That Father Complex again

Happy Belated Mother's Day Mama's to anything - human, animal, ideas!

El, Humanling and I went to my mom's in the morning and brought Everything bagels & coffee. My dad called while we were there and I waved goodbye to my fiance since basically I need to take vacation days off work if I get on the phone with my dad. Our conversations are few and far between. I spoke to him for like 45 minutes. My dad sounds incredibly unhappy and I feel like he always has been but his desolation appears to become more obvious as he gets older. His wife is having a BBQ on July 25th - same day as the wedding. So I gently said well, can you miss the BBQ and that there will always be those types of gatherings but I'm only doing this this one time. It kind of put him in a hard situation since his wife has already been buying food - yes, for July 25th - and has people coming in from out of town, etc. Her birthday is July 26th. I believe she will be 50. So I see that it is a big deal and then I told him that I didn't want him to have to hear about it or have trouble at home so don't worry about it if he can't do it. He was trying to tell me that he needed to be at this BBQ so I finally just gave in and said that's fine. Although in my head of course I was thinking, no, its not really ok with me right now but I'll get used to it and I guess I really wanted him to step up to something and show me that maybe I might mean an effort of some sort for him. But I get his situation. Part of me thinks that he's just getting older and now his wife is probably stronger than him in many ways now since she is only 50 and he's 65 and he's just diverting to her. Then he said maybe he'll just get in his truck, run up his credit cards as much as he can and just keep driving and never come back. I wasn't really too sure about how to respond to that and fought off the urge to yell, "Look! A Monkey!" and throw the phone back at my mom.

So we left my mom's and I suppose my spirit was crushed for a while but I wanted to have a lovely day ....it just took awhile for me to get back into the swing of it. I'm very fortunate to have an understanding mate. But, my mom surprises me sometimes with some good ideas and so she had suggested earlier, why don't we change the date by one day. That would make it a Friday (and funny enough, the previous two weddings were on a Friday). She said that she wouldn't have to take the day off work and then I thought about it and thought hm, then Humanling would have an extra day to recoup before going to camp on Monday, maybe the park and the restaurant might not be as crowded as a Saturday. Just maybe the flow would be good. And what's weird is, the moon is in Virgo at that time...El, Humanling and I all have Virgo moons. Eek! A house full of Virgo moons!!! There will be a lot of Just In Case items under one roof!

So now I have emailed my dad's wife to let her know that I changed the date and even if she can't make it because she has to prepare for her BBQ the day after, I'd really like for him to come down with the rest of us for this. I noticed that he was present at her son's wedding just a couple of months ago and to get my George Carlinesque father into a tux is like shaving an armadillo but if it can be done, he looks Smooth. Unless he simply doesn't want to go, I'd like to see him there. If he doesn't go I'm going to have to do a bit of work in order to not be severely let down.

I noticed on Sunday while deciding to allow myself to feel the Weird and stew in a mope in El's arms, that my mind was reverting instinctively to where it has always gone with my father. Back to feeling let down and on guard (as opposed to En guard! with a fencing tool!). I suddenly felt crystal clear that I was catching my old pattern right in the act. My innate belief that men cannot be trusted to make me happy, that they will let me down and disappoint me and that I am not good enough to receive some effort on their behalf. I can't say that any of this is really true as far as my life has gone, but it was included when I was assembled. But my father and I still at this age have merely learned to accept how things are without making it work on a satisfying level for both of us. I feel he is defensive in many ways and gives up at the sight of a rain drop because he figures its not worth it. I feel that I have given past my comfort level here and there and have gotten knocked down for it and ridiculed in front of other family members. So I keep my distance and I am safe.

In contemplation at the park, while Humanling sailed high on a swing, and El had his arms around me, I realized that I really have these issues that stem from being ridiculed and let down by someone that I had always wanted the praise from. I also realized that I can't keep re-creating the scenes in the same way because El is nothing like that and if I were to write down everything I wanted in a person, he is it.

My dad is my dad though. I've learned so much from him being who he is and in inheriting some of his challenging qualities, have learned more about how to express them for the higher good.

And...he left me a message tonight. I believe he said the new wedding date works for him. This is beyond wonderful - and bizarre. As it may be hard to picture an apple bearing cactus with sprinkles showing up in the backyard, it is an odd thought to think of my dad being a dense mass of energy in NYC. It's like worlds colliding.

On another note - I made whipped cream tonight! The amazing simple tricks we can learn. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow in order to get the Humanling to eat the strawberries.

A day Late and a Dollar Short on the Holiday Timing but...

I may have been just a tad busy in the last week handling a mutual crashing back into love. So particular post is something that I wrote last October. So in honor of those Hallmark cards that don't exist for this occasion....

