I got an Obama for my Birthday

I have thought to myself a few times, how shall I capture my 43rd birthday? Such highs, such lows.  Mercury in Retrograde is bored of boredom and wouldn't allow it.  The kids in town, after having all last week off due to Hurricane Sandy, were also off yesterday on Election Day.  My mother told me all of my life that I was an Election Day baby, eager to assign me a "holiday".  My brother also has a political holiday - Pearl Harbor.  

Waking up as a single mom on a birthday is really going to test you on how much of a tune up in perception is needed.  Joyous?  Yes, in so many ways.  One of my friends from the formative years passed away at about age 36.  So I think of her, her kids and now granddaughter, who she never laid eyes on.  I am blessed, a lucky one indeed to be able to see my own kids and see my grandson in photos on Facebook.  Not the optimum situation but I'm here and I was able to lay eyes on the next generation of my lineage.  

Meanwhile my Humanling couldn't give a pebble of a crap about sentiment.  Eventually I asked for a happy birthday from her as she was more concerned with the Wii and her slot to own the television.  

I made my coffee, did the dishes and wanted to go vote.  Flip and I agreed to go together.  Due to things he already had to do, it would be put off for many hours.  I did yoga instead.  Incense, vanilla candle and Soundscapes on one of those channels on the television that would give me the right vibe.  Humanling came in and decided to write during my yoga session, eventually asking me about the music choice, which she liked.  

On the way to the track to do some walking, I thought it would be the best time to eat a cupcake with a giant head of frosting.  This frosting is worthy of being writ of from the best literati's of the world.  Unbelievable. 

Once at the track, I took out my dog-eared Dracula paperback.  Humanling decided to walk with me, trying to emulate with an American Girl book.  I tried to guide her since I believe walking and reading are pretty damn awesome.  And if it weren't for my ability to do so, I'm sure I'd log less miles.  A helicopter flew overhead and we took photos.  We did yoga poses on the track.  And I talked her into walking a full mile by waiting until she was halfway there to tell her only two more laps and you've made a mile!  It worked.  She gallantly did her mile and then walked off to sit in the car (NOT touching the radio as I'd instructed).  

I took another 2 rounds alone and then we left.  Eventually Flip came by bearing gifts.  The best of them, a poem he wrote for me. He is 42 and this is his first time plunging into the poet pool.   He spoke familiar of the staying up all hours to get it the way he wanted it....as the creative process is want to do.  When it wants to come out, it won't let you rest.  

The poem itself was incredible.  The artist in him truly came out.  There was so much concept to it.  

We voted.  We ate, the kid was carsick on the way there and back.  We tore off to his place for some adult time.  A fire was blazing, we spoke for a bit.  We finally went down to the bedroom after being in the living room chatting for nearly an hour.  He wanted to watch some election coverage....not my idea of foreplay but ok, I can be flexible.  

Once downstairs, he is saying such wonderful, deep things.  I could hear his soul in his words, and part of me wanted to just go with it and follow that unicorn....another part wondered what is real and what is any sort of manipulation, if at all.

Vulnerable, naked and just finally warming up under the cool blankets, the phone rang.  

The voice on the phone announced it was Ex Girlfriend calling.  Right Now.  On my birthday, right before Stuff was going to happen.  He said to me, great timing.  I'll deal with that later.  Then she started to talk on the machine as he tried to continue kissing me.  I'll admit that I was not ok with this.  Yes, it is me in his house, it is me that he says he loves (although he has also told me that he loves her - but you know, as a friend).  I have been unfavorably compared to her in the past and emotionally and mentally beaten up for having guy friends or exes in my life.  I have learned to burn them all at the stake for relationship's sake or else be interrogated with "logic" that falls in his favor.  Why am I friends with them?  Do I have a long history with them like he does with her?  Are we really "friends"?  This is what I used to go through.  It is embedded in my psyche.  And when I hear her voice on the machine, it pisses me the eff off because I am expected to be cool with it.  

How cool would he be?  I do wonder, although I wouldn't purposely bring about a life lesson for him to deal with.  But I do know that it will happen at some point.  That's how life is.  

