This is the post that I thought I'd never write. (Oh, the DRAMA!)
Humanling and I got ready for our hike today. I made her a lovely gluten free sandwich, packed some snacks (because anywhere other than home causes her elicit cries that are kin to the Nematoad (hungry...hungry...hungryhungryhungryhungry!). We got to our hiking place and started the walk in. We saw hi to all dogs and then owners. I happened to see a family having lunch and their dog looked like it wanted to come see us but the owner, without looking over, put his arm on the dog and held it down. So as we walked by.....I recognized that stony big ass head as Divorce #2 (still in progress).
I don't like to put people down. I feel bad talking smack about people. But this is the post that will make me feel better upon Publish Post. I won't mention his name and I don't go by his last name in most cases anymore.
I never wanted him to be an object of my posts for a couple of reasons a) it might make him important enough to take up internet space and b) it would be to make him look bad. But I do have a right to discuss my own life and experiences in the way that they happened to me. He can publish his own counterpost (if he can get past all the uh.....I don't know what to say...uhhhh.....'s).
Today was a little bit of a rust in my rainbow when I saw his big head. I couldn't keep completely quiet but I was no where in the realm of psycho ex. I merely stated two things toward him and his girlfriend (who in the past he said looked like a man) and her little boy.
I thanked him for the bankruptcy option that the two of us will need to agree to in order to get divorced (details further down). I then addressed her : I hope he is good with your kid - he was Terrible with mine.
Humanling and I hiked. I did not enjoy it while shaking and reliving the events that caused me to waste much of my energy and lose a lot of time with my daughter due to babysitting his purple acne spotted ass.
We dated and within 2 months we were married. I was against being in a relationship with him and stressed that our ages were too far apart for it to be serious. He pushed the issue. Over and over. He stressed how DEEP he was. And how he'd NeverFeltLikeThisBefore. So I gave in to the relationship, only to give in to the proposal as well. The stupiest thing I'd ever done. Even over marrying Cavey (HL's father).
I gotta stress people - KNOW that person long enough before you do it. I know it works out for the best sometimes and that's great. But for those who figure out after I Do - it's way harder to get out of than it was to get into.
Since he and I were very much into Him and not too much else (my pursuits became squelched easily around him) we figured out that he was most likely a carrying card member of Bipolar II (not that there's anything wrong with it.). Night and day we both tried to keep him happy. Only a year and half before I married him, he lie in a coma in the hospital because he forgot about the damn airbag. Failed suicide. But the tree still stands.
Warning? What red flag? My solid gold oars row me down De'Nile quite nicely.
And of course there was the promise that he was 'better' and would never contemplate doing that again. Until after we were married and he wanted me to promise to Thelma and Louise when we were ready. Uh, sorry baby, you're not worth that much to me. That was one thing I couldn't agree with. I like life. I like so many - too many - things. I find beauty EVERYF*CKINGWHERE.
After the wedding, he started to show how much he disliked Humanling. He found fault with her at every turn. She was only seven. Her greatest issue being that she was sprouted out of another man's body. I can understand that this is huge for a lot of guys. But don't marry the girl and look into the little girl's eyes and tell her "I'm going to be here forever. I'm never leaving." if you think you're going to pop a nut over who her daddy is.
That one alone, the dislike for my girl, is enough to make me go Vigilante. Dumb f*ck. How can you fault a kid? Yeah, some of them are annoying, it's true. Don't make the kid a part of your daily landscape if you can't handle it.
He was a bratty musician who had all kinds of instruments. He moved in with me into my apartment and his stuff couldn't come with. So down the road we set off to buy a home that would supply him the room he needed for his royal Bipolar 2ness to have his very own room for a studio. It meant everything to me to keep this boy happy. When he got upset, which was every quarter in the hour, I scrambled to Fix It.
A few things in the daily life that upset him:
I could not squat down in a public place, for my shirt might lift up slightly in the back and guys everywhere will sprout a rod because they can see my skin. Going grocery shopping became a problem because I'd have to stretch up to get things on a shelf and that was a no-no. He'd become depressed before we even left the house at the prospect.
Short sleeved shirts were not out, but frowned upon because my arms were showing.
Absolutely no short skirts. And my shirts had to make me look at first glance, like a man or give enough so that maybe I had an extra 10 pounds on me but you couldn't really tell because it was so baggy.
No eyeliner. THAT would be drawing attention to my eyes and begging for more hard-ons from the general public.
Don't hug his father. His dad was 52 and I was 36. I guess this was a threat that I was getting a little fantasy action during a salute to my in-laws. He didn't complain that I hugged his mom. I was also told that I kissed his father too close to the lips and that his dad agreed that this was true. Sorry people, I am sort of friendly but I am not illegal.
When dressing in the morning, he would survey me for the thing out of place that would ruin his entire day. Was it the necklace? Was it too sexy? Was it my SHOES??? Oh god, change the shoes, I can't deal with the text messages all day.
If I didn't answer his texts right away, he would assume that I was making babies with some co-worker in a conference room.
I couldn't go for a walk at lunch time outside unless I had a jacket on covering my butt. Because otherwise I was "shaking my ass for everyone to see".
I had a pair of furry red gloves. Apparently the Elmo gloves were out of line sexy because those became the focus of my alleged need for attention.
According to him, my parents were complete losers because although both have moved on and remarried (they split in 1979) they hug and kiss on the cheek when they see each other. However, it was ok that his dad used a prostitute while married to his mom during a Not Getting Any phase.
