I Missed You Guys!

Wow, I never expected to let the blog hibernate for a couple of weeks but as with everything, wax and wane.

You guys had some fabulous comments on the last blog regarding the 17 year old Proposer back in the 80s!

My whereabouts have been basically dabbling in some Facebook here and there, regular nightly emails to Those on my Daily Email list and tons of research.

As far as Facebook goes, I have connected with so many happy phantoms of my past. I had this one amazing job where I was trusted with the title of Music Buyer as a 24 year old. That job was a Par-Tay with matching purse. I regularly cross lines with my ex boss, who back then was my major source of burning hell infernalization. I hated him with all that my not as evolved pre quarter century self could possibly muster. I wished bad things on him at the time. I told him to his face and my other boss's face and I wished bad things on them and their wives. And kept my job because I wasn't violent about it. I was quite Girl about it. With accessorized tears. They were real.

Now though, I really like him. Really. I actually thought he was hot back then. But cocky and smarmy and he used to throw comments at me that should have gone into an HR file, had the world been paranoid about PC verbiage at the time like it is now. I hear he is a musical genius and has perfect pitch. He now works as a professor. He and his wife divorced when he was caught cheating, but he has remarried, so that's all good. I hear my other boss divorced as well.

The words of Tori Amos - The sun is getting dim....will we pay for who we've been, yeah...

Hopefully not. Can we really be punished for our misdeeds of our youth? I know there are so many answers to that. Karma, learning experiences, too much jagermeister and running mascara.

I have not run off with anyone, I am still verifiably single. I won't say whether or not the BC fairy has been by, but I do have some nice friends.

I have an ex who has been Golden to me since the :doot: thing dissolved (which hasn't been put completely to rest as another conversation still needs to take place - his request). I don't really know what to say to :doot: other than I tried. I came back into your life to make amends, not make a new problem, not trick you or hold the football only to yank it away as soon as your foot swings back. I have love for you of course. There is a ton of history. I don't know if its timing or the actual chemistry between us. I am not ready for the commitment or the time involved in an actual relationship. I am still very much in love with my spiritual path and need to walk it, smelling each flower, stroking the bark of every tree, feeding every squirrel and bird on my path. I never wanted to hurt you and never want to hurt anyone else. Which is why until I am sure about who I am, I would like to stay alone.

My ex has been very nice though....he knows the whole deal - the whole enchilada since I won't lie, no matter how much the truth is dressed like a hobo and smells like the fresh cheese section of the grocery store. I will not hide things intentionally so that others can get the wrong idea.

We'll call the ex, Goat. The Goat has heard my tales of empty pockets, bank fees for insufficient funds and worries about Humanling not quite getting as much as I wanted to try to do. I didn't tell the Goat any of this for a handout. I told him because he kept asking me questions or would want to hang out and really, I had a lot of blueprints to draw in how I was going to grab my stagecoach and rob Peter to pay Paul once again. That and worries about the Humanling at times since I really want her to see this integrative doctor in the area. She doesn't take insurance. Ka-BLAM-Ching!

Wouldn't you know that the Goat shows up with a good chunk of cash and hands it to me and instructs me to do the doctor appointment, get that gift card for my mom that I wanted to get her and don't forget the oil change. Then he went online and bought a number of things for Humanling. I told him that this was going to be paid back. So....uh, anyone want to pay him? Ha ha... no, really though. But it won't be for a couple o' months. Can anyone sexily say "Deferred"? You can actually if you roll your tongue and say "Purrrrrrrr" but change it to "De-fuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrred".

So normally, I am not the type EVER to take help.

But I am realizing on my current path that I need to stop doing that. This isn't about me. This is about Humanling's dr appt, my oil change so desperately needed and my mother's grocery store giftcard. I can GIVE whatever I have till the cows come home, unpack their spots and then take off for a mountain top guru. RECEIVING is quite another story. The Heat Miser to the Snow Miser's yang.

I am hard core on this path to really know who I am. How I'm going to change lives. How I'm going to up the ante and make this world truly a better place. Not just by hiding in my house and commenting on Facebook. Not by smiling through slightly gritted teeth at a co-worker who has the capacity to make me push the DESTROY button and saying something nice instead. But those things help. I want to know who I am. And I want to give it all away to everyone, to all of you. To God. I want don't want to erase hurts but I want to help heal them and remind us all to bookmark them for future reference, lest we test the definition of insanity.

I had a craft show a couple of weeks ago. This is the first one where I lost money by booking the space. But I had a good day. I have a few amazing spiritual items and this completely amazing Jesus picture. It's just his face and his eyes look so real. I am coming to terms that I am what could be a Crystal Christian (some call it Wiccian Christian or Pagan Christian). The girl who doesn't want to give up her crystals, tarot or Jesus. I want them all together. I am stoked to see what comes forth for us all in 2012. I am hearing that he's coming back. I meditate but not as deep or as much as I want to. That's being worked on. I have tarot cards. I have seen an angel as a child. I believe. I don't pray to Goddesses because for me they seem too mythological (for ME - I know I'm not the only one with an opinion. I also am rooted in some of my childhood beliefs). I love fairies and vampires but have never encountered a vampiric fairy. Unless mosquitos count.

I saw a girl at this craft fair. Probably between eleven and fourteen years old. I am not sure what her difference was - she didn't talk, she had 'something' up with her development. She was held onto by her mom and was sort of hunched. But we met eye to eye. And she smiled right into my eyes, which then filled with tears. This was a complete transformation. This smile of hers could change the orbits of all Jupiter's moons from millions of miles away. I wish I could have taken a photo. I'd put it on an altar to remind me that this exists. These smiles, these genuine soul smiles.

So basically, I am just one of a zillion folk, trying to find themselves, do the daily and raise an incredible human being.

The latest thing around work is Belt Tightening. Is anyone surprised? A department or two is being erased within our structures and penciled into a third party notebook. For now, I am told, we are safe.

But we are always safe. I am not wishing to lose my wonderful job. They have accommodated me into an endless chant of gratitude. But if it should happen, I want to know that I have figured out what magic is coming out of my wand. Hence, soul searching on top of existing soul searching. The whole When One Door Closes rule. I believe it in fully. On one hand, I don't wish to have to figure myself out tomorrow while re-writing my resume. On the other hand, as with everything for everyone, be who you are Now.

Or as I have heard Byron Katie say, Think of something that you think holds you back. Now think of who you would be without that issue. And then Be that person.