Wasn't it he, who showed up in my driveway trying to see if I was home yet, back in September, thinking that I didn't see him do it?  Didn't he berate me because he thought that I was on a date?  

The hypocrisy disturbs me.  I feel that one reason he needs this person in his life is to validate his own desirability.  His sense of self greatly depends on the outside world seeing him as superior with intelligence, body strength, and his looks - including being in shape.  We all want that, right?  Of course we do.  But he seems to need it more than the average boo boo bear.  He has told me himself that he could "have her back whenever he wanted" and then continues to keep her in his life.  Well why else would you do that but for an ego boost?  She hides him from her own boyfriend and does not admit to speaking with Flip. Rushes him off the phone if the boyfriend comes home.  How good is that?  

So yes.   The call disturbed me.  Greatly.  I voiced it.  He got mad.  I started to get dressed.  He shouted at me that I was not trying.  So I lay back down and gave the green light that I was conceding for now but that he will have to accept any and all that I let into my life without crap.  He continued to shout and then shouted at me that I wasn't doing anything to make it better, that I was being like ice.  I haven't read 50 Shades of Grey...I'm not entirely sure how to incorporate angry shouting into foreplay.  I wasn't sure what he wanted me to do.  When he wouldn't stop, I finished getting dressed and since his car was at my house, needed to bring him with me.  He shouted at me for a good part of the ride until I pulled over and told him that we weren't moving until he stopped.  I had to pull over three times for a seven minute ride.

I don't get how he doesn't understand.  I heard her message - playing 'phone tag'.  Well that would mean that he called her last.  I don't ask who he calls or when.  I decided with the day by day status that it would all be don't ask don't tell.  And then no one gets mad.   But when the info is offered, that's different.  He has never told me that he speaks to her unless I have asked. Then I get the run down. Or what he decides to tell me.  Usually he throws it on her, as She is doing the calling.  I sort of doubt she is doing all of it....especially since the phone tag comment.   I decided to stop asking because it's just not helpful.  Now he is throwing the past in my face.  And I throw it back.  I am the monster you've created because of your controlling, manipulative and overbearing ways.  And you don't like it.  You think you can change it.  Let a dog smell a steak and whack it on the nose for three years every single time it smells a steak.  Then one day decide to give it a steak to eat.  What will the dog expect?  That's how it is . 

Don't compare me in arguments unfavorably to this ex of yours who has run the gamut of relationship offenses and chalk it up to her "drug addiction" and then get mad at me when she calls when we are in bed on my birthday.  A little understanding would be great instead of acting like I have offended You.

The rest of the night was high and low.  I held a sick guinea pig in my lap for hours and tried to give him water and food, which he would not take.  I did my best to make peace with the situation and try to keep him comfortable and give him love. Flip emailed and phone bombed.  He wouldn't let me speak so I finally pulled the batteries out of the phone.  The raising of his voice caused me to raise mine in order to be heard.  I let him speak but it was the same old when I tried to.  He'd interrupt relentlessly.  I didn't need to keep torturing myself in the last hours of my birthday.  He started sending back responses that told me he wasn't reading my emails anymore, just deleting them.  I decided eventually to cease contact as I was becoming more frustrated and upset.   I watched the election results, feeling sick doing so, not being sure where things would end up.  The results came like a bolt of lightning.....all of a sudden it was announced.  I rejoiced and then stayed up to watch Mitt Romney concede....for I wouldn't be able to sleep without at least that.  The country back in President Obama's hands, I went to sleep.  

We now brace for a nor'easter....rain?  Snow?  Not sure.  But I have some hours ahead of me today sans kid.  Do I spend my gas, driving to the Buddha house so that I can take photos and probably see it for the last time before they close in January for a few months?  Do I stay here and clean house (ew) and catch up on reading?  That sounds good too.  Exercise will be important though....perhaps today will really be a hula hoop & yoga day!  I can read and hoop.  Oh the choices!  But I do need to get up off my grouchy butt and do something.  

Perhaps I overreacted yesterday.  Perhaps my initial reaction was not an overreaction but it only got worse with his reaction to mine.  He does not like my statements about it being fine to be friends with who he wants, so long as he accepts my choices and what makes ME happy about who I have in MY life.  I stressed, so long as there is no threat to the relationship.  

