Face Kitties

The rain comes in from all over this week. Hurricane season had onions for lunch and is enjoying it’s after affects. Leaves fall, glossy and decorative anywhere they land. Branches reach up from the ground to offer themselves up for kindling, now with the cooler season approaching. The cats….well….MY cats…Azrael – my hunter and all around Tough Girl Mush, demands to go out and do business, even though there is a litter box available. She probably just doesn’t want to share it with Princess, the Persian Poof, who does enjoy going outside, wide eyed and skittish. When Azrael runs, it’s with stealth, grace and strength. You can hear her paws gallop across the earth. When Princess runs, it looks more like she’s being chased. Her eyes seem terrified and she is much more clumsy than Az. Princess is usually Humanling’s Bed Décor. She just flat out refuses to deal with the rain.

I am of late, trying to really dig in and see what I’m truly made of. I see many many instances in my life of where I could have been more true….to others of course, but that would have involved being true to myself.

In the meantime, during all of this thought, of which I feel there is never enough time to deeply immerse in, but scraps of moments where you can perhaps sketch one out to think about later, I have also to see yet another side of me. Video Game Me.

In Farmville, I am leveled into the 30s. I love making wine and fruit drinks. I am obsessive about my crops and have decided that my farm looks tons cooler as a beach. I jump with joy when securing a Llama or a Himalayan kitty from another player. I can’t seem to expand my chicken coop fast enough and therefore have decorated the outside of my white picket fence with chickens. I have found that I have no patience for growing things that take 2 days. I enjoy a variety of bloomers and plant things at varying harvest times. While I enjoy harvesting and planting, I don’t enjoy plowing as much.

In Frontierville, I obsess about chopping down trees to create more land. I’m a wood lover (literal and figuratively!) I love the premade goals because of the element of surprise and the task of making them. I use other people to feed as many of my animals as I can. In both Farmville and Frontierville, I’m a gift giver of great proportions.

Now Mafia Wars isn’t something I wanted to play instantly. Frontierville forced me into it or else it said that I can’t have a horseshoe pit. Or rather, I can HAVE one, because it sort of made me take one when I signed on one day, but I won’t be able to USE it unless I play the listed five games and level up a few times. Very very sneaky and fabulous marketing, that Frontierville! In order to complete your horseshoe pit, you have to date the other games too and claim your pieces. ALL of the other games…unless you want to use that elusive and hard to get special sort of money they have (horseshoes for Frontier, FV bucks for Farmville) to pay for it. Which you can’t, because you usually won’t have it unless you obsess so very much that you run out to Target or Walmart to purchase a card that will get you more cash. So in Mafia Wars, I have no idea what I’m doing but apparently I have robbed a few warehouses, taken on some thugs and am really wanting to be a Pig Master. I am swapping pigs with an ex boyfriend and former co-worker from years ago, whom I haven’t spoken a word with since we’ve become Facebook friends over a year or so ago.

The gift giving and swapping in these games seems to me to actually BE communication. Hey, I need something but I’m also communicating with you and will give to you … will you give to me? You will?! That’s great! We are both acknowledged! Would we talk about this in person ever? Probably not. Or maybe a quick conversation, end-punctuated with “See you in Farmville”.

I have been also trying Tropical Isle, but really, anything more than one game seems to be nearly a job. Tropical Isle is also being thrust upon me due to my really want to please Frontierville and meeting my goal of completing my Horseshoe Pit. Eventually, FRV, I AM going to have that Pit. Even if I grow tomatoes in it, so help me, there will be a pit. I am not really so much into caring about why I have a Tiki Thing on my island or what the point is of upgrading it. I’m impatient with this character of mine….she digs way too slow and I can’t simply point and click her onto the other spaces ahead of time like I can with FV and FTV. In fact, it isn’t like there is a real POINT to any of these games, but with this one I see it the least.

I actually feel guilty for the amount of time at home that I spend on these games. So after I get what I want, in way of a Horseshoe Pit, I might have to dump some of them. Ah, is this another insight into a part of me? Am I one of those people who will dump you because I’ve gotten what I want??? Absolutely not. Because I don’t actually *want* anything from my friends, except for them to be my friend in the way most natural to both of us.

