Forty Sit on my Bum

Dear 41,



Thank you.



Love,



Sarcasm.





Forty-one has started off quite strangely for me this year! Perhaps to keep me surprised and not thinking that just because I've gained another year, that I've gained foresight and an abundance of wisdom.



A couple of days before my birthday, we had a cupcake contest at work...one that involved a fog machine, cut wood, homemade buildings and everything you might think you have to do if you've ever watched an episode of Ace of Cakes. I must mention....we did a 10 second dance. From Thriller. I wonder if I should subscribe to Elderly Embarassment at this point since out of the four of us, three of us were in our 20s. I know, I rechecked my drivers license. I wasn't one of them.



The day was spent in a ridiculously hot conference room, with candies, cookies and all sorts of sugar incarnations surrounding us. I made a few killer werewolves that I'd committed to memory from the internet. It was a great time had by all! And the first day of Uh, What is Going on With my Body?



I spent the day in a sweat....my face a nice shade of beet. And although I am the Queen of All that hugs and loves a sugar droplet, on this day, I didn't touch a drop, but for a HALF of a Milano cookie. For reals.



The next day I noticed that I was hot and chilly.....sweating and shivering. And funny enough, maybe I felt a few weird pains in odd places...but wasn't sure.



I was sure two days later however, when I realized that even though I was at work and had plenty of space to work, I couldn't concentrate, would start heating up out of nowhere and then would go through teeth chattering alternately. After a number of pain zingers in my thigh, ankle, hip and wrists, I decided that since 2/3 of our home was being treated for Lyme disease, perhaps I wasn't as lucky as I thought.



One last zinger caused my finger to pop over to the telephone and dial my longtime doctor. 3:15? Leave work early? Well.....Ok.



When I got there I found out that I had a 102.7 fever (yes! Validation for leaving early!). Now being the day before my birthday, my doctor had a couple of fun things in mind to help me celebrate. First, a deep up the nose swabbing for a flu test. VIOLATED! Also, a blood test for Lyme (normally not an issue but either I was sensitive or this particular needle operator was NOT a smooth vampire). And then the red ribbon gift - ordered to stay in bed with fluids for the weekend. WHAT?!? But it's my birthday!



Even if I don't feel like getting out of bed, it's still my birthday.



What did I really want for my birthday? I don't know. I thought it might involve a marriage and a bookstore. Or a marriage TO a bookstore.



What it was though was as wonderful as it could have been for how crappy I was feeling. My mate gave me a wonderful 10 year old Bonsai tree with tools! I am so Mr. Miyagi! However, I didn't yet have the ambition to read the instructions or do much with it.



My handsome honey was then kind enough to somehow stumble on a great video about crows and watch most of it with me. I heart them and well, he has his reasons for viewing them as ominious creatures. We also caught a wonderful video of Steve Martin doing a song called....THE CROW! Talk about surprises....I had no idea that Steve Martin played the banjo!



I tried to take a walk with him and the dog but cried for much of it. In fact, cried a lot during this illness. Commercials, NPR, my bonsai, the neighbor asking me how I'm feeling....it all crumbled me to tears. I started to wonder who the hell kicked me out of my mind and body and took the controls.



Even my sleeping mind....nightmares. That someone was trying to kidnap me and that feeling of running, hiding, curling up under things. Trying to scream and no voice comes out. Nightmares about evil spirits posessing my body and floating me around a dark room. I suppose a major lack of control.



I am on doxycycline....even though my Lyme test also came back negative. I suppose the failure rate has something to do with it. But my shooting pains have not gone away.



In the meantime, I have this gorgeous 20 wk size tumor that graces my otherwise slender body. Like a garter snake that swallowed a pregnant bison. That's me. I'm waiting for folks at work to ask when I'm due as soon as I become terrible at sucking in my gut. And this thing wants attention!

Apparently in the last 11 months it seems to have grown more than usual. And then there's the bleeding that started a few days after I started enjoying my new relationship with antibiotics. This week, I will have another non celebratory ultrasound to take a look at my perfectly large, round fibroid.

I will say this ahead of time....I have no idea what is in store. I'm fairly young and usually optimistic...until left alone in my head! I did recently have a CBC and that was normal. Earlier this year, the first ultrasound displayed the same sphere of mass, and I was told it was fine.

I am searching for that silver lining....that thread that I grab onto in most, if not all, situations and decide that things are and will be fine.

As I hold out my hand toward this Friday, I'm pretty sure that I feel the sweet smooth thread, just waiting to expose how good things really are.

Ramble On 2009

It is a gorgeous windy and sunny day here where I am. We've done our visiting for the day and are free to walk, play or well....ok, clean, as I am finding that's what I'm making time for.

