Psssst. Hey Bub. C'meeeeeyah. Don't tell nobody but if you've always wanted to be known as a parent but didn't want to deal with all that crap that most parents deal with, I gotta let you in a secret. Now its a little like the Freemasons - its an underground deal and not everyone who applies gets the position. I mean you gotta really want it and have the charm to get there.
You can be the star in your very own fable! You *exist* but don't really exist....sort of like the whole Santa Claus-Tooth Fairy-Easter Bunny Trinity. And even with a once a year visit, you will manage to somehow have all of the acclaim of such heavy hitters!
You may want to brush up on your kissing noises over the phone, as they may come in handy to help rope back in any child who is wising up to the fact that the responsibility scale is tipping in favor of the constantly viewed and over rated parent who is perpetually present.
You will also get to make many promises without so much as a second thought as to whether or not you really have the desire to see your child for a full week at Disneyland or can afford that Hannah Montana pogo stick that comes with a free puppy. Oh hell, at least go grab the free puppy so that the Perpetual Parent has a little more work to do. Psshhh! Why not! Be sure it isn't neutered yet either!
You got an easy Kid Card to show your naive friends who think that a) your b*tchy ex is holding back from letting you see your sperm trophy b) all those lies you make up about spending time with said trophy is perceived as truth or c) they must buy you yet another beer because you have no money since you, as an attentive father, have been "paying child support" (wink wink. We know the truth!). Your friends will be amazed at how well you balance your pittance from empties with toliet paper and dollar menu meals. They will be thoroughly impressed that you created another person at all - WITHOUT the instructions! They will come to you for well thought out advice, that you would give someone....if you actually had to be one of those poor saps who the law catches and forces to divvy out more than $20 here and there a few times a year to your gold-digging ex. Damn! Can't she just get a third job? WTF Man?!
Remember to always always promise things that you can't deliver. Be sure to live more or less within bottle rocket shooting distance but be sure to let the ex know that you can't come see the child because you'd have to Walk. If you are called out on walking, you may refer to the Excuses Pamphlet you will receive. Goodies such as "I broke my shoulder", "I hurt my back working" {off the books of course to be sure that child support cannot be bled from your stone}, and "My brother got into a car accident" have worked for many a man who needs his free time, dammit! Otherwise that stupid ex of yours will be cramping your Sauce Time with buddies and *nudge nudge* those underage girls you hang with because you are the Cool Old Guy in a band. You will buy alcohol for these saplings with their money. Why? Because you CAN you stud you! They will PAY you to get the alcohol AND ask you to partake. Not only that but if you find that you have to return the favor, you aren't actually paying anything in child support so you're covered. Dig in to that change jar and don't forget CT's blue laws....by 9pm at the latest and Never on Sunday so find a ride on Saturday to stock up.
*****In all honesty, I wrote this back in early August. I wasn't going to publish it because I just didn't think I should. Humanling's dad is a charmer. If he wasn't, he'd be sober.
I have found out today about more covered up stories and excuses - even pertaining to the day that HL wrote her post about being upset that the Biological didn't call early enough and see her.
Tonight he asked if I'm stopping by my mom's for Thanksgiving. He is now stationed a five minute walk from my mother's house. I said I wasn't sure and told him that he can go there if he wants if he would like to eat with my mom and step dad. After all, I did say Charmer, everyone likes him, including my parents. My dad would probably skin a man right in a church pew if he was all looking the wrong way, but Cavey is in somehow and always will be.
Cavey said he thought he could visit with Humanling at my mom's. Here comes Just To Make a Point. I could have said OK! so that HL can have a few moments to be near the Idea that she has a father, like other kids have dads. And so that she can put her intentions on her dad instead of hugging every male in my life with more gusto and clinginess than I can stand to watch (or allow happen...we are going to have a talk really soon). It upsets me that she is trying to just see what it feels like to have that normal adult male parent affection because she doesn't know enough about it. I'll be honest....neither did I while growing up. And maybe a couple of times I looked at my little girl friends interacting with their dads and wondered what that felt like - to joke around, to be adored by your father and not be terrified of him or want him to disappear.
{Pant Pant....I'm getting winded!}
Instead, I asked Cavey why he can never see her and acts like other people in her life who only want to see her on holidays or make the effort then? He said my mom's house is close to where he is. Good point. Better point - he's been living at the end of the road that I live on the whole time. There is no reason he can't see her in between holidays and give up his friends and put away the 100 proof dream that the 18 year old he's been hanging out with for over 6 months now is going to finally see that they are destined to ride off in a boat made from Schlitz tabs.
I just never know what the right thing to do is. Give in and allow her the time where she can get it? Or fail at trying to teach him constantly that he needs to be more responsible and that he can't see her unless he's acting responsible.
Apparently he didn't like my Quantum Parenting theories. He hung up on me. And then HL got mad at me for the whole thing happening.
This ain't nothing compared to what reality has waiting for her someday, unfortunately. I just hope she remembers that she always has me and that it will actually bring her a comfort.