I've learned the most from this relationship. It has a lot to offer in the way of learning opportunities.  At the same time, I don't know that I really want Relationship Bootcamp.  I think I'd be happy at times to move on to nothing for awhile or being with someone of an easier temperament.  No relationship has held such serial combativeness.  Just this one.  

So happy birthday to me.  The only realization that I've made lately is that I've lost my happiness mojo for a bit and will need to struggle to force it back upon myself.  The urge to write, to read, to BE....it's a bit high up on the shelf and I'm struggling to reach it.  But reach it I will.  Maybe today I'll climb a shelf, for it is the harder thing to do.

Change of the Same Plans

My cat kept assembling and re-assembling herself on top of me this morning at an early hour. Tail swooshing by the mouth (huge Eww factor), delicately but firming placing cool little paws on my face to get my attention. The animals in this house do not allow for late sleep.

The starling is such a sleek and gorgeous black bird, I am noticing as the morning sun hits him just right. The animal kingdom scatters such beautiful eyes in various species.

Ah peace, I hardly knew ye. As I write, M. HH (he can resort to being Monsieur Honey instead of Monsieur Hee Haw, aka Ass when things are different) is starting with me first thing. He is not very good at remaining silent for long. There is usually quite the long diatribe and monologue that occurs when he convinces himself that he has been slighted. And if that isn’t good enough, he’ll harass so much that a person will react, giving him new ammo to enjoy teeing off on. I’m not very good with having my space invaded…that includes the space in my head. When I need distance and a person insists on crowding it whenever and wherever they can, ignoring my pleas to just give me some time, the Pollyanna braids unwind and a cornered animal will bite eventually.

I had to leave with Miss Humanling and head out for a bit. We had breakfast at a small café. Humanling rather adores the restroom there. She has a thing for restrooms and likes to try them all out, reporting back to me the décor in one or the music played in another. We then hit up the library to use the computers since mine was home, SIGH, with M. HH. We did not use their bathroom this time. Then we were off to get coffee with a girl that I’d been meaning to have coffee with (or some sort of beverage) for nearly a year. Only M. HH got in the way because he felt I was up to no good. So we walked in town, had our iced coffee and eventually she walked me to a deli that I hadn’t yet tried. I ordered a nice mozzarella sandwich but didn’t realize they’d heat it. I have to say, now that I’ve had the not melted fresh mozzarella, I really am not interested much in the hot kind. It’s too chewy and sort of has this choking effect on me, like if I try to swallow it, it won’t quite go down nicely.

I was able to chose out a book for my father today, a nature book of some kind….ah, yes, here it is… Summer World by Bernd Heinrich. My dad seems to love nature. I really like giving him books that he likes. We aren’t very close but I do enjoy picking out books for him.
Just now searching for that link, I think of buying something from Amazon. Must Control Myself. I need to do this trip to Arizona in August and also must purchase a baby shower gift for my wee little Wolfie grandson.

Unfortunately I had to come home and he can’t bear silence so the barrage of my wrong doings were surrounding me in everything he could think to say. Finally when I answer, he runs out the door screaming, which means that the grand standing has occurred for our poor landlord who comes here on weekends to escape this sort of thing from NYC.

We are supposed to have family over tomorrow, yet he called my parents and my therapist and his friends and probably his mom and the landlord to make sure he gets his victim side in so that he can hit everyone up before me….which is silly because I did not call anyone. I came home to an email from my therapist to please let her know I’m ok, which is very nice of her. No, I’m not ok. I am going insane because I am being badgered and emotionally and verbally beat up by someone who doesn’t have a pause button. And it’s been going on for 4 days now. I don’t have patience for this.