So. See you in Farmville! And please be sure to accept these shovels. It means that I was thinking of you.

Will Someone Remove this Young Man from my Trousers?

That up there is a quote from I-Carly. Not the crack....the Trousers. Consider it a tribute.

This is modern life. It's a dangerous snowstorm for some today. I have a Drake's crapcake truck sliding and spinning tires, spending a tank of gas to get out of his spot at the gas station where he's had to deliver. Life is so laughable that in a storm, we must be sure that the sugar and partially hydrogenated Treats to the Angioplasty center are delivered on time. He literally spent over 20 minutes trying to get out of the awkward big truck position on a tiny slope with snow.

Humanling tried something new tonight. Something that I was open enough to buy but not to taste. I made mung bean noodles. I know it rhymes with dung. She was tough to be around today. So I said to myself, I know what will fix HER wagon. But it seems that she really really likes these freak of nature transparent wormish noodles. They aren't even noodles, they are mung bean STRANDS. {shiver!}

I decided to make this awesome and easy looking soup tonight. It was simply water, lentils, carrots, rosemary and garlic. It was coming along beautifully. Until someone slipped a bar of soap into it. I didn't see the soap but I certainly did taste it. Unless Rosemary lathered way too much before hopping into the pot. Does anyone else ever have Cuss Word Repentent tasting soup? Blah! I can't bring myself to throw it out yet...all that work....

Genie made a very eye opening statement on last night's blog....have I become a Facebook dater? It's true....a FB flirt for sure but DATER! You know its only one letter from overkill....when you change your status so there is no online detection and you become a HATER! Oh Genie....you are so right...what has happened to my life??

But its so much fun. Addiction anyone?

I think Creepy aka Atlantic City is showing a few sides of fugly here and there which is unfortunate, He's blowing the whole good story this could have been. He's shown that some people are capable of becoming insanely possessive and crudely forward without really re-knowing someone over twenty years later. Plus there's something else that doesn't seem right to me. I don't want to judge but I prefer that if I'm in any sort of vibe with a single dad, that he talks about his kid. A lot. Creepy told me that he has a 10 year old boy and that he lives with his mom. Period. No photos, never talks about him otherwise....he's just busy making innuendos out of my sore throat status.

Capricornius has gotten that downwind scent of Another Guy Being Interested in me. I went to trek down to get my coffee this morning in the snow (easier to walk than to clean off the car) and found an envelope outside my door. Oh ladies...YOU know. The swooning happens when they think they are losing something. It was an incredibly sweet thing to do....to drop it off on his way to work (way out of the way) in a snowstorm. But you know the Caps buy sweet cars so he was safe. It seems from the card, that he would like maybe to seal this up a bit tighter. Sometimes its a nice thought...but we have such different taste in paint.

Here's another plug for our show this week ~ we have about seven awesome guests on this week discussing the subject of how your mind has the potential to shape the expression of your genes as well as the world around you. Holy bats, crapman! It's gonna be good!!! Again, that link to James Sinclair's documentary is www.whatifthemovie.com . My future husband, Bruce Lipton is in it. I like smart.

Guess where I met James? On Facebook! Yes...it's all coming together now....

Nice To Meet You...I've Booked Us a Wedding Hall

It feels like Sunday today, right?

It was a nice day off. I could so live like this if it weren't for that whole having to feed the child thing. So this is what it feels like to be Humanling's dad. Only I have internet.

We walked down to the coffee shop this morning to hang out, play a game (in which I would lose ridiculously - even in games Capricorns are disgustingly good with hanging onto their bills) and caffeinate my soul. There were a number of people who came in just to open their laptops and sit in a coffee shop. One girl and guy exchanged words across tables - "You job hunting today? Me too!"

There was a gorgeous, taller girl with a nose ring and green eyeshadow. She had acne scars and she was really admirable material for me. My nose ring is a stud and has been for the last 9 years. Hers was a ring. I miss wearing a silver ring. I saw a psychic in my early 20s who warned me that I needed to remove the ring as I was prone to being lead around by the nose like a bull. I thought she meant that since I'm also Italian I would be lead around by my keen sense of smell when calzones were ripe in the garden.

Once we got home (after my brutal Monopobeating from Humanling) I checked in with this week's guest to go over our question list and to let him know the date, day and time (yet again - OCD*OCD*OCD) to call in.

