Astrological Weather

Fuhgeddaboudit!
Mars Square Pluto
Dec 21, 2008 to Dec 23, 2008

You're all sneers, bad attitude and streetwise skills. You're in no mood to take any attitude from anyone, let alone some punks who think they know it all. In this mood, it might be best to avoid company.

******

Perhaps if I had seen this little detailed Scorpio horoscope for myself (Virgo Moon, Libra rise, FYI) earlier, I would have avoided phone company as well.

Humanling's dad, Cavey, called. The whole thing was super annoying and I won't go into all the details. If anyone wants an idea of how it runs sometimes, check out Dead Beat Dads in the labels section on the page.

I try very hard to walk in some very good footsteps...and today couldn't be more of a hypocrite if I had sent out a Christmas card of myself flipping the bird in front of a Victorian tree. I looked at people in passing cars and thought, My brother, My sister, we are all here at the same time experiencing this earth at this time, all these changes, all the changes to come. And then I get home and resort to being hung up on when I finally unleashed the "Listen, Mother Beeper" dragon.

Ah well. Ok, its really more of a snake, that whole temper of mine. It's been fed a sperm whale now and should be quiet for awhile.

However, I'm pissed at myself for allowing such an indulgence. For allowing whatever Cavey had to say, to affect me in a way where I would drop the whole John Lennon vibe and go Steven Segal instead. Dirty dirty dirty.

To top it off, Cavey somehow always has a little information that he shouldn't be privvy to. He would let me know today that I have a talking wart developing on my heel in about three weeks. I went to the only person who might be part of an inside job - the Humanling herself.

She swears she didn't give any goods.

Well if that's the case then Cavey is an awfully prophetic alcoholic. Or...perhaps he IS an alcoholic because he knows something the rest of us don't.

So as Humanling, the proverbial protractor carrying Capricorn, said to me tonight, "It's over. The whole thing about me telling daddy is over." And with that, I saw her path of tracks as she had already forged ahead. Subject done. Get over it obsessive Scorpio, and make the damn gluten free cookies for Santa. And can I lick the spoon?

Daddy's and other Primitive Stories

Psssst. Hey Bub. C'meeeeeyah. Don't tell nobody but if you've always wanted to be known as a parent but didn't want to deal with all that crap that most parents deal with, I gotta let you in a secret. Now its a little like the Freemasons - its an underground deal and not everyone who applies gets the position. I mean you gotta really want it and have the charm to get there.

You can be the star in your very own fable! You *exist* but don't really exist....sort of like the whole Santa Claus-Tooth Fairy-Easter Bunny Trinity. And even with a once a year visit, you will manage to somehow have all of the acclaim of such heavy hitters!


You may want to brush up on your kissing noises over the phone, as they may come in handy to help rope back in any child who is wising up to the fact that the responsibility scale is tipping in favor of the constantly viewed and over rated parent who is perpetually present.

You will also get to make many promises without so much as a second thought as to whether or not you really have the desire to see your child for a full week at Disneyland or can afford that Hannah Montana pogo stick that comes with a free puppy. Oh hell, at least go grab the free puppy so that the Perpetual Parent has a little more work to do. Psshhh! Why not! Be sure it isn't neutered yet either!


You got an easy Kid Card to show your naive friends who think that a) your b*tchy ex is holding back from letting you see your sperm trophy b) all those lies you make up about spending time with said trophy is perceived as truth or c) they must buy you yet another beer because you have no money since you, as an attentive father, have been "paying child support" (wink wink. We know the truth!). Your friends will be amazed at how well you balance your pittance from empties with toliet paper and dollar menu meals. They will be thoroughly impressed that you created another person at all - WITHOUT the instructions! They will come to you for well thought out advice, that you would give someone....if you actually had to be one of those poor saps who the law catches and forces to divvy out more than $20 here and there a few times a year to your gold-digging ex. Damn! Can't she just get a third job? WTF Man?!