We had a fabulous show with Jeff Bell last Thursday regarding my favorite pastime, OCD. And to me, it always helps to hear that I am not alone, although our individual battles each and every time can make us feel that way.

This week on Scorpion Equinox, we're going to have The Green RN, Lesly Federici. Awesome stuff for anyone who has more interest in going green or knowing what is lurking in your personal and house cleaning products, food, etc.

Today is the first day since Lent began that I could delve back into any sort of salty chip type food - doritos, fritos, potato chips and also baked goods - cookies, cake, pastries, etc. I was terrific during Lent and didn't partake. This was sooo healthy for me and although most of the time it was easy, it would be late at night when I was starving and just wanted a 'bite' of 'something' that I would think about it.

My mom of course had three different bags of chips at her house today and my appetite chirped up that yes, it's time to have the chips! It's true people. You can't eat just one.

We didn't happen to have any ready made food on hand upon getting home so besides coffee and potato chips, I've had a couple of chocolates and popcorn. I am suddenly finding myself in a foul mood and confused as to why my dip in bubbly energy has gunned the gas. I'm guessing lack of healthy food and I should know myself better. I have done the coffee then 2 bite sized chocolates before and it always results in This Mood. But that's what addicts do - they think it will be different somehow or will get away with it This Time.

Humanling is so bored that she is currently watching college women's bowling. I didn't know it existed. I wouldn't have denied its presence, but I wouldn't have thought they televised it on one of our mere 100 channels.

The poofy white soul that we recently acquired, known in her previous home as "Princess" and known here as "Princess" (I really thought about calling her Saphara, and at times do, or "Animal" as I call Azrael at times) seems to be doing well. Besides the fact that I didn't realize the bed decorations could purr or yawn. She loves being on the bed. If I could just set her up with a litterbox on the bed, along with her food, she'd never get down.

She and Az are not longtime buddies still, but they will tolerate each other's energy as they both find a spot on top of my 5 foot long body to lay on. Azrael will be the one who tries to inch her way up to my face. Maybe to smother me for bringing another animal home. Or maybe Iraq isn't the only culture that considers the foot to be the lowest form of dignity.

In the wake of our other little boy passing recently, we took in two guinea pigs from a rescue situation. Two baby males, Yuki and Kyyo. They also hate each other. Instead of buying a hot dress this week, I've purchased another cage so that Yuki can stop pretending he's a bird on a ledge, avoiding being on the ground where Kyyo will give him another beating. Alpha's everywhere! Yuki's cage should be here tomorrow. Petdiscounters.com is the fastest shipping place I've ever used. They are in NY state so I have a sneaking suspicion that as soon as I order something some guy from the warehouse loads up his car, grabs a coffee and heads on over. I've never actually seen a package dropped off.

The love life has revived and is where it should be. That'll be a tale for a nice rainy day kids.

Ah, and now the power of OCD and the need to get in the know so that the OCD can shut itself in the dryer for a few cycles and shrink itself a bit. I have had for years a fibroid that is a nice size. I'm a tiny girl so these things can really pronounce themselves well on a small frame. You wouldn't really know unless I was nekked but I know its there. I also know it is there because of a number of variables in my past. Some of them being emotional, much of it being stress from bad relationships that I should have walked out of, some of it being from food sensitivities and the stress on my liver to detox a cumulative effect to filter out the excess estrogen. I have not been diligent enough in detoxing...i.e. drinking enough water, excercising in order to sweat and pass the toxins through easier, relaxing more, doing more yoga - or any yoga lately for that matter and staying away from sugar, caffeine or alcohol. Alcohol is the least of my worries. I might drink twice a month - if that. Many times I go for months without a drop. I only drink when there is company. Does Humanling count as 'company'? (Kidding).

Caffeine is a mountain. I heart coffee like I heart anything else effective for living. It's not merely a drink, its an atmosphere. It's a house full of paintings, a library full of knowledge, the path full of possibilities. I'm not addicted.

Sugar - well, I try. Sugar goes in the coffee. I've tried agave but have for whatever bizarre reason it gives me a sore throat. I probably eat chocolate every day.

Now I've seen my gyn lately and it seems that I will go for an ultrasound in 6 months to see what's all going on in there. I'm determined to get into fully balanced health and not have to do anything further regarding this. She wasn't worried about anything for the time being.

However, some days I am optimisitic. Other days I am convinced that something way wrong is going on and that really makes my mood slink into a realm that doesn't make me feel like myself.

So I figured going public would force me into really doing something about it. I need to be healthy (and for the most part think I am) for myself and mainly for the Humanling.

I have read that tea helps prevent certain gyn issues so I am putting black tea into the diet and hoping it will help. I'll be off making some soon, but know that I really need to get out of this mood or else the tea will make it much worse.

So now, it is time to finish my veggies and then move on to planting some herbs with the child.

I wish everyone a beautiful day!