Talk Just Under What Monsters Can Hear

"I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.
Let our scars fall in love.” ― Galway Kinnell

Today my Humanling asked to be brought to the waterfall, fifteen minutes into the woods.  At first I thought to myself about how much I *didn't* feel like doing anything.  And then I thought, sheesh.  She's not asking for a shopping trip or for me to spend money.  She's asking to be brought to do something that kids should be doing more of.  

I'm rather proud of how she can walk through now the way that I've trained her.  We were walking through the woods one day and she was talking loudly.  I don't care that it's outside and you're using your outside voice.  The woods have a whole different setting for Outside Voice.  I've taught her to use her The Man is Going to Kill Us if he Hears Us Voice.  We speak so that we can hear each other...not so the dude from the horror movie can find us because of a decibel Fail.

The people who got there right before us were using their Hockey Game voice.  Four people over the age of 40 something, with three dogs.  Yelling like the dude in the Hopper commercial.  We purposely chose a longer and more sweat inducing path in order to avoid catching up to these slow, loud beings.  We could still hear them from the path that we'd taken.  But no matter. We got to our little falls and got comfortable.  And then they showed up.  Two dogs first.  Then a non smiling human and a dog.  Then a worried looking lady calling to an obviously unneutered dog who obviously didn't want to "hear" her.  The other two Bulls kept their distance and within moments, like bubbles, they all disappeared.  

We had a lovely time.  I took photos, sat with my feet in the water talking to my mate for a little bit on the phone and then wrote up my New Moon list for tomorrow night.

On the way back, I saw movement in the hollow of a tree.  Curiosity hoped to find a chipmunk or something equally as cute.  Instead it was the biggest fucking spider that I'd ever seen just out in the wild.  Fighting the creeps, I backed up and hoped to zoom into the hole with my camera and get a photo that I would look at Some Other Time.  As soon as I took the photo, I bolted at least 25 feet past the tree, wildly begging my daughter to see if there were any spiders on me.  Especially a spider with a saddle on it. 

Turns out there was a shy spider who'd gone to get her gun while I was being a voyeur.  No spider in these photos.  Which even though I was at home and looking at them on the computer at this point, I still needed to do a body check to be sure it stayed in the woods.

It's a sultry Sunday night.  I'm listening to a beautiful rendition of Echoes, waiting for the honey to come over soon.  One thing that I love are those moments that go out of the ordinary.  Like when he walks in and stops for a moment and says "You look beautiful".  Ok, for any dude reading this, that never gets old. Ever.  

We took some photos last night that we think are pretty damn funny, but will not be putting them up.  We're doing a re-take tonight.  Here's hoping they come out as awesome as we think the concept is.  I won't blow our cover with what they are just yet.

Tonight he'll be bringing over a fresh bottle of bourbon.  We'll maybe put Fear and Loathing on in the background, take photos, drink, go primitive and just enjoy indulging in this Cancer moon influence.  It's the supremely simple things that make up a day and then a life.  

I Hath No Desire to Send You Down the River

"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained; and the restrainer or Reason usurps its place & governs the willing." ~ William Blake

I read this quote today in The Yoga of Eating (Charles Eisenstein) and it linked a thought reality with my soul.  Love it.  I am a person who follows desire, passion and when absolutely need be, caution.  My passionate side has a teensy little pin of caution on its lapel, just to once in awhile look down at it and see if the light is yellow or red.  Lately, I'm not bothering to even look.

Humanling and I went for a nice walk through the woods to our local waterfall so that we could sit and read while keeping our feet in the water.  I killed at least three bugs with my left eye.  It would have been less of a tragedy if the bugs didn't startle me and cause a reaction that slammed my eyes suddenly shut.  