I had the most wonderful phone call last night. I did call my friend who offered me his entire life when he was 17 (Wheezer). We finally connected. We are coasts apart and had a four hour conversation. I went to bed at 3am, happy to have spoken to him. He's another divorce casuality, but then again, that's as common as pigeons in this day and age.

I proceeded to have a nice dream about him after that. NO - nothing juicy, I swear! But it was a comforting dream.

I checked my email this morning and the guy that I met on vacation when I was 14 sent me a not so happy message. He had asked to do phone recently and I said we will set up a date for it since I'm not great with it. The guy I spoke to last night has waited since December. Apparently Wheezer had written me to tell me how great it was to talk to me and for SO LONG and used a public note that I had written on Facebook to tell me. Well, Atlantic City guy saw this and emailed me to let me know that he's glad I got over my phone issues. I guess he thought he was reading something private and it was accidentally forwarded to it.

I was a little put off since we barely know each other. The face to present to me after the last marriage that I had with the boy who was so possessive that I couldn't drop something in the grocery store or else I'd have to bend over to get it and my shirt would go up in the back and all the men in the vicinity would sport woodies over my back skin, is not one of possession or any hint of this kind of insecurity. I like little possessive things, but nothing that rolls out a red carpet to go with the raging red flags.

I did very nicely email him back and let him know that Wheezer has been waiting since December and that he's a dear friend. I didn't want to explain too much more since I don't owe an explanation.

But that's me....I'm not *sad* but I am like *pffffff*. I love the romanticism of old loves, friends, etc and the possibilities that can be. Until I step on a reality shard and it jolts me out of my fun.

So tonight's dilemma is - Watching the Big Bang Theory.....or Spectacular (some early teen movie on Nickelodeon that the Ling is sure to emulate in her sleep). It was so easy back then, wasn't it?

Beware the Yellow Filled Bottle

What a beautiful day it was today! Here in CT, that means mid thirties equals being outside!

Humanling let me know early on that we should go and pick up trash in a park and in our own Hood. So, armed with two Walmart plastic bags we stepped outside.

They were full in no time.

I had to stop the Ling from reaching for a pepsi bottle with 'yellow' liquid in it. Ah, no...we'll leave that one.

What about my OCD you ask? (Or didn't ask?) She had gloves on with rubber gloves over them. I merely had gloves. We tried to pick up things with branches as well and that pretty much worked.

The park however, was quite clean. We only picked up a few items but then again, it is winter.

I have been wracking my mind to try and find a good volunteer opportunity that would involve HL helping out as well. The ones that I've wanted to do so far involve animals and because of her age, we haven't been able to. We don't really have a lot of babysitter type opportunities (and I won't pay for one - ha ha, my electricity bill is $1600 right now and I will need to call and plead with them for another couple of weeks since I will be able to give something then....). So when HL mentioned picking up trash, she gave us a solution for now. At least now I won't have to look at the almost empty Snapple bottle that's been in front of the driveway for eons.

Facebook has been a lot of fun as usual and you just never know where things will go. I'm due to call one person tonight that I haven't spoken with in 20 years and has human nature has it, if all goes well, I will fantasize about how our lives could come together. Or...I'll find fault in one sentence and think what a wonderful person, breathe a sigh of relief that I am single and shut the idea off.

What I can't believe is that another person actually scanned and sent me the letters that I wrote to him when I was fourteen. Can I just say that I really really sort of don't like how I represented myself at that age? Or how I did to him? And then I think....is THIS how I stayed in his mind all these years....as THIS person? So much swearing, very shallow conversation....and showing off a verbally abusive relationship that I was having here at home, hoping he would come save me. Eek.

The Mystery Of gives me plenty to smile about. It's a nice place to be.

Meanwhile, Capricorn and I hang out still here and there and its nice. Its nice and I know there is nothing in common....that for whatever reason he thinks it would work and I feel it would be somewhat stifling. It would put walls up in my life where there aren't any now. Or.

