I'll Argue With You When I'm Done Picking on Your Sentence Structure

It was the right moment to start writing.  And suddenly, my wireless took a bathroom break.  With each growing set of 10 seconds, my panic would escalate.  Then the trump that will forever trip any ace, the outlet was bare.  The cord was pulled out somehow.  

And to further show where my IQ barometer is tonight, I put on the Kardashians.  I may have seen exactly one episode, last year when I was trapped in Chicago for five days.  My verdict....Wow. Reality shows ... can you do one that leaves a person morally intact?

I started writing this tonight about an hour ago.  Once again the WiFi went out.  However, I had to switch the plugs this time (apparently the holes are too loose..tee hee...too much use I guess!).  I enjoyed multiple games of non-internet dependent Solitaire.  

So anything that I probably wanted to say tonight is going to be shy now...it does not produce on cue.  

I did wake up yesterday morning with a feeling that is not often with me.  I simply felt lonely.  I have the best of company with my girl here.   But I woke up remembering what weekend mornings used to be like.  Full of skin, passion and slow savoring.  Then we'd get out of bed and everything would suck.  I remember this well and know that while sometimes I'd love to believe that chemical compatibility is above all, the defining factor of coupledom.  But this Scorpio has just been served  a biblical portion of a lesson.  It just ain't so.  And when I think of what I am possibly missing, I remember the things said to me in just the past week.  Or that FLIP crosses lines and finds his need to storm over here (or when I was living with him as well) into my daughter's space and blatantly wake her up with his need to hand it to me.  It's one of the most wrong things I've ever encountered.  And the sad realization affirming what I've known since month #2.....I was in something that I shouldn't be.

I told myself yesterday that instead of sinking into this batch of lonely, that I also would not pretend it wasn't there.  I would just let it happen as it needed to.  The self-permission alone was more than half of what I needed.  

So I made a great batch of kale chips and watched whatever Harry Potter so that I could enjoy Gary Oldman and Alan Rickman....and whoever that dude is who plays Professor Lupin.  

I drank with neighbors and watched my 29 year old neighbor's 20 or 21 year old girlfriend become what appeared to be insecure...needing a lot of reassurance from him.  And he happily obliged.  But I didn't get it. Was it me?  I'm twice her age.  Maybe I misread the entire thing.

Today I enjoyed rubbing my eyelids.  There is something about rubbing my eyelids where I can feel my fingertips on my eyeball, that feels sooooo nice.  I enjoyed it moreso from home where I can keep my hands cleaner.  

I went through word and meaning battle with FLIP today. But that's normal. It took about 5 emails back and forth for him to seem to understand that I was asking him not to send emails to my job that detail his paranoia of me using him as a 'fuck toy'.  He really does sometmes make me wonder where he rates on a scale of narcissism.  I recall the beginning of our relationship...one of those early fights where he screamed why am I with him...and then offered me an answer.   was it because he is good looking?  If I had a hard on at that point, it would have died.  I have no place for narcissists.  

And now with all the WiFi interruptions and bourbon and need to give myself a foot massage, I bid you all a night of blessings.