I sat on a rock in the middle of the flowing water, enjoying the scent of wet earth and summer air.  A tiny light colored bug landed on me.  I took it off gently.  Eventually he won my attention away from my book as I watched and photographed him.  He appeared to be looking at me but how can you possibly identify what those beady little button eyes are looking at?  He did this side to side movement, like teensy lunges.  Eventually I moved him off my potato chip bag...you can't be all over my baggie like that.  I don't know you, where you've been, what you eat and might regurgitate all over my stuff so here comes the moving company.   I thought I got him to a good spot but somehow he ended up falling into the rushing water and I watched him float away on his back down the next tiny set of falls.  

Ok so I'm not impressed with the fact that I sent him into possible death.  I'm hoping he's light enough to withstand the ride and then fly off into happiness.  He might be blogging about it this very minute!

And yes, I do think about these things.

I kept turning around to retrace the moment as if I could drag the arrow back to the beginning and re-do it.  

Then my man called to see how things were going. The falls were so loud that I thought he said "Burger King" in his salutations.  I'm sorry to say that was not the case.  

One thing we've always done easily was talk.  We spend every single night together (with a couple of exceptions) and yet, there is always talk, with a number of stomach clenching guffaws thrown in.  The kind where you can't look at the other person for fear of dying by a lack of breathing. 

Today we revisited the topic of biorhythms playing a role in the possibility of the randomness of same events occurring on the same day of the week on a continual basis.  My new friend that I destroyed down the falls and made a couple of non-relationship-even-though-we're-in-a-relationship jokes.  

Being in the present is good right now.  It seems to be the way forward into the next moment. 

I will Gladly Pay You One Ice Cream Tuesday for a Hike Today

It's not wrong to rest your beer mug on the book that your child is using for her book report, is it?  It's sitting on the floor, next to the newest Elle magazine, with my girl crush, Kristin Stewart on the cover.  

After waking up for two hours this morning with a beautiful french roast coffee a la marriage of Starbucks and Kerug, I realized that I needed to set the example for the slothiness that was lying around in the recliner watching tv.  I'm complaining about her lying around, however, I've seen pictures of me on the computer that she's taken.  It ain't pretty.  So even though I was bluffing to myself, I said out loud, "Let's go for a hike".  

I thought to myself, I don't really mean that.  It's hot out.  But we left the house anyway.  I detoured us to a book store and saw five books that I want and have already stuck in my cart at Amazon.com.  I take pictures of them while I'm in the store and then look for a better price on Amazon.  Because I'm more frugal than I am impulsive.  Well, when spending money I am.  With experience and adventure, not as frugal as I'd like to claim.

It thunders lightly here now and again. It's so hot that simply sitting around in underwear and flimsy, light shirt is not enough. Thunder is needed, along with the rain to put the air furnace out a bit.

So we did take that hike.  We were greeted by two large horses upon entering the grounds.  At this point I still hadn't realized that by popping my trunk open, I wouldn't be getting it shut by normal means.  It just wouldn't close.  I originally opened it to park my bright orange purse in while we were walking.  I ended up tying it shut with a shoelace from one of Teen-A-Ling's sneakers that was in the trunk from the last move.  The shoes that were thrown off the 2nd floor onto the grass by  Flip as he kicked me out angrily while I cleaned guinea pig cages.  

Then I chose for us to take one of the paths we hadn't previously taken.  Dun dun dunnnnnn!!!! Bad move.  I chose the rebellious path, the one literally less taken.  It was full of brush and if any of that was poison ivy, we will have legs like bubble wrap tomorrow.  There were also so many bugs flying around that at the exact same time, we both recoiled, having bugs slam into our eyeballs and squashing them with our lids.  

The path less traveled did reveal to us though, what might be a tiny village of those die-hard campers.  The ones who build little huts and shelter from what the earth offers.  I am impressed.  I wonder who was in there.  I also imagine granola people...or Charles Manson.  I toggle between the two. They always look like Charles Manson in my head but don't bother stabbing folks or leading cults.  They are solitary Mansons.  I picture females with bandanas tied over their hair and easy smiles, acoustic guitars and cut off shorts.  These people know what situations require drinking your own pee.

After sounding like an old couple (not sure which one was the old man), I finally got us to a point where we could hit the 'main road' path and head back.  She was exhausted at this point and just wanted the ice cream that I told her she could have after putting in her hiking time.

