I sit outside right now...possibly a Sunday ritual if sporadic events that are likely to happen on certain days can be a ritual. The guinea pigs are on the lawn, enjoying what they can of the weather until it turns Evil for Guinea Pigs and gets cooler out. My teenaged human is sitting across from me, adamant that she will sew the skirt that is ripped from here to the Alps. I almost tried to take over but she really wanted to do it and I have that thought that I have nearly every single day - teach her so that she won't need you to do it. Make her capable for the world, not needing to rely on others as much as is possible.
I probably could trade in this mood for a better one. Flip bombardments on email. I finally said that I'm going to block him if he can't send something neutral to friendly. It's just a bunch of attacks. I was called a liar last night, today .... Blondzarelli. Yes, it's true. I'll wait while you finish laughing.
But it's still name calling. It's still what he used to flip out about so much...he'd freak out if there was any implication in the clouds or tea leaves that a name might be implied. Therapy, as mainly useless as it was, taught us, no names. And so, I've done my best, no matter what temperature my blood goes to from his accusations and assumptions, his name calling, his taunting and weird mindedness, Not call him any names whatsoever. Repeat: even when it is happening to me. Jesus = turn the other cheek and let him slap the other. Buddha = compassion. Thich Nat Hahn = Darling, you are not well. I am here for you. Tell me how I can help.
We're adults here, right? You would think to yourself, well that's easy. Until you're in traffic and someone cuts you off, right? Well now imagine your are arguing with someone and they throw your kids into it. Your kids are so (fill in the derogatory blank) because you made them that way. Or No wonder your Kid so and so is such a (derogatory blank). Now how do you answer this person? Will these insults make you angry? Or will you Zen your way through it and ride off on your unicorn? Now imagine an argument with someone who is "helping" you raise this offensive child. Hurts more than just anyone saying it. Hurts on two counts...they are insulting your child and they are insulting you for creating such a rotten beast .
Now ... new argument. And out of nowhere you are being accused of things that came out of left field. Then your spouse is suddenly telling you how great they were in bed with their former girlfriends and just go ask them. He calls you the word....YIPES - THAT word...how does that make you feel? Will you go cry? Fight back? Punch him? Throw something? Just leave? What if the kid is asleep...will you just leave now? What if he is following you around the house and you can get no peace. Finally sleeping in your car, windows up, doors locked....now he's pounding on the window and telling you to get in the house and stop acting dramatic. So how hard is it to avoid name calling in these tasty and tempestuousness situations? Grab yourself a a cone of Rocky Road and think about that.
It's crazy making. The brain will eventually fall into traps when its reality is tested over and over again. How abducted people identify with their kidnappers. How torture ends up brainwashing someone into admitting things that they never did to begin with. I'd apologize for my part in Hiroshima even though I wasn't born yet, just to please get some peace....please stop screaming at me. Please stop storming through the house going on and on. Please just stop keeping me up at night with your nonsense and when I tell you I need sleep for my job the next morning, you tell me that I think I'm better than you or more important because I have a job. Please stop waking me up with your yelling after I've fallen asleep. Yes, I'll apologize for anything to make it stop.
I have gone very unladyish in my past dealings with Flip. Mostly in the first year and a half. Then I needed to change how I handled things. I tried many things. Eventually I settled on just being quiet altogether as much as I could stand in order to not have everything that I say held against me, twisted or pimped into something that I don't recognize in the least as being something that I would even entertain thinking.
So after all this time, after all my restraint and trying to have compassion and trying to take the high road, it seems to do two things - make me grateful that I didn't freak out because it'd be more for him to ticket me on AND I just feel better not going there most importantly and two, makes my organs turn to ash inside because I am on fucking fire with how frustrating all of this is.
And even through this character detonation I am getting, I leave him on my health insurance for whatever he needs. I did give him a certain amount of time though and then it's done. And while it's not about HaHa I can do you a favor, because I'm not getting a thing out of this except to be nice, it's about hey - have some respect for a person that doesn't have to help you any further but does, despite your constant slander and voice warm ups (Me me me me.....!) Might I mention, health insurance is not free. It is way affordable but I am paying at least $80 every two weeks because I have a plan that includes three of us.
Wanna curb the Blonzarelli crap just a little? Talk about ungrateful.
