Shhh...Body Language Only

Dare I try to write while the Humanling is awake?  And in the same room????  Well, I'm gonna.  Because I'm strutting today.  I'm feeling like me and Obama...are all bursting we YES WE CAN.    There may also be a cup of French Roast coffee from Starbucks involved.  

I fell off my chastity wagon.  I never wanted to climb on to begin with....I only ended up there because it was far away from my Flipddiction.  I caved and after one two many fruitless fantasies about the man that I've been with for three years, wrote a short email asking for bodily justice.  We've been fighting for a month.  How dare I.  Yeah...how dare I try to go there, to the only place where we are completely ourselves without judgement, without arguing or miscommunication or anything other than giving the Richter scale nightmares.  

He agreed to a visit but said he promised nothing.  His depression has been ordering furniture, new carpets and an in-law room...apparently its getting worse and is really gearing up to be around for a bit despite his meds.  I brought bourbon.  We talked.  We were emotional.  He didn't fight me but insisted he wasn't feeling sexy in the least as I led him and his drink to the bedroom.  His shirt came off with my help during his schpeel about why he wasn't sexy or feeling it.  

Then well....I know how to make it work. And it was like hitting a switch.  BAM!  I feel gluttonous. That's the problem with me.  He gives me a yard, I want a park.  (We do not speak in inches here).  Communication is back open.  Phone calls are no longer barred.  And just thinking about him makes me want to invent rules so I can break them.

He has plenty of reason to be the way that he is as far as circumstance goes.  He did bring a lot of this on himself.  Facing things way too late doesn't help.  If we could have had him on meds two years ago maybe we'd be different now.  

Regardless, I've learned so much through my relationship with him.  So much about people, about myself, about commitment.  I'm baffled - what is commitment really about?  Is it about not cheating?  About taking abuse?  About seeing through mistakes to shine in the end together?  I don't know still.  All I know is that the sighing school girl was back last night, leaning on my open car door after a goodnight kiss, watching him walk away as he went to lock up the chickens.