I decided to finally text my dad today and tell him about all the stuff that happened with Flip and his DWI.  My dad, being the Original Gangsta back in the day, texted me back to ask for an actual phone call to discuss.  

Panic.  I don't do phone calls very well except with those who I normally carry on this routine.  But, he is taking an interest in my life and wants to listen and help....so I should jump on that chance. So many of my friends do not have their parents and I do.  This should be a swift kick in the ass to me so I acknowledge my blessings. 

In the end his bottom line opinion was this: He knows how to push your buttons.  He's pushed your buttons.  Now you have to push his - the Eject Button.  

Father does not think I should be dealing with this anymore, and stresses the Easier Said Than Done part.  He pointed out that it keeps going in patterns and that this is not going to change or work for me.  "You're young!" he tells me.  

Meanwhile, Teen-A-Ling's dad has been calling here more.  He is in rehab....a sort of transitional housing.  He's been sober for 90 days now.  This is excellent.  He was going in circles down Ruin Road and without the help of his parole officer, he'd probably be dead.  I hula hooped as we chatted and he mentioned that he may have found what he wants to do.  This time though, he told me that he hadn't told anyone this yet...it was like a secret....and he was gearing up to tell me about it.  He sounded hesitant, as if I'd think him crazy.  (As if I'd think him a *different* crazy than I already do).  He said that he wants to go into substance abuse social work once he gets his GED.  And I totally support that.  He'd be great at it if he can keep his eye on the goal.  He's a good listener, he truly seems to want to listen when his friends need to talk and he always offers solutions.  He has a huge but misguided heart.  And now he can take all of his experience to the other side.  

I really hope he does this.  I will be so proud of him. 

I was going to write more....things about my mom and her love for the red tailed hawk.  But I just think this post is begging to end tonight.  It's tired.  It's on it's third beer and Family Ties is on. 

The Get Away Moments are Here

Now that Humanling is hauled off the a.m. by the school bus, my fiery beloved and I suddenly realized that we can have those Eight Hour getaways again. A horrible thing for anyone when their boss tells them they had better start taking some days off. After the grieving process of having to listen to the boss, we started right away with yesterday being our first.

After patting my adorable girl on the butt and sending her off to absorb curriculum, we delighted in Eating Out. There is a favorite breakfast place for us in nearby Sherman, CT called American Pie. It started out as quite a chilly morning and the feel of a cozy town restaurant was perfect.




The bakery goods are a delight to view through the case. We did our best to talk ourselves down from the sugar ledge and moved on to our main attraction for the day. The Innis Free Gardens in NY. Honey spent an extra half hour reversing and circling and finally realized that he only needed to keep going straight.

I've got a healthy fear of Port-O-Potties. I've got a more robust fear of Holding It. So once we got there and watered the air freshner smelling plastic containers, we started off on our day of breathing natural art.

This tree below reminded me too much of the Poltergeist tree that takes Robbie out of his bedroom window.

Even more special is just connecting with your honey. We've had our share of problems, but where there is love and commitment, there is strength. When it's good, it's simply can't be topped. When we allow ourselves to engage in a bad moment, we lose who we are meant to be. Yesterday was one of those days to put in the memory bank to pull out and revel in. A wonderful day. We remembered who we really are.

I'm fully aware that I've got nothing to give on what kind of tree this is. But I do so heart trees!!!! I still haven't figured out the root of that but in the meantime, I must have photos to remember them by. They are wise, silent, haunting, spiritual and quite the feast for the visual palette.

It's simply too much to cram all these wonderful photos into one blog post. So consider this a Part One!

Now I'm going to use the remaining few moments of silence to Be before my Curriculum Absorbent Child comes in the door and wears another step in that path called "I'm Hungry".

Shades Bueller's Day Off

I took a day off! Pffff...big deal, right? Who doesn't.

Being a single mama though, usually my days are reserved for anything with a hair of Humanling attached to it. I decided a couple of days ago that the Fall of 2008 was not going to pass me by without me being carried along the wind for a day. All alone.

