Last Stop: My Mind Without Your Storms

Sitting outside on the stoop on a sunny and cool Saturday morning.  It's more cool of course when the sun powders its nose with a cloud.  The sweater goes on.  Then the sun is back out in full force and the sweater is a burden.  Humanling is playing the DSi, as we keep each other company.  A Thousand Welcomes on the radio stream.  One of those nice things that Flip did introduce me to.  This radio station, WFUV., that was usually on in our kitchen.  He did bring a lot of new and interesting things into my life.  I hope I did the same for him.  Unfortunately when communication is necessary, there is no Toast (see previous post).  And so I turn to my teacher, Thich Nat Hahn today to see if his offerings coincide with my Now.  Of course, his messages are usually needed at all times.  And what I am feeling lately, well by "lately" I guess I mean the last three years is what he summed up.  

I'll copy and paste but I know that when I do that, my loverly lavender color changes to white.  Here is today's find:

There are days when you feel that it’s not your day, everything goes wrong. And the more effort you make, the situation becomes worse. Of course you have gone through days like that in your life. You fail in everything, you suffer, you g

et angry, people blame you, you are not happy, you are frustrated. And you tell yourself that you have to make more effort, but the more effort you make, the worse the situation becomes, and then you know that it’s time to stop, it’s time to stop everything, it’s time to go home to yourself and take refuge in yourself. You have to close your windows, the eyes, the ears; you have to close the five windows. You should not be in touch with the outside any more; you have to close the windows of your hermitage. Because there is a hermitage within yourself – that is the island of self that I want you to discover. If you continue to be on the outside, then you continue to suffer, you know. That is why in moments like that, you have to go home to the island of self, and the first thing you do is exactly what I did with my hermitage, to close the five windows. And you know that eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, mind, are the six windows you close. Don’t look, don’t listen, don’t touch, and don’t think. Stop everything in order to prevent the strong wind from the outside to continue to blow in and to make you miserable, because the eye is a window, the ear is a window, the mind is a window, and if you keep them open, the wind of suffering, the wind of disturbance will continue to come and make the situation worse and worse. Don’t try any more. Stop trying and shut the windows. You shut also the door, and you have to go to the chimney and make a fire. You want to get a feeling of warmth, cosiness, and comfort by practising mindful breathing, going home to yourself. And rearrange everything, your feelings, your perceptions, your emotions, they are all scattered all over, it’s a mess. You have to recognise each feeling, each emotion, and you have to collect them like I collected all the sheets of paper that were scattered a little bit all over. Practise mindfulness and concentration, and tidy up everything within yourself. You are going home, you have gone home to your island of self, and you are transformed into a place that is cosy and pleasant for you to take refuge in. Everyone has a hermitage within, very safe, very cosy, very comfortable, very calm, and they have to go home to that hermitage.
If you rely on the outside, you get lost.

That is why you have to go home and rely on something that is reliable, that is the island of self.

With Flip, any communication basically was received wrong.  Maybe sometimes it was me saying it wrong.  I'm a better writer than speaker.  However, many times he just is in such a hut of hurt that he's walled himself in without openness to see possibilities of someone trying to reach out while being discontent but with love instead of malice.  I try to hit the restart button daily.  Some days I am better with it than others.  Some days I bite the bait but am content with myself to say that I have not followed my anger to places where I would be encompassed in a lesson of Advanced Regret.  So with all renouncement of I'm So Awesome, Look What I'm Doing, I do have to acknowledge my progress in dealing with reaction when it comes to him.  I'm not done though because I am still holding it inside and boiling.  I'm just not unleashing it on him in the ways that would have me spewing venom and then later on looking back and wishing that I hadn't.  He tests me though.  Severely.  Still with the name calling.  Still emails laced with vulgarity and vitriol.  I can respond in kind or do the hard thing and resist.  While I am aware of this test, I know that I have gone to my island as stated above.  Only I haven't shut off the outside.  I moved out months ago to get away from the barrage of negativity and that was step one.  Booking the island to go to.  Going there.  Now time to shut off the communication and emerge in a better state.  But because I feel bad for him with now, no car at all, I offered to drive him in any dire need - groceries, etc.  I don't think he will take me up on it since I did say that I shouldn't even offer due to his treatment of me.  Guess I could have left that part out.  

Guess really, I should leave out the whole part of communication with the "outside" that has been the noise, the environment, the weather of my life for three years and shutter my windows.     

