Gettin’ my personal space On!
So much reflection, now that I’m moving back to the House to re-live with my Honey. This tiny apartment has become a fabulous sanctuary. Not in the sense of hiding from anything or anyone…but more where the Soul Goodies are kept. This apartment has become that. It’s quiet, easy to clean, and devoid of the sounds of sports or politics. I’m simply in awe of the spirit lightness of this environment where most is drama free and there is room and time for sitting on the floor or not uttering a word for hours. For years I would watch the folks in Friends as they sat by a window, listening to a melancholy song, rain glossing and beading the panes. I’d think to myself, who the hell has the schedule for THAT? I have that schedule currently(if only the rain would insert the date into its own Outlook calendar). Well, to a point I have that schedule. I still have work and I still stay at our old and to be again, shared space some days of the week.
Teen-a-Ling and I do nest here on school nights generally so that we have our mornings without too much else going on. The third person is a help mainly. Maybe it is just the sense of silence first thing. It’s her and I and sometimes she really is so far from silent. She has radar that turns up her sudden inclination to have the Most to Say just as I start to read something. Right now though, all is wonderful. She has been practicing math in a workbook for over an hour. I downed a cup of Paul Newman Extra Bold coffee and had an apple and oatmeal. I moseyed out of bed near 10am since I decided to sit up until 2am talking to anyone else up at that hour on Facebook and littering my Grandbaby Daddy’s wall with music videos. Because I could. Because I sat in that poofy big chair that reclines with a double bourbon on ice and a laptop. I still have my Christmas tree up and lit and love it. I read in between communications as well.
I picked up Living With Joy and really started to get hints of That Special Feeling…that inspiration and hope that reveals the embers glowing deep within. It’s a book to be relished, to taste and swirl around rather than chug. I felt hopeful that yes, I am still here. The me that I have been missing really is still there. I believe we all get those tugs from somewhere higher that tries to pull us in a positive direction when we get stuck in the daily maze. My authentic self is truly tired of being hidden under the dirty clothes, the have to’s, the schedules, the Good Listener who won’t speak up and say she needs quiet space. So while I think that I’m steering, it’s now the wind subtly changing my course. My goal this year, my all encompassing major goal is to exactly live with joy.
This apartment has been a savior of sorts to my sanity. I’m going to miss it. If I didn’t love a man, I’d be happy here in this bright space with so much potential. I’m going to miss sleeping head to toe with my Teen-A-Ling. She has epilepsy and sleeping next to her puts my mind at ease that if there is a seizure, I know about it. Since we’ve been here though, she’s had very little incident. One seizure. Our lives are so calm here.
And going back, they will have to stay that way. My partner comes with more frenetic energy than I feel I can handle sometimes. His heart is gold and his flaws are those that are put upon any innocent soul. Life has gotten to him in many ways and he is quick to be rallied by Negative energy. He enjoys talking as he thinks, which is tough for someone like me who needs silence….barges of silence. His talking is merely for his own benefit in those cases and he knows this, but what he doesn’t realize is that while he’s helping himself, he is filling up the space that I have available to myself inside. It becomes filled and then needs to filter through so that I can try again to think my own thoughts. Being in this place has kept me in a space of thought that reminds me that yes, I am creative, yes I am passionate, yes I am intelligent. I tend to blame my lack of witticisms on being a parent or being busy or having a 40 hour work week. Really though, all I need is a lot of quiet.
As a result, even Teen-A-Ling is behaving in more advanced ways than she was. It’s been a good ride for both of us. So to this space I’m currently in for another week or so, I send gratitude and thanks.
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