Maybe it would give me an opportunity to let him into the life that I have now and want to lead going forward. He is the most linear man I know. And he recently asked me if I had a 'rock' for him. He means a crystal. Or a gemstone that can help him somehow. So I did get him a few, a red tigers eye especially for that overly active worried about money root chakra. I also got him a book on yoga since he recently mentioned wanting me to teach him. And he wants to try EFT. This is all very good. I'm glad for him that he is expanding his horizons. He gets bored so easily.

I am never bored. It scares me when someone bores easily.

Yesterday the Ling and I had a craft show. The positioning of the event did not draw people in, but I had a great day selling a few items and meeting some very very nice women. Sometimes craft show women can be a bit competitive. These ladies were terrific....and so was the woman who's store was hosting our fair. Her daughter was there and that gave my girl someone to play with. I left with business cards, a new buddy to have playdates with and a wealth of good conversation.

Since I'd promised my girl a trip to the bowling alley, we went last night and met Capricorn there. I somehow won the first game and I'm definitely not competitive and don't do the butt dance when I win. I only do the butt dance when I drink.

So this fires up the Goat who can't deal with losing...especially to me. Another two or three games ensued with him keeping careful tabs and me talking to the ugly ball. I was convinced that the ugliest ball there was why I was doing well. I figured it needed some gentle talking to and as I got ready to awkwardly roll them down the aisle, I'd look at it and say, "you can do it."

The show last week went fabulously for my friend and I. We had a great turn out and even my little mom and her husband were EFT tapping away during the program, mom walking around the living room and hubby with a cigarette drooping in his fingers. That to me would be the whole reason to do it to begin with. If you can get my Old School Meat and Potatoes Brooklyn raised mama to tap because her weird black sheep kid said so.....then it had to be because there was an authoratative English accented voice on the show telling her to.

This week's show will be more physically health oriented and we're hoping to really break some myths for folks.

I see its time to put the Ling to bed. She's playing with my hair right now and I have to pretty up for my phone date. Which means having a glass of water nearby and a pen to doodle with.

I hope whatever time or day you're reading this, its a moment you are really taking in and glad to be in it. x0x0x0

I Missed You Guys!

Wow, I never expected to let the blog hibernate for a couple of weeks but as with everything, wax and wane.

You guys had some fabulous comments on the last blog regarding the 17 year old Proposer back in the 80s!

My whereabouts have been basically dabbling in some Facebook here and there, regular nightly emails to Those on my Daily Email list and tons of research.

As far as Facebook goes, I have connected with so many happy phantoms of my past. I had this one amazing job where I was trusted with the title of Music Buyer as a 24 year old. That job was a Par-Tay with matching purse. I regularly cross lines with my ex boss, who back then was my major source of burning hell infernalization. I hated him with all that my not as evolved pre quarter century self could possibly muster. I wished bad things on him at the time. I told him to his face and my other boss's face and I wished bad things on them and their wives. And kept my job because I wasn't violent about it. I was quite Girl about it. With accessorized tears. They were real.

Now though, I really like him. Really. I actually thought he was hot back then. But cocky and smarmy and he used to throw comments at me that should have gone into an HR file, had the world been paranoid about PC verbiage at the time like it is now. I hear he is a musical genius and has perfect pitch. He now works as a professor. He and his wife divorced when he was caught cheating, but he has remarried, so that's all good. I hear my other boss divorced as well.

The words of Tori Amos - The sun is getting dim....will we pay for who we've been, yeah...

Hopefully not. Can we really be punished for our misdeeds of our youth? I know there are so many answers to that. Karma, learning experiences, too much jagermeister and running mascara.

I have not run off with anyone, I am still verifiably single. I won't say whether or not the BC fairy has been by, but I do have some nice friends.

I have an ex who has been Golden to me since the :doot: thing dissolved (which hasn't been put completely to rest as another conversation still needs to take place - his request). I don't really know what to say to :doot: other than I tried. I came back into your life to make amends, not make a new problem, not trick you or hold the football only to yank it away as soon as your foot swings back. I have love for you of course. There is a ton of history. I don't know if its timing or the actual chemistry between us. I am not ready for the commitment or the time involved in an actual relationship. I am still very much in love with my spiritual path and need to walk it, smelling each flower, stroking the bark of every tree, feeding every squirrel and bird on my path. I never wanted to hurt you and never want to hurt anyone else. Which is why until I am sure about who I am, I would like to stay alone.

