What could possibly be so awesome that you are doing sitting home all the time that you don't have any inclination to see your insignificant other? Well there are a few answers here I'm sure you all have! They may have something to do with good computer virus protection, crocheting or abusing the letter Zzzzzzzzzz. Well I don't know exactly. But the events of this day have me on an Emotion Watch. That's just where you are waiting for the bus of emotions to come in that may be very different, although very appropriate to a certain situation. Right now I'm in Matter of Fact mode.
Matter of Fact, there was some bad buzzing this morning on the phone with Flip and he decided to be disrespectful, allowing himself to launch off the podium over and over again, speaking over me, in fact, not letting me speak at all. I remained quiet during his diatribes and then when I would speak, he kibashed it before it could leave zygote form. So eventually I broke it off. I've felt nearly no sadness all day although I know it's really just that Sadness hasn't gotten the memo yet. Sadness is off visiting a boyfriend this weekend and I'm being babysat by Flatliner. Nothing.
I don't enjoy hanging out with Flatliner, even though you think this may be a good thing. It only puts off the inevitable. That the tide of Sadness will pull back abnormally, like a tsunami and then come gushing out to destroy the unaware.
I've been brushing up on my studies of living with or being involved with a Narcissist. I personally think it is important to note that you really need to live with one in order to get the total bang for your buck on mental and emotional abuse. It's called Gaslighting. No one can see it, you can't prove it and it doesn't happen with others around. You don't even know what the fark is going on. You think you're the crazy one. They're so damn good at convincing you that it's you, it's always you. They can speak so logically, whipsmart on their feet, and you suddenly start experiencing a ton of self doubt where you never had any before. You think your IQ went from reasonable to a slow crawl of Duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh. It took me well over a year to even notice that possibly, this wasn't really my issue. That these things weren't actually true. The narcissist will work you over so well that you will doubt yourself immensely and believe that well, you must have said or done this or that or they wouldn't sound so sure about it. Until you actually give yourself the heads up and start really training yourself to watch your train of thought and memorize what comes out of your mouth. To keep a log of what was said and done. And then you realize...right there! Right there...there's the sleight of hand! But even that isn't enough proof.
It's been said that the person who falls in love with the narcissist has the same physiological and chemical bodily activity as a heroin addict. That's how strong it is. That many people who don't get out and eventually can't handle the World of Mental that this dynamic produces, will basically lose their mind and many commit suicide.
You would think that because I moved out, I'd had an immunity shot. Not so. I still tried beyond what I wanted to years ago with him. But tried because he had me convinced that I wasn't committed or dedicated and was nothing but a Runner. He won for a long time.
He hasn't tried to really spend time or effort on us in awhile. Not a whole lot of in persons for two people who live seven minutes apart. Not a whole lot of contact for two people who lived together. I expressed what I needed. It went duly noted but ignored anyway. As soon as he heard the words of break up today, he suddenly called me over and over. He suddenly could email. And suddenly I heard his car pull into my driveway, to which I locked the downstairs door, not giving him the chance to even get up the stairs to pound away at the door that was now the only thing that would physically separate us. I closed the windows and curtains as best as I could. He shouted up to me on the front lawn. Hey village! I know this is really public but watch me have the crazies in front of everyone! What he really said was something to the extent of WTF but I shouted down that he didn't want to talk to or see me before so forget it now.
He shouted and yelled and eventually went away. All day the blaming emails. The low blows, the comments of my love being phony. He's blown up my phone but I refuse to answer since as soon as he hears "hello" he will go off and not stop. When he's done, I still won't be able to speak. He's never enjoyed sharing the soapbox.
This is where it stands. Emotion Watch. And then should I not relapse again, the finding of pieces and rebuilding.
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