I may have been just a tad busy in the last week handling a mutual crashing back into love. So particular post is something that I wrote last October. So in honor of those Hallmark cards that don't exist for this occasion....
Feelin' bizarre....full moon, , hired lawyer today and crapped out $3500 in the form of my credit card for a deposit on her. If she doesn't work can I return her and get my deposit back?
I did go to bed earlier, woke up and needed to get out of bed, so back down here. Went to sleep wondering about the vacations that my ex and I took....who was he? Who was I? Will I ever want to spend time with a guy again in that way? Right now I can't even deal with my ex from a few years ago - he's sooo nice and well meaning, but (the B.... word to the nth power) he is an EX for many reasons. Reasons that simmer to the surface during small interactions. He is well meaning, and a bit of a practical tart. If I wanted to ruffle his feathers I would tell him something along the lines of the fact that I withdrew $10 from an ATM that wasn't my bank and incurred a $1.75 fee.
He has been there for me for the past month and a half to "help" me. He's doing my lawn while the house is on the market, offers to camp out on my couch so that I'm in no danger of the 21 year old Carpet man coming back to consider me a much older conquest. Its bad when I go to check my arse in the mirror and see his head poking out of it - that's how far up it he's been. Then he gets offended when I don't want to spend any time together. I just don't. A man up and leaving you will sometimes result in that whole Wish I Liked Men named Ashley or Mariah thing. Presently, I've no room or energy to be spending time on a guy when I have my eight year old.
And why is it that men get amped to date you and spend time with you but in their mind have warped you into their universe where you either seem to have no children or a 24/7 nanny so that you can be inserted into their plans on a constant basis? then say "you're no fun". The quickest way to turn Me to Mean in 2 seconds is to chid me on my lack of impulsive sexual prowess when I've got homework, dinner and cat water bowl to tend to.
I used to have the next guy all cued up and ready to play when the first record was over. Now I guess I'll kick back and wait for the grey hairs to start because I am SO not interested in exerting my time anymore on anyone but myself, my family and those dreams that have been put on the backburner of a non working stove underwater.
This brings to mind the camping trip that I took with my family this past weekend. My father is 64, the only man on the planet that I know that can cause bladder leakage with one warning look. And I don't mean to me, I mean to any breathing, heart beating human. I was the kind of scared of him that caused compensations and defense mechanisms to develop to occur very young. He was a violent man, an alchoholic (aren't they all?). One of those relationships where growing up, I was a momma's girl and wondered what that was like when girls wanted to be around their dad's because I wasn't one of them. So when I was nine, the family was done the final favor and my parents split up. Over the years, the relationship with him has been effort after effort in vain....the kind where you know if one of us died, the other one would know for sure that we'd f**ked up and should have done the kiss and make up thing a long time ago. And maybe we would have if we knew what we were apologizing for. We are who we are. And I know that my dad is sick...he's had Hep C for many years....the strong, partying, terrifying figure who lifts weights and revers nature was turned down, after giving gallons of blood, about 10 years ago when his blood was screened. He most likely got it from needle sharing. Dare this man to do anything and he'll cut his nose off to spite his face, just so you can hear him echoing in the distance...."I did it though, didn't I?"
So when his birthday was coming, his wife emailed me to say we'd all be going camping, I knew I wouldn't turn this down. We have a hard time being around each other...inevitably I usually walk away hurt by something he says or does(and I've been accused of having an ice sculpture for a heart in the past!) In recent months, my own mother has passed information down to me that she hears my father might not be doing as well, but of course he would never verify that....my father's liver could be cutting an escape hatch right in front of your face and he would merely say that he doesn't know what you're referring to. He does not talk sickness.
We went and it turned out to be something that I am glad I didn't refuse. We are like two strangers of the same animal, checking each other out from the distance, watching, observing, interested, but not getting too close much of the time. I'd watch him cutting wood for the fire, thinking how Not Sick he looks. I noticed in turn that he would stand up in the woods staring down at his brood - me, my brother, the grandkids, going about chasing around the youngest, walking rocks with the older ones.
When the kids went to bed and we finally had a very short time alone, me, my dad and his wife sat around ingesting much of the campfire smoke due to an instigating wind. My father tried his best, beer in hand, to reach out to me. He sat next to me and explained that he was going to have a simple party at his home for his birthday this year. However, with the circumstances of my life and husband walking out and leaving me with much of the burden of selling our home and tipping my life into an angle that I never thought I'd have to view from, my father said that he wanted this trip to happen for me. He got us all together and had us do an autumnal equinox camping trip because he thought I needed it - to get away and be with family and not worry about things for a couple of days. He doesn't say much most of the time. It's always just beneath the surface. You sense it's there and both of you wait for the other person to make the first move, but usually no one does. And the moment goes away. Then you wonder if you'll ever have the chance again before its too late. A eulogy is the wrong vehicle for expressing such things - getting it out in person is essential for the flow of energy for both people involved, in turn, affecting the immediate consciousness and flow of those around you.
