First Date with New Church

Well after the run in with fate, timing and testing last night at the church, Humanling and I decided to roll on over there Sunday morning and check it out.

Well, after going to breakfast. And running into her best friend's mom and having another possible moment of universal reasoning for being in the same place at the same time. More on that another time after I contact Ex-Hoo Hah McBlah Blah's lawyer to run things past her.

It's hard not to arrive slightly early when you live next door to the church. We squeezed into a pew, third from the back, following the unwritten pact that I made with the Clergy last night that I can remain incognito. I have been through the whole standing and introducing myself to a host of people that I will feel guilty running into at some point when I don't return to their church. "Yes, it was because of YOU. I didn't like your screaming infant that you refused to take out of the room. THAT's why we don't go there anymore. Well, nice to see you."

If you allow me to keep my Zsa Zsa Gabor mask on and just keep silent, this will never have to happen.

The church itself was bright and I was comfortable. I was hoping for a little more horseradish in my spirit but it was better than I'd expected. The priest was cool and sent me away with a couple of good things. Like a Prada handbag and coupon for a free sundae! Not really. He spoke of how people view God as this rock with a mouth that doesn't move. Just this stiff, detached being. But how God is more like a fountain of youth. Hmm....I liked that. Reminds me of a good meditation...only with God flowing through instead of a waterfall. Nice. Ok, I can do that on a meditation. Next time I remember to meditate. After I remember to find my soul mate, get married, have help with the house and am told to Quit Working Honey, Just Stay Home.

Then he spoke of how God gave man dominion over the earth and the animals. Depending on where this was going, I might have to suppress the PETA flag that was threatening to unfurl, like when Rudolph's red nose went off in front of everyone for the first time.

But then he said something that completely resonated with me. That God gave us dominion over the earth and animals, not to do as we pleased with for our own purposes, but for the good of all. Imagine if everyone actually thought that way for half the day. The other half can be slept off so we don't indulge in the materialistic greed that makes us look so ridiculous to aliens.

Did I say aliens and God in the same paragraph? Huh. I suppose I did. But to me, we weren't the only ones created. I'm pretty sure God can juggle a few planets at once.

There was however the typical white band that did a Nice job. Something about the TWB really exchanges my heart rate for the straight green line. I can't do the TWB. I want the soul shaking, dancing, stomping, hand raising stuff that I will never see in this type of church.

Before Humanling was swept off into Sunday school, she sat dutifully - no, not even dutifully - CHEERFULLY and UNRESERVEDLY singing as loud as she wanted, lyric sheet in hand, with the TWB. I think she's sneaking out at night and has been singing with these guys on fences and streetlit corners.

I looked up at the huge stained glass portrait of Jesus and thought, well, if I can't feel what I know I'm capable of feeling, here in this nice church, at least here is my baby. I am going to hand her to you and let you get her potential, as my parents should have done with me. Instead I found myself in some boring catechism on Thursday nights where I'd pick my nose and leave it in the pencilcase inside the desk of some kid who sat there during the day.

I did pass on the bread portion of the morning and for a really neurotic reason. The very cool priest ripped it up with his bare hands. AFTER shaking hands with everyone in the church five minutes beforehand. I would need mine marinated in the wine after that. Next week I will have to watch and see if he takes a Holy Purell break before handling ingestibles.

I tore off before the refreshment hour. After all, why get it all on the first date? They need to get me back there again.

Brother Can you Spare 600 Dimes?

I may have mentioned that the little Humanling and I live in a neighborhood that has access to everything that a private island could possibly put on their rider. Including panhandlers. Make that singular - Panhandler.

I've worked in NYC and have dealt with professional dollar diggers. Eventually, it is possible, even for a Save The Worldish weeping willow like me to callous up the retinas and look past these people while also ignore the handout speech of anyone who isn't touching you. Where I live, the same protocol seems almost bizarre.

It's a small town, focused primarily on its downtown. Everyone to be seen sits lazily outside on the green, walks up and down the main strip or looks penetratingly unapproachable sucking down their coffee at the eccentric coffee house. Anyone that I haven't listed is probably ordering a dollar draft and a jagermeister shot at the bar next to the railroad tracks. At one point if I had installed a camera in Cavey's primal head of hair, I would have had the much awaited Beer Channel, in said bar's exotic locale.

