That Father Complex again

Happy Belated Mother's Day Mama's to anything - human, animal, ideas!

El, Humanling and I went to my mom's in the morning and brought Everything bagels & coffee. My dad called while we were there and I waved goodbye to my fiance since basically I need to take vacation days off work if I get on the phone with my dad. Our conversations are few and far between. I spoke to him for like 45 minutes. My dad sounds incredibly unhappy and I feel like he always has been but his desolation appears to become more obvious as he gets older. His wife is having a BBQ on July 25th - same day as the wedding. So I gently said well, can you miss the BBQ and that there will always be those types of gatherings but I'm only doing this this one time. It kind of put him in a hard situation since his wife has already been buying food - yes, for July 25th - and has people coming in from out of town, etc. Her birthday is July 26th. I believe she will be 50. So I see that it is a big deal and then I told him that I didn't want him to have to hear about it or have trouble at home so don't worry about it if he can't do it. He was trying to tell me that he needed to be at this BBQ so I finally just gave in and said that's fine. Although in my head of course I was thinking, no, its not really ok with me right now but I'll get used to it and I guess I really wanted him to step up to something and show me that maybe I might mean an effort of some sort for him. But I get his situation. Part of me thinks that he's just getting older and now his wife is probably stronger than him in many ways now since she is only 50 and he's 65 and he's just diverting to her. Then he said maybe he'll just get in his truck, run up his credit cards as much as he can and just keep driving and never come back. I wasn't really too sure about how to respond to that and fought off the urge to yell, "Look! A Monkey!" and throw the phone back at my mom.

So we left my mom's and I suppose my spirit was crushed for a while but I wanted to have a lovely day ....it just took awhile for me to get back into the swing of it. I'm very fortunate to have an understanding mate. But, my mom surprises me sometimes with some good ideas and so she had suggested earlier, why don't we change the date by one day. That would make it a Friday (and funny enough, the previous two weddings were on a Friday). She said that she wouldn't have to take the day off work and then I thought about it and thought hm, then Humanling would have an extra day to recoup before going to camp on Monday, maybe the park and the restaurant might not be as crowded as a Saturday. Just maybe the flow would be good. And what's weird is, the moon is in Virgo at that time...El, Humanling and I all have Virgo moons. Eek! A house full of Virgo moons!!! There will be a lot of Just In Case items under one roof!

So now I have emailed my dad's wife to let her know that I changed the date and even if she can't make it because she has to prepare for her BBQ the day after, I'd really like for him to come down with the rest of us for this. I noticed that he was present at her son's wedding just a couple of months ago and to get my George Carlinesque father into a tux is like shaving an armadillo but if it can be done, he looks Smooth. Unless he simply doesn't want to go, I'd like to see him there. If he doesn't go I'm going to have to do a bit of work in order to not be severely let down.

I noticed on Sunday while deciding to allow myself to feel the Weird and stew in a mope in El's arms, that my mind was reverting instinctively to where it has always gone with my father. Back to feeling let down and on guard (as opposed to En guard! with a fencing tool!). I suddenly felt crystal clear that I was catching my old pattern right in the act. My innate belief that men cannot be trusted to make me happy, that they will let me down and disappoint me and that I am not good enough to receive some effort on their behalf. I can't say that any of this is really true as far as my life has gone, but it was included when I was assembled. But my father and I still at this age have merely learned to accept how things are without making it work on a satisfying level for both of us. I feel he is defensive in many ways and gives up at the sight of a rain drop because he figures its not worth it. I feel that I have given past my comfort level here and there and have gotten knocked down for it and ridiculed in front of other family members. So I keep my distance and I am safe.

In contemplation at the park, while Humanling sailed high on a swing, and El had his arms around me, I realized that I really have these issues that stem from being ridiculed and let down by someone that I had always wanted the praise from. I also realized that I can't keep re-creating the scenes in the same way because El is nothing like that and if I were to write down everything I wanted in a person, he is it.

My dad is my dad though. I've learned so much from him being who he is and in inheriting some of his challenging qualities, have learned more about how to express them for the higher good.

And...he left me a message tonight. I believe he said the new wedding date works for him. This is beyond wonderful - and bizarre. As it may be hard to picture an apple bearing cactus with sprinkles showing up in the backyard, it is an odd thought to think of my dad being a dense mass of energy in NYC. It's like worlds colliding.

On another note - I made whipped cream tonight! The amazing simple tricks we can learn. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow in order to get the Humanling to eat the strawberries.