He Ain't Heavy, He's Now my Brother

Another treat from the ABC Family channel.  Home of the bi-monthly Harry Potter marathon!  I am taking a break all those moments full of Must Do's in order to just sit and write for a bit.  The last week has procured a rather savagely close bond with one of my little guinea pigs.  I put Kyyo in his kiddie pool to wander around and enough being naughtily cage-less and found blood in his urine.  Triply eek with burnt mushrooms throughout.  (I hate any kind of mushrooms. Burnt just ruins it for the rest of you.)  

Flashback: Sick guinea pig with a UTI at least four and a half years ago....$800 at the vet but he did recover from that incident.  Ricci passed and I felt the need to get another Pig of Guinea.  When I saw my rescued boy, I decided to adopt two of them.   I learned immediately that they hated each other and two cages would be what I'd be cleaning out once a week for the last 3.5 years thus far.  These piggies were dumped off by a river in the month of January, I am told.  They, and a bunch of other small animals that had been rescued.  

So imagine the familiar blood in urine and immediately my bank account started to shrink.  Prescribed for now are doses of Baytril, which are in injection form.  Something that I have Zay-ro experience in.  I've now entered the world of dosing up a guinea pig.  It sorta sucks but if I can do it really fast I don't hear him squeal.  Either that or he's exhausted from the pain so he forgets.  

Today I went to put the cap back on the needle immediately after injection and the (yes, I'm going to swear now) FUCKING THING WENT THROUGH THE CAP AND PRICKED MY FINGER!  I felt sort of like Lucy in the Peanuts comic strip...."Argh!  Dog germs!"  Kyyo took the express train straight back to his cage and I pushed all the blood out that I could under running water.  The whole time wondering, is this bad?  It really was the teensiest pin prick.  But to me it held the possibility of transferring an underworld of bizarreness into my body.  Will I now have a UTI?  Will I wriggle my nose more?  Develop whiskers in an unfortunate spot, such as my ass?

Today is Sunday of course. Which means everything important on the other end of the phone is going to be answered by a service who will find me the On Call savior.  Each vet told me to call my medical doctor.  The medical doctor told me to call the vet.  The farmer takes a wife, the farmer takes a wife, Hi Ho the Dario the farmer takes a wife.  I explained to both parties that I need to talk to both.  The vets know stuff about the guinea pig and meds that the people doctor would lose in a round of Jeopardy. One answering service demanded my credit card number so that I may graciously be charged $30 before allowing me to give my phone number to hot potato on.  I understand doctors needing to be paid but I have never heard of charging someone over the phone for these services.  I told the woman that no one else would be charging me today so why is she?  Meanwhile, my anxiety level was challenging any firework to soar higher than it.

I remembered my old piggie, Ricci and the vet he'd gone to years ago.  How they treated him like I wasn't even in the room.  They spoke to him as if he was truly special to them.  As a last resort, I called them.  A kind woman named Dr. Lamb (seriously!  How can you be a jerk with that name?  It's impossible.) called me back finally.  Her voice was filled with Sunday picnics, gentle waves of the ocean and a sterile petri dish.  She said that she'd pricked her own fingers with worse and that part would be fine.  Also that his skin has basically the same bacteria as mine and I would be fine.  And for those who think that I am a hypochondriac (because I have been accused), the doc says that I did exactly what I should have in cleaning it out.   Although I always wanted to be a vampire, Kyyo and I now have a bond.  I guess I get to be part defenseless guinea pig.  Not what I was striving for but it happened all in the name of dedication to make him better.  Tonight I'll be keeping my eyes totally on that needle when I put the cap back on.  

He's hardly been eating as well, so I've been bribing him with desperate highly coveted cavy items.  Lots of red leaf lettuce and fresh grass outside.  And really, these creatures in cages depend on us humans for everything.  Once we agree to take them on, we need to remember that every single comfort comes from us.  So in not knowing whether or not poor piggie is going to make it, I've been trying to punch my lazy streak in the nads and take him and his buddy outside to just enjoy the fresh air and eat as much lawn buffet as they can handle.  It means a lot to me that if anything happens to him, his days held some enjoyment besides sitting in a cage.

Speaking of cage-ed ones, I must retrieve my buddy and give him tonight's dose of Baytril.  I promise to turn my head away from Remus Lupin and Severus Snape as I do so.