After a packed day, Humanling and I decided to go for a walk while it was still light out. It took us about 25 minutes to go about 50 yards since she decided to bring her flimsy plastic skateboard with her. When we passed a church that we pass reguarly, we decided to look in the door, which we've never done. Through the window, like a literature stalker, I was checking for pamphlets that I would take sometime when the church was actually open so that I could learn about one of the 5000 different denominations of Catholicism. A woman came and opened the door. It's basically near 8pm on a Saturday night. She invited us in and gave us a tour of the church. She also told Humanling to go right ahead and tickle the church ivories and get right up to the altar to check things out. She had no fear of HL's little potentially destructive fingers tainting anything in the centenarian building.

In the middle of listening to HL's musical staff defiance, a man walked in the door and started talking to the clergy, who had been showing us around. As I coaxed my musical genius off God's piano bench and made our way to the pew where the plastic skateboard had been sitting, the man looked over and asked clergy for six dollars. He must have. It didn't register with me right away but I did hear her say no. Then without a beat, he named me "Miss" and asked me the same question.

It's amazing how our brains work in a matter of mere seconds. I stopped myself from asking "What for?" because.....well....we're not married. I don't know him. I suppose it doesn't matter What For. My next thought was "Only if you don't buy booze with it. And give it to my ex husband". I really was thinking about a booze restriction clause. And again, realized that I was fighting controlling the situation somehow. And then the absurdity of it all. I am invited into a closed church, a man walks in during my pre-date with church and asks me for money. And not even a dollar. Six dollars. Without saying another word, I took out my wallet and pushed past a $50 bill. I found seven dollars and gave him the six.

He did say thank you - not overly and abundantly expressed, but mentioned nontheless.

I wasn't bullied into this. I could have said no.

I could have said sorry, don't have my wallet on me.

Sorry, I am a single parent trying to keep my head above water while I am going through an expensive divorce that so far has siphoned $3500 out of me and resulted in me dropping my lawyer and most likely obtaining a shiny new ulcer while I go Pro Se and represent myself against my ex's lawyer who does double duty as a Judge.

But how do you turn down 'helping' someone while standing in front of a stained glass mural of Jesus? Plenty of people reading ths would have an answer for that. I am fortunate enough to have the money to give. By no means am I with disposable income. But I did have six dollars to spare, next to the $50 that was given to me today during a moment so rare, it could have been the 8th wonder of the world.

The man left with his huge backpack. The clergy woman apologized to me and insisted on writing me a check for the six dollars, while telling me how nice that was. I felt like that moment when you bump your head on the car after trying to duck into the back seat to get something. That moment where you know something happened but for a second are trying to register the what and the how.

I told her not to worry about it. That the whole thing was so random - the tour and the man - that it was meant to be that way for whatever reason, that I can pay it forward because people have helped me.

Tomorrow morning we may just be checking out this new church. Especially since I cleared it ahead of time that we are allowed to be incognito and that no white spotlight will land on us, prompting me to tell everyone who we are and why we are there, while showing off my favorite shade of crimson.

I could be called a sucker, and that's ok. Believe me, if that's the worst thing I can go through, I'll start monogramming the towels now.

Amped Prayer

Happy Spring all! Even though its been Spring for a few moments already. It is actually dressing the part now with flowers springing up here and there.

My prayers have been answered once again. I needed to move - long story behind that, which involves an ex who bought a home with me and then walked out of it after two mortgage payments. That's old history, and one that helped me reclaim my life as well as personal, social, creative and artistic freedom. Back to now since I won't say much more about that as I am on Divorce Row and don't want to end up on Good Morning America for dishing the dirty. Not only that, but karma has kicked my pompous buttocks numerous times straight up through last year so something has to change.