So Humanling and I left the house to buy tomorrow’s menu for guests. Poor Humanling has been tired and unwell the past few days on top of it. Dragging her around is so unfair. But there is no peace to be had here. She cannot lie down and rest with him not letting things be.
So I’ve decided since he isn’t being a help for me for tomorrow, that I had to prepare a menu. He was going to do the cooking. As it stands now, I’ve had to throw something together. I am a longtime vegetarian and my family is not. So I have bought two already prepared and cooked on the spit chickens for legs and wings. Some of those round wraps in order to make quesadillas on with horseradish cheddar on one and sharp cheddar with sautéed shallots and pieces of white chicken meat on the other, devilled eggs, those delish refrigerated pickles, fresh strawberries from the garden, along with blueberries that I bought today, corn on the cob, and a few wonderful chocolate cakes, a cholesterol driving lemon cake and potato chips. I think I’ll do ok.
Tonight I must clean those guinea pig cages so the Pigphonic Symphony does not stink tomorrow for guests. M. HH decided to let the bathroom stink and go to hell for months (he has more home time than me since he isn’t currently employed so I think it is fair for him to deal with that). That one I will have to explain to the family. Sorry Fam.

Eventually poor Humanling needed to rest. I am rather worried about her. Perhaps all the fighting is really exhausting her.

Eventually M. HH left and I decided to see my Mr. Crows since I hadn’t visited with them yet today and firmly believe in animal habits. I can’t go a day without seeing them unless necessary. So when I go to Arizona, I will miss them. They were omni-present today, three of them showing up in one of their posts. I took photos and fed them. I also took more photos of the mockingbird flipping out on them for existing in the same neighborhood. As I stared and watched their behavior, M. HH showed up in his car with his dog and said things….I couldn’t really hear him, he mumbles to begin with and both of our voices are shot at this point. He mentioned that he saw one Mr. Crow take a peanut and fly away. That is nice that he told me. I do see that however because they usually swoop down right after I take a few steps away. I guess he doesn’t know the routine as well. He pulled up as I was watching Mr. Crow being dive-bombed by two mockingbirds. Mr. Crow followed for a bit around the block and I was fairly certain that I was never going to finish the page in the book that I was reading on this walk. For the walk I am reading A Pig In Provence. The library’s copy of As Always, Julia, might not withstand the juggling of the peanuts, camera and fact that I will use anything as a bookmark, including an abandoned arm, it were available.

But being interrupted by the soft swoop of Mr. Crow landing in a tree to say to me, “HEY! May I have some more of that treat that you have there just for me? “ is worth it. I think I detect behavior, and I’m not sure, that is leading others in his family to the food. For instance, he will show up, I will feed and immediately he will show up shortly when he couldn’t have finished what I already gave him. Then I will notice that he is allowing another member of his gang to have it and is coming to me for his own. Other times I have seen them beat each other up slightly for dibs. One of those Mr. Crows certainly feels pretty daring as far as proximity to me goes. He will come down to the ground fairly close to me. Eventually I will test him and see if I can get him to come even closer but for now, this is good. And they have given me opportunities for wonderful photos.

Well, now that I’ve enjoyed my dinner of fruits, cheese slices with oil, pepper and salt along with a nice piece of bread, I suppose I shall roll up my imaginary sleeves and do the Shit Shuffle on those cages.

Enjoy Mr. Crow, standing so handsomely with his beak open, about to eat his vittles.

#WhyAmIStillHere?

Today has been a back breaker for me. I’ve spent any time at home in Humanling’s room, squashed next to her on the bed, reading.

She did have a field trip scheduled today but woke up with her belly feeling Non Field Trippish. So as a good mom will, I had her rest in bed and try to feel better. I then called the school so that after all the back and forth that has gone on between me and the school over the last month wouldn’t result in a giant glittering question mark. I was to pick her up earlier than the trip ended, 2 hours away, because I figured she’d fall asleep on the way back and was prone to a seizure on stage for all of the sixth grade to have burned in their memories. I opted to pick her up early once they shunned off my requests to actually go on the trip.

I figured that I’d go to the store to get the tummy supplies…the crackers, the clear soda, things of the like to help her be comfortable. When I got home, I walked into her room and she burst into tears saying that Monsieur Hee Haw, the artist formerly known as Monsieur Honey, had yelled at her. Why he was reprimanding her for something from last night once I was out of the house is a mystery to me. Where’s Janet Jackson when you need her? Cuz I’m hearing “Con-trooooolllll”.

I merely went up and looked at him, waiting for the explanation. It wasn’t a good enough one so the Event that lead up to my inability to sing “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes…singing AAAAAA-YO, gotta Leeeeeet Go” commenced. Yes, I blame M. HH on why my voice sounds like Kathleen Turner with a cold.

