How Did It Go?

Yesterday was the day when all those miracles I'd asked for, actually were dumped, one after another, all over me.

I had to change my shirt last minute before leaving for my train. Anything that you have to adjust so that your undergarments aren't competing for attention is just not right. I thought my hair and I had agreed earlier to work with each other for the occasion, but it was not to be. I fiddled with it over and over again whenever the train went through a tunnel so that I could see my reflection. And of course, had the Great Les Brown CD flipped over in the case so that I could use it as a mirror.

Docking in GCT, I had no idea how to hold my stride, after all, he could be watching, he could be around THIS corner, or THIS corner. My train was early so I did one last hair check in the bathroom (it was beyond repair) and then headed toward the infamous clock in the center.

I don't know if I just happened to turn around or if he made a sound. Upon turning around, he was right there, already looking straight at me. When I saw him at first I literally did an embarassing soap opera gasp....our eyes locked, time stood still and we just stared at each other without a word for just those few seconds...maybe 5, maybe seven. I don't know...it was one of those things where time stopped. I felt like something clicked when our eyes met - on a soul level. Something was so familar...like an energy recognition, like being on another planet for 5 years and finally running into your own species.

We finally quit sizing each other up and hugged.

Then started what would be my best weekend in five years. But why drag this into a long post? That's what I'll start with. Stay tuned....

It Never Hurts To Admit You Were a Chump

After my reminescent spilling of how I had a great relationship many years ago and then flicked it into the bin without even checking to see if it made it in or not....I came to a decision. I decided that I should send a letter of apology to that person.

Mind you, he was the love of my life, and I haven't spoken to him in about 5 years.

I knew years ago, that I would eventually need to give him the courtesy of an apology. He did deserve it.

I stalked his job (via phone....I don't have time to go on actual stalking rampages...especially with Humanling in tow telling me she's hungry or tired or has to use the bathroom NOW) and found his place of employment. I wrote him a five page letter, double-sided, and mailed it off expecting to never ever hear from him again.

But I resolved within myself that it was okay. That the apology itself is what needed to happen and nothing more. That didn't stop me from leaving a contact email.....you know, just in case.

The stock in my emotion of 'suprise' hit the jackpot when I checked my email today and found Said person on there. With a response. Without a restraining order, expletives or slamming a proverbial door in my face.

I still don't know how I feel. It was one thing when I imagined that he would never respond. I accepted that. But now....

Now I'm in the precise moment where the butterfly lands on your arm and you don't want to move.

So I haven't stepped out of this moment yet. I don't know if I'm being dared to move.

But I will say this, whatever happens, there is something that stood out in my mind prior to sending this letter to right my perceived wrongs. A fellow blogger, Alan, said to me that True love is right there IF I want it. And I believe him. Our cards may be spent in this casino, but who knows...maybe they started recycling a bit.

My Favorite Day

Today is indeed the day, the anniversary of my heart skinny dipping into the raw and the passionate. Not that it never happened before or after. But this one was different.

I was his sales rep for a music distribution company. It was HOLY FARKING SHIT at first sight. I recall meeting so many buyers that week and running to a pay phone (yes, pay phone in NYC - it was 1996 when pay phones were an evil necessity still) to call my friend (who is now called Auntie Mame) and tell her that I just met this guy, this incredible guy who reminded me of Antonio Banderas. Only way less shady. And without the slitted eye effect.

We had such a history. So much drama and passion. We both lived with other people. We lived a two hour train ride apart. He showed up in my town one afternoon while my fiancee and I were walking back from the store with a box of hot chocolate to make after putting up our Christmas tree. His showing up in basically nowheresville on a cold day while by himself, should have been like a bat to my fiancee's knees. A small clue. Barely forming coherent setences, I invited him in and offered him hot chocolate. He made up a very good lie as to why he was in town. Twenty minutes later I escorted him to the door hissing at him to never ever show up like that again. The next day I woke up in love with him all over again for showing up exactly the way that he did.

He was my insane lover.