I checked out a place that seemed ok - I wanted a change of scenery and found a good deal in a more upscale community. It was affordable because it was basically outside of a train station. That's kind of where I live now. I tried to talk myself into it seeing as the school system would be prime. However, it didn't exactly sit well with me. I wasn't amped. Nothing in the paper made me feel like YES I SO WANT THIS! I'm one of those people who freaks when she knows what she wants. I get really excited, uplifted and lose myself in all kinds of plans about it. Notice that I said *when* I know what I want.

I previously made a list of what I wanted in a place to live. Of course when I made the list, I more or less was copying notes straight out of 100 Ways to Describe Brooklyn, NY. I took the list out again after feeling sort of flatliner about everything in the classifieds. I couldn't think of a single place where this would bloom forth.

Until a Tuesday. There was a new classified that wasn't there previously. The price was outstanding, almost $200 less than I was looking at for everything else and pretty much down the road from where I am now. I called and planned to see it after work that day. But I kept getting that nagging feeling that I needed to see it immediately, that it really couldn't wait. I left work and walked into the space that would turn my Amp on. Everything about it made me Wowwwwwww. I swooned back down to the application and offered to put it all down but had to wait. Credit check, other applicants, etc. Booooo. Think positive, think positive. The place felt like me. The energy registered like a key in a lock when I walked in. A perfect fit.

I started to get antsy back at work. I just knew that this was our place. How couldn't it be? Or really, how could I actually go back to viewing the classifieds in black and white after sliding off this rainbow?

Turns out, my prayers were answered. And now the kitchen has changed to Banana Peel, as dictated by Humanling. I get this certain vibe when I really and truly connect and want something - of course it is for the good of all for the time frame it is occuring in. I connected with that vibe - or maybe our prayers are heard when they are really on par with what we want. Why would God give us something that we are half-hearted about? We can do that on our own with our hasty decisions. Such as mine was to get married this last time. I had the warning, the red flag, the niggling that told me it wasn't a good idea. I bought cleats two sizes larger and stomped the warnings into oblivion. I nearly dodged lightning bolts with razor blades on them. I know now that I really should have acted on the information coming through. But we can always rise out of that knowing so much more and become more equipped to deal with when we feel we are standing in as life's dartboard at times.

I love this new place so much. It is almost everything that was on my list. The things that it didn't hit were things that are either not really that important or things that don't take much effort to get to.

I recently finished reading "Zero Limits" by Joe Vitale. I find that I am using the method described in his book when I come across anything that does not resonate on a higher and loving flow. Given two ex husbands and a workplace where people enjoy standing right on top of you when they speak to you, I have many wonderful opportunities. I don't actually speak to Ex #2, nor do I have anything productive to say to him. Except Get Off my Car Insurance Please. Ex #1 and I remain friends. We've got a long history and were friends before we turned into spouses and then Exes on the family tree for our daughter to reflect on. I find that when I answer a problem, even just in my mind, with love instead of hate, revenge and their siblings of lower thought, I feel much better. And that allows me to feel relief, to know that I did the right thing. Part of me is a karmic coward. If I do all those little creative ways of getting even, I will be waiting down the road for the Heavenly Shoe to drop, when its time to Come On Down to that game called Reap What You Thought Was So Funny and Bragged About Back Then. I've seen it play out....blow by blow....what I've done to others earlier in life, has been regifted back to me. And we all know how popular regifting is. I'm now about the Pay It Forward Regifts, therefore, I have to perform many more of those merely for the joy of doing it.

Many people wonder how to acheive their goals and if God hears their prayers. My problem is usually figuring out what makes me pray with all my might. Once I have a true and absolute want in sight, its often graciously answered. What color do I like? They're all good. All ice cream is good, you can be happy living anywhere (except next door to a chemical plant, like I do now. Will post down the road if I grow a tail), I'm never bored....I'm just one of those people who can 'make do' and changes color to suit the scene as long as it doesn't infringe on my simple list of absolutes. Darwin would love my series of adaptations. But I do know that when I really see the right thing in my mind, I've got good help upstairs. My heart tunes in and I can really know what I'm asking for.