As we searched for a house, I found out that I was pregnant. This is probably not something a lot of people would want to advertise, but the truth sets us free and I am not going to hide who I am or who he is. He left me immediately. He ran home to suck off mommy and daddy's teats and his daddy sent him right back until things were "taken care of". He said he would leave for sure if I had it, and was pretty sure he was leaving anyway. I had already been a single mom for ages and one with two jobs for most of Humanling's life up to that point. The challenge of raising a couple of them alone did not appeal to me. We did what he wanted. Right before that though, he told me that he wanted to stay - only if we disposed of his waste though. Later on he admitted that he only stayed because he was afraid of Humanling's father, who earlier on, told him that if he ever hurt me or his daughter, he would kill him.
I'm not proud of some of my life's choices. This is one of those times where family and friends offered to find solutions. But how can anyone, good intentioned as they may be, be there 24/7 in life application? In theory it sounded great.
I asked him if we should continue pursuing our house. He said yes. We pursued. I got the worst headache of my life for a week before we signed those papers. God's desperate warning for me to step back. But if I can't learn something the hard way most times, then I won't learn it at all. I warned the Blockhead that this was not something easily undoable. Was he sure. Really really really sure?
Yes he was. Let's sign the papers.
I couldn't go out with my friends. If I did, it was a coffee shop while I wore soccer mom clothes, hair and no make up. I had to text him the entire time. He was SUCH A DOWNER. I told him on Fridays to go out with his friends or do whatever he wanted but then he said he didn't want to because he realized that he'd have to give me equal freedom. Something he couldn't do. The boy cried every single day and on the days he didn't, he would tell me that he was waiting for the moment where it would start.
We moved in April of 2007. He left August of 2007. We'd paid only 2 months of mortgage payments.
As he ran home to the breasts of mama again, I was left to keep the house clean for showings. People came in constantly. Humanling and I could not just live without being on a schedule for someone. I hated it and hated that he could run off scott free and mommy will make him his boiled eggs and daddy would sit by his bed to be sure that he wasn't slitting his wrists.
Which reminds me - he had me sit and watch The Bridge with him. Real suicides. I was a wreck leading up to it but it was well done, thankfully. If something like that Can be well done. This was.
He seemed disappointed somehow in it. What did he want to see?
Perhaps this shows insight to someone like :doot: who probably wonders how I can possibly enjoy so much alone time. There's a little bit of aftershock still. The emotional part as far as missing him ended eons ago. He set me free. I would never ever repeat the marriage or want him back in a million years. When he left, he emailed me a list of things that suck about me. One of them was that he did not like Humanling. Another was that he hated my cat. A person who hates animals is not cool.
He hated that I would freak if he wanted to kill a stray bee in the house. I had to catch it and put it outside. I think it made him feel like less of a man because he wouldn't be the one to do it. It would be me.
I did all the painting and minor home repairs. He had very clean hands.
And now I pose a few questions for his girlfriend:
Does he bitch that your son needs you? Perhaps your little boy who looks about six years old should get out and get a job so that you can pay more attention to Blockhead's needs.
Are his balls still oozing that nasty smelling crap that he says is just some benign rash?
Does he clog the tub still with all the Whatever that comes off his body on a daily basis?
Does saturate your bathroom in peach Glade after he has deuced your plumbing?
Does he like you to talk about all your exes in glorious phallic detail while you have sex with him and then beg you when it's over never to mention it again, yet does it again next time?
Did he ask you to "Dive!" and be his, go deeper and really really feel him on a soul level?
Does he deserve an iron on patch that says "enigma" on it because that's what he liked to lecture me that he is.
Does he resent your child for having a bad dream and knocking on the bedroom door at night?
Did you have to somehow obliterate your ex of the face of all that exists because otherwise bringing up the name of your child's dad for any reason send him into a nine day depression that causes you to question whether or not you should feel bad for having a past? Especially since you are way older than him, which you are, because I know who you are.
When he talks to you of his suicide, does he sound proud and drive it home that At least he actually TRIED it and didn't just TALK about it like some people do. He's just SO crazy isn't he?!
***Where does all this stand now? The divorce has been on for about a year. I haven't seen his enormous head since early August of 2007. Until today. And it brought all the anger back, with fresh lemon scent!
Because we owned a home - if you can call it owning - we are most likely going bankrupt if the attempt at the current short sale does not go through. He has a lawyer that his parents are paying for. They don't want to see him hurt himself again so I'm sure they are doing whatever they have to in order to keep his head safe. I had a lawyer but she got expensive and bled $3500 out of me until I decided to go pro se and leave it to God, with well wishes. In the meantime even though I am a single parent with just the one job (I like raising my own child myself thanks, I don't need to be away on the weekends as well), who's child has special medical needs and I don't receive child support, he wanted to stick me with 75% of the loss of the house while he skated off with 25% - on paper I make more. On paper I also have more bills and am absent one grandfather who is filthy rich and can buy a car straight out if someone chooses to total his into a tree. His lawyer informed him that no, it should be 50/50. What a man.
I am trying to send love to this situation to not get angry because it only sucks for me in that case. I have a child to single handedly raise. I don't have downtime for the bad juju that goes with exes sometimes.
Why did I stay? Because I was married. Because I have a tendency to want to perfect, to fix it. Because I believe that things really do get better. You just have to want them to. Only one of us believed that - however, things did get better for me anyway.
So now that the steam is fading, thanks for dealing with a rant. We are really lucky Humanling and I. Because I know what freedom is now. I thank God every chance that I get for my life and how it runs ever since he left. Because this is truly the best time I've ever had. I love my life. I could say it over and over. I am happy to be out of prison.
