The Dark Side of A Projected Gemini Influence

It's a work day!  And I'm sitting on the porch, sun glaring off the screen, making it multi-functional.  I can see how my hair looks against it.  I took the day off since I knew I would be home late last night from my wonderful event in the city.  

I'm wondering if there was some sort of Gemini something in the astrological dice yesterday.  A duality.  I had what was a great time and one of the absolute worst times lately.  

The book I had ordered from the Strand had not yet arrived and the author event was upon me! So I called them and come to find out, they just hand me the book when I get there.  Whoo hoo!  I didn't know this well enough in advance so I had emailed Flip.  I remembered that I saw one of my books there, Door Wide Open by Joyce Johnson, still on a shelf.  I emailed him a simple email to ask if it was there and if he would please put it in his mailbox for me to pick up.  Did I use the word simple?  Yes, for me it was.  He couldn't answer simply.  He had to say that I had a few books there still and would I need a hazmat bag so that I don't catch his cooties.  We are 42, folks. Both of us.  Just saying.

I replied without any notice to the cooties.  Asked if he could put them in a bag and put them at the end of the driveway and that I had 2 small books of his that I could put in the mailbox or in the spot where he leaves my books.  He couldn't just give me a nice answer.  Instead he emailed with the same basic speech he's been sending me for over a month I think.  He's been going off every single day, whether I address it or not.  I've told him that I'm not doing this anymore.  What is he gaining by emailing me this stuff day after day?  It's more that he is forcing his perspective on me constantly, as if one day I'll say, "Huh.  You were right.  I do see it that way now.  I so DID 'fuck and chuck' you, just as you said I did!  Amazing!  Gee, I'm sorry."  

The back-story on that being that yes we had a physical reunion about a month ago, maybe longer, at my suggestion.  I've written about it.  His ex who appears only when I'm gone calling while I was on the phone with him and he trying to brush it under the rug, then telling me when I called him on it that they call each other in hard times.  Meanwhile, during my relationship with him, had I discussed our relationship with my exes, he would have flipped out and figured out a way to make me feel like I'd done wrong.  Three years of conditioning by him and he rewrites every rule he's inflicted on me.  If I were to rewrite it, I'd be effed.  If he does it, I'm still effed.  So whatever. 

So instead of doing this nice and easy, I receive emails that I am a pig.  That I don't deserve respect.  Are you tired of this? Do you think you've heard this before if you normally follow this blog?  Well you have.  Pretty much all the time.  Because he keeps going.  The batteries do not die with this one.

I'll be honest...I'm not with anyone.  I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not priming anyone to be my boyfriend and I'm not speaking with any dudes who could turn into one.  I don't even feel that I'd be ready to inflict myself on another person.  I need a little time to be normal again.  I had emailed him numerous times asking him where my books would be.  I didn't tell him that I had an event, I just figured I could ask for my things and since he isn't put out by driving them anywhere, he could handle the task.  Oh Gods of Assumption, why do I pray to thee?  He sent back all of my emails at this point writing simply 'Unread'.  So I put in the subject line, "books, end of driveway please".  I know even if he isn't opening them, he can't miss that.

