(CJ Wilson above)
When I was about 13, I used to buy all these metal magazines, hanging up every poster (which I may or may not have kissed at night) and reading every article. Def Leppard was my absolute favorite and I'd frequently imagine how entirely possible it was that their tour van (there was never a bus or plane in these visions...just a van) would break down outside of my house and my mom would allow all five of them to sleep in my room with me. Anyway, the point being that I may have liked Def Leppard a bit.
So in Creem magazine, they used to have this page of photos and they'd have captions under them, like funny ones. So there was this photo of Phill Collins with his mother and underneath the photo was a funny caption and at the end of the sentence, in brackets, it said [natch]. Well I've been wondering since 1984-ish, what exactly that meant. I looked at the photo over and over, trying to derive what tone "natch" was used in. What do I need a dictionary for? It wasn't the age of instant gratification. I pondered. For years. And the other day, one of my daily emails from dictionary.com showcased the word, Natch. If that email was an envelope, I'd have torn it open. And wouldn't you know, it means, "naturally". That's it. Something I could have tried to even guess, but didn't.
I finally put it together today. The Chicago Sun Times is the most committed being that I know. When I was married to my 2nd husband (and 3rd child), we used to watch a ton of movies. He loved movies so much. So he also loved the movie review every week with Roger Ebert. Or rather, he hung much credence in Roger Ebert's opinion of a movie. Wanting to do my wifely duty of understanding Baby Hubby a little more and show interest in his hobby, I subscribed via email to the Sun Times movie reviews by Roger Ebert. Every Friday it would show up in my inbox. But then, Hubby #2 stopped delivering to my inbox and walked out on me. But the Chicago Times did not get the memo. My last name changed back and my email changed accordingly. My place of employment changed it's email as well. But the Chicago Sun Times shows up still, five years later, every Friday. It will not break our commitment.
Speaking of commitment, today was another email trail that ended in an inferno. Just a bunch of back and forth silliness that calls for balloons, party favors and wax lips. I emailed in calm, non bold and sparingly capital letter font. Very sparingly. I received back highlighted in yellow sentences. That's Flip's new thing. He likes to take a sentence that I said and copy, paste and highlight it back to me. You can always tell when he's got a new toy - takes a while for him to put it down.
I'm not sure why he tries to hang on so tightly as he does. He says so many derogatory things about me and is constantly telling me how he is acting evolved and mature and that I am not. One of the sentences that I got today started something like, "I, unlike you," has been working on himself and going forward. Wow. Did he really do that? It's a bit judgmental but ok. I actually do try very hard to work on myself through introspection, through this blog, through admitted that yep, I have jerk tendencies but I don't actually use them a whole lot. I catch myself when I feel impatient and just observe it, trying to figure out where it is coming from and what I might be able to do next time about it. We all have our path and our way of figuring it out. And at least if I say out loud what I'm thinking, I've said it directly. I'm not blaming or taking it out in different ways on anyone else. I took responsibility by admission. I think it is scary anyway to ever tell someone that you are working on yourself way more than they are. It just sounds like employing Karma to swing by with an enlightening moment for you, complete with head tilt, raised eyebrow and "So THAT'S what you were thinking?"
Our issue has become a million small problems rolled into one delicious thick wall of a problem with multiple layers. He swears that our issue is my insecurity. My issue is how he handled my delicate feelings, telling me that I have to "manage" my feelings. But what about all the times he goes off on me or has an issue with something male related that bothers him? Welp, it's time to start doing a Quote Boomerang and send it back.
Well darlings, I went without bourbon for four days and am enjoying one now. And suddenly realize how hungry and sleepy I am. Sweetest of dreams!
