Beer and baseball highlights. I say that like I'm such the game watcher. Truth be told, I was watching Freaks and Geeks all night with my wee one, while playing Monopoly.
It was hotter than a Fother Mucker today. The animals put on their expression of "suffering" and I did a small rain dance of non-exertion in my head. Eventually, a storm came through and the people marvelled and put up their photos of my storm on Facebook.
Know what I love? When I go to therapy and say all the perfect stuff, as if I walk around life doing that. It's that couch. The darnest, most smartest and sane crap comes out as if a string shows up on my back. I said things in a way that if I could just hang on to it long enough to word to Flip, I'd make sense. To me. He doesn't care to listen to my voice or read my font for what it is. It's all just held against me later. Look, if you're not gonna hold your body against me, don't do it with my words either.
I hate to say this because I'm aware how it makes me sound but no amount of being sober, AA meetings multiple nights, if not all nights, a week or depression meds are going to change his personality and path of thinking. I have to hire someone to keep watch on my words. I never know what's going to hit him wrong and start the newest branch on the Tree of Offense.
Wait, newsflash. I put on the Yankees/Angels game and that ain't no CJ Wilson pitching!!!! Time to turn the channel.
Back to the shit. I'm tired of everything I say being held against me like a brand new layer of the old fight. I could recite the alphabet and once I got to F, I'd be accused of using a secret code for telling him to Fuck Off. Just can't win sometimes. Unless you walk away. It FEELS like you aren't winning but really, Charlie Sheen is right beside you.
This beer mug is so damn heavy that every time I drink, my stomach muscles tighten like they do when you lift something heavy. So my having this beer is really good for my abs. They don't tell you that on Fitness.com.
It was one of those work from home days where it got sweltering hot in here. So I decided to roast beets, cook black beans on the stove and make mac and cheese for the kid. Not homemade...it was gluten free and boxed. And delish. I took enough bites to threaten her getting any at all.
For the most part, I guess I have to say that I told Flip in an email that we should just unfortunately, cap this now. I mean it has been, but it's been with a small glimmer of hope I guess. I'm not sure why. I know absolutely that it won't work, that I would never be happy and lost myself in this whole thing years ago. He's really a good person (we all say that don't we...but everyone is a good person somewhere inside in varying degrees). I just happen to think that I've been undone and re-trained, which happens to an extent in any relationship....but this was drastic.
I have to sturdy myself for the path ahead and do it because there is no choice but to enjoy what it offers. What's the alternative and why would it do any good?
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