I showed up...no books at the end of the driveway.  Sigh.  Drive down the long driveway and then I start beeping the horn. Eventually I get out to knock.  I can hear him before I can see him and hear the word 'obnoxious'.  Then he opens the door, his mouth already going, him telling me something like, "You look good.  Too bad....blah blah blah blah" (something along the lines of an insult) and I don't hear the rest.  I'm busy tossing his two neatly wrapped up books into his chest.  He is still going on.  It goes ugly.  FFFFFFuuuuuuugly.  And this time I am not proud that I've even stooped to looking the slightest bit annoyed.  I certainly acted it.  And it wasn't right. I was so fed up from all the accusatory emails, the name calling, the lack of respect and while I am still paying for his health insurance.  I am fed up for paying off his jeep, for paying for his trip to the wedding this summer, for running to his side if he needed me, while I was ignored much of the time.  Fed up for the years of repression, wild assumptions and mean things he has said to my daughter.  Fed up for every good intention being turned into a violation  or expectation.  I spit at him.  I did.  And I immediately hated myself for it.  Ugh. Why why why why. Why did I stoop to this?  I've been doing so good at not reacting to his crap.  He told me to get out and somehow all my books ended up on the ground.  I picked them up as he went inside. Somewhere in this he called me a whore.  Why, I am not sure.  Don't twelve year old boys do that when they aren't sure what it means, just that it's insulting?  Don't guys do that when you won't give them any?   Then I looked up to see him coming toward me and quickly put The Witching Hour out in front of me.  He came out to spit in my face.  But Anne Rice saved me with her big storybook.  He stormed back inside, leaving his dog bewildered and stuck outside alone.  I shouted twice that his dog was outside.  He didn't come out.  I left.  I saw him in my rear view mirror finally go out and get his dog.

I fumed all the way to my next stop.  I wished I had just chuckled his crap off.  But as I thought of how he needed to control the situation and make me go to his door for my books instead of having no contact as I'd asked for (it's easier and it sure would have avoided all of this).  I was mad at his need for control.  And my reaction to having to deal with it.  

I stopped at Starbucks on the way to my train and sat for a moment, composing.  I knew the right thing would be an apology - only for my behavior...no matter what HE did or said, I can only take care of things on my side of the fence.  By the Grace of God (because even God seems to have a limit as to how much energy can be used for this) I got his voicemail.  I spoke evenly, apologizing for my behavior but also saying why couldn't he have just put the things outside instead of needing to be controlling?  And that his mouth was going before he even opened the door.  And...that I don't even want to speak to him again.

I got a tall bold coffee with room, picked out some pomegranate vanilla cashews and a croissant and headed for the train. The rest of that story will be a different post.  I don't want to taint my trip with this nonsense.

He called my cell phone alone over 25 times.  He was calling it from 3pm until at least midnight. He figured out how to text from the computer and started texting me saying that I had major cleavage showing and making assumptions that I was seeing someone, even though I told him just yesterday morning that I wasn't.  Not that it was any of his business.  But he's the guy who will smear you all over creation and people will believe him.  His own therapist is duped in my opinion.  

Now somehow, he knew I wasn't home.  Nah, it's not that easy - I don't answer my phone or email him back when I AM home much of the time.  Something else was going on.  My hunch was that he was checking my driveway.  You have to go into my driveway to check it.  You can't necessarily see if I'm home by passing by.  He sounded so sure in his texts that he knew I wasn't home...that my daughter wasn't home on a school night.  He accused me of going out on a mother daughter date...of taking my daughter with me so I could go screw some guy (his words).  He claimed to have called the police on me and said that I could be arrested but that he chose not to press charges.  At one am, he attached a message to a statement about the insurance, saying not to cancel him just yet - he wanted to be tested for STDs now. The message attached to it saying that he could still have me arrested if he chose.  So he put an insurance statement in a sandwich with a possible arrest.  I have my own reasons for believing he didn't call the police and I won't divulge that here.  But it would be awfully surprising for him to want to be in touch with police.

STDs???  Can you get them from a toilet seat? The last person that I was with was him.  And unless he's taking home the trash, then he shouldn't have any worries.  He's just being insulting.

At one a.m., I heard a car pull into the driveway.  I had all my lights off thankfully, but for the Golden Girls.  Dorothy would kick ass, even dead I know she would.  I saw him view my car, turn around and leave.  He was stalking me, just as I knew he was.  Now how could he in the right frame of mind be doing this?  Over 25 cell phone calls to me?  How many went to my home number?  He called my mother three times while I was out.  She refuses to answer the phone for him.  We aren't even together and he is calling my mother late at night to harass her?

I emailed him right away and told him that if he ever stalks me again I will have him arrested.  