My ex has been very nice though....he knows the whole deal - the whole enchilada since I won't lie, no matter how much the truth is dressed like a hobo and smells like the fresh cheese section of the grocery store. I will not hide things intentionally so that others can get the wrong idea.

We'll call the ex, Goat. The Goat has heard my tales of empty pockets, bank fees for insufficient funds and worries about Humanling not quite getting as much as I wanted to try to do. I didn't tell the Goat any of this for a handout. I told him because he kept asking me questions or would want to hang out and really, I had a lot of blueprints to draw in how I was going to grab my stagecoach and rob Peter to pay Paul once again. That and worries about the Humanling at times since I really want her to see this integrative doctor in the area. She doesn't take insurance. Ka-BLAM-Ching!

Wouldn't you know that the Goat shows up with a good chunk of cash and hands it to me and instructs me to do the doctor appointment, get that gift card for my mom that I wanted to get her and don't forget the oil change. Then he went online and bought a number of things for Humanling. I told him that this was going to be paid back. So....uh, anyone want to pay him? Ha ha... no, really though. But it won't be for a couple o' months. Can anyone sexily say "Deferred"? You can actually if you roll your tongue and say "Purrrrrrrr" but change it to "De-fuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrred".

So normally, I am not the type EVER to take help.

But I am realizing on my current path that I need to stop doing that. This isn't about me. This is about Humanling's dr appt, my oil change so desperately needed and my mother's grocery store giftcard. I can GIVE whatever I have till the cows come home, unpack their spots and then take off for a mountain top guru. RECEIVING is quite another story. The Heat Miser to the Snow Miser's yang.

I am hard core on this path to really know who I am. How I'm going to change lives. How I'm going to up the ante and make this world truly a better place. Not just by hiding in my house and commenting on Facebook. Not by smiling through slightly gritted teeth at a co-worker who has the capacity to make me push the DESTROY button and saying something nice instead. But those things help. I want to know who I am. And I want to give it all away to everyone, to all of you. To God. I want don't want to erase hurts but I want to help heal them and remind us all to bookmark them for future reference, lest we test the definition of insanity.

I had a craft show a couple of weeks ago. This is the first one where I lost money by booking the space. But I had a good day. I have a few amazing spiritual items and this completely amazing Jesus picture. It's just his face and his eyes look so real. I am coming to terms that I am what could be a Crystal Christian (some call it Wiccian Christian or Pagan Christian). The girl who doesn't want to give up her crystals, tarot or Jesus. I want them all together. I am stoked to see what comes forth for us all in 2012. I am hearing that he's coming back. I meditate but not as deep or as much as I want to. That's being worked on. I have tarot cards. I have seen an angel as a child. I believe. I don't pray to Goddesses because for me they seem too mythological (for ME - I know I'm not the only one with an opinion. I also am rooted in some of my childhood beliefs). I love fairies and vampires but have never encountered a vampiric fairy. Unless mosquitos count.

I saw a girl at this craft fair. Probably between eleven and fourteen years old. I am not sure what her difference was - she didn't talk, she had 'something' up with her development. She was held onto by her mom and was sort of hunched. But we met eye to eye. And she smiled right into my eyes, which then filled with tears. This was a complete transformation. This smile of hers could change the orbits of all Jupiter's moons from millions of miles away. I wish I could have taken a photo. I'd put it on an altar to remind me that this exists. These smiles, these genuine soul smiles.

So basically, I am just one of a zillion folk, trying to find themselves, do the daily and raise an incredible human being.

The latest thing around work is Belt Tightening. Is anyone surprised? A department or two is being erased within our structures and penciled into a third party notebook. For now, I am told, we are safe.

But we are always safe. I am not wishing to lose my wonderful job. They have accommodated me into an endless chant of gratitude. But if it should happen, I want to know that I have figured out what magic is coming out of my wand. Hence, soul searching on top of existing soul searching. The whole When One Door Closes rule. I believe it in fully. On one hand, I don't wish to have to figure myself out tomorrow while re-writing my resume. On the other hand, as with everything for everyone, be who you are Now.

Or as I have heard Byron Katie say, Think of something that you think holds you back. Now think of who you would be without that issue. And then Be that person.

Facebook: You Have A Message From....