I'll Argue With You When I'm Done Picking on Your Sentence Structure

It was the right moment to start writing.  And suddenly, my wireless took a bathroom break.  With each growing set of 10 seconds, my panic would escalate.  Then the trump that will forever trip any ace, the outlet was bare.  The cord was pulled out somehow.  

And to further show where my IQ barometer is tonight, I put on the Kardashians.  I may have seen exactly one episode, last year when I was trapped in Chicago for five days.  My verdict....Wow. Reality shows ... can you do one that leaves a person morally intact?

I started writing this tonight about an hour ago.  Once again the WiFi went out.  However, I had to switch the plugs this time (apparently the holes are too loose..tee hee...too much use I guess!).  I enjoyed multiple games of non-internet dependent Solitaire.  

So anything that I probably wanted to say tonight is going to be shy now...it does not produce on cue.  

I did wake up yesterday morning with a feeling that is not often with me.  I simply felt lonely.  I have the best of company with my girl here.   But I woke up remembering what weekend mornings used to be like.  Full of skin, passion and slow savoring.  Then we'd get out of bed and everything would suck.  I remember this well and know that while sometimes I'd love to believe that chemical compatibility is above all, the defining factor of coupledom.  But this Scorpio has just been served  a biblical portion of a lesson.  It just ain't so.  And when I think of what I am possibly missing, I remember the things said to me in just the past week.  Or that FLIP crosses lines and finds his need to storm over here (or when I was living with him as well) into my daughter's space and blatantly wake her up with his need to hand it to me.  It's one of the most wrong things I've ever encountered.  And the sad realization affirming what I've known since month #2.....I was in something that I shouldn't be.

I told myself yesterday that instead of sinking into this batch of lonely, that I also would not pretend it wasn't there.  I would just let it happen as it needed to.  The self-permission alone was more than half of what I needed.  

So I made a great batch of kale chips and watched whatever Harry Potter so that I could enjoy Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman....and whoever that dude is who plays Professor Lupin.  

I drank with neighbors and watched my 29 year old neighbor's 20 or 21 year old girlfriend become what appeared to be insecure...needing a lot of reassurance from him.  And he happily obliged.  But I didn't get it. Was it me?  I'm twice her age.  Maybe I misread the entire thing.

Today I enjoyed rubbing my eyelids.  There is something about rubbing my eyelids where I can feel my fingertips on my eyeball, that feels sooooo nice.  I enjoyed it moreso from home where I can keep my hands cleaner.  

I went through word and meaning battle with FLIP today. But that's normal. It took about 5 emails back and forth for him to seem to understand that I was asking him not to send emails to my job that detail his paranoia of me using him as a 'fuck toy'.  He really does sometmes make me wonder where he rates on a scale of narcissism.  I recall the beginning of our relationship...one of those early fights where he screamed why am I with him...and then offered me an answer.   was it because he is good looking?  If I had a hard on at that point, it would have died.  I have no place for narcissists.  

And now with all the WiFi interruptions and bourbon and need to give myself a foot massage, I bid you all a night of blessings.

And a Dash of Guilt!

I don't know why I attempt to write while there is a movie on that I love.  That movie would be AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.  Right now is the one with that loser Dorothy Umbridge.  Man I hate her and wish I could envelope her in a room with a bunch of guy farts the morning after a baseball game and a stag.  

I'm rockin' the Guilt today. For a few things.  I figure if I'm going to feel bad about one thing, might as well invite the rest to show up so that I can just absorb it all at once.  Like taking accelerated courses.  It just gets you past the fact that much faster.  But first things first...some purple chapstick and maybe a small glass of bourbon.  AND to make note of the amazing scenery in AllOfTheHarryPotter movies.  

Ok it's about ten minutes later and I didn't do anything except put on chapstick.  How the heck can I write the blues without any booze?  

After a week long "fight" with FLIP that really was an ongoing sort of fight after he closed his eyes and basically pinned the tail on the Bad Option of getting me back for some imagined slight, he decided it was time to get the dregs of my stuff (approximately one car load) out of his house.  I noted that it would include the Best Cat Ever, Azrael, who I've had for 8 years.  I'm sure it is no surprise that there isn't a strand of thought about this that was pleasant.  Getting the rest of my dregs was like the equivalent of vacuuming up every corner of his house to be sure that nothing of me exists there at all.  

