Currently, my list is propped against the legs of a sleeping 13 year old. It's another straw in the ice cream kind of heat around these parts.The child gets to sleep with me in the living room a la air mattress while our one tiny fan makes white noise that convinces us we feel just a teensy bit cooler.
In the meantime, I've put some butter out to soften because the devil in me sleeps in the daylight and I say no to things like potato chips. However, sitting here right now with this Blue Moon beer, I'd love someone to rub crunchy cheese doodles all over me and be sure not to miss my teeth!
It was a day where my self esteem and patience is once again tied to hearing from Flip. I did hear from him today and then I didn't. And he did suggest we hang out "this weekend", reiterating that Friday is "the weekend" and in my mind, Friday is "today". I know he hasn't been feeling well in the last couple of weeks. I believe it is the Lyme taking over him again. So he again, sounded as though I wouldn't see him tonight as he was feeling crappy. I reminded him that we lived together for a long time. I mean for someone who's bowel habits I know nearly every detail of, you're going to get self conscious on me now? But the important point really was if you love someone you are there for all of it. Not just the pretty moments. And lately we haven't had many of those.
Sometimes I just want to be courted. That doesn't mean spend all you have on me. It means simply to be romantic and make me feel like you are thinking of me all day...when things are also good, not just when they are bad and you feel like you're sitting in the eject seat.
He invited me over, and I only had about 90 minutes to spend with him. But we sat and watched a show on Africa, then the Mets/Yankees game. There were at the end a couple of tense moments that I couldn't find appreciation for and decided to just be quiet. I could only make it known in XX language that I didn't agree...."I'm sorry that you feel that way". And then I focused heavily on Thich Nat Hahn....WWTNHD? Well, he wouldn't sit there and kindle an argument. But he also would probably be more proactive on peace and joy. I went somewhere that I could handle....watching the game, saying nothing. Trust me, much better than me saying something. And I suppose it paid off it some way. It certainly didn't create new fires, so that's a plus.
It was the Teen's last day of school today. I've unfortunately forgotten to log some hours for my last paycheck so we have basically around $20 for gas and food until next Friday....unless I can tweak something. So yeah, I was a sourpuss for awhile. I wanted to take her for something special since she completed 7th grade. Even if her teacher kinda sucked in the bolstering of self-esteem department, telling her last week, "I don't even know how you got into the 7th grade." I told my daughter she should have retorted with "I don't even know how on earth you can be a special ed teacher" but she said she would have gotten in trouble...and true that, she would have. But it would have been worth it.
So I wallowed for a bit wondering what to do for her today. And then thought about that universal balm...ice cream. I signed off for lunch with my job and walked her down to our local bakery, which notably, also has an ice cream bar. I checked online first to be sure that I had enough money to purchase a banana split for us to share. I pep rallied her into that banana split since she'd never had one. One long ass line later, I ordered a banana split and heard a reply of "A what?" I mentioned that it was on the online menu. She said she didn't believe they made those, checked with "someone" and no, they don't. So I revised the order to something with hot fudge and was told that they aren't doing hot fudge right now. So I declined to order anything and knew the scalding temperament that would await me when I delivered this news. I did promise her to go to the ultimate homemade ice cream place once I signed off the for the day from work though. We went, we fully enjoyed. It was worth it. I would have qualified as Crappy Parent Extraordinaire had we done nothing at all.
I have found yet another layer as to who I am really am. I am unfortunately what I never wanted to really be. I'm a million Stand By Your Man country songs coated in a tough candy shell. I want to just flee from all the fights, all the tough things that relationships really are. But I can't seem to do that. My heart couldn't give two shits about the memo.
It seems right to me when I read these words:
Happiness and bliss should be found right in suffering.
It is suffering that makes us understand.
It is the experience of suffering that can bring about our compassion and understanding.
So the attitude of running is not a wise one.
We have to confront the suffering. We have to embrace tenderly our pain and suffering.
We have to look deeply into the heart of suffering, into the nature of suffering, in order to really see the path of transformation and healing.
~Thich Nhat Hanh
It is suffering that makes us understand.
It is the experience of suffering that can bring about our compassion and understanding.
So the attitude of running is not a wise one.
We have to confront the suffering. We have to embrace tenderly our pain and suffering.
We have to look deeply into the heart of suffering, into the nature of suffering, in order to really see the path of transformation and healing.
~Thich Nhat Hanh
That's me...the runner. But I haven't sprinted out of this universe yet, which is my actual inclination when things get tough. Thich....How to confront the suffering? I need bulletpoints Thich! Or I will need them. Tonight instead I can go to bed anticipating that I will be spending the night with Flip tomorrow, that it will be all the comfort and familiarity and answer to desire that it always is.
