Talk Just Under What Monsters Can Hear

"I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.
Let our scars fall in love.” ― Galway Kinnell

Today my Humanling asked to be brought to the waterfall, fifteen minutes into the woods.  At first I thought to myself about how much I *didn't* feel like doing anything.  And then I thought, sheesh.  She's not asking for a shopping trip or for me to spend money.  She's asking to be brought to do something that kids should be doing more of.  

I'm rather proud of how she can walk through now the way that I've trained her.  We were walking through the woods one day and she was talking loudly.  I don't care that it's outside and you're using your outside voice.  The woods have a whole different setting for Outside Voice.  I've taught her to use her The Man is Going to Kill Us if he Hears Us Voice.  We speak so that we can hear each other...not so the dude from the horror movie can find us because of a decibel Fail.

The people who got there right before us were using their Hockey Game voice.  Four people over the age of 40 something, with three dogs.  Yelling like the dude in the Hopper commercial.  We purposely chose a longer and more sweat inducing path in order to avoid catching up to these slow, loud beings.  We could still hear them from the path that we'd taken.  But no matter. We got to our little falls and got comfortable.  And then they showed up.  Two dogs first.  Then a non smiling human and a dog.  Then a worried looking lady calling to an obviously unneutered dog who obviously didn't want to "hear" her.  The other two Bulls kept their distance and within moments, like bubbles, they all disappeared.  

We had a lovely time.  I took photos, sat with my feet in the water talking to my mate for a little bit on the phone and then wrote up my New Moon list for tomorrow night.

On the way back, I saw movement in the hollow of a tree.  Curiosity hoped to find a chipmunk or something equally as cute.  Instead it was the biggest fucking spider that I'd ever seen just out in the wild.  Fighting the creeps, I backed up and hoped to zoom into the hole with my camera and get a photo that I would look at Some Other Time.  As soon as I took the photo, I bolted at least 25 feet past the tree, wildly begging my daughter to see if there were any spiders on me.  Especially a spider with a saddle on it. 

Turns out there was a shy spider who'd gone to get her gun while I was being a voyeur.  No spider in these photos.  Which even though I was at home and looking at them on the computer at this point, I still needed to do a body check to be sure it stayed in the woods.

It's a sultry Sunday night.  I'm listening to a beautiful rendition of Echoes, waiting for the honey to come over soon.  One thing that I love are those moments that go out of the ordinary.  Like when he walks in and stops for a moment and says "You look beautiful".  Ok, for any dude reading this, that never gets old. Ever.  

We took some photos last night that we think are pretty damn funny, but will not be putting them up.  We're doing a re-take tonight.  Here's hoping they come out as awesome as we think the concept is.  I won't blow our cover with what they are just yet.

Tonight he'll be bringing over a fresh bottle of bourbon.  We'll maybe put Fear and Loathing on in the background, take photos, drink, go primitive and just enjoy indulging in this Cancer moon influence.  It's the supremely simple things that make up a day and then a life.  

Is This Ride Making My Hair Wild?

“Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice.” 
― E.M. Forster, A Room With A View

Helena Bonham Carter graced us with her very 1986'd presence last night in Room with a View.  I'll be damned if we watched even a minute of it though.  Thankfully, I have done some track time with the book, which I adored.  The movie may have been a little sleepy for our energy last night. 

I'm going to try and write this post without feel guilty.  Guilty for not being outside because its a summer day. Guilty for my 14 year old having actually....gulp....entertain herself while I write!!  Guilty for using the air conditioner and guilty for almost being out of vodka, although I'm not currently drinking any.  I'll have you know that I just finished my afternoon coffee.  

Last night we rode the astrological weather and came out like a Boss.  There is some crazy ass cleaning house being done leading up to new beginnings this week.  Hey, speaking of New Beginnings...I love this song....(see above).

My good pal Saturn is going direct on July 8th. I'd high five Saturn but all of its rings got in the way... tee hee...SNORT!   Get it? Rings...on a hand...too many....pffffffff....

The lessons we learned from last November are supposed to be playing out with this aspect.  Huh.  Well, for me that was any lesson from Flip.  Oppression.  Crazy making.  Staying with someone too long for the wrong reasons.  Letting someone help make me who I don't want to be and no one being happy in the process.  For me it was about starting over....as me.  As whoever it is that I am, so long as I am authentically me in the process.  