More drama. An eventual break up with both men. And a marriage to Cavey. Years after I sent Cavey away in a wheelbarrow full of empties, I found my man again. I played my hand patiently and persistently...I knew what I wanted. I'm a Scorpio. When I know exactly what I want, I have been fortunate enough to get it. I had him again, legitimately, both of us available and ready for our real and adult relationship without hiding behind other people.
A series of confusing cyclones hit and we broke up - for reasons that I just couldn't list publicly - but it wasn't for lack of love. We reunited a year later and the exact same big issue crashed our party. Only this time, I lost my mind, hit the Eject button and never spoke to him after. I refused his emails, phone calls and mentally bore my spade into the ground, burying everything associated with him. There was a lot of pain on both ends. I thought I could throw him away and never look back. Hindsight sucks. How arrogant I was .... being used to just choosing the next person to try on and toss in the used bin once getting bored. I should have known that pay day was coming. Signed, sealed, delivered with Husband #2.

These days I am in love with the idea of that perfect fit. Who'd be mad at that?

While I wonder how much of my Lobster I have romanticized, I also am trying to remember those things that really irked me about him. Those things fade off though, like child birth and then people get pregnant again. What remains is the substance. And the miles of regret. I don't think I can ever be in this person's life again. I can't see how he'd trust me or know that I've been kicked in the jimmies of the soul, made promises to myself and God and have changed.


I called his voicemail todayand heard his accent. I'm one peering window shy of Stalker. He works for the same place he did 8 years ago, as do I. As I listen to his voice, I wonder to myself what is inside those tones? Is there a wife who hears his sensual pronounciations? Is there a child perhaps who is being familiarized with his own traditions? There is a whole world inside his voice that I am no longer privledged to know of.

Really though, the purpose of this musing, is to remember how deep you can feel for another person. And if you feel it and have it in your grasp, without wilting the other person, hang onto it.
I happen to work with one of my exes. We dated for a couple of years, broke up, I got married again, was released from my wifely assignment, and here he is again. Not wavering, not scared, not Unsure. He has changed a little, or so his credits say.

He cornered me in a break room at work once, getting inches away from my face. He told me he would give all up material possessions just to be with me. Or something to that effect. Whatever he said, it was dangerous since the PC flags were going up in flames all over the place. HR would be arriving shortly with hoses and pink slips. We stepped apart as someone walked into the room.
I had not given myself to this person as I didn't even know myself what I was really looking for. Was I to go for it and give it a try, sending the guards home and getting cozy in this familiarity?
My answer is no. It's not that this sort of thing wouldn't be nice with someone, but my gut said it wasn't time for any of that. Or is that because its not the right person? I've made some heinous calls in the past so I wouldn't let anyone take MY two cents to their bookie.

On that note, I am finally going to shut off Tom and Jerry in the other room. I've heard Tom do his infamous window on neck scream about 12 times already. Tom was, incidentally, my cartoon crush as a child. Anyone else have those? I thought Jerry needed to be link flicked off the planet so that my poor Tom could stop getting suckered. I digress. Time to fall asleep, enjoying the memory of the last part of that night so long ago. Rage Against the Machine was on the radio, Bulls on Parade, as we fell into my hotel room, clothes flying, tripping backwards onto the bed. He said to me, "Let's Play a Game", which meant we could say I love you and it was okay. We didn't have to adhere to the timelines of a normal I Love You. This is where the needle skips the record for me and I won't be stopping it

For all of us Unrequited Love luckies!

None Before, None After

"Are you trying to get me drunk?"
you shyly say
as you self-consciously
consume your meal
Across from me, the deja-vu
memory of loving heaven;
as it was right before
my unmemorable forceped entrance
into my mother's world

Behind you, lies a wry, narrow stairway
bursting with passionate hues
we must have accidentally
passed through

I have You and my martini
standing over the As of Yet
uncrossed ledge of perfection, peering
with exhiliration and anticipation of
the fall

We leave for the subway
Now less than two, melting
the water is starting to fizz
with rhythmic chains of bubbles