And then I saw his name. We'll call him Wheezer. That was his nickname when we were 16. It is indescribable the feeling I saw when I saw his name there. A smile that cracked, molted and grew even larger and a reserve of happy tears.

I hit the link immediately to connect with him.

He has a rather common first and last name. His name could only be worse if it were Michael Smith. Over the years any search for him resulted in my rare white flag with a google bar on it. Who knew what state he'd live in. Last I knew he was in Michigan. And that was when we were 20.

We met at McDonalds when we were both 16 and freshly morphed with working papers. I don't think they have those anymore but I'm pretty sure that we had them. We are two weeks apart in age but different astrological signs. Me the Scorpio, he the Sagittarius.

I went to a public high school where there were so many faces I'm sure some teachers didn't know my name by the end of the year. And if they did in my senior year, it was probably because I was the more rare at the time pregnant 17 year old senior. He went to a private Catholic school.

He looked like Superman, so said our geeky McDonalds quality of Circle. And he would prove later on to be one.

Wheezer was virginal. I was not. Not by much, just by two people most likely. I had a boyfriend who was a spot of trouble. I liked 'em with a criminal record. Only this one would sometimes not show up to walk me home from work and later on call me from the police station to say he was arrested for being on the roof of a grocery store. So maybe I liked them with a silly criminal recored as opposed to dangerous. My dad had a silly criminal record. Like the time he put a sand shark in the library water fountain or stealing cars. Only no one knew that was him with the shark. Well, now they do.

I recall the night the McCircle was behind the shopping center, standing on frozen cold piles of dirt. My boyfriend Rooftop was with the pack leaving, as I was. Rooftop wasn't officially my boyfriend but everyone knew we were together. He would actually wait until a few months later when he was cleared in court and knew he wasn't going anywhere before he would ask me to be his official girlfriend. Pretty considerate for a boy!

Everyone started moving toward our next destination, most likely a warm one. Wheezer stopped me for a moment. He said someone told him he wasn't a good kisser and would I mind if he kissed me so that I could give him the honest truth? I sort of shrugged and felt as though he asked if I wanted a piece of gum. Ok. Not a problem. So we kissed awkwardly and with me in Mindful Critique mode since he posed it in such a way.

Hm. Not my type of kisser at that time. Not at all.

So I told him I had no idea what that girl was talking about - he was fine.

As time went by, he became the friend who constantly watched me drunk on the tightrope, as he balanced an armload of antique eggs for his mom that would wreck havoc on the world if cracked. He stood under me waiting for me to fall and having to catch me with a delicate balance. Thankfully it was never so bad. His parents hated me. Apparently Rooftop or someone else called his home and threatened his mom that they'd hurt him. I didn't know anything about this nor would I have allowed it.

Wheezer was the guy who stood by and watched me date and become free. Date and become free again. But never dated him. I kissed him here and there. I was excited to see him and hang out with him. But he was one of my "buddies". The guy I wouldn't date. The *nice* guy that mothers loved. Superman.

For my birthday one year he offered me his virginity. I handled it gracefully but had no appreciation for what he was trying to give me. I figured it was a way of getting some. I mean what boy offers his virginity? And doesn't enjoy it?? It was a pretty neat way of trying to sleep with someone.

Within the beginning of my senior year in high school I stopped dating my last bad idea and went back to the guy I was with before I even met Wheezer or my McCrowd. We immediately enjoyed the thrills of teenagers being left alone every day after school and Miz Eye was brought into this dimension. The pregnancy with Miz Eye was unexpected, but not. I mean, we weren't preventing, so we should have been expecting. Her dad didn't take it well at the time. He was 18 and we went to separate schools. He didn't have to give in it to immediately like I did.

I was left alone by him during most of the pregnancy and when he was with me he let me know that he was embarrassed by me. We attended my prom and I wore a dress that I chose 3 months earlier. Which meant that the dress was not as supple as it was when I bought it. I felt like the prom side show and watched everyone else dance to "This is the Time" by Billy Joel while my date and donor wouldn't even hold my hand.

I relayed all this to Wheezer, one of three males that knew about my situation.