God takes party breaks on Friday nights

Just so you know....he really does. You know, I think I'm realizing that God's up there like a good parent, watching, but not hovering. We end up closing our little human fingers in the proverbial car door over and over again while he slaps his palm on his immortal forehead, "They've done it again.....that's the ninth time this week!". We get into our own pool of molasses and although he can't stop us from doing it - unless we are actively asking for him to help us walk AROUND it, he can show us the bee-free path in which to crawl out of it.

And how was YOUR Friday night? Ok, enough about you, it's my blog.

I picked my 9 year old daughter up from my mother's after work. My day usually runs to the effect of me taking my lunch break at 3pm, running into the town next door to get her, then bringing her to my mom's and then racing back to work, ticket and adrenaline-free. She was fine during yesterday's hustle which was proven by her bout of Sassy Mouth on the way there. When I picked her up later, she was suddenly befallen with ear pain that caused her to sound like a channel I wished to shut off, sympathy intact. (Can I tell her that's what she gets for back talking? That's what my Italian grandmother would have done!) So what we do as single parents when the pain strikes? Besides call the other parent and do a quick drive by drop off? Medicate usually, with one of those liver pummeling meds that work so well - Tylenol, Advil, Tequila. Her normal dose of Tylenol would not have been a good candidate for Olympic standards and you can't exactly overmedicate or else there's the fear of going the route of Too Much Cough Syrup. And although I make plenty of dumb mistakes, I do not want to veer into the magnitude of THAT kind of mistake.

So we opted for the hot towel on the outside of the ear and lots of research on internet posts. Eventually, my anti-anything in the ear side got sucker punched by my self preservation of sanity, and I opted for putting a few drops of peroxide in her ear for about 20 seconds. I don't know if it worked but at the time, she was still crying and complaining about the "crunching" and "buzzing" sounds in her head. (If anyone knows exactly what that's all about, I'd love to hear about it.)

Desperate to find meds that worked, I decided at 10:30pm that we would battle the mean streets and face drunk drivers to head to our 24 hour Walgreens. As soon as we stepped outside, I had done the thing that I always feared. My car and house keys were on the counter in the house. On the other side of the locked door. Folks, I am in Connecticut. It's not warm here much at night right now and the sky got in on the effect and added some precipitation (we haven't quite gotten all the way to the Lamb part of March yet). I wondered when a soundtrack of some sort would start and I'd see an orchestra of insane violins marching up the road.

I happened to have my dying cell phone on me, which kept shutting down after three sentences with anyone. Who do you normally call in emergencies? I call a pair of Capricorns - my real estate agent AND my ex boyfriend. My agent can get into the house since it is for sale. But for security measures, the lockbox shuts down at 9pm. Damn. I couldn't have made a major mistake before security kicked in??? Or for that matter, when it wasn't raining? Or there wasn't a sick child staring at me in horror with her tear-stained, puffy eyes?

My realtor showed up to the pathetic visual of me and my daughter standing huddled against the front door, lock box in my hand as I measured the real validity of breaking the window with it. She said that her husband had a great talent for opening doors. I asked if he had a criminal record. No one laughed. Must I always be the sole proprietor of a sense of humour?

Nothing was working, however, I found a window that belonged to the room of my ex Form of Protoplasm. He used to keep his instruments in there (and probably a whole closet full of dastardly plans on how to save himself while fully immersing the recipients into a fine line between Heart Attack Induced by Stress and Go Get 'Em Now Pull up Those Boot Straps stress). Apparently he probably had the window open at some point and never closed the storm window that was down on every other window. My Real Estate Life Saver lifted her hubby to the window and he went in face first. Thankfully the cat litter is on the other side of the room.

I am positive that God saw a blip on his radar at this approximate latitude and took a break from his peeps for a moment. Although I had neglected to charge my cell, He allowed it to work for moments so that I could at least call someone. As it turned out, my ex, who represents the man who sits around in cape and tights just waiting for THE CALL, was mere moments from the house. So I had two bee-free paths and no window replacing on my to do list today. So I'm gonna shout out to God a huge THANK YOU!!! I would have gotten him a gift card to Ruby Tuesdays like I did for my real estate agent, but I can't picture him dipping his fries in ranch dressing.