Seasoned

I believe that I love happily ever after. I’ve never done it but my guess is that anything with the word ‘Happy’ in it has to bring some benefit to the table.

I’ve had it offered to me a number of times and just like the mysterious Curtains 1-3, you never know what’s really behind them until you choose one.

Just yesterday morning, I had been thinking a lot about this very complicated relationship. Pros, cons, nostalgia of this soul being my first real kiss – the inexperienced, sloppy and hours long kind. The time we used to spend at ages 12 and 13 in elevators (stop button with our fingerprints all over it) making out. Or the movie theatre. Or literally, a roll in the hay, as we had access to a barn.

But are we more than just that primal underlying attraction as adults? It seems sometimes that the only area of our life we wouldn’t even think about complaining about would be the path of the barn. At times it seems that anything else is a war cry. Words about parenting, money, the messy house, who is using how many burners on the stove at a given time - Somehow leaves one person’s mouth and cocoons then completes a metamorphosis into a totally different creature before ducking into the ear of the now offended one.

Yes, people go through this. People who had married since before Abe Lincoln studied by a candle flame. BUT….what shade of red flag do you have when it happens intensely and frequently within a relationship that is merely a year and a half old?

Jumping into something was so very easy. Even if I had put any thought into moving in with my mate as quickly as I did, my body would have already packed and driven everything here without my cerebral help. It was magnetic and felt absolute.

Pondering when there are problems is another story. It’s not quite as easy to think straight about breaking the wine bottle on the bow of Ship I Guess It’s Better We Found Out Now. Because when do you really ever know? Does the flashing Game Over sign on your deathbed finally reveal the ‘right’ choice? How much do you have to try? And then some folks will say you shouldn’t HAVE to try so hard if it’s ‘right’.

Ah. BUT. Most of the wonderful wise elders in our society will open their creaky closets and share their secrets with us if we just ask. That it really WASN’T all that easy, although you’d never realize it from the outside. That this seemingly adorable old couple never even had an argument about margarine vs. butter. We’ve found out through opening up to others that even THOSE couples had their Dark Night of the Couples Soul. They hung in there through commitment, got through it and are honest enough to say that it sucked but it passes and they are glad they worked through it.

If you otherwise are into your mate and aren’t merely out to trade in for a newer used model then you’re in luck. You already know their rusted crannies and they know yours. You already realize that even if you do think their farts are rosey, they do come with thorns. No big surprises there. What is needed then seems to be new ways of learning, perceiving and a commitment to try to be mindful of the other person instead of being trapped in what is making YOU and ONLY YOU uncomfortable or hurt. Otherwise, you might throw away that Other Person’s Treasure that really you could have happily been with. There’s always a new person out there to scale for new land mines with exploding baggage. Sometimes people just give up too soon.

On the flipside, if you absolutely see nothing about your relationship that works for you or you feel icicles gleaming on your special parts when your partner tries to be affectionate to you, then well, maybe it is time for Greener Land Mines.

I thought about our own relationship and our issues that we’ve allowed to inflate. I remember when we laid eyes on each other, how I felt after our first meeting after 25 years, I still remember the drive to his house for the first time knowing it was going to change my life (and now I live here too). I remember that first night of sleeping next to each other – his arm around me, never leaving me for an instant all night.

Those are the things that soften the edges of hurt.

I thought about how everything was flavored, sizzling, crazy energy, exhilarating….how we were like a savory sautéed dish! And how we allowed ourselves to eventually morph into boiled cabbage.

I don’t want boiled cabbage. Not on my stove ever and definitely not metaphorically.

It’s easy to get bogged down and find nothing but unsalted, boiled cabbage. The elders are correct then in my opinion. It is more work to create a tantalizing, gorgeous and enjoyable dish.