On one of our hang out nights, Wheezer decided to treat me to dinner - one of those steak places. (Yes Virginia, there was a time that Shades ate the flesh). I didn't eat much and was rather cranky, being nearly 6 months pregnant and full of joy and hope for my baby but heartbroken about who I thought was the love of my life. We left the steak place and Wheezer pulled over to a golf course. He asked me to get out of the car. I nervously got out and asked repeatedly with OCD tinged spurts - What are we doing here? Why? What are we doing here? Why?

He pulled a radio out of the car and placed it on the roof. Pushed play. A slow song came on...it might have been Heart. He might have given me a rose. And then he definitely asked me for this dance.

He wanted so hard to make it up to me for what someone else was bringing down.

I ruined the night. I refused the dance. I refused to see the beauty. I probably didn't even have dessert and maybe that was my problem. I was being the young Scorpion. The kind that stings itself over and over again just to make a point.

He wasn't deterred. As he dropped me to my house that night, he stood in front of me and held my hands. He asked me if I would marry him and he would give me his car, he would take care of me and my unborn baby. He would give up college and the experience of growing into adulthood with transitioning stages as opposed to being dropped like a freefall into it overnight like I would be (but I knew this and I wanted it.)

If I refused a dance, I was definitely refusing this offer. I said it wasn't fair to him. It wasn't his problem and that his parents would kill him.

And then...life went on. The summer was a blur after graduation in regards to him. I had my beautiful baby girl and fell in love for the first time ever, unconditionally with her. It was the first day of school when I called all my friends who were returning to their senior year, and told them she had arrived. My hospital room was full of teenagers that night.

A note regarding Miz Eye's dad. He was there for the birth, metaphorically shoving aside my best friend who had done the Lamaze time with me all summer. But the moment he saw Miz Eye, he changed. He cried, he apologized and he's been her dad - a good dad, ever since. I moved into his home with his parents after her birth. It would last for about a year and a half but we tried.

Wheezer and I eventually lost touch.

I tried to find him for years with the amazing power of the internet, to thank him. When I look back on that night, I can't believe that everyone was right. He was Superman.

So when I saw that he found me, everything in me burst with joy. I have thanked him.

And he said, after all these years, that " {Shades}you never had to thank me, but I do appreciate the kind words.I would have done it all over again if it came around again."

We have phone numbers. We just turned 39. And although he is across the country in California, I can't wait to catch up. I am at least enjoying the old memories playing back. I hope his are as good as mine.

Your Profile Is Embarrassing

Ever check out your friend requests and accept them from the opposite sex thinking, What's the harm? Why not? I do because I am naive. On these hook up/networking sites, I am extra diligent to put "here for friends" only. On Match.com (my profile is currently hidden...I'm not vain but I couldn't keep up with it right now with the moving and weaving myself a new and unmarried path), a person might be trusting and gracious enough to give me their Myspace page. If you're going to give me access to that kind of information, be prepared for the relationship to stay on the side of Sibling-ish.

If I go to a page and the background is slathered in women's juicy butts, or your mood is "Horny" (equipped with devlish icon to make it a cartoon hormone and nothing sacred), guaranteed, I am done pursuing anything other than "Sup".

Oh I have a sense of humour and a great appreciation of the opposite (and even the same) sex, but if you are ever travelling to 1982, don't forget to check out the time tested philosophy hullabooed by Bananarama and Fun Boy Three, "It's not what you do its the way that you do it".

I stopped logging in to Myspace as much. At times there would be a friend request from a random ripped set of abs with a cell phone and no face. If I accept, I get "U R Hot" or "Do you date young guys?" Hell yeah Eight Pack - not only do I Date them, I MARRY them and then divorce them! Bring it on!

Kidding, kidding...that was not an invite. Or was it? Hold on...nevermind. My Eight Ball clarified that it is indeed, a joke. I think I heard some computer abandonment on that last paragraph!

I will admit to checking out the profiles of a couple of my exes, who were maybe sort of trying to Redate me. I made sounds when viewing their pages. If I am making noises, its probably not a good thing. One of them should have changed their background to a giant banner that says "I AM TRYING TOO HARD". If you are trying to *seriously* look into me, and your Mood is *Flirty*, yet I am not on your Friends list, don't question why it ain't happening. {Ella steps in...."It was greaaaaaat fun, but it was juuuuuust one of thoooooose things..."}