Forty Sit on my Bum

Dear 41,



Thank you.



Love,



Sarcasm.





Forty-one has started off quite strangely for me this year! Perhaps to keep me surprised and not thinking that just because I've gained another year, that I've gained foresight and an abundance of wisdom.



A couple of days before my birthday, we had a cupcake contest at work...one that involved a fog machine, cut wood, homemade buildings and everything you might think you have to do if you've ever watched an episode of Ace of Cakes. I must mention....we did a 10 second dance. From Thriller. I wonder if I should subscribe to Elderly Embarassment at this point since out of the four of us, three of us were in our 20s. I know, I rechecked my drivers license. I wasn't one of them.



The day was spent in a ridiculously hot conference room, with candies, cookies and all sorts of sugar incarnations surrounding us. I made a few killer werewolves that I'd committed to memory from the internet. It was a great time had by all! And the first day of Uh, What is Going on With my Body?



I spent the day in a sweat....my face a nice shade of beet. And although I am the Queen of All that hugs and loves a sugar droplet, on this day, I didn't touch a drop, but for a HALF of a Milano cookie. For reals.



The next day I noticed that I was hot and chilly.....sweating and shivering. And funny enough, maybe I felt a few weird pains in odd places...but wasn't sure.



I was sure two days later however, when I realized that even though I was at work and had plenty of space to work, I couldn't concentrate, would start heating up out of nowhere and then would go through teeth chattering alternately. After a number of pain zingers in my thigh, ankle, hip and wrists, I decided that since 2/3 of our home was being treated for Lyme disease, perhaps I wasn't as lucky as I thought.



One last zinger caused my finger to pop over to the telephone and dial my longtime doctor. 3:15? Leave work early? Well.....Ok.



When I got there I found out that I had a 102.7 fever (yes! Validation for leaving early!). Now being the day before my birthday, my doctor had a couple of fun things in mind to help me celebrate. First, a deep up the nose swabbing for a flu test. VIOLATED! Also, a blood test for Lyme (normally not an issue but either I was sensitive or this particular needle operator was NOT a smooth vampire). And then the red ribbon gift - ordered to stay in bed with fluids for the weekend. WHAT?!? But it's my birthday!



Even if I don't feel like getting out of bed, it's still my birthday.



What did I really want for my birthday? I don't know. I thought it might involve a marriage and a bookstore. Or a marriage TO a bookstore.



What it was though was as wonderful as it could have been for how crappy I was feeling. My mate gave me a wonderful 10 year old Bonsai tree with tools! I am so Mr. Miyagi! However, I didn't yet have the ambition to read the instructions or do much with it.



My handsome honey was then kind enough to somehow stumble on a great video about crows and watch most of it with me. I heart them and well, he has his reasons for viewing them as ominious creatures. We also caught a wonderful video of Steve Martin doing a song called....THE CROW! Talk about surprises....I had no idea that Steve Martin played the banjo!



I tried to take a walk with him and the dog but cried for much of it. In fact, cried a lot during this illness. Commercials, NPR, my bonsai, the neighbor asking me how I'm feeling....it all crumbled me to tears. I started to wonder who the hell kicked me out of my mind and body and took the controls.



Even my sleeping mind....nightmares. That someone was trying to kidnap me and that feeling of running, hiding, curling up under things. Trying to scream and no voice comes out. Nightmares about evil spirits posessing my body and floating me around a dark room. I suppose a major lack of control.



I am on doxycycline....even though my Lyme test also came back negative. I suppose the failure rate has something to do with it. But my shooting pains have not gone away.



In the meantime, I have this gorgeous 20 wk size tumor that graces my otherwise slender body. Like a garter snake that swallowed a pregnant bison. That's me. I'm waiting for folks at work to ask when I'm due as soon as I become terrible at sucking in my gut. And this thing wants attention!

Apparently in the last 11 months it seems to have grown more than usual. And then there's the bleeding that started a few days after I started enjoying my new relationship with antibiotics. This week, I will have another non celebratory ultrasound to take a look at my perfectly large, round fibroid.

I will say this ahead of time....I have no idea what is in store. I'm fairly young and usually optimistic...until left alone in my head! I did recently have a CBC and that was normal. Earlier this year, the first ultrasound displayed the same sphere of mass, and I was told it was fine.

I am searching for that silver lining....that thread that I grab onto in most, if not all, situations and decide that things are and will be fine.

As I hold out my hand toward this Friday, I'm pretty sure that I feel the sweet smooth thread, just waiting to expose how good things really are.