Remember to always always promise things that you can't deliver. Be sure to live more or less within bottle rocket shooting distance but be sure to let the ex know that you can't come see the child because you'd have to Walk. If you are called out on walking, you may refer to the Excuses Pamphlet you will receive. Goodies such as "I broke my shoulder", "I hurt my back working" {off the books of course to be sure that child support cannot be bled from your stone}, and "My brother got into a car accident" have worked for many a man who needs his free time, dammit! Otherwise that stupid ex of yours will be cramping your Sauce Time with buddies and *nudge nudge* those underage girls you hang with because you are the Cool Old Guy in a band. You will buy alcohol for these saplings with their money. Why? Because you CAN you stud you! They will PAY you to get the alcohol AND ask you to partake. Not only that but if you find that you have to return the favor, you aren't actually paying anything in child support so you're covered. Dig in to that change jar and don't forget CT's blue laws....by 9pm at the latest and Never on Sunday so find a ride on Saturday to stock up.

*****In all honesty, I wrote this back in early August. I wasn't going to publish it because I just didn't think I should. Humanling's dad is a charmer. If he wasn't, he'd be sober.

I have found out today about more covered up stories and excuses - even pertaining to the day that HL wrote her post about being upset that the Biological didn't call early enough and see her.

Tonight he asked if I'm stopping by my mom's for Thanksgiving. He is now stationed a five minute walk from my mother's house. I said I wasn't sure and told him that he can go there if he wants if he would like to eat with my mom and step dad. After all, I did say Charmer, everyone likes him, including my parents. My dad would probably skin a man right in a church pew if he was all looking the wrong way, but Cavey is in somehow and always will be.

Cavey said he thought he could visit with Humanling at my mom's. Here comes Just To Make a Point. I could have said OK! so that HL can have a few moments to be near the Idea that she has a father, like other kids have dads. And so that she can put her intentions on her dad instead of hugging every male in my life with more gusto and clinginess than I can stand to watch (or allow happen...we are going to have a talk really soon). It upsets me that she is trying to just see what it feels like to have that normal adult male parent affection because she doesn't know enough about it. I'll be honest....neither did I while growing up. And maybe a couple of times I looked at my little girl friends interacting with their dads and wondered what that felt like - to joke around, to be adored by your father and not be terrified of him or want him to disappear.

{Pant Pant....I'm getting winded!}

Instead, I asked Cavey why he can never see her and acts like other people in her life who only want to see her on holidays or make the effort then? He said my mom's house is close to where he is. Good point. Better point - he's been living at the end of the road that I live on the whole time. There is no reason he can't see her in between holidays and give up his friends and put away the 100 proof dream that the 18 year old he's been hanging out with for over 6 months now is going to finally see that they are destined to ride off in a boat made from Schlitz tabs.

I just never know what the right thing to do is. Give in and allow her the time where she can get it? Or fail at trying to teach him constantly that he needs to be more responsible and that he can't see her unless he's acting responsible.

Apparently he didn't like my Quantum Parenting theories. He hung up on me. And then HL got mad at me for the whole thing happening.

This ain't nothing compared to what reality has waiting for her someday, unfortunately. I just hope she remembers that she always has me and that it will actually bring her a comfort.

You Must Be This Tall To Ride, F**ker

Yes, another phone conversation with Cavey. For those not in the know, he is my Humanling's 'father'. It's in quotes because although we see the actor's name in the script, he's yet to show up for his role.

He called me at work today which he knows that I don't do numbers and anything other than "uh huh......uh huh..........yeah....." very well. I usually won't even answer the phone at my job simply because I don't want to hear about my accidental financial bendings a month later.

He started in with me about not driving all the way down the block to see him.

I started in with him about walking his 100 proof buttocks, "sprained" foot or not, to my place to show Humanling that he is making efforts to see her. {For the record, he hasn't spent time with her in months and he lives down the road. Nor does he thank me for keeping his non child support paying ass out of jail. In his favor, there is already a God - I do not guest star}.

At this point in the conversation he tries to turn things around on me and says that he tries to call all the time. And that "you f**kers don't call me back".

There is silence for a moment as the needle skips across the record.

"Did you just call us f**kers?" I asked.

"Us" means me, the 30 something Heroine that in all honesty, has had a dabble or two in f**kiness in my time. So I probably deserved it somewhere.

However, Humanling is nine. This is a revelation. I'd better move and get on the horn with Santa because clearly she has crossed over in the vile world of F**kers and deserves the Charlie Brown rock for Christmas this year. In fact, I checked her top drawer, where she keeps her jacks and High School Musical day by day calendar photo rip outs and found her F-Club Card.

I couldn't help but to start laughing. Hard. And not With but At him.

I heard the pause as his brain tried to rearrange the last thought and try to make sense of what he just said.

"Well not her. But yes, you." is all he managed.

