how he is doing, what he misses and how he decided not to look back. Chris also has a wife and two kids and frequently updates his Facebook status with the play by play of what type of excercise he is about to do or has just finished doing!