Is This Thing On...?

"You have been mine before - How long ago I may not know: But just when at that swallow's soar, your neck turned so, Some veil did fall, - I knew it all of yore."
   - Dante Gabriel Rossetti

It's a gorgeous, gray morning.  The AC is blaring and the cats have all found their quiet places for the time being.  Pretty soon it will be time to blog from the stoop, coffee fiercely protected from ants and other wingeds.

It's always tough to know how to re-start after a large gap in writing.  So you just Do.

There have been a couple of reasons why I haven't written anything for a bit.  I'll leave those reasons up for anyone's imagination for now.  But after speaking with a friend, decided that yeah, why hush up the premises.

I'm taking Humanling out for a teensy hike with the goal being to just sit in between water falls after choosing the right butt friendly rock to sit on, book in hand.  Edith Wharton's "Summer" will be accompanying me.  I'm not sure how much I'll read since the falls demand that I just listen.  Just sense.  When I've had a decent fill of that, I can be released for a few paragraphs.

Since I took the day off of work to spend on my challenging but delightful Humanling, I am bumming around braless, in boxers, coffee at my left, waiting for her to awaken.  I've come into my own with the Summer season.  It used to be the last one hired....how I despised hot weather.  Hot cars.  Blaring sunshine.  But now, I love the pace.  I'll totally handle the trade off that I get with the pace of Summer.  

I'm trolling around Facebook, enjoy the morning selections from Beatnik Online - adding the right offerings to my newly created July playlist on Soundcloud.  Currently I listening to The Midnight Eez - Childhood Memories.  If notes capture the Summer spirit, this song is full of them. I've boosted their stats this morning by hitting the play button at least 13 times.

There are a number of moments in life where things feel bigger than we are.  Things feel cosmically written.  Things that you think were left done in the past, tied up in a neat bow or with shredded twine, come back to let you know that your subconscious hasn't forgotten.  You may have been going about life, getting up and over situations, using your new scar tissue as bowling alley bumpers against life's small wounds.  You may declare that you are "so grateful" to have gone through the process.  That's what I did well after my 2nd marriage was over.  Soooooo glad!  I learned SO much! Yeah! Party with the Lessons Learned Bucket List!

Until your past creeps up on you after five years and for totally legit reasons, you are about to look in this person's eyes for the first time since the courtroom gavel that sounded your freedom.  

It's a confusing dance at first and nearly two months later, I can't say that it's any less confusing. But the confusion has settled into a nearby hotel while it figures out what the plan is, allowing for present comfort.  Life is full of strange surprises.  I never thought I'd be someone who would say "I'm dating my ex-husband".  But there it is.  And it was instantaneous - from the day we were again in each other's presence.  

Some other post may offer more detail than that.  For now it is enough to take in on a daily basis, that we get to enjoy all of the things that originally pulled us together seven years ago.  Before we knew the problems that would move in with us and that they would be much bigger than any idea of a solution that we could come up with.  

Now is different.  Not different as in me saying this is forever.  Different as in how we are now approaching each other.  We flow, we entice, we hunger and fulfill.  We know what the biggest hurdles are for now, but they lie dormant.  Sleeping, because we can keep them that way for now.  

And the best is that we have no plan.  One of the biggest themes emanating for us is Be-ing.  As a united energy, we Are.  And it brings amazing results moment to moment. Day after day.  We flow better than we ever have, partially attributing the good times to the phoenix of a foundation that we are on now.   

"The highest form of human intelligence is to observe yourself without judgement." ~ Krishnamurti

And right now, it's a slow and sensual waltz between observation and leaving the heart open to all it can experience.

Then I Turned Around...and it was Gone!

I don’t know how many of you remember, but I clearly recall standing on the current far side of the bridge a few months ago. Summer was beginning, school was out…a season of possibility and surprise!

Our list included Summer’s greatest hits such as Eating out of the garden, planting and tending to flowers, growing Black krim tomatoes, camping in the back yard, getting corn form a local farm stand, enjoying a huge helping of home-made local ice cream and just in general, a lot of barefoot walking anywhere it could be done.

And this summer had it’s great moments. Freshly fried zucchini with homemade marinara sauce from the garden eaten outside as a family, Sunday evening jazz and blues music softly lending itself to an outdoor beer or wine, weeding (yes, weeding!), watching the Irish Bells come up and actually see how the namesake was derived. Humanling, who has epilepsy, had her yearly EEG during the hottest days of over 100 degrees. Poor thing with her head wrapped up tight in a bandage and the Wrapologist telling me, “Keep her head from sweating”.

This summer also brought a few of the worst fights my mate and I have ever experienced together as well. During those fights, never wanting to give up or leave, just Fix.

Everytime I think I have learned about myself, I realize that I cannot hold onto who I think I am right now. This will not stick. I will be different in a week or a month or a year. I’d love to take those pieces and moments of me that I enjoy and put them in a lidded jar, to contain what I know I will forget. I will forget all those wonderful qualities that I have when a fight comes around. Or when my mate asks why I did something This way instead of That way. Or when I lose my patience and snap on my little girl that I only want to shield from scars of all kinds.

It’s so easy to become down on ourselves. No wonder there’s a market for self esteem and confidence books. And thankfully for the younger sect as well.

But buying a book isn’t good enough. Practice practice practice. My Humanling needs to see me feel like a million percent Light in order to see that it is not only possible, but to bridge her to her own 100%.

I need to prioritize teaching her how to feel Safe with her feelings. That feelings are always okay. She is never wrong for having them. Reactions on the other hand…..our house needs time to slow down between exchanges. Reactions could be different, given a buffer of time. Until we can do so, I can only hyper focus on my own….being attentive, aware and deciding right then and there to drift with the moment on a non-reactive river.

Our summer saw the illness and death of my mate’s stepfather, who was essentially the only and best male role model he has ever had since he was about 13. We watched three strokes, at one per month and then finally on August 21st, stood in his hospital room and watched his last exhalation.

This has been the only death that I have witnessed. I am still trying to wrap my head around watching a bundle of 62 years that laughed, raged, experienced, married twice, raised and adored two daughters and become something huge to many, just end. Simply. No drama, no final gasp like on TV. Just an exhale of Done.

This has been the only time I have witnessed “Til Death Do Us Part” and watch his wonderful wife devastated, yet graceful, accept the reality of this vow.

Due to Bill’s death, I have now been to only one funeral that had a New Orleans 2nd Line feel to it. Bill’s son in law played the “When the Saints Go Marching In” on trombone as we waved handkerchiefs and twirled parasols on our way to the reception hall.

At the same reception, I heard wonderful and lively stories about the dearly departed. He was a wine connoisseur, and had earlier on in life, his own wine shop that refused to carry cheap wine. Our table had the best wine I’ve ever tasted. A wonderful chardonnay with strong vanilla in it. I finally had my first love moment with a wine.

Leaves and temperatures are doing their seasonal ritual….the gradual dips. Slowly so as to not shock us. Another beautiful season.

I’m going to miss my bare foot excursions as the time needs to be taken now to sock and shoe up while gently we move into this new season of healing and adapting.

Humanling Allows Niceities to get the best of her

Scene: Me driving us down the main strip in our miniscule town.

Weather: Very hot

Characters: Me as the driver, Humanling as herself and a shirtless man walking on the sidewalk facing us.

Humanling [pointing with all her might outside the car window at the shirtless man] - EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!

Curtain closes as Me gasps in horror at the apparent wonderful job I've done in so far omitting etiquette in her 9 years.

Study question: But was he a MySpacer?