Still laughing, I excused myself from the phone call and hung up without waiting for his salutations. I mean, with my new classification, I no longer have to, right?

F**ker is as F**ker does.

I am a asset. I swear.

I managed to live off $40 for two weeks in CT. AND I have a car that has not changed its ways to food for fuel.

*Disclaimer - I know so many others have it way worse than me so this is not intended as a poor me stint. You'll know when I'm doing a Poor Me. It'll be the title of the blog.*

OK I cheated a little. I had to stare at the clear purple piggy bank. And it stared right back. It's so cheap that its mouth isn't defined very well...the eyes, at least they have some color but the mouth is facial wallpaper. But I definitely heard it say that Deese is hard times Girl. Go ahead, do whatcha gotta do. HOWEVER, let the burden of Mommy Guilt hang over your head until you pay every cent back.

OKAY ALRIGHT. It was Humanling's Piggy bank...Ohhhh the SHAME! But we had to get by.

We are also very gluten and dairy sensitive. If you want to eat nothing but a piece of broccoli at our home for dinner, swing on by, we're also vegetarian.

What do we eat? Candy of course! And vegetables so that she doesn't tell the authorities how much fun I am and I get arrested. I back that up with a threat of her having to go live with strangers if 'they' come and get me. Strangers will force you to eat meat.

So here we are all kinds of *food sensitive* and being broke asses. Ok, not her really. It isn't her fault that she can't charm the income out of her deadbeat dad, Cavey.

So we go back to life as it was when I was young and on da welfare. Cheap white bread, peanut butter, jelly, cream cheese sandwiches and lots of toast. But no Government Cheese in sight. I still can't believe my mom used to freeze that stuff. For those not having the pleasure of knowing what I'm talking about, Government cheese is what they used to issue to low income households. It was this long, narrow rectangle of orange American or Cheddar. If you left it on the floor, someone would fall over it. If you break it in half, you have book ends. If you can't find your baseball bat, Government Cheese will step in for you.

I sound like a food snob, but well, we kind of have to be for the allergies. The veg thing is a choice - me since 1992, her since birth. When she gets older she will probably date a hunter and start betting on the dog fights. Not only that but the circle of choice becomes only noticable with a spy glass because I try to keep us fairly organic, non GMO da dee da dah.

So as soon as I got paid we spent $1.44 on crickets at Petco. We don't have anything that eats crickets, however, the pre-packaged bundle of slowly suffocating little beings were sitting there at 11 cents a piece. Humanling and I thought of it as a rescue. Now I know what the president must feel like once a year, surveying a gang of turkeys and finding just that one to pardon (who is probably thrown back into the mix to be slaughtered a year later.) Although really, I know it merely is perpetuating a supply and demand streak - on a small scale of course. So we brought them home and opened the bag between the gas station and our home and bid them adieu. I saw one walking around under some sort of plant life and that actually felt pretty cool. I know its the food chain, but it doesn't have to be all sorts of reality tv where its right up in my face. One of them merely flopped out of the bag belly up and really, I want my 11 cents back for that unfreed soul.

So we made it through the broke broke weeks and life went on. Of course I do have my Organic friend who is just the sweetest breaking and entrying person that I could have in my life. She knows how to get into my house, for various reasons, and I have received text messages from her sorta like this:

Her: What r u doing

Me: At park with Humanling What U Doing

Her: In ur bedroom petting cat & guinea pig

Me: Ok. Help Urself to whatever U want

So I come home during our time sensitive Depression to find a note on my door that she got in and put some awesome farmer's market organic veggies in my fridge. Is she not the best Ladies & Gentleman? (Applause would be fine here - standing, even better).

FYI - the last post - Rant - about Cavey, Humanling's loosely termed 'father' - update. He called the day after to 'apologize profusely'. He must have been visited the night before by three ghosts - all of them from AA and predicting a modern day prohibition in his near future if he didn't suck up and call me. I took the opportunity to say umkay, thanks but....now that you're on the other end of the kite, here's the deal....sort of talk. I told him he needs to give some financial support toward Humanling's growing needs. He then proceeded to ask the guy who's cell phone minutes he was burning, if he could borrow $20 to give to me. {Smacks forehead....No no no!!!! YOU have to earn it! Not BORROW it from some other person that you won't pay back!} Then I mentioned that he needed to get his furry ass (that's right. Visual. I brought you all there) here to see her and he said his friend will drive him over (but he can walk fairies through the forest at midnight. Now THAT's chivalry folks - taking care that your 18 year old friend doesn't fall over a branch but allowing your kid to fester a severe daddy complex). So stay tuned....