You have to realize, he has to blow into a breathalyzer to start his car.  His license is restricted.  I can probably have him arrested for violating his license privileges.  As well as stalking once I show phone records.  

This was someone that I cared about very much for so long.  Someone who is steadily declining.  I am trying desperately to get away from even speaking to him because we were not healthy together and something about him is provocative.  He provokes, goes on and on...accuses and takes out ads in the Superbowl with his fantastical assumptions.  I certainly don't hate him.  I need to get my own self healthy and not do it under the pressure of a split brain where one side is trying to reflect and heal while the other is shutting off ringers and deleting emails or defending my character.  The whole thing is really sad, embarrassing and at the same time very human.  I am hesitant to be this candid with my dirt but no one's life is perfect.  And this is my journey.  It's going uphill to steady from here.

Exit Stage Drama

I sit outside right now...possibly a Sunday ritual if sporadic events that are likely to happen on certain days can be a ritual.  The guinea pigs are on the lawn, enjoying what they can of the weather until it turns Evil for Guinea Pigs and gets cooler out.  My teenaged human is sitting across from me, adamant that she will sew the skirt that is ripped from here to the Alps.  I almost tried to take over but she really wanted to do it and I have that thought that I have nearly every single day - teach her so that she won't need you to do it.  Make her capable for the world, not needing to rely on others as much as is possible. 

I probably could trade in this mood for a better one.  Flip bombardments on email.  I finally said that I'm going to block him if he can't send something neutral to friendly.  It's just a bunch of attacks.  I was called a liar last night, today .... Blondzarelli.  Yes, it's true.  I'll wait while you finish laughing.  

But it's still name calling.  It's still what he used to flip out about so much...he'd freak out if there was any implication in the clouds or tea leaves that a name might be implied. Therapy, as mainly useless as it was, taught us, no names.  And so, I've done my best, no matter what temperature my blood goes to from his accusations and assumptions, his name calling, his taunting and weird mindedness, Not call him any names whatsoever.  Repeat:  even when it is happening to me.  Jesus = turn the other cheek and let him slap the other.  Buddha = compassion.  Thich Nat Hahn = Darling, you are not well.  I am here for you.  Tell me how I can help.

We're adults here, right?  You would think to yourself, well that's easy.  Until you're in traffic and someone cuts you off, right?  Well now imagine your are arguing with someone and they throw your kids into it.  Your kids are so (fill in the derogatory blank) because you made them that way.  Or No wonder your Kid so and so is such a (derogatory blank).  Now how do you answer this person?  Will these insults make you angry?  Or will you Zen your way through it and ride off on your unicorn?  Now imagine an argument with someone who is "helping" you raise this offensive child.  Hurts more than just anyone saying it.   Hurts on two counts...they are insulting your child and they are insulting you for creating such a rotten beast .  

Now ... new argument.  And out of nowhere you are being accused of things that came out of left field.  Then your spouse is suddenly telling you how great they were in bed with their former girlfriends and just go ask them.  He calls you the word....YIPES - THAT word...how does that make you feel? Will you go cry?  Fight back?  Punch him? Throw something?  Just leave?  What if the kid is asleep...will you just leave now?  What if he is following you around the house and you can get no peace.  Finally sleeping in your car, windows up, doors locked....now he's pounding on the window and telling you to get in the house and stop acting dramatic. So how hard is it to avoid name calling in these tasty and tempestuousness situations?  Grab yourself a a cone of Rocky Road and think about that. 

It's crazy making.  The brain will eventually fall into traps when its reality is tested over and over again.  How abducted people identify with their kidnappers.  How torture ends up brainwashing someone into admitting things that they never did to begin with.  I'd apologize for my part in Hiroshima even though I wasn't born yet, just to please get some peace....please stop screaming at me. Please stop storming through the house going on and on.  Please just stop keeping me up at night with your nonsense and when I tell you I need sleep for my job the next morning, you tell me that I think I'm better than you or more important because I have a job.  Please stop waking me up with your yelling after I've fallen asleep.  Yes, I'll apologize for anything to make it stop.  