Poor Humanling…no rest at home. I piled her into the car along with a number of older newspaper sections from the New York Times that I keep meaning to read, along with Year in Provence. She brought her own bag of stuff. We eventually parked outside of the library….at 8am. The library doesn’t actually open until 10am. I thought this to be quite the challenge but we had enough reading material, crackers, sprite and my very own gluten free biscuit from the café downtown , to keep us happy. I read. Quite a bit. Humanling played her DSi and also shared some of the finer chapters of Girl’s Book of How To Be the Best At Everything. Like freaking people out in the elevator. Stuff that would get me committed at this age.

We watched a short bus pull up with a pile of what looked like pre-school kids and they all lined up and went into the library. EARLY. Wha?? We watched with Admission Envy and felt like the velvet ropes were actually a moat. Ok, no big. They can’t really even read yet so how long will they really be in there? Plus, I had to pee. And the thought of all those little inexperienced bladders made me realize that I might end up doing the Pee Dance.

A little later on, ANOTHER line of little ones shows up. WTH?? The bathroom was shrinking in the distance. The first group came out and now at this time, we passed the two hour test of sitting in the car for 2 hours and could enter as well.

The weird thing about the positioning of the bathroom is that it is directly behind a row of computers. So if you happened to want to go into the bathroom to let out a lil old biscuit of air in order to be Pure Air Compliant, it wouldn’t matter…someone would hear it. And God forbid someone stinks it up…as soon as the door opens, the computers will crisp and the users will asphyxiate.

I always tell myself that I won’t stock up on books….I have enough to read here at home. But I couldn’t help myself! I picked up As Always, Julia: The Letters ofJulia Child and Avis DeVoto. While I’m on the French reading, it seemed appropriate. I also picked up Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. It was a gift to me about two decades ago from an ex-boyfriend’s mother. I was enamored with her. Well, either that or he got it for me but the story sounds better if she did. It meant a lot to me then and to this day I can’t remember a word of it. So will be re-experiencing that at a different phase of life. I picked up one pretty old book, written I believe in the 1940s on Crows, Ravens, Jays, etc. I love old books. Plus just want to see what they knew back then about my Mr. Crows.

So the other night I mentioned that I had crabs. I was wrong. I had crab. One had died and I wasn’t really sure if he was just staying still or not until the next morning when I saw that he hadn’t moved and now his claws had been removed. Apparently the other crab was a little stressed out about this. The body and shell were taken away and today I thought we should get him a little friend as they enjoy being in a pack. Unfortunately, I was really getting a friend to keep another corpse company. That one also gave up. I’m guessing that it had the same affliction as Jerry Garcia…as soon as stuff gets cleaned up, the body gives out. We will need to pick up a couple more as soon as we can. Meanwhile I have tried to console the little dude with a piece of grape.

Eventually we came home and I found a nasty, paranoid and really whackadoodle type note asking me basically, SO – who was it that I called at 6:30am at X number? And why did I run out to the store so early? Was I picking up a stash of minutes for my defunct cell phone??

First off, I wasn’t even out of bed at 6:30am. And he was in the same room as me so let’s change it to Dipshit Status, shall we? Second of all, I made Une phone call – after 7am – to the nurse’s office at the school. The number he was waving in the air like the Flag of Opposition Defeat and all that is Ah-HA, was out of state and I don’t believe anyone was using the phone at that time. So the real question here is - why am I being checked up on? It’s easy to check an INCOMING number. Checking the outgoing is different. He “claims” he was looking for a number to call which I don’t buy because he is self professed at being amazingly good at remembering digits, which I am a witness to. So we must conclude, Bull and Shit.

I will say, I was a bit incensed over this. Really? Gotta root around for a problem that doesn’t even exist? I was out buying groceries for a sick kid. Why do I have to defend myself? I’d rather say nothing and allow him to stew in it than have to report what I was doing. I know where I was and who I called and when.

