Today is indeed the day, the anniversary of my heart skinny dipping into the raw and the passionate. Not that it never happened before or after. But this one was different.
I was his sales rep for a music distribution company. It was HOLY FARKING SHIT at first sight. I recall meeting so many buyers that week and running to a pay phone (yes, pay phone in NYC - it was 1996 when pay phones were an evil necessity still) to call my friend (who is now called Auntie Mame) and tell her that I just met this guy, this incredible guy who reminded me of Antonio Banderas. Only way less shady. And without the slitted eye effect.
We had such a history. So much drama and passion. We both lived with other people. We lived a two hour train ride apart. He showed up in my town one afternoon while my fiancee and I were walking back from the store with a box of hot chocolate to make after putting up our Christmas tree. His showing up in basically nowheresville on a cold day while by himself, should have been like a bat to my fiancee's knees. A small clue. Barely forming coherent setences, I invited him in and offered him hot chocolate. He made up a very good lie as to why he was in town. Twenty minutes later I escorted him to the door hissing at him to never ever show up like that again. The next day I woke up in love with him all over again for showing up exactly the way that he did.
He was my insane lover.
More drama. An eventual break up with both men. And a marriage to Cavey. Years after I sent Cavey away in a wheelbarrow full of empties, I found my man again. I played my hand patiently and persistently...I knew what I wanted. I'm a Scorpio. When I know exactly what I want, I have been fortunate enough to get it. I had him again, legitimately, both of us available and ready for our real and adult relationship without hiding behind other people.
A series of confusing cyclones hit and we broke up - for reasons that I just couldn't list publicly - but it wasn't for lack of love. We reunited a year later and the exact same big issue crashed our party. Only this time, I lost my mind, hit the Eject button and never spoke to him after. I refused his emails, phone calls and mentally bore my spade into the ground, burying everything associated with him. There was a lot of pain on both ends. I thought I could throw him away and never look back. Hindsight sucks. How arrogant I was .... being used to just choosing the next person to try on and toss in the used bin once getting bored. I should have known that pay day was coming. Signed, sealed, delivered with Husband #2.
These days I am in love with the idea of that perfect fit. Who'd be mad at that?
While I wonder how much of my Lobster I have romanticized, I also am trying to remember those things that really irked me about him. Those things fade off though, like child birth and then people get pregnant again. What remains is the substance. And the miles of regret. I don't think I can ever be in this person's life again. I can't see how he'd trust me or know that I've been kicked in the jimmies of the soul, made promises to myself and God and have changed.
I called his voicemail todayand heard his accent. I'm one peering window shy of Stalker. He works for the same place he did 8 years ago, as do I. As I listen to his voice, I wonder to myself what is inside those tones? Is there a wife who hears his sensual pronounciations? Is there a child perhaps who is being familiarized with his own traditions? There is a whole world inside his voice that I am no longer privledged to know of.
Really though, the purpose of this musing, is to remember how deep you can feel for another person. And if you feel it and have it in your grasp, without wilting the other person, hang onto it.
I happen to work with one of my exes. We dated for a couple of years, broke up, I got married again, was released from my wifely assignment, and here he is again. Not wavering, not scared, not Unsure. He has changed a little, or so his credits say.
He cornered me in a break room at work once, getting inches away from my face. He told me he would give all up material possessions just to be with me. Or something to that effect. Whatever he said, it was dangerous since the PC flags were going up in flames all over the place. HR would be arriving shortly with hoses and pink slips. We stepped apart as someone walked into the room.
I had not given myself to this person as I didn't even know myself what I was really looking for. Was I to go for it and give it a try, sending the guards home and getting cozy in this familiarity?
My answer is no. It's not that this sort of thing wouldn't be nice with someone, but my gut said it wasn't time for any of that. Or is that because its not the right person? I've made some heinous calls in the past so I wouldn't let anyone take MY two cents to their bookie.
On that note, I am finally going to shut off Tom and Jerry in the other room. I've heard Tom do his infamous window on neck scream about 12 times already. Tom was, incidentally, my cartoon crush as a child. Anyone else have those? I thought Jerry needed to be link flicked off the planet so that my poor Tom could stop getting suckered. I digress. Time to fall asleep, enjoying the memory of the last part of that night so long ago. Rage Against the Machine was on the radio, Bulls on Parade, as we fell into my hotel room, clothes flying, tripping backwards onto the bed. He said to me, "Let's Play a Game", which meant we could say I love you and it was okay. We didn't have to adhere to the timelines of a normal I Love You. This is where the needle skips the record for me and I won't be stopping it
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