I have gone very unladyish in my past dealings with Flip.  Mostly in the first year and a half.  Then I needed to change how I handled things.  I tried many things.  Eventually I settled on just being quiet altogether as much as I could stand in order to not have everything that I say held against me, twisted or pimped into something that I don't recognize in the least as being something that I would even entertain thinking.  

So after all this time, after all my restraint and trying to have compassion and trying to take the high road, it seems to do two things - make me grateful that I didn't freak out because it'd be more for him to ticket me on AND I just feel better not going there most importantly and two, makes my organs turn to ash inside because I am on fucking fire with how frustrating all of this is. 

And even through this character detonation I am getting, I leave him on my health insurance for whatever he needs.  I did give him a certain amount of time though and then it's done.  And while it's not about HaHa I can do you a favor, because I'm not getting a thing out of this except to be nice, it's about hey - have some respect for a person that doesn't have to help you any further but does, despite your constant slander and voice warm ups (Me me me me.....!)  Might I mention, health insurance is not free.  It is way affordable but I am paying at least $80 every two weeks because I have a plan that includes three of us.  

Wanna curb the Blonzarelli crap just a little?  Talk about ungrateful.  

A new bomb came today in the form of Spies.  He says that *Someone* told him that I talk to a lot of guys on Facebook.  I do have a steady handful that I comment with.  That being said, I have just as many females that are steady commentors as well.  It's called Conversation Among Adults.  I realize that insecure people might view every single member of the opposite sex as a potential Boogie Nights companion for me but the truth there is that I'm not with anyone.  I'm home with a kid, two cats and 2 guinea pigs at night.  I even got an email one morning asking me If I ever come home at night.  I don't have to come home -  I didn't go anywhere.  

I don't know what he bases his assumptions on (another thing he tears into me about if I were to do any of it, which I don't. I am well trained to watch my words) but he sounds like he's been swimming open mouthed in the kool-aid pool sometimes.

So as unfortunate as it is, I had to unfriend a couple pieces of the family.  I don't exactly know who would tell him such a thing about me having interaction with a bunch of guys because this is feeding the paranoia that he already has that they don't realize since they never lived with him.  I find the people that I unfriended to be otherwise, excellent, sweet people.  It's a shame.  But I also don't need to see any photos of him in their uploads either.  

My biggest problem is this:  Spying.  Even in living with him, he would go through my things and then email me at work about a potential *find* of some catastrophic wrong doing that was nothing.  He'd claim an old purse "fell over".  Or something was lying around.  I know that it wasn't.  He would just spy.  So now he has *spies* on Facebook.  Two of the main ones cut off from info supply tonight and I hated doing it.  But this is what happens I suppose.  I don't want drama and I don't usually, as a rule, air it out in status updates.  I made that mistake in the past.  

None of this is to say that I don't still, despite all of this apocalypse, still love him deeply or wish that things could be better.  Absolutely I do.  And it's the Higher Vision Robot that has taken over.  That keeps plowing forward and won't allow me to just stay with the comfort of what I know, just giving in to the time I've already put in with him and doing my best to keep us going, at the expense of who I fully am.  

Who Needs a Globe When You Have Paper

Whenever I get to interview someone that's been on NPR I feel pretty darn glowy.  When I get to interview someone that Terry Gross has interviewed, I feel like the Media Gods are handing me a gift.  Today on the radio show that I co-host with my good pal Jennifer, we interviewed Gretchen Reynolds, who not only was interviewed by Terry Gross twice, but is also a blogger for the NY Times.  I'm doubly intrigued!  So at some point I should go ahead and write up that blog for Scorpion Equinox...something that I've discovered I am terrible at keeping up with.  PR is totally not for me unless it was the only thing that I had to do.  Even eating would divert me from the task, so yes, the ONLY thing I could be assigned to. 