Many rides, many lives and petals
of alternate Accident or Intent
roar past, leaving us squinting
at someone's dirty path to Harlem
Pointing, we leave another layer of prints
on the plexiglass;
The information desperate yet unable
to convey from it's foggy wall
the drunken laughter leads me to look
into pools of brown
where no shadow exists
The sidewalk above boils down;
erasing all prior effort of evolution
while my forefinger still presses it's memory
onto 110th Street

I am being poisoned
as your breath forces
it's carbon dioxide into my lungs
At this moment, a standard has
high hopes dusted upon a brand new
swaddling cloth

We are now mitosis in reverse
We were never two;
Or you and me
and are gelling backwards
to the perfection of
the potential in the perfect One;
Alone, as God created
This is how I know kow God's face;
and the inspiration of
Bees and dandelions
that burst from my veins
This is how I know I can wander
senselessly in Harlem at dusk
without harm
And plunk smiles into
the empty cups of those sitting aginst buildings
and sleep little after a drunk night
yet looking refreshingly splashed
in the dew
I have now inhaled the land
where elderly women do not find
kissing to be vulgar

I discovered that we have all
written the cliche out of a moment
where your finger slides distractedly
from 110th to West 33rd
and when you, my brilliant lover
ask to play a game
we will erase any
piece of history that contradicts
our legend


Its not that I find this piece particularly brilliant. I wrote it about eight years ago while pining for someone that I had hurt years earlier. Obsessed you say? Well....why not. It becomes stalking when I start saying ominous things about how only I can make him happy and pull out my three folder portfolio detailing how.

These first days in May hold the anniversary of the best time I ever had falling in love. Does it count that we both had significant others? Shady, indeed! No one was married, and as all guilty parties will address - it wasn't intentional, it just kind of happened, like accidentally putting an old phallic toy that your ex husband used to have fun with in the dresser that he will be picking up soon. Or the Tyra Banks quote about wishing acne on someone's butt. Too much info? Sorry, damn non-erasable font.

I took advantage of someone's seriousness about emotions and promises and never warned him that if the kite suddenly changes direction, I might disappear. But that follows with something else that he used to tell me....Know Thyself. I thought he was just being an annoying Virgo at the time. Yeah yeah, Know Thyself blah blah blah aren't you philosophical now shhhh. Turns out that I didn't know myself back then like I thought I did. I had yet to invest in a solid set of morals other than not contributing to the slaughter of animals (According to statistics, I have free Willied on 88 cows a year since 1992) I look back at myself like you would watch some sloppy drunk girl at closing time trying to find someone to go home with. How can she not know how disrespectful she is being to herself? Well Tah-dah. It would have been sorta ok if it was just me but I hurt another person and didn't realize the seriousness of the shot until years later.

He even let me come back years later, after a marriage that I left him for and with a small child. He is a rare gem. He opened armed us both. If I drove through Burger King tonight to order it up my way, I would be 99% describing him.

He gave me a couple more chances to hurt him, which I seemingly took great pains to do while joyriding with extra large snow tires right over his heart.

Oh Boo Hoo. I sound like such a biotch. Well, it pays right? If I had held onto such a lovely as himself, I couldn't have launched myself straight into the mess that was my last marriage (although it was years later) and needlessly spent so much money on lawyer fees, huge home bills and little things that the ex thought was great to purchase since we had two incomes and then leave me with as he went home to suckle off his mommy and daddy.

In all honesty, it was the last series of relationships with the young dudes that forced me to really Know Thyself. I decided years ago that I would never hurt someone again, at least on that level. A thumbtack under the butt never killed anyone though. I promised myself and God that I would remain honest - even if it wasn't what the other person was looking to hear. I will not be a party to needless pain anymore.

I accept the spit up that the last baby man got all over me, knowing that karma does come around. I'm not much of a martyr (although the outfit looks pretty good on me) but I accept that I have gotten my due. He nearly play by played me on the major joints of the script that I used to do wrong on the Virgo. I saw it play out and I'm glad to have seen it by this age and not way later. I may still someday find just that right click of chemistry, where everything is eternally in the wonder of bloom.

I just make myself sound better and better with these posts. I am so going to be swatting the boys away with this one.