What I love sometimes about writing these nighttime posts is that I have to sign out of the Gmail that I use to get to this account.  That means I won't be checking email.  Flip has got a multi-level magazine for loading and shooting out email after email.  And I only know that he is writing different ones because the wording is slightly different in some and then there is the time stamp. 

I sort of feel bad for him.  I always thought that he was touched with that salesman persona.  This worked in my favor when we had problems with Comcast or there was a customer service issue.  He always got his way and then some by the time he was done with someone.  But when he uses this same talent in an argument, it's rough on the person being sold their list of Deeds.  Sold?  Sorry, take out the magazine again.  Or cleats will do.  Take that list, crumple it up, impale it on a dirty shoe with cleats and get beaten with it for days.  And as I've said many many times, eventually torture works.  I have apologized many times for things that I didn't do (in the beginning) just to make it stop and get my Wire Monkey back.  I'd rather have had the affection at some point, even if it was a little, than none at all.  He used to withhold affection for an extended period of time during these fights.  Or even after apologies.  He would make me break a psychological sweat for it. 

He saw me sitting at a traffic light...he was going in the opposite direction.  I was first in line at the red light so I gave a half-hearted smile and wave.  I felt the air slow down...I saw his car slow down to what peripherally seemed like a crawl as he intently looked at me.  I spent a second looking at him....I don't enjoy being the center of attention when the light finally pops green.

***
Well for all of my nighttime love of blogging, I get pooped.  Especially if I don't have the icy colds with me.  So I tried writing the beginning of this post two nights in a row.  It's morning now and in between abusing my power and lording over the tiny kitten in order to keep her from constantly jumping up on the curtains, I am making mac & cheese (don't get excited...it's from a box) for Humanling's lunch tomorrow.  I do this now because I'm OUTTA here tonight, going to NYC.  

Bigger kitty just served little kitty all over the house after my last, "No!  Get down from there!".  I truly think she understands what I don't want little kitty to do and jumps in as my wingman so that I can continue to do those human tasks, like open cans of cat food.

So back to the story from the other day, I went home and fully expected to see an email from Flip because now there had been a public Even Though We Aren't Together sighting.  And I thought maybe there would be some commentary to go with the leering in traffic.  Sure enough....emails saying that it is clear by the look that I gave him that I don't love him, etc.  Hey, no offense but no one wants to be the unaware turd at the front of the red light line.  

He then said that he could drop off more mail that had arrived for me.  Huh.  The day before I had to go get my mail since he offered to bring it and then took it back after doing a Brady Girl on me, "Something suddenly came up".    

I told him he could put it in my mailbox since I was on my way back out.  Of course as soon as I get downstairs to leave for the track, sun lowering, making time all that much more precious, he is right there.  I think he's an evil hologram that fell off a piece of film and is lost, looking for his movie.  When I turned around he was Right There.  You could have drawn a chalk outline as to where he should be for maximum startling and he'd have been snuggly within it.  

Got my mail.  Then started to leave.  Then he had to question.  Suddenly it was every email he has sent me within the last month in a half starting all over again, as if the case in person was now going to convince me that his views were my views.  I decided that I needed to go and not stand there getting into this all over again.  I can't imagine during the last three years how close (seriously) I have put myself at risk for stroke during fights with him.  I damaged my eyesight during one fight because the yelling was top notch on both sides.  I couldn't see right for about an hour after that.  This is a big part of why I left...unhealthiness.  

As I walked away I heard him tell me again that I don't deserve respect from him.   My Ego could be in the middle of a massage from Brad Pitt and it would stand up and take notice of this statement.  I am so insulted by this.  I've done so much for him.  More than I've done for anyone else.  And I think that's how he gets it from me...he challenged me by having me believe that I wasn't committed enough or wasn't doing enough or trying hard enough.  So I committed more, stayed longer than I should have and tried beyond belief when it was clear to me how damaging the whole thing really was. 

The morning after the amended list of insults by email (there are always more emails....except for today so far...wonder if his Comcast has been shut off), he asks me how he can take advantage of a program on my insurance.  Seriously, I don't deserve respect from you and you want me to help you with something?  

I waver....not with him.  I'm done wavering with him and have been for awhile.  I wanted to leave this relationship a long time ago but kept in it due to a lot of pressure from him and due to me thinking that maybe this was where I should be and that I just needed to try harder.  I think if there is an argument brewing every week or two and they last for days, taking up a week or so every month, then no, for me it's not going to be ok.

Big Sigh.  

Onward. It's a new day and I have to get outside and change a brake light.  It's my first time.  I love google.  

Then later on off to NYC to the Strand to see Joyce Johnson.  Yeah!!!  My book has not yet arrived in the mail though (big boo of a bummer) but I do have another book by her and one with her in it so I'll bring an alternative to have signed if I can.