Dang.  I just dropped so many links it looks like the ticker tape parade just came through here.

And I just saw something stuck in my hair.  Popcorn.  White cheddar from Trader Joe's.  Holy sober sloberino.  I am out of all beer.  Porkslap, Blue Moons and Other.  A few were wasted when I saw a tiny bit of rust around the neck after the cap came off.  It wasn't until one night I employed the Eff It superpower and drank it anyway that I noted I'm here still.  Live and learn.  So I had this astrology vodka nip in the cabinet.  I drank the Scorpio one months ago.  All that was left was Pisces.  I originally picked it up for a friend who had to cancel.  She knows who she is.  I'm drinking your nip, Girlie!  Maybe I will feel more intuitive with the Pisces one.  I'm already a water sign so I may not notice the difference if there is one.  

So I have been receiving some leveled up angry emails from Flip.  I didn't think he could still be angry.  By now it has to be boring to be in a mono-emotive vibe for so long.  He is still going on with the Earth is Flat theory.  What that means to me, is that he started off with a misunderstanding two or three weeks ago.  I gave an explanation to clear up any misunderstandings that had to do with my feelings, motives or actions.  Hence, the world is not flat, the world is Round.  Now that you know the New information, you can base any thoughts, theories, questions and emotions off of this New information that completely negates the Old information.  Not so.  It makes too much sense.  Flip is disregarding the globes, the satellite photos, the high profile aliens with diagrams and proof shots.  The earth is still flat, it always was and whatever you say won't matter.  We will simply reset the computer date to before this conversation that cleared things up and will keep fighting the old fight built on false narratives. 

To me, the advice that I've heard regarding being the partner of a narcissist is really sort of against all that I believe.  They tell us to Run!!!  Run, they can't really be helped!  Or perhaps it is the rare person who can see outside of themselves and heal.  But think about it...a narcissist can not see anyone's point of view but their own.  They are never to blame.  You caused all of your woes AND theirs.  They seem to take Woes, change up the spelling and utilize it just as strongly...OWES.  You OWE them.  And they'll let you know it in no uncertain terms.  So when I hear the advice to simply Get Out before you're Got, it saddens me.  I want to believe that every situation is fixable.  But when you really think about it, how can it be most of the time?  And now this "monster" that you've invested so much into has to be thought of something poisonous and toxic in order to remove yourself and heal.  

Me personally....I'm going to need some time.  Maybe not years.  But some time.  I need to unravel the puppet strings of guilt, manipulation, shame, doubt so that I can start from the ground and build up again.  I feel hopeful so far and it's only been 2 1/2 weeks.  I have to admit that I'm fueled by every email he sends belittling me, calling me names and trying to insult me.  The untruths boil my blood but see Earth is Flat theory.  There's no helping that. All I can do is control me.  My replies will not stoop to these levels....and for some time have not.  I will admit feeling goaded and giving in at times to freezing the shit before smacking it back so I felt no splatter.  But in the last few weeks, I've done my best to avoid being sucked in.  Now I understand why it is advised with this type of personality to just cut it off completely and not speak with them.  

I've had more pleasant situations lately, one being that I stepped on a thumbtack with my bare foot yesterday.  And seeing that I walk like a descendant of Attila the Hun, my heel slammed down on it so hard that it was flat up against my heel.  I hopped over to hold on to a piece of furniture and then looked.  I wasn't in a hurry...I wasn't sure that I wanted to know what it was because it still had to come out.  It felt like it took extra long to pull it out but after my daughter's offer to do it for me, it was worth the agony.  That's ok hon, I don't need it being dragged out with your inexperienced fingers tugging and pulling it in 19 different directions on the way out.  You can just kiss me when I'm done washing the dirt off my feet from walking around barefoot, and then having a tack shove two layers of it straight into my bloodstream. 

Pisces vodka is done and now to toggle between Jon Stewart and Frasier.  Nighty night all!