My friends at work asked what I would do. And as I told my friend, Ham (she sits across from me and Humanling actually named her months ago), I am going hiking and to Borders.

So I went out to breakfast and used the outdoor seating, with a view of fading flowers, my hot coffee cup warming my hands. I read, ate and gloriously sipped my coffee. After all, I had all day.
I said I was going hiking. Alone. That meant I had to now. Silly me, a small framed female, hiking alone. But I did it anyway. My intuition has been telling me that I need to be still and sit outside in meditation. And its been saying that for awhile. That's all possible but Humanling hones in on the exact moment that I crave silence and decides to share with me every possible word, letter, thought, dream, Christmas list and bodily function that she can think of. And I'm glad. It's her job. She should be manager by now.

Don't get me wrong, I Double Heart my job as parent. It's the best thing that I do. And even though its for a lifetime, I only get so many untainted moments before friends, boyfriends and gangsters take over and move me to the back of the family portrait. Right now, I am IT. So pass me the relish.

Making tracks. I arrived at the park. I've been going here for over fifteen years. My second failed marriage took place here. Drunk nights of falling asleep on the grass with snacks and a roll of toliet paper nearby may have happened here. Along with a couple of Discovery Channel You and Me Baby Ain't Nothing But Mammals moments.

It's safe then, right? This place knows me enough, right?

So I arrived. Time to crunch through.

This is the kind of day it was - look at the sky. Gorgeous.

Just kidding. That's my backyard.

No it's not.

Then I saw one of these. I hadn't seen this in a LONG time. And ended up seeing four of them.

Who wouldn't turn five in a flash?! I HAD to pet it.

And immediately caused anguish and anxiety and the need to play dead. It curled up and refused to move. Like the Charlie Brown Christmas tree, I nearly killed it with my Walmart grade Midas touch.

You can't hike without a good pair of rock gripping hiking boots.

So apparently I will be going shopping to get some. Because I feel like Peg Bundy tottering around in the woods in these. And yes, I have big feet. Size eight.

I got to sit around, near the water....trying to live up to that l'artiste image is tough when you work for The Man. Tilt Head, summon the wind, deep breath......too effing awesome.

Further in is a tree you can lie down on since its tilted down toward the water. Laying on the tree, I took this shot.

Observe....for more than a few moments I put away one of my Top Three fears - a bird crapping on my head - and took a rest while looking up at the view.

Another one of my friends at work, who will need a new filter between her brain and her mouth for her next birthday, exclaimed "Be careful of bears!"

I've never thought about bears in all my years of hiking there.

Until I was deep enough in the woods today. Because surely if they are in her backyard (she just had to fill me in on that), they are on this planet and in these woods that I am alone in. I thought about the chocolate coconut health bar that was recommended to me by the doctor's staff at my naturopath's office yesterday. I had one on me. I started thinking what I would do if I saw a bear. In desperation throw a health food bar at it. Which it would swallow while chasing me.

I couldn't stop thinking about this bear that would be around the next corner. The Law of Attraction heard me. It heard the gears starting to turn. And responded with a warning. Keep thinking about it and the next thing Will be a bear.

I don't know if you can see it but I am smushing his head with my fingers. And I am not dragging a body on the right side - that's my Trader Joe's bag filled with one dangerous to bears health food bar and five books.

Speaking of not seeing the forest for the trees....I then didn't see the forest OR the trees because I was busy running like prey past the snake and for about a full minute beyond....all while checking the ground for more snakes hidden under leaves, and bears that were going to hop down from the pine trees and maul me.

In fact, by the time I got to my car, I was convinced that a bear would be sitting in the backseat and would strangle me with a non poisonous snake. The irony, dying from a non poisonous snake.

From there it was on to Borders to just sit with another cup of hot coffee with a dash of hazelnut, vanilla powder, cinnamon & cream. And five library books. And a whole section of manga.

For three hours.

Today was perfect. When I wasn't in fear of bears, snakes or my own judgement call for being deep in the woods.