Going forth, whatever it is we are choosing right now, we're going to ride through to March, building our new life.  I'm not quite sure what my canvas consists of but there it is.  And I'm going to make the absolute fucking best of it there is.  Because what else is there except for now?  Why not enjoy the moments you have with those around you (unless of course you're going to say, Hey, what if Flip was around you?  Just, No.)

I'm immensely curious to see what is to bloom.  It could be a dream come to fruition (I've got that going on)...it could be something to do with this unique dance with the man in my life.  Because regardless of the outcome, there is a lot to derive from this reunion.  It's like eating cake discreetly made from vegetables and cream cheese.  You're having fun while getting something you need.  

This morning we headed out for breakfast.  The seating arrangement had me placed in front of a giant unhappy looking rooster.  I looked at my mate.  "You love the fact that there's a giant cock hanging over my head, don't you?"   

We talked about the many facets of travel.  How to travel, where to go, how was it when I was in a relationship and left for three weeks?  The incredible views.  The moments you want to get off the train for just a moment at each stop to photograph your feet on different ground.  Drinking wine while talking to strangers and watching the landscape pass by.  The power of the dessert. How Colorado was below 30 degrees and just hours later I was sweating in New Mexico.  

I asked him, "How do you feel about planes?".  He seemed pretty whatever on the plane topic.  Unaffected.  

Awesome.

Then how would you make me calm down if we had to get on one? And if we're getting on one in this fantasy, we are going to France. Provence actually.  Where all I will eat is cheese, bread and fruit.  How will you keep me from freaking out on the way?  

He was planless, but not for lack of wanting to be.  He'd play it by the moment.  

Good.  

But we're going anywhere, if anywhere at all, by train.

With a room.  

That sounds great to me.  I'm going to hop on a ring before this thing takes off. 

Walk the Del Toro

"Raoul Duke: Look, there's two women fucking a polar bear!

Dr. Gonzo: Don't tell me these things. Not now man."

~ Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

So one of my posts had the band "Walk the Moon" as a tag.  That post was hit up pretty hard.  I think I'll use them for the rest of my posts.  Right alongside Rhianna.

The man and I (re)watched Fear and Loathing last night.  I say "re" because the fun part about watching any movie with me is that at some point I will have forgotten that I saw it or I will have forgotten most of it.  Even I like that at times.  

This one had me rewinding, frame by framing, taking photos of the screen.  Parts of it were absolutely hysterical.  And.  Don't tell anyone but Benecio Del Toro is one of my favorites.  I have him bookmarked in my museum of Hot Dudes with Larger Bellies.  

After an incredibly undesirable experience with birth control a week ago, I made the bizarre decision to go on the pill for now.  I don't enjoy when gyn's need to cast their reel in search of last night's fun.  What I have discovered so far is that if anything is attributed to it at all, it would be that I am unmotivated to eat things that I have to make myself.  Or that I might eat just to feel my jaw moving.  Also, being about 5:30pm, I can hardly wait to go into that dirty metropolis of emotion that I can't quite define but that makes my vibe turn simultaneously into sandpaper and jello.  Yep. That should happen in about an hour or so.  Can't wait.

A ladder of alleviation seems to be those Broadway ads on Youtube while I wait for a song to major note my way out of moodiness.  Another good propelling agent is booze.  And a game of parcheesi.  

But maybe I'm just making this all up and it's really just Me.  The good thing is, that shit has a time limit on it and I'm back to enjoying the goodies thrown in front of me soon enough.

There seems to be a lot of hoopla going on regarding Saturn's upcoming direct march.  I need to think about this for another day before coming to any immediate conclusions.  As Saturn pays out handsomely for standing up to our responsibilities, I think this is the perfect time to let Saturn watch me clean the litter box.  

