I'm rockin' the Guilt today. For a few things. I figure if I'm going to feel bad about one thing, might as well invite the rest to show up so that I can just absorb it all at once. Like taking accelerated courses. It just gets you past the fact that much faster. But first things first...some purple chapstick and maybe a small glass of bourbon. AND to make note of the amazing scenery in AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.
Ok it's about ten minutes later and I didn't do anything except put on chapstick. How the heck can I write the blues without any booze?
After a week long "fight" with FLIP that really was an ongoing sort of fight after he closed his eyes and basically pinned the tail on the Bad Option of getting me back for some imagined slight, he decided it was time to get the dregs of my stuff (approximately one car load) out of his house. I noted that it would include the Best Cat Ever, Azrael, who I've had for 8 years. I'm sure it is no surprise that there isn't a strand of thought about this that was pleasant. Getting the rest of my dregs was like the equivalent of vacuuming up every corner of his house to be sure that nothing of me exists there at all.
The worst of it was to open the cat carrier door. Azrael loves both me and FLIP. She readily stepped into it to check it out since she has a ton of trust. I then put her outside in it for air as I got the last of the things that I could fit into my car.
At the old place, she was able to come and go as she pleased. The scents of every season, beautiful spring and summer days...it was all hers to wander around. The yard was expansive and far away from the road. She was great about boundaries and protected her property. She comes when you call her. She became quite the athlete, racing up a thick tree just to stop mid-way and look at you to be sure that you were taking in her prowess.
Now she is back in an apartment. All she can do is look out the window but not go anywhere. I feel like I've jailed her. She was friends with his dog and now she has only guinea pigs who will simply stare at her and hope that she will give them some munchies.
Her response here has been good thus far, but I'm not sure that she really knows yet that she isn't going outside. If FLIP and I were still somewhat together or friendly, I could allow her to go over there some days to enjoy what she enjoys.
The other guilt is regarding FLIP. I hate doing this to him. He has crossed so many lines, including knocking on my door at 11:38pm the other night, waking up my daughter. He has hurt me with so much disrespect during this relationship that rationally, I should be able to forgive. But there are just too many deep seated emotional stab wounds. He doesn't apologize for much. He turns it around instead so that I'm the one who has to apologize. So while I understand how unhealthy this relationship really was, I still feel bad. I guess that's just one of those things I inherited from my mom. He's called me every name in the book, he's told me during moments of heated exchange about how great sex was with his ex, about how even certain people were much better than me. But when sober of anger, he insists this was all just to upset me. This is just one thing of so many. So I know the decision is a good one....and yet, while he is feeling upset that I left and won't apologize, I am feeling bad for all of it. He does not see himself or the vengeful tendencies that he has. Instead he parrots what I say to him. For instance, "FLIP, you are acting like a total doo doo head!". Then he would say to me "YOU are acting like a total doo doo head!" And there you have a good amount of what is being said, just insert whatever adjective and it'll work.
Man, I hate Malfoy's dad. He is such an evil, pompous ass.
The only other guilt is my not hiding the chocolate well enough. It appears that my girl ate a bunch of it while I was not looking today. That explains a lot.
Oh I hate this part....Gary Oldman's character dies. Can't Harry have anything? Sheesh!
On a bright note, I finally went out and had a fabulous time with an old friend today. Time ticked at an advanced speed. We shared drinks and appetizers and company. Sometimes that's all you need. That hug of an old friend that reminds you of how much space apart does not matter. Just time together.
Even Harry Potter won out in the end of this one as he said to Voldemort...."You're the weak one. And you'll never know love,or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."
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