I don’t know how many of you remember, but I clearly recall standing on the current far side of the bridge a few months ago. Summer was beginning, school was out…a season of possibility and surprise!
Our list included Summer’s greatest hits such as Eating out of the garden, planting and tending to flowers, growing Black krim tomatoes, camping in the back yard, getting corn form a local farm stand, enjoying a huge helping of home-made local ice cream and just in general, a lot of barefoot walking anywhere it could be done.
And this summer had it’s great moments. Freshly fried zucchini with homemade marinara sauce from the garden eaten outside as a family, Sunday evening jazz and blues music softly lending itself to an outdoor beer or wine, weeding (yes, weeding!), watching the Irish Bells come up and actually see how the namesake was derived. Humanling, who has epilepsy, had her yearly EEG during the hottest days of over 100 degrees. Poor thing with her head wrapped up tight in a bandage and the Wrapologist telling me, “Keep her head from sweating”.
This summer also brought a few of the worst fights my mate and I have ever experienced together as well. During those fights, never wanting to give up or leave, just Fix.
Everytime I think I have learned about myself, I realize that I cannot hold onto who I think I am right now. This will not stick. I will be different in a week or a month or a year. I’d love to take those pieces and moments of me that I enjoy and put them in a lidded jar, to contain what I know I will forget. I will forget all those wonderful qualities that I have when a fight comes around. Or when my mate asks why I did something This way instead of That way. Or when I lose my patience and snap on my little girl that I only want to shield from scars of all kinds.
It’s so easy to become down on ourselves. No wonder there’s a market for self esteem and confidence books. And thankfully for the younger sect as well.
But buying a book isn’t good enough. Practice practice practice. My Humanling needs to see me feel like a million percent Light in order to see that it is not only possible, but to bridge her to her own 100%.
I need to prioritize teaching her how to feel Safe with her feelings. That feelings are always okay. She is never wrong for having them. Reactions on the other hand…..our house needs time to slow down between exchanges. Reactions could be different, given a buffer of time. Until we can do so, I can only hyper focus on my own….being attentive, aware and deciding right then and there to drift with the moment on a non-reactive river.
Our summer saw the illness and death of my mate’s stepfather, who was essentially the only and best male role model he has ever had since he was about 13. We watched three strokes, at one per month and then finally on August 21st, stood in his hospital room and watched his last exhalation.
This has been the only death that I have witnessed. I am still trying to wrap my head around watching a bundle of 62 years that laughed, raged, experienced, married twice, raised and adored two daughters and become something huge to many, just end. Simply. No drama, no final gasp like on TV. Just an exhale of Done.
This has been the only time I have witnessed “Til Death Do Us Part” and watch his wonderful wife devastated, yet graceful, accept the reality of this vow.
Due to Bill’s death, I have now been to only one funeral that had a New Orleans 2nd Line feel to it. Bill’s son in law played the “When the Saints Go Marching In” on trombone as we waved handkerchiefs and twirled parasols on our way to the reception hall.
At the same reception, I heard wonderful and lively stories about the dearly departed. He was a wine connoisseur, and had earlier on in life, his own wine shop that refused to carry cheap wine. Our table had the best wine I’ve ever tasted. A wonderful chardonnay with strong vanilla in it. I finally had my first love moment with a wine.
Leaves and temperatures are doing their seasonal ritual….the gradual dips. Slowly so as to not shock us. Another beautiful season.
I’m going to miss my bare foot excursions as the time needs to be taken now to sock and shoe up while gently we move into this new season of healing and adapting.
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