Ok, not really. Because nothing is going to happen. I swear I will be on the up and up and totally publicly acknowledge if Cavey does anything remotely Parental anytime soon. I can't be held responsible for forgetting though if he finally does something in like 6 months.

Well now that I've had my shot of raw apple cider vinegar, I should get ready to take Humanling out for some coffee shop beverage. I sit and make jewelry, she aggravates me by playing chess where every rule involves further doom for my pieces and anything that I do to gain is cheating.

That's right people, I got paid. I'm hot stuff now. I can buy a beverage at the coffee house and even Borders - Without using my Borders reward card!!! High five - Awwwwww yeah!

Rant!

Just wanted to relay a conversation with Cavey because he is clearly on his own set of rules.

He calls tonight - the first time in HOW long, and says How's the baby. I say that she's asleep because its after Late O'Clock. He says he broke his foot. WTF. He 'broke' his shoulder 2 weeks ago and 'broke' his hand a week ago. I ask how he broke his hand. He says punching something when he found out his uncle died - which is a lie. He already told me that he broke it one day when I stopped over BEFORE he knew anything about his uncle being close to death, and still hadn't yet passed. So I called him on it and he said, "Oh. Then I broke it when I got mad about something else". REALLY? Say it isn't so!

So I ask how he broke his foot. My theory is that he busted it kicking a ringing phone clear across the room that could have been someone calling to give him work. He says his foot found a ditch. So I said that I can never know if he's lying or not because of how he sounds. He said that he was walking 'someone' home through the woods and fell in a ditch. So I said what's the big deal why can't you say who she is because otherwise you wouldn't use 'someone' and its not like I'm going to be mad because I don't care about that. He says *18* of course. The 18 year old girl (mind that he is 33 going on 34 this year.) I have no problem with him with whatever age but if he is going to spend all his time and pocket lint on someone other than his daughter, it had better be an emergency and not another beer run. As soon as *18* turns *21* and can buy her own booze, I'm sure she will have better things to do than walk through the woods with a guy who's body spontaneously breaks everywhere.

So then he said that he was hoping to speak to Humanling and I said IT'S Late O'Clock - why would she be up? Why can't he call when she's awake?? He said he doesn't have a cell now. So I said "I'm going to be straight with you. I know you are having a hard time with stuff right now so this might sound harsh, but you need to get in parent mode. You are not in parent mode at all. " He says "you're damn straight I'm not in parent mode because I don't have a cell" WHAT???? I didn't have a cell when I conceived! How on earth after Humanling's birth could the hospital have let us go home without one? Apparently Virgin Mobile issued me my first parental pass back in 2005 and then I must have crossed that line into Officiality. So I said that if he needed to call *18* or *20*, he'd find a way, or his band, or one of his friends. I then said further that there is no reason he can't come see her. He said he doesn't have a car. IS TOO HARD TO WALK??? Let me tell you the distance to his house from my house. We are basically joined by one road. It takes little over one full minute by car, maybe two on an upwind day, five minutes by bicycle, and about 20 minutes walking to get from mi casa to Dillweed's casa. With his abilities, he could jet fart his way here in less than 10 minutes in small spurts. I said that I understand about his foot right now but there is no reason he can't WALK his ass over here and see her. He is yelling at me at this point, saying something about he can't come see her because I have some puerto rican over etc etc. (This would be about :doot: who isn't PR, [said in Seinfeld] Not that there's anything WRONG with it) So I just said with pristine annunciation Listen you Mother f**king A**hole....and he hung up. IS HE KIDDING???? IS HE F**KING KIDDING????? UGH!!!!! My beloved Humanling does not deserve this. She says things DAILY about him. She wanted to swing by his house tonight on the way to the water park to ask if he will get her off the bus this year. Poor thing. I said fine, ask him by phone, we are not swinging by. I am not taking you there. He needs to come to you and come to our house. I am no longer in the business of making this easy for his ass.

I know its all bad vibes and negative but damn, he pisses me off.

No wonder when I challenged her to a game the other night, it went like this - "What rhymes with car?"

She answered without missing a beat, "My dad drinks at a bar!"

Nuff said!