The worst of it was to open the cat carrier door.  Azrael loves both me and FLIP.  She readily stepped into it to check it out since she has a ton of trust.  I then put her outside in it for air as I got the last of the things that I could fit into my car.  

At the old place, she was able to come and go as she pleased.  The scents of every season,  beautiful spring and summer days...it was all hers to wander around.  The yard was expansive and far away from the road.  She was great about boundaries and protected her property.  She comes when you call her.  She became quite the athlete, racing up a thick tree just to stop mid-way and look at you to be sure that you were taking in her prowess.  

Now she is back in an apartment.  All she can do is look out the window but not go anywhere.   I feel like I've jailed her.  She was friends with his dog and now she has only guinea pigs who will simply stare at her and hope that she will give them some munchies.

Her response here has been good thus far, but I'm not sure that she really knows yet that she isn't going outside.  If FLIP and I were still somewhat together or friendly, I could allow her to go over there some days to enjoy what she enjoys.

The other guilt is regarding FLIP.  I hate doing this to him.  He has crossed so many lines, including knocking on my door at 11:38pm the other night, waking up my daughter.  He has hurt me with so much disrespect during this relationship that rationally, I should be able to forgive.  But there are just too many deep seated emotional stab wounds.  He doesn't apologize for much.  He turns it around instead so that I'm the one who has to apologize.  So while I understand how unhealthy this relationship really was, I still feel bad.  I guess that's just one of those things I inherited from my mom.  He's called me every name in the book, he's told me during moments of heated exchange about how great sex was with his ex, about how even certain people were much better than me.  But when sober of anger, he insists this was all just to upset me.  This is just one thing of so many.  So I know the decision is a good one....and yet, while he is feeling upset that I left and won't apologize, I am feeling bad for all of it.  He does not see himself or the vengeful tendencies that he has.  Instead he parrots what I say to him.  For instance, "FLIP, you are acting like a total doo doo head!".  Then he would say to me "YOU are acting like a total doo doo head!"  And there you have a good amount of what is being said, just insert whatever adjective and it'll work.

Man, I hate Malfoy's dad.  He is such an evil, pompous ass.

The only other guilt is my not hiding the chocolate well enough.  It appears that my girl ate a bunch of it while I was not looking today.  That explains a lot.

Oh I hate this part....Gary Oldman's character dies.  Can't Harry have anything?  Sheesh!

On a bright note, I finally went out and had a fabulous time with an old friend today.  Time ticked at an advanced speed.  We shared drinks and appetizers and company.  Sometimes that's all you need.  That hug of an old friend that reminds you of how much space apart does not matter.  Just time together.

Even Harry Potter won out in the end of this one as he said to Voldemort...."You're the weak one. And you'll never know love,or friendship. And I feel sorry for you."

Pick Up The Phone, I'm Not Done Harrassing You

This blog starts out with a commercial about Harry Potter legos.  Interesting.  They all have Cesar hair-do's, those lego folk.  I so could not have a lego set made about me if that's how it's going to be.

I'm back and forthing between Harry Potter & The Chamber of Secrets (maybe.  Maybe it's another one and I just don't feel like hitting the Info button to really research my facts) and the Phillies/Cubs game.  Last that I looked, the Phillies were making me proud to own their pitching staff on my fantasy teams.  I have four of them.  I horde things sometimes, including fantasy teams.  They aren't the staff for all four teams though.

Today has been quite the built up to the crescendo that was the phone call that I just had.  Flip is of course, persistent. I may not have used it as a label but I may have *mentioned* that here or there in these posts.  He sent me three nasty emails last night.  They went unopened and unanswered.  I am not in control of him, however, I am in control of me.  Today he stopped by my house when I was not yet home and dropped off my mail.  I have a feeling that he may have thought I'd be home by then.  I was dilly dallying though, unbeknownst, with a traipse through Trader Joe's (that store is the BOMB!) and possibly being trailed by a man carrying one single carton of eggs.  Then I mosied over to Starbucks for a nice cup o'Real coffee and a couple of indulgent raspberry chocolate cake pops.  Did I mention that I was trying to improve my cholesterol?  Studies say the whole idea we've been living on is bunk.  Back to the drawing board, they say.  So a cake pop for me.  And one for my special girl at home.  Some parents bring home big special treats, like toys or stuffed animals.  I bring home the cake pop. She stuffed the whole thing in her mouth at once as I was simultaneously saying "NODON'TPUTTHEWHOLETHING....awwwwwwwwwww".