   

Hand Over Your Body so That I Won't Suffer

I have to keep notes.  My whole plan to target avoiding Alzheimers someday is to just keep with me a notepad that allows me to jot at all hours of the day.  I find that if I have to depend on myself to remember some witticism, it'll be overridden by some Have To on my Habitual list.

Currently, my list is propped against the legs of a sleeping 13 year old.  It's another straw in the ice cream kind of heat around these parts.The child gets to sleep with me in the living room a la air mattress while our one tiny fan makes white noise that convinces us we feel just a teensy bit cooler.  

In the meantime, I've put some butter out to soften because the devil in me sleeps in the daylight and I say no to things like potato chips.  However, sitting here right now with this Blue Moon beer, I'd love someone to rub crunchy cheese doodles all over me and be sure not to miss my teeth!

It was a day where my self esteem and patience is once again tied to hearing from Flip.  I did hear from him today and then I didn't.  And he did suggest we hang out "this weekend", reiterating that Friday is "the weekend" and in my mind, Friday is "today".  I know he hasn't been feeling well in the last couple of weeks.  I believe it is the Lyme taking over him again.  So he again, sounded as though I wouldn't see him tonight as he was feeling crappy.  I reminded him that we lived together for a long time.  I mean for someone who's bowel habits I know nearly every detail of, you're going to get self conscious on me now?  But the important point really was if you love someone you are there for all of it.  Not just the pretty moments.  And lately we haven't had many of those.

Sometimes I just want to be courted.  That doesn't mean spend all you have on me.  It means simply to be romantic and make me feel like you are thinking of me all day...when things are also good, not just when they are bad and you feel like you're sitting in the eject seat. 

He invited me over, and I only had about 90 minutes to spend with him.  But we sat and watched a show on Africa, then the Mets/Yankees game.  There were at the end a couple of tense moments that I couldn't find appreciation for and decided to just be quiet.  I could only make it known in XX language that I didn't agree...."I'm sorry that you feel that way".  And then I focused heavily on Thich Nat Hahn....WWTNHD?  Well, he wouldn't sit there and kindle an argument.  But he also would probably be more proactive on peace and joy.  I went somewhere that I could handle....watching the game, saying nothing.  Trust me, much better than me saying something.  And I suppose it paid off it some way.  It certainly didn't create new fires, so that's a plus.

It was the Teen's last day of school today.  I've unfortunately forgotten to log some hours for my last paycheck so we have basically around $20 for gas and food until next Friday....unless I can tweak something.  So yeah, I was a sourpuss for awhile.  I wanted to take her for something special since she completed 7th grade.  Even if her teacher kinda sucked in the bolstering of self-esteem department, telling her last week, "I don't even know how you got into the 7th grade."  I told my daughter she should have retorted with "I don't even know how on earth you can be a special ed teacher" but she said she would have gotten in trouble...and true that, she would have.  But it would have been worth it.

So I wallowed for a bit wondering what to do for her today.  And then thought about that universal balm...ice cream.  I signed off for lunch with my job and walked her down to our local bakery, which notably, also has an ice cream bar.  I checked online first to be sure that I had enough money to purchase a banana split for us to share.  I pep rallied her into that banana split since she'd never had one.  One long ass line later, I ordered a banana split and heard a reply of "A what?"  I mentioned that it was on the online menu.  She said she didn't believe they made those, checked with "someone" and no, they don't.  So I revised the order to something with hot fudge and was told that they aren't doing hot fudge right now.  So I declined to order anything and knew the scalding temperament that would await me when I delivered this news.  I did promise her to go to the ultimate homemade ice cream place once I signed off the for the day from work though.  We went, we fully enjoyed.  It was worth it.  I would have qualified as Crappy Parent Extraordinaire had we done nothing at all.

I have found yet another layer as to who I am really am.   I am unfortunately what I never wanted to really be.  I'm a million Stand By Your Man country songs coated in a tough candy shell.  I want to just flee from all the fights, all the tough things that relationships really are.  But I can't seem to do that.  My heart couldn't give two shits about the memo.  

It seems right to me when I read these words:

Happiness and bliss should be found right in suffering. 
It is suffering that makes us understand. 
It is the experience of suffering that can bring about our compassion and understanding. 
So the attitude of running is not a wise one. 
We have to confront the suffering. We have to embrace tenderly our pain and suffering. 
We have to look deeply into the heart of suffering, into the nature of suffering, in order to really see the path of transformation and healing.