Sorry Your Idea Sucked

“After lunch, we made love like it was the 4th of July. And because it was the 4th of July, it felt exceptionally patriotic. I even wore my British flag t-shirt to commemorate the evening.” ~ Jarod Kintz

I do not "celebrate" patriotic holidays in typical beer can crushing, hot dog gullet stuffing, Yay fireworks type of manner.  If we really think about freedom, then I am free as all get out, celebrating that I am home, doing whatever I want.  I am not at the helm of the clock, being driven to "arrive" or space my booze accordingly for the 35 minute drive home.  Welcome to my freedom - from guilt, from plans, from expectations!  Whee ha!  {Lights sparkler}

This morning I had total free choice in chasing a cat that had a dragger.  I could have let her handle the matter with dignity, on her own at some point.  But that would mean total acceptance of cat poop germs wherever her butt may kiss.  Rahveenha is skittish.  And incredibly affectionate.  We've nicknamed her Violently Happy.  At about nine months old, she is the baby of the bunch.  She has this incredible heightened sense when I am trying to catch her for a "reason".  Usually she comes running when I call her.  Today, she and her butt blob hid under the futon.  She then ran pretty much on everything that I wouldn't want her to be on...the bed, the pillows on the futon....she may as well have opened the refrigerator door and sat on everything in there.  It's one of those pursuits that you can't give up no matter what.  Unless you're ok with getting out a shit detector and wandering around the house, paper towels, cleaner and keen eyesight in tow.  You really have to get into one of those "That's it, I fucking had it!" moods, where the possibility of being scratched was not even a thought. The best part is, I had just finally made my coffee and was ready to sit down.  

Before all of this I thought to myself.....I'm not huge on these holidays.  On being all Hot dog and Hamburgery for a day.  Then again, I'm vegetarian.  But still.  We have options these days, y'all.  But still, it'd be nice since I'm home to make something gorgeous for breakfast for my Humanling.  Try to show her that she means more to me than a bagel in the mornings.  The Mister had already left onto his day's pursuits and so now it was me and the kitchen.  I can do this.  

Working with what I had, I decided on a cheapy, eggless "french toast".  Bread in the oven, butter it up, sliced bananas and blueberries on top with real maple syrup mother fuckers.  Real. After googling if it ever goes bad after being opened.  In the fridge - where the cat did not go.

I proudly handed her the "surprise!" breakfast plate.  Her face went long.  Her eyebrows fell from the weight of advanced disappointment.  Oh, I'm sorry, I meant to give you twinkies with sprinkles for breakfast today. The SAD fare - Standard American Diet.  

Needless to say, I was maybe pissed for a moment.  (*Moment = an hour).  

I pulled out my superpowers of guilt, passed down to me from the guru herself, and delivered a short speech on gratitude.  Then left the room to discover the shit smear that was easily traced back to the litter box.   I complained to my mom on the phone, who laughed the words "HAHAH..she's fourteen!...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA".  My response was closer to the letters "Pffff".  

About a half hour later I received a note.  

{Smiling Parent}

I Hath No Desire to Send You Down the River

"Those who restrain desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained; and the restrainer or Reason usurps its place & governs the willing." ~ William Blake

I read this quote today in The Yoga of Eating (Charles Eisenstein) and it linked a thought reality with my soul.  Love it.  I am a person who follows desire, passion and when absolutely need be, caution.  My passionate side has a teensy little pin of caution on its lapel, just to once in awhile look down at it and see if the light is yellow or red.  Lately, I'm not bothering to even look.

Humanling and I went for a nice walk through the woods to our local waterfall so that we could sit and read while keeping our feet in the water.  I killed at least three bugs with my left eye.  It would have been less of a tragedy if the bugs didn't startle me and cause a reaction that slammed my eyes suddenly shut.  

I sat on a rock in the middle of the flowing water, enjoying the scent of wet earth and summer air.  A tiny light colored bug landed on me.  I took it off gently.  Eventually he won my attention away from my book as I watched and photographed him.  He appeared to be looking at me but how can you possibly identify what those beady little button eyes are looking at?  He did this side to side movement, like teensy lunges.  Eventually I moved him off my potato chip bag...you can't be all over my baggie like that.  I don't know you, where you've been, what you eat and might regurgitate all over my stuff so here comes the moving company.   I thought I got him to a good spot but somehow he ended up falling into the rushing water and I watched him float away on his back down the next tiny set of falls.  

Ok so I'm not impressed with the fact that I sent him into possible death.  I'm hoping he's light enough to withstand the ride and then fly off into happiness.  He might be blogging about it this very minute!

And yes, I do think about these things.

I kept turning around to retrace the moment as if I could drag the arrow back to the beginning and re-do it.  