My Name is Shades and I'm a Flipaholic

What could possibly be so awesome that you are doing sitting home all the time that you don't have any inclination to see your insignificant other?  Well there are a few answers here I'm sure you all have!  They may have something to do with good computer virus protection, crocheting or abusing the letter Zzzzzzzzzz.  Well I don't know exactly.  But the events of this day have me on an Emotion Watch.  That's just where you are waiting for the bus of emotions to come in that may be very different, although very appropriate to a certain situation. Right now I'm in Matter of Fact mode.  


Matter of Fact, there was some bad buzzing this morning on the phone with Flip and he decided to be disrespectful, allowing himself to launch off the podium over and over again, speaking over me, in fact, not letting me speak at all.  I remained quiet during his diatribes and then when I would speak, he kibashed it before it could leave zygote form.  So eventually I broke it off.  I've felt nearly no sadness all day although I know it's really just that Sadness hasn't gotten the memo yet.  Sadness is off visiting a boyfriend this weekend and I'm being babysat by Flatliner.  Nothing.  


I don't enjoy hanging out with Flatliner, even though you think this may be a good thing.  It only puts off the inevitable.  That the tide of Sadness will pull back abnormally, like a tsunami and then come gushing out to destroy the unaware.  


I've been brushing up on my studies of living with or being involved with a Narcissist.  I personally think it is important to note that you really need to live with one in order to get the total bang for your buck on mental and emotional abuse.  It's called Gaslighting.  No one can see it, you can't prove it and it doesn't happen with others around.  You don't even know what the fark is going on.  You think you're the crazy one.  They're so damn good at convincing you that it's you, it's always you. They can speak so logically, whipsmart on their feet, and you suddenly start experiencing a ton of self doubt where you never had any before.  You think your IQ went from reasonable to a slow crawl of Duuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh.  It took me well over a year to even notice that possibly, this wasn't really my issue.  That these things weren't actually true.  The narcissist will work you over so well that you will doubt yourself immensely and believe that well, you must have said or done this or that or they wouldn't sound so sure about it.  Until you actually give yourself the heads up and start really training yourself to watch your train of thought and memorize what comes out of your mouth.  To keep a log of what was said and done.  And then you realize...right there!  Right there...there's the sleight of hand!  But even that isn't enough proof.  


It's been said that the person who falls in love with the narcissist has the same physiological and chemical bodily activity as a heroin addict.  That's how strong it is.  That many people who don't get out and eventually can't handle the World of Mental that this dynamic produces, will basically lose their mind and many commit suicide.  


You would think that because I moved out, I'd had an immunity shot.  Not so.  I still tried beyond what I wanted to years ago with him.  But tried because he had me convinced that I wasn't committed or dedicated and was nothing but a Runner.  He won for a long time.  


He hasn't tried to really spend time or effort on us in awhile.  Not a whole lot of in persons for two people who live seven minutes apart.  Not a whole lot of contact for two people who lived together.  I expressed what I needed.  It went duly noted but ignored anyway.  As soon as he heard the words of break up today, he suddenly called me over and over.  He suddenly could email. And suddenly I heard his car pull into my driveway, to which I locked the downstairs door, not giving him the chance to even get up the stairs to pound away at the door that was now the  only thing that would physically separate us.  I closed the windows and curtains as best as I could.  He shouted up to me on the front lawn.  Hey village!  I know this is really public but watch me have the crazies in front of everyone!  What he really said was something to the extent of WTF but I shouted down that he didn't want to talk to or see me before so forget it now.  


He shouted and yelled and eventually went away.  All day the blaming emails.  The low blows, the comments of my love being phony.  He's blown up my phone but I refuse to answer since as soon as he hears "hello" he will go off and not stop.  When he's done, I still won't be able to speak.  He's never enjoyed sharing the soapbox.


This is where it stands.  Emotion Watch.  And then should I not relapse again, the finding of pieces and rebuilding.