Make Amends, Make Nightmares, Make New Amends

I am currently listening to yet one more podcast on one of my favorite dudes - Dr. Bruce Lipton.

I'm also cooking rice balls. And no, no one that I know.

I got the communication axe today from the :doot:. I also received an email a number of days ago from a friend of mine that I 'grew up with' in my 20's. She, like me, like many people, are reassessing who they are, the things that they've done and going back to make certain things clear or make amends or explain themselves to others that they've exposed themselves to in the past.

I myself had re-lit the bonfire this year by sending a snail mail to the :doot: to apologize for past deeds while re-assessing my life after Turd Van B, plopped himself out the door. Perhaps reassessments should fall under the Don't Dial While Drunk category because it seems to shake the frail foundation that was already on a dangerous fault line.

These things have a way of opening up past stitches for some. With :doot: I kept having the feeling that I should send him the letter to make amends and if he wished, let it go. There were no strings attached, no contact needed. I just wanted to try and smooth the kinks of the karmic past.

It turned out that the reconciliation caused for both of us, an immeasurable amount of strong feelings and we decided to get back into it with each other. Only I wasn't ready. I have not been alone in my adult life without a partner for very long, ever. Once Turd left, it was finally my chance to see who I am and pursue the energies that I have been trying to wrap myself in.

Eventually I felt it wasn't right for me to be a part of a union anymore. I went into it too fast, too excited by the doors being open that I had thought were merely props. Then I found that spending time together, although enjoyable, was not adding to my life as I wanted it to. That I wasn't 'done' figuring out who I am or what I would need from a relationship. Especially bringing Humanling into things.

Am I truly this wrecking ball that coldly destroys relationships with one brush against the self destruct button? Do I purposely sabotage them? I didn't think so. I just wasn't ready. And told :doot: so. And it generated a lot of animosity of which I feel bad about.

On my personal path down the laundry chute, my reality has told me that there is no blame. Circumstances are what they are. Turd and I were in a very unhappy marriage that I tried with all of my cellular structure to make right on an hourly basis. (Note: it's tough for a Pollyanna to be married to someone who is bi-polar and tried to take his own life). The marriage path for us wasn't working to our benefit, so he did the right thing and left. That doesn't take away the tremendous pain that went with it but I don't like to keep my shoulders down for the count. I don't let it go to Three.

And as much as I wanted to blame him for everything that followed, I knew he made the right choice and really, I blamed myself for staying in a tense situation. I should have left as soon as he had issues with everything I wore or who I spoke with. I should have left when he threatened to leave me because he got me pregnant. But I didn't. All of it made me resolve to fix it up even better.

So why is it that I try to nip things in the bud with :doot: and come clean that I feel my energies need to not be stretched as thin, that my intuition tells me that I need to stay on my spiritual and parental path, and I end up in a dirty ten gallon hat carrying a sawed off shotgun and a coil of rope intended for my next victim?

It makes me sad because now I am trying to wrestle with myself not to judge. Not to be disappointed that I thought we were both going to be in a grown up relationship and part nicely, like they do on TV and found that I am on the playground, wearing fake pearls and an adult's dress and shoes that are too big? I'm sad that I thought we could settle this in this lifetime with grace and that he folded two rounds ago.

He mentioned that although he doesn't wish me into a freefall, he also does not wish me happiness and mentions that I might find this petty. As a person who is single handedly raising a child, yes I do find it petty. I don't have downtime for heartbreak. I have a little being who depends on me and my vibe very much affects her and her health. I'm sorry that :doot: cannot know this feeling. Maybe it just comes with the whole alien experience of a person coming out of your body.

I'm not trying to create a Vs seesaw. I'm trying to milk the teats of one more failed relationship to extract and analyze and avoid for the next time. I know I did the right thing. The energy is not being wasted for either of us. Him wanting more and me wanting to go back into hibernation from relationships. Or as one of my friends tells me ( Hi Ham - yes, it's you!) if it was right, I'd want to spend every moment with him. I can try to open my mouth to argue with that but I know she's got me beat. Simplistic as it sounds, she has given me the permission to realize that I can put the key down. No matter how much I try, it won't fit the lock.