I thought about it. They took wonderful care of me this weekend. So good, I am grateful beyond belief and the ice sculpture of my heart melts through my eyes. When I got there this past weekend, I barely had to lift a finger other than help take care of kids. My tent was already up, sleeping bags for me and my daughter assembled, my dad's wife made my favorite soup that she makes on Thanksgiving that I cash in my pride for and beg to take the rest home - butternut squash. She spent 2 days cooking so much food for everyone, and I can see where they really really took care of me. No one takes care of me - its amazing to have yielded to it in its subtlety.
Something shifted in this trip. I can't say that for sure but I felt our relationship straining to blossom. What was it said about the tree in the forest (a bamboo I think) that appeared dead for years but in reality, it was growing roots first and then eventually, shot up higher than the others around it. This is the closest it has ever gotten to lifting its face to the sun. I know the possibility of him departing this life could be sooner than I would have had time to figure out how to bridge the gap between us. I saw in this trip, how fast life goes. He brought a small photo book with photos that spanned his life. Pictures of him smaller than my eight year old, on a sled in the snow. How can you picture such a pivotal and ferocious figure in your life as a harmless little boy, wrapped in a snowsuit by his own mom, sitting on a sled, waiting to be pulled? A blink of an eye. Now it's past me and my brother...now its our kids too. The ones on the sled. I never want to see the string of the sled sitting there, while my daughter waits patiently for the pull that no one wants to give or has time for. If I ever see photos of her on the sled, I want to see my hand at the end of the rope, big smile on her face, no disappointments, no bridges to close up years down the road, no hurts outweighing the relationship.
As much as my father and I don't know each other, we do. I am the muted version of him rolling around in the mud of optimism. He must know me inherently enough, to have planned out exactly what I needed this past weekend.
I did go to bed earlier, woke up and needed to get out of bed, so back down here. Went to sleep wondering about the vacations that my ex and I took....who was he? Who was I? Will I ever want to spend time with a guy again in that way? Right now I can't even deal with my ex from a few years ago - he's sooo nice and well meaning, but (the B.... word to the nth power) he is an EX for many reasons. Reasons that simmer to the surface during small interactions. He is well meaning, and a bit of a practical tart. If I wanted to ruffle his feathers I would tell him something along the lines of the fact that I withdrew $10 from an ATM that wasn't my bank and incurred a $1.75 fee.
He has been there for me for the past month and a half to "help" me. He's doing my lawn while the house is on the market, offers to camp out on my couch so that I'm in no danger of the 21 year old Carpet man coming back to consider me a much older conquest. Its bad when I go to check my arse in the mirror and see his head poking out of it - that's how far up it he's been. Then he gets offended when I don't want to spend any time together. I just don't. A man up and leaving you will sometimes result in that whole Wish I Liked Men named Ashley or Mariah thing. Presently, I've no room or energy to be spending time on a guy when I have my eight year old.
And why is it that men get amped to date you and spend time with you but in their mind have warped you into their universe where you either seem to have no children or a 24/7 nanny so that you can be inserted into their plans on a constant basis? then say "you're no fun". The quickest way to turn Me to Mean in 2 seconds is to chid me on my lack of impulsive sexual prowess when I've got homework, dinner and cat water bowl to tend to.
I used to have the next guy all cued up and ready to play when the first record was over. Now I guess I'll kick back and wait for the grey hairs to start because I am SO not interested in exerting my time anymore on anyone but myself, my family and those dreams that have been put on the backburner of a non working stove underwater.
This brings to mind the camping trip that I took with my family this past weekend. My father is 64, the only man on the planet that I know that can cause bladder leakage with one warning look. And I don't mean to me, I mean to any breathing, heart beating human. I was the kind of scared of him that caused compensations and defense mechanisms to develop to occur very young. He was a violent man, an alchoholic (aren't they all?). One of those relationships where growing up, I was a momma's girl and wondered what that was like when girls wanted to be around their dad's because I wasn't one of them. So when I was nine, the family was done the final favor and my parents split up. Over the years, the relationship with him has been effort after effort in vain....the kind where you know if one of us died, the other one would know for sure that we'd f**ked up and should have done the kiss and make up thing a long time ago. And maybe we would have if we knew what we were apologizing for. We are who we are. And I know that my dad is sick...he's had Hep C for many years....the strong, partying, terrifying figure who lifts weights and revers nature was turned down, after giving gallons of blood, about 10 years ago when his blood was screened. He most likely got it from needle sharing. Dare this man to do anything and he'll cut his nose off to spite his face, just so you can hear him echoing in the distance...."I did it though, didn't I?"