Feelin' bizarre....full moon, , hired lawyer today and crapped out $3500 in the form of my credit card for a deposit on her. If she doesn't work can I return her and get my deposit back?
I did go to bed earlier, woke up and needed to get out of bed, so back down here. Went to sleep wondering about the vacations that my ex and I took....who was he? Who was I? Will I ever want to spend time with a guy again in that way? Right now I can't even deal with my ex from a few years ago - he's sooo nice and well meaning, but (the B.... word to the nth power) he is an EX for many reasons. Reasons that simmer to the surface during small interactions. He is well meaning, and a bit of a practical tart. If I wanted to ruffle his feathers I would tell him something along the lines of the fact that I withdrew $10 from an ATM that wasn't my bank and incurred a $1.75 fee.
He has been there for me for the past month and a half to "help" me. He's doing my lawn while the house is on the market, offers to camp out on my couch so that I'm in no danger of the 21 year old Carpet man coming back to consider me a much older conquest. Its bad when I go to check my arse in the mirror and see his head poking out of it - that's how far up it he's been. Then he gets offended when I don't want to spend any time together. I just don't. A man up and leaving you will sometimes result in that whole Wish I Liked Men named Ashley or Mariah thing. Presently, I've no room or energy to be spending time on a guy when I have my eight year old.
And why is it that men get amped to date you and spend time with you but in their mind have warped you into their universe where you either seem to have no children or a 24/7 nanny so that you can be inserted into their plans on a constant basis? then say "you're no fun". The quickest way to turn Me to Mean in 2 seconds is to chid me on my lack of impulsive sexual prowess when I've got homework, dinner and cat water bowl to tend to.
I used to have the next guy all cued up and ready to play when the first record was over. Now I guess I'll kick back and wait for the grey hairs to start because I am SO not interested in exerting my time anymore on anyone but myself, my family and those dreams that have been put on the backburner of a non working stove underwater.
This brings to mind the camping trip that I took with my family this past weekend. My father is 64, the only man on the planet that I know that can cause bladder leakage with one warning look. And I don't mean to me, I mean to any breathing, heart beating human. I was the kind of scared of him that caused compensations and defense mechanisms to develop to occur very young. He was a violent man, an alchoholic (aren't they all?). One of those relationships where growing up, I was a momma's girl and wondered what that was like when girls wanted to be around their dad's because I wasn't one of them. So when I was nine, the family was done the final favor and my parents split up. Over the years, the relationship with him has been effort after effort in vain....the kind where you know if one of us died, the other one would know for sure that we'd f**ked up and should have done the kiss and make up thing a long time ago. And maybe we would have if we knew what we were apologizing for. We are who we are. And I know that my dad is sick...he's had Hep C for many years....the strong, partying, terrifying figure who lifts weights and revers nature was turned down, after giving gallons of blood, about 10 years ago when his blood was screened. He most likely got it from needle sharing. Dare this man to do anything and he'll cut his nose off to spite his face, just so you can hear him echoing in the distance...."I did it though, didn't I?"
So when his birthday was coming, his wife emailed me to say we'd all be going camping, I knew I wouldn't turn this down. We have a hard time being around each other...inevitably I usually walk away hurt by something he says or does(and I've been accused of having an ice sculpture for a heart in the past!) In recent months, my own mother has passed information down to me that she hears my father might not be doing as well, but of course he would never verify that....my father's liver could be cutting an escape hatch right in front of your face and he would merely say that he doesn't know what you're referring to. He does not talk sickness.
We went and it turned out to be something that I am glad I didn't refuse. We are like two strangers of the same animal, checking each other out from the distance, watching, observing, interested, but not getting too close much of the time. I'd watch him cutting wood for the fire, thinking how Not Sick he looks. I noticed in turn that he would stand up in the woods staring down at his brood - me, my brother, the grandkids, going about chasing around the youngest, walking rocks with the older ones.
When the kids went to bed and we finally had a very short time alone, me, my dad and his wife sat around ingesting much of the campfire smoke due to an instigating wind. My father tried his best, beer in hand, to reach out to me. He sat next to me and explained that he was going to have a simple party at his home for his birthday this year. However, with the circumstances of my life and husband walking out and leaving me with much of the burden of selling our home and tipping my life into an angle that I never thought I'd have to view from, my father said that he wanted this trip to happen for me. He got us all together and had us do an autumnal equinox camping trip because he thought I needed it - to get away and be with family and not worry about things for a couple of days. He doesn't say much most of the time. It's always just beneath the surface. You sense it's there and both of you wait for the other person to make the first move, but usually no one does. And the moment goes away. Then you wonder if you'll ever have the chance again before its too late. A eulogy is the wrong vehicle for expressing such things - getting it out in person is essential for the flow of energy for both people involved, in turn, affecting the immediate consciousness and flow of those around you.
I thought about it. They took wonderful care of me this weekend. So good, I am grateful beyond belief and the ice sculpture of my heart melts through my eyes. When I got there this past weekend, I barely had to lift a finger other than help take care of kids. My tent was already up, sleeping bags for me and my daughter assembled, my dad's wife made my favorite soup that she makes on Thanksgiving that I cash in my pride for and beg to take the rest home - butternut squash. She spent 2 days cooking so much food for everyone, and I can see where they really really took care of me. No one takes care of me - its amazing to have yielded to it in its subtlety.
Something shifted in this trip. I can't say that for sure but I felt our relationship straining to blossom. What was it said about the tree in the forest (a bamboo I think) that appeared dead for years but in reality, it was growing roots first and then eventually, shot up higher than the others around it. This is the closest it has ever gotten to lifting its face to the sun. I know the possibility of him departing this life could be sooner than I would have had time to figure out how to bridge the gap between us. I saw in this trip, how fast life goes. He brought a small photo book with photos that spanned his life. Pictures of him smaller than my eight year old, on a sled in the snow. How can you picture such a pivotal and ferocious figure in your life as a harmless little boy, wrapped in a snowsuit by his own mom, sitting on a sled, waiting to be pulled? A blink of an eye. Now it's past me and my brother...now its our kids too. The ones on the sled. I never want to see the string of the sled sitting there, while my daughter waits patiently for the pull that no one wants to give or has time for. If I ever see photos of her on the sled, I want to see my hand at the end of the rope, big smile on her face, no disappointments, no bridges to close up years down the road, no hurts outweighing the relationship.
As much as my father and I don't know each other, we do. I am the muted version of him rolling around in the mud of optimism. He must know me inherently enough, to have planned out exactly what I needed this past weekend.