Then my man called to see how things were going. The falls were so loud that I thought he said "Burger King" in his salutations.  I'm sorry to say that was not the case.  

One thing we've always done easily was talk.  We spend every single night together (with a couple of exceptions) and yet, there is always talk, with a number of stomach clenching guffaws thrown in.  The kind where you can't look at the other person for fear of dying by a lack of breathing. 

Today we revisited the topic of biorhythms playing a role in the possibility of the randomness of same events occurring on the same day of the week on a continual basis.  My new friend that I destroyed down the falls and made a couple of non-relationship-even-though-we're-in-a-relationship jokes.  

Being in the present is good right now.  It seems to be the way forward into the next moment. 

Is This Thing On...?

"You have been mine before - How long ago I may not know: But just when at that swallow's soar, your neck turned so, Some veil did fall, - I knew it all of yore."
   - Dante Gabriel Rossetti

It's a gorgeous, gray morning.  The AC is blaring and the cats have all found their quiet places for the time being.  Pretty soon it will be time to blog from the stoop, coffee fiercely protected from ants and other wingeds.

It's always tough to know how to re-start after a large gap in writing.  So you just Do.

There have been a couple of reasons why I haven't written anything for a bit.  I'll leave those reasons up for anyone's imagination for now.  But after speaking with a friend, decided that yeah, why hush up the premises.

I'm taking Humanling out for a teensy hike with the goal being to just sit in between water falls after choosing the right butt friendly rock to sit on, book in hand.  Edith Wharton's "Summer" will be accompanying me.  I'm not sure how much I'll read since the falls demand that I just listen.  Just sense.  When I've had a decent fill of that, I can be released for a few paragraphs.

Since I took the day off of work to spend on my challenging but delightful Humanling, I am bumming around braless, in boxers, coffee at my left, waiting for her to awaken.  I've come into my own with the Summer season.  It used to be the last one hired....how I despised hot weather.  Hot cars.  Blaring sunshine.  But now, I love the pace.  I'll totally handle the trade off that I get with the pace of Summer.  

I'm trolling around Facebook, enjoy the morning selections from Beatnik Online - adding the right offerings to my newly created July playlist on Soundcloud.  Currently I listening to The Midnight Eez - Childhood Memories.  If notes capture the Summer spirit, this song is full of them. I've boosted their stats this morning by hitting the play button at least 13 times.

There are a number of moments in life where things feel bigger than we are.  Things feel cosmically written.  Things that you think were left done in the past, tied up in a neat bow or with shredded twine, come back to let you know that your subconscious hasn't forgotten.  You may have been going about life, getting up and over situations, using your new scar tissue as bowling alley bumpers against life's small wounds.  You may declare that you are "so grateful" to have gone through the process.  That's what I did well after my 2nd marriage was over.  Soooooo glad!  I learned SO much! Yeah! Party with the Lessons Learned Bucket List!

Until your past creeps up on you after five years and for totally legit reasons, you are about to look in this person's eyes for the first time since the courtroom gavel that sounded your freedom.  

It's a confusing dance at first and nearly two months later, I can't say that it's any less confusing. But the confusion has settled into a nearby hotel while it figures out what the plan is, allowing for present comfort.  Life is full of strange surprises.  I never thought I'd be someone who would say "I'm dating my ex-husband".  But there it is.  And it was instantaneous - from the day we were again in each other's presence.  

Some other post may offer more detail than that.  For now it is enough to take in on a daily basis, that we get to enjoy all of the things that originally pulled us together seven years ago.  Before we knew the problems that would move in with us and that they would be much bigger than any idea of a solution that we could come up with.  

Now is different.  Not different as in me saying this is forever.  Different as in how we are now approaching each other.  We flow, we entice, we hunger and fulfill.  We know what the biggest hurdles are for now, but they lie dormant.  Sleeping, because we can keep them that way for now.  

And the best is that we have no plan.  One of the biggest themes emanating for us is Be-ing.  As a united energy, we Are.  And it brings amazing results moment to moment. Day after day.  We flow better than we ever have, partially attributing the good times to the phoenix of a foundation that we are on now.   

"The highest form of human intelligence is to observe yourself without judgement." ~ Krishnamurti

And right now, it's a slow and sensual waltz between observation and leaving the heart open to all it can experience.