So he emailed me tonight and I had a couple of things to say back and it wasn't much and it wasn't mean, just how I felt.  In a respectful, loving relationship, these things shouldn't happen.  I should not have spent three years morphing into a person who had no real decisional freedom.  

Whatever I wrote, and it wasn't anything with daggers, incensed him.  He called.  He called long enough for me to answer the phone and mention that I had about five minutes because I had something that I'm about to do (which really was blog, but my writer's mind needs to be disciplined where I can convince myself to move it) and then his voice started about 4 pitches higher than normal, louder than normal and said "By EMAIL????" He is referring to the fact that he believes he has been broken up with by email.  And again, for emphasis, "BY EMAIL???!?!?!?" and then in the most piercing, skull cracking schream (scream and a shout and shriek), and right into the mouthpiece of the phone, "F****************CK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

I had actually emailed him earlier to say thanks for bringing by my mail and included the words "that was nice".  

The decibel level of that call is still stuck in my brain, bouncing around.  It's like I need something to dislodge it from my head.  The sound of my phone ringing over and over again certainly is not doing the job though.  I've received some fairly....and I'll use some real description here, Yucky emails from him (that I am not opening) and these phone calls (that I'm not answering).  

I emailed him after he blessed me with his well wishes earlier and let him know that that was the phone call of a pretty angry person.

So why would he think that calling me over and over again is something that is even on the table?  If I held a Wile E. Coyote Acme firecracker up to my face and it blew up, leaving standing black hair on my head, would I run to get another one?  

Yes, it has been the day.  

It turns out that the Great Oz that I used to think he was is really the man behind the curtain. Big bad ass bummer, that one is.

So I must mention...at Trader Joe's, I actually had recyclable bag envy.  I have plenty of bags in my trunk (and always remember to use them!  In fact, that's how I moved most of my things into this apartment!)  I saw a woman saunter past in slo-mo, hair bouncing to some sexy beat while her five MATCHING adorable and colorful bags all sat like perky Target models in the cart.  How is that fair?

Still thinking about how not to let my bags feel inferior, I passed a man outside with no butt, although nicely dressed, smelling the melons.  I'm just sayin'.

The way home felt more like a video game.  One where the batteries were dying.  First I had this flock of bicyclists in front of me.  They always say "share the road" but they were thick on my side.  So sharing would mean me crossing the yellow line.  These were obviously assassin bicyclists trying to look environmentally harmless.  I finally had to beep gently since they seemed to have no intention of letting a motor powered vehicle go any faster than their legs could pedal.  

I finally get to a place that I can enjoy, the home stretch, singing to Katy Perry about how you're a firework and you're going to leave 'em going Ah Ah Ah.......and a large truck, with the equivalent of a 2 story building in length trailer decides to merge in front of me.  I'm doing 65mph and there is nothing to my left besides rail and a little pavement.  I thought the truck and it's train were simply shorter than that but it felt like the handkerchief in a magician's pocket. It was never ending and squashing me over to the left, further and further.  It's in those moments that are so short where your mind turns into a feature film flashback.  As I thought of how to maneuver through without hurting anything, suddenly the Mississippi lengthed vehicle was just barely all the way in front of me.  

I did what anyone would do after breathing a sigh of relief.  I laid on the horn and hoped they would feel my wrath!  They'd FEEL their road fueled stupidity!  Yes!  Wah HA! HOW DOES IT FEEL?!?!

Honestly it looked like the dude clearly didn't care.  He had no idea that I am the mother of two beautiful girls, one at home waiting for me to walk in with a surprise cake pop, and a devastatingly cute grandson.  And that's fine. As long as I know and I get to enjoy them!

I Don't Have To Be What I'm Scared Of

A window into a moment that only I witnessed - Conversations with Humanling. I'm almost 40 (in a year and a half) so I don't remember what we were talking about to bring this World of Threatening Menace down on her Candyland.

Me: Does this mean you'll watch Harry Potter with me?

HL: I don't want to watch Harry Potter because its in 3-D.




Me: I'm 3-D, you're 3-D.

HL: You're 3-D but I'm not because I'm scared of 3-D.