So when his birthday was coming, his wife emailed me to say we'd all be going camping, I knew I wouldn't turn this down. We have a hard time being around each other...inevitably I usually walk away hurt by something he says or does(and I've been accused of having an ice sculpture for a heart in the past!) In recent months, my own mother has passed information down to me that she hears my father might not be doing as well, but of course he would never verify that....my father's liver could be cutting an escape hatch right in front of your face and he would merely say that he doesn't know what you're referring to. He does not talk sickness.
We went and it turned out to be something that I am glad I didn't refuse. We are like two strangers of the same animal, checking each other out from the distance, watching, observing, interested, but not getting too close much of the time. I'd watch him cutting wood for the fire, thinking how Not Sick he looks. I noticed in turn that he would stand up in the woods staring down at his brood - me, my brother, the grandkids, going about chasing around the youngest, walking rocks with the older ones.
When the kids went to bed and we finally had a very short time alone, me, my dad and his wife sat around ingesting much of the campfire smoke due to an instigating wind. My father tried his best, beer in hand, to reach out to me. He sat next to me and explained that he was going to have a simple party at his home for his birthday this year. However, with the circumstances of my life and husband walking out and leaving me with much of the burden of selling our home and tipping my life into an angle that I never thought I'd have to view from, my father said that he wanted this trip to happen for me. He got us all together and had us do an autumnal equinox camping trip because he thought I needed it - to get away and be with family and not worry about things for a couple of days. He doesn't say much most of the time. It's always just beneath the surface. You sense it's there and both of you wait for the other person to make the first move, but usually no one does. And the moment goes away. Then you wonder if you'll ever have the chance again before its too late. A eulogy is the wrong vehicle for expressing such things - getting it out in person is essential for the flow of energy for both people involved, in turn, affecting the immediate consciousness and flow of those around you.
I thought about it. They took wonderful care of me this weekend. So good, I am grateful beyond belief and the ice sculpture of my heart melts through my eyes. When I got there this past weekend, I barely had to lift a finger other than help take care of kids. My tent was already up, sleeping bags for me and my daughter assembled, my dad's wife made my favorite soup that she makes on Thanksgiving that I cash in my pride for and beg to take the rest home - butternut squash. She spent 2 days cooking so much food for everyone, and I can see where they really really took care of me. No one takes care of me - its amazing to have yielded to it in its subtlety.
Something shifted in this trip. I can't say that for sure but I felt our relationship straining to blossom. What was it said about the tree in the forest (a bamboo I think) that appeared dead for years but in reality, it was growing roots first and then eventually, shot up higher than the others around it. This is the closest it has ever gotten to lifting its face to the sun. I know the possibility of him departing this life could be sooner than I would have had time to figure out how to bridge the gap between us. I saw in this trip, how fast life goes. He brought a small photo book with photos that spanned his life. Pictures of him smaller than my eight year old, on a sled in the snow. How can you picture such a pivotal and ferocious figure in your life as a harmless little boy, wrapped in a snowsuit by his own mom, sitting on a sled, waiting to be pulled? A blink of an eye. Now it's past me and my brother...now its our kids too. The ones on the sled. I never want to see the string of the sled sitting there, while my daughter waits patiently for the pull that no one wants to give or has time for. If I ever see photos of her on the sled, I want to see my hand at the end of the rope, big smile on her face, no disappointments, no bridges to close up years down the road, no hurts outweighing the relationship.
As much as my father and I don't know each other, we do. I am the muted version of him rolling around in the mud of optimism. He must know me inherently enough, to have planned out exactly what I needed this past weekend.
4 comments:
What a damn fine man! ke-RIPES! If you got any of his fine genes then I know how you and the old flame set NYC of fire last week...
I just read my own comment. Just call me Shallow Hal.
Meanwhile, much respect to you for having insight into your Dad. Not a lot of people can do that.
Aw thanks Alan. Yeah, it took a lot of years though to come to peace with it all. And I betcha in five more, this could be a different story altogether.
and oh yeah...ha ha....I know I got some of his hard wired genes kicking arse somewhere in there but I also had an insanely hot Grandma who was quite a city girl and loved her Latino men....spicy!
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