We agreed in the past that there would not be any Facebook posting or friend calling to boo effing hoo to when the fan splatters it all over the place. I kept my end of the deal. I am blogging, true. But I’m not put up the status or calling my friends or my mother. I am alone in this. I tried to go to sleep last night and he wouldn’t stop harassing me and at the end of it was “Did you post anything on Facebook?” and when I wouldn’t satisfy his curiosity, he had to ask again. So I did have to answer to that one to get some sleep.

I did get to take a one mile walk today…very lame since I usually do two. But I didn’t trust that if I left Humanling for long in her room that M. HH wouldn’t prey on the weak and find a reason to yell at her again. I did see Mr. Crows….the main one found me on an off road where we usually do not meet. I heard the rustling in a nearby tree and of course, offered him his daily vittles. Then he followed me to the parallel street and gave me a soft ‘caw’ as he flew over me to the next tree. Smart Mr. Crow, I say to him. He sure is a cutie and brightens my day. When I think to myself, gee, if I move away from here, what will I miss? I will Miss Mr. Crows. All of them, but that one especially. So I’d have to drive up here daily and just feed them and go. More time can be spent on the weekends.

I’d miss tons of stuff but since I’m still pissed about being told a bunch of demeaning things about my mothering, about myself and about my role in the fault, I am not feeling nostalgic for M. HH. Especially because he snoops. He snooped again today. Went under my laptop to pull out notes that I wrote to myself. Yes, to myself. Because I had agreed not to go to my friends or mom or facebook with our issues. So who can I tell? I was chastised for my own notes to me, saying they were lies and was I saving it for the therapist? Who’s business is that? And why am I being checked up on?

I decided while I was out to get my favoritist sandwich ever at a local mom and pop deli. A fresh mozzarella (they make it there) on a soft roll with fresh basil, oil and balsamic vinegrette. A delight! I decided to buy HIM the sandwich that he usually gets….rather expensive gift to get someone when they are turning important situations that involve your children into something about them because they can’t bear not to be in the spotlight.

When I got in the door and came up the stairs, Humanling in tow, M.HH was on the phone and stated that he would like privacy and space and that Humanling was not allowed upstairs right now or to be in the same room with him. So after declaring war on her with the wrappers the other day, now he is saying that she HAS to eat in her room. Hypocrite for Hire. So I tossed his sandwich onto the couch next to him and went downstairs to begin the rest of my day hanging out in the kid’s bedroom.

Humanling and I enjoyed a wonderful dinner in her room though. Fresh grapes and raspberries along with fresh bread from the bakery with oil to mop up (salt and peppered) and thin slices of the Irish cheddar cheese, sprinkled with oil. Ok, it's me so 'sprinkle' isn't accurate. Smothered is more like it.

He is relentless. Now I know why my therapist gives me titles to books on all the other abuses that are not physical. He pushes and pushes until I hit a breaking point. Psychological warfare when he isn’t getting his way. It’s disgusting. What will I do about it? Probably nothing. I need to make my way to AZ in August and the money that I have saved to see my gorgeous daughter and new grandbaby cannot be used to move out and get away from his silliness.
But let’s enjoy that handsome dude with the polite ‘caw’. At least he’s a family guy.

The Flugel Gourmet

I can’t take a man seriously who complains, gets so heated that he starts stomping his feet and shouts with a vein bulge in his forehead, tells you what’s wrong with you and your family, simmers down enough to be silent for a bit ….and then with the pink elephant of tension in the room, farts. Without even trying to be smooth about it. Or apologize for shitting his manners out of the deal since we currently can’t speak without him needing me to adhere verbally to the script.

I mean if you gotta toot your flugel horn, whatever, but if this is some way of asserting defiance to some sort of relationship respect issue then I guess I’d better check my side of the bed if you need tougher ammo when you get REALLY angry.

The Ridiculously Angry Ice Cream Trip

The Ridiculously Angry Ice Cream Trip

Lenny and Lily had been arguing since earlier in the day. Lenny didn’t just plop out of bed into the wrong vibe ditch, he dropped a hole in the bottom of it.

The fight lasted all day, so that Lily left the house to take her Wee One out of Argument Alley. Lenny walked his dog.

Eventually after Lily spent most of the day away from Lenny, even within the same walls, she realized that she had promised Wee One some homemade ice cream from the local stand and that it would be closing within a week.