A new bomb came today in the form of Spies. He says that *Someone* told him that I talk to a lot of guys on Facebook. I do have a steady handful that I comment with. That being said, I have just as many females that are steady commentors as well. It's called Conversation Among Adults. I realize that insecure people might view every single member of the opposite sex as a potential Boogie Nights companion for me but the truth there is that I'm not with anyone. I'm home with a kid, two cats and 2 guinea pigs at night. I even got an email one morning asking me If I ever come home at night. I don't have to come home - I didn't go anywhere.
I don't know what he bases his assumptions on (another thing he tears into me about if I were to do any of it, which I don't. I am well trained to watch my words) but he sounds like he's been swimming open mouthed in the kool-aid pool sometimes.
So as unfortunate as it is, I had to unfriend a couple pieces of the family. I don't exactly know who would tell him such a thing about me having interaction with a bunch of guys because this is feeding the paranoia that he already has that they don't realize since they never lived with him. I find the people that I unfriended to be otherwise, excellent, sweet people. It's a shame. But I also don't need to see any photos of him in their uploads either.
My biggest problem is this: Spying. Even in living with him, he would go through my things and then email me at work about a potential *find* of some catastrophic wrong doing that was nothing. He'd claim an old purse "fell over". Or something was lying around. I know that it wasn't. He would just spy. So now he has *spies* on Facebook. Two of the main ones cut off from info supply tonight and I hated doing it. But this is what happens I suppose. I don't want drama and I don't usually, as a rule, air it out in status updates. I made that mistake in the past.
None of this is to say that I don't still, despite all of this apocalypse, still love him deeply or wish that things could be better. Absolutely I do. And it's the Higher Vision Robot that has taken over. That keeps plowing forward and won't allow me to just stay with the comfort of what I know, just giving in to the time I've already put in with him and doing my best to keep us going, at the expense of who I fully am.
So after all this time, after all my restraint and trying to have compassion and trying to take the high road, it seems to do two things - make me grateful that I didn't freak out because it'd be more for him to ticket me on AND I just feel better not going there most importantly and two, makes my organs turn to ash inside because I am on fucking fire with how frustrating all of this is.
And even through this character detonation I am getting, I leave him on my health insurance for whatever he needs. I did give him a certain amount of time though and then it's done. And while it's not about HaHa I can do you a favor, because I'm not getting a thing out of this except to be nice, it's about hey - have some respect for a person that doesn't have to help you any further but does, despite your constant slander and voice warm ups (Me me me me.....!) Might I mention, health insurance is not free. It is way affordable but I am paying at least $80 every two weeks because I have a plan that includes three of us.
Wanna curb the Blonzarelli crap just a little? Talk about ungrateful.
A new bomb came today in the form of Spies. He says that *Someone* told him that I talk to a lot of guys on Facebook. I do have a steady handful that I comment with. That being said, I have just as many females that are steady commentors as well. It's called Conversation Among Adults. I realize that insecure people might view every single member of the opposite sex as a potential Boogie Nights companion for me but the truth there is that I'm not with anyone. I'm home with a kid, two cats and 2 guinea pigs at night. I even got an email one morning asking me If I ever come home at night. I don't have to come home - I didn't go anywhere.
I don't know what he bases his assumptions on (another thing he tears into me about if I were to do any of it, which I don't. I am well trained to watch my words) but he sounds like he's been swimming open mouthed in the kool-aid pool sometimes.
So as unfortunate as it is, I had to unfriend a couple pieces of the family. I don't exactly know who would tell him such a thing about me having interaction with a bunch of guys because this is feeding the paranoia that he already has that they don't realize since they never lived with him. I find the people that I unfriended to be otherwise, excellent, sweet people. It's a shame. But I also don't need to see any photos of him in their uploads either.
My biggest problem is this: Spying. Even in living with him, he would go through my things and then email me at work about a potential *find* of some catastrophic wrong doing that was nothing. He'd claim an old purse "fell over". Or something was lying around. I know that it wasn't. He would just spy. So now he has *spies* on Facebook. Two of the main ones cut off from info supply tonight and I hated doing it. But this is what happens I suppose. I don't want drama and I don't usually, as a rule, air it out in status updates. I made that mistake in the past.
None of this is to say that I don't still, despite all of this apocalypse, still love him deeply or wish that things could be better. Absolutely I do. And it's the Higher Vision Robot that has taken over. That keeps plowing forward and won't allow me to just stay with the comfort of what I know, just giving in to the time I've already put in with him and doing my best to keep us going, at the expense of who I fully am.
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