~Thich Nhat Hanh

That's me...the runner.  But I haven't sprinted out of this universe yet, which is my actual inclination when things get tough.  Thich....How to confront the suffering?  I need bulletpoints Thich! Or I will need them.  Tonight instead I can go to bed anticipating that I will be spending the night with Flip tomorrow, that it will be all the comfort and familiarity and answer to desire that it always is.  

Apparently, Even Two's a Crowd

I've gotten pretty attached to this station on the Tele that airs all these shows from the late 70s, early 80s.  Actually they air Leave it to Beaver and Father Knows Best but since I don't watch those, they don't exist.  In fact, right now I am watching something that probably post Shark Jumping, shouldn't have been allowed to continue on film.  Three's a Crowd...the continuation of Three's Company without Janet, Chrissy, Terri, Cindy, Larry and one of two landlord choices.. a Furley or a couple of Ropers who should buy stock in Hot Chocolate.  

I'm having a wonderful Blue Moon beer and wishing that the promised thunderstorms did not stand me up.  

I'm having an Eh night.  It was a good night but when my mood is good, I can go above average and kiss manic.  I did stop on the way home to see Flip for about 20 minutes and chit chat while he boiled eggs on the stove.  He commented on my temporary Tallness.  I have yummy shoes.

We canoodled lightly and I left.  I expressed some feelings about stuff that sits in my Not Cool With folder and tried to leave it on an even note...which seemed to work.  He also said he'd call when he got back from AA.  I was under the impression that meant he'd invite me to see him for a little.  Silliness!  Nooo!  He can handle saying no...he's better at that than I.  I'm only good at it when I'm seeing red.  Earlier I had mentioned seeing him and he replied that he had to hit up a meeting.  So I chalked it up to a bummer and he replied that the meeting ends at 8pm, and that it's not too late.  This sounded rather green lightish to me so I prettied up by 7:45 and waited.  Eventually an email came through but said nothing about a visit. So I called.  He said it was "kinda late".  I was "kinda mad".  I figure if we were going to make anything out of trying to have a relationship that we have to make room for visiting somewhere between AA dalliances or else we may as well be on Match.com and exchange emails and phone calls.

All this after playing Carly Simon's version of  "You Belong to Me"  and territorial pissing on him with homemade Banana Bread on my way to work yesterday morning.  

Ah well.  Maybe I'm too much of a romantic sometimes.  Maybe I am too willing to forget and clean the slate with a scouring bulldozer.  It didn't work out well and I got the 3rd version of a story that I've already heard but now the details were different. Whether he left them out to begin with or just forgot them or really consciously changed things, I don't know.  Shit changed and I don't have an explanation that makes my hair relax.  

So F Bomb it....I'm having my 2nd Blue Moon and after seeking out some Thich Nat Hahn tonight to calm myself down a bit, am feeling much better.  Not better enough to have another sane conversation turned around on me like I'm swimming in the villain hat but doing ok.

The whole thing makes me wonder all types of seriously on what exactly I am seeking here.  What is being brought to the table for me?  It's not all about me...it shouldn't be all about anyone.  But I allow things to be about other people.  I'm a peacekeeper.  I'm one of those kids who was brought up in a violent home and would clean up the house at 2am to try and make things better after the parental blow ups.  So confrontation is not something that I really want.

I think I'll start a club instead.  "Parents for Oooo Baby Baby, Ooo Baby".  That's how we roll when we drop our kids off to school at 7:30am.  All blowin' up the Usher in the parking lot, going 2 mph over those speed bumps.  The teen has a great introduction to Dangerous with that hard core combo of speed bump and an Usher un-neutering himself.  

The other day I was pretty weepy.  There's an adorable chef in our cafeteria who is really young and reminds me of my Grandbaby Daddy.  Or as I like to think of him, my SIL.  However, my daughter is not currently with him.  So Chef comes in with a huge ass black eye.  My first reaction was to dote.  Because of course to me this dude is really my SIL, incarnate.  And he is hurt.  When I walked away after asking him what happened, I thought I would cry that this poor kid had quite the shiner.  Then I realized how nicely the purple brought out the blue in his eyes.

I'm going to finish this beer, turn off the bad shows and go read while the Golden Girls are on.  Cheers!