She sighed and mustered up the strength not to gag or be smug and went to Lenny.

Lily: I promised Wee One ice cream and it’s time sensitive. We are going today. You are welcome to join us if you like.

Lenny: I’ve been waiting to see if you were going to ask.

Lily: {thinking….what a trap artist….WAITING to see if I would ask? Can’t get much more passive aggressive than that} Ok.

Lenny: Well when are we going because I want to be back real soon {football was on}.

Lily: I told her she has to drink a full glass of water before we can go.

Lenny: {Lily couldn’t really hear what he was saying because she had started to go down the stairs with said glass of water for Wee One. She knew that Lenny was going to be uptight about the time and all she could think was …} you need to shut up if I’m going to get down the stairs with this glass of water in my hand to start the clock.

And yet….

Lenny kept talking. AND wanted to hurry.

Lily waited…glass of water in her hand. Sweat beads forming on her brain and glistening down her soul.

I can’t give her the water if you keep talking.

Lily decided commincation needed to change.

She slightly raised the glass of water and stared at it harder.

Lenny’s vowels and lack of punctuation created a definite obstacle between Lily and the bottom of the stairs.

Eventually, she succumbed.

Lily: I have to get this glass of water downstairs otherwise she can’t drink it.

Lenny looked annoyed, but Edith-fied and Stifled.

Lily and the water went downstairs.

Now the child does not drink fast most of the time, unless you give her something the equivalent of at least 10 teaspoons of sugar. By way of my very own composition, I also do not drink fast unless it is the morning after a ton of drinking and every single thing I can think of sounds good. I want a slurpee, root beer, orange juice, coffee, latte, rice milk, veggie broth, water, pureed carrots….

…..10 minutes later, Lenny walks into Wee One’s room.

Lenny: {in a time sensitive voice} Did she finish it yet?

Lily: {holds up glass that is still one fourths full}

Lenny: {in urgent time sensitive voice} It shouldn’t take this long to finish a glass of water.

As Lenny storm clouds off, Lily notices that there are tons of floaties in the water from the ice melting. She muses on this thought for a bit wondering what is it about our ice that causes a snowglobe in the glass when it melts? It even does this in scotch….

Lily gets up and dumps out the textured water and refills the glass to one fourth with fresh, clear water. Wee One finishes and Lily calls up to the impatient 2nd floor that :

WE CAN GO NOW!

And so Lily defiantly goes upstairs and announces that she will be driving.

And so Lenny complains that her car is simply no good. It is a messy, sloppy, filthy car.

Lily wonders aloud: What is it that you think is so messy in my car? The reusable shopping bags in the back and three water bottles?

Lenny insists it is messy and he will be driving his deceased stepfather’s car, which he has been driving for a month now.

Lily can’t possibly understand what it is about her car that deserves the brown ribbon award for the tones that Lenny gives. She checks to see…

…reusable shopping bags in the backseat….three water bottles….

Lily: What is it about my car that is so messy? I really need to know what it is that you think is so messy as to complain every single time my car is mentioned.

Lenny: {Peers into car, touches a bottle on the floor in the front and a receipt} This and this…

Lily storms over the Lenny’s choice of vehicle and stares …in her mind, her mouth is agape with horror…..

Dog leash on the floor, phone charger on the floor, starbucks empty coffee bottle, startucks empty coffee bottle over there too…..

Her mouth nearly swells with the swirling vortex of words that are begging to please come out and play. But she swallows them instead and thinks to herself …

I hope your tomatoes die.

They start to descend down the hill, Lily staring out the window in silence, trying to note all that the autumn paint brush has dabbed.

Lenny then unleashes the mental handcuffs and starts going back into the earlier argument.

Lily is suddenly reminded that sometimes people drown inside cars.

They get ice cream, she thanks him for paying. When at red lights he dives into inappropriate arguing topics with Wee One in the back seat.

Lily is severely ecstatic that her mind still goes unread and then feels slightly guilty about wishing death upon the tomatoes when she could simply wish that his tongue would grow thorns and stab the inside of his gums every time he trapped her into the net of unwanted conversation.

….And now instead of holding hands and bowing, they flip each other off and walk off opposite ends of the stage.