I Have Crabs

Six of them. I love my crabs. Look at handsome up there and his little black eyes flirting with the camera.

My mother gave me my first (is that legal?) back in 2003 or 2004. Since then I've had at the most, nine.

We used to name them. The first being Captain Bob.

The most memorable being Dahmer. He was a shit. Upon considering him for purchase, I asked to hold him (as I do with all of them to see how social they are). Immediately I got my first sucker punch when he pinched me.

"I'll take him."

And he was named Dahmer.

He went on to pinch a few others, including Miz Eye. All were forewarned.

I hadn't seen a crab die or go through their emergency phases where they stand around naked, almost looking delirious and obsene in the middle of the water dish.

Until I was about to marry one.

The Turd Van Blossom is a Cancer. And an avid stoner who cites depression as the cause. (Maybe this is true, I'm not him and wouldn't want to be since I don't understand most of his thought processes - like Let's Buy A House and then 3 months later - I'm Leaving! Let's Foreclose!) The Turd VB used to smoke a lot and eventually the crabs started doing the one crab naked dance. One by one...dying off. I lost about four of them out of nine, but still. Eventually I had to put the yellow tape around where Turd could have his fixes, and move the crabs to a smoke free area. Most of the time he was outside and the weather was angry, he had to hunch in front of a window in the bedroom, tap tapping his pipe on the window sill, leaving crap everywhere.

The Alpha Crab's presence killed off my little guys until the feng smoke shui issue was established.

Owning hermit crabs basically has the great potential to turn you into a crustacean geek. No one wants to hear your stories about Dahmer bullying and two claw spinning another crab to get to his shell. No one wants to hear about Dahmer climbing to the highest point he could in the tank and waving his little antennae around, proclaiming leadership. Or what they can eat, how they molt or what new toys you bought for them.

Or that I advocate having them because they don't stink, they are in comparison, low maitenance and their poops exist but barely.

It's possible that Dahmer died in during the Great Smoke Off. Either that or he mellowed out. I haven't seen any behaviors that indicate he is amongst my current half dozen. I should have allowed he and Turd to duke it out in netural territory. The flap of the butterfly wing on Mars, the pinch of Dahmer, the